Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Merry Christmas

These situations would more often than not cause Nicole to tell me I’m being all Peyton-y, making a supposedly simple situation very complicated. Ella, would simply take my side. She would tell me I look way prettier, or that I’m smarter and that I’m better than all these. She would bitch on the other girl making me feel all better (sorry na). She’s my cousin, I know, but somehow she always sound sincere. I remember all those Friday nights when I’d come home from elbi, I’d call her instantly and tell her about my exciting college life and she’d listen with gaiety, both scared and thrilled in realizing that she too, will be in college soon. I don’t get to talk to her much anymore, she’s not home til Saturday night and well, my supposedly exciting college life would no longer match hers. And her highschool friends who are mine too are no longer my only rivals, now I have to compete for her time with her college friends too. I get too selosa when it comes to close friends. I guess I really am selfish, there was assurance then when I’d come home broken hearted that she would always be just a phone call away. Now, I have to wait til Saturday.

Christmas is the perfect holiday to hang out with her again. And just right before Christmas we had a text marathon, I was telling her how this years Christmas is just as cold inside as it is outside. Here goes my snowy Christmas story:

As I had so publicly announced on my multiply account, right after last year’s Christmas, I gave santa 11 months to prepare for my wish. And I was a good girl this year, okay fine, a little less naughtY. But amusingly stupid to believe a year (and a few painful months combined) of waiting would eventually pay off with a wrapped love right outside my bedroom door. Last Christmas was so painful I didn’t think it could possibly get worse, then ta-dah, here comes this Christmas. Even more painful because there is fear in realizing that this is actually how I might be for the next ten thousand christmasses, lonely, waiting. Im no longer writing santa another pathetic wish, im praying with all the life left in me for probably the most painful thing there is. “Go for her if that’s what you truly want, I know she likes you too so it won’t be that much of a problem, she’s far and well, we both know what happened with the last one, don’t let the distance get in the way, you deserve to be happy, and all year round I’ll be praying for one thing, for this to work for you.”

If I would be given pain, then give it all already. Im so tired waiting for another painful blow. Im so tired feeling all messed up knowing something could be worse. Im so tired of knowing and remembering over and over again that another year would only promise me one thing: more pain! Yey. So I am being all Peyton-y, so I’m being brooke and haley too, all at the same time. I don’t care. There’s just so much hurt in my heart and I can’t say that I can no longer take it, and I could ask someone, anyone to save me but I know deep down, that I’ll stay anyway. Because this is where I belong, with you. even if you belong with someone else. I don’t care dammit. I’ll watch you two together, I can take your pictures if you want and I could choose your gifts for her as I’d done with all the others. I could do that. I don’t know, with everything I’ve done, i guess there’s nothing I won’t be able to do anymore.

OH, OKAY NA??? I’m letting it all out so that 2008 will be, I don’t know, better. Pablo Neruda said that as love is so short, forgetting is so long and I guess 2 years of love would mean, hmmm, 5 years of forgetting??? Noooo! Hahaha. Im hoping for a better year.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

another moheeecaaaaaah amp day

i've been having a lot of bad days lately. but this is by far the worst. guess why? moheeeecaaaaa!
i'm so pissed off. i'm emotionally and mentally drained. i can't stop bawling. i sooo hate this day.

and it's so selfish, i know, but i've been wanting tj to be home so i can talk to him. gel picked me up from ncas and i come home to ehm, and i talked to them both. i cried to mark and selle too, it's just different when it's tj. i was used to coming home to him on bad days like this one. and i guess i have to accept the fact that im not the center of the world. i can't expect my friends to gather round me and listen to me cry whenever moheeeca is having a bitch fit. but im just not strong enough to face it on my own. i don't understand why someone like me who was raised to be otherwise could have such a faint heart.

i've probably dehydrated myself from crying too much. im so scared to lose my energy for the christmas party later, but im okay now. i guess i gotta start trying to depend on myself more.

anyway, merry christmas loves. sana masaya ang party na to! <3

Friday, December 14, 2007

goodnight world.

nikko to the rescue. as always.
i guess he feels obliged to check up on me every once in a while. i know i have a tendency to be a bit of a mess and that i'm not the best person to take care of myself, haha, but is it that obvious?
i love my friends. i feel good now. especially since me and the girls bonded for a while.

i can't sleep. tj's still not home. gel's still not home (she's going to sleep here) and well, i can't sleep.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

fowta moheeeeecah!

i had the worst day!
2 hours of sleep. 19 hours of no food. how worse can my day possibly get? worst. mojica's class.
i can spend an entire blog entry ranting about him, but then again, i'm already pissed off as it is.
i was expecting something good to happen. it would be really nice if i have someone to make my day better, or atleast a little okay. i don't know, i guess it's kinda selfish wanting more. i already have good friends. and no, i don't have a few good friends. perhaps a score, or more. denise brought me a burger. tine, a strawberry (yes, A strawberry-isa lang!) tas gel hugged me and yeah i really love gel-hugs.

i was planning to write about my trips to the library, but it's supposed to be a jolly entry. so not today.
i had such a baaaaaaad day. and wallowing in self-pity probably made it worse. i saw tj earlier today and i was dying for a hug, boo-hugs make my day less unbearable, and tj is my hugmachine. but i was in such a hurry. hay.
anyway, the day's still not over, i still have a few more hours left.

somebody please make me happy!
(oh, jin did, early this morning. but even that can't last the day)

Thursday, December 6, 2007

of tagalog poems and broken dreams

it really should've been a lot easier for me if i was a bit more open to you. im sorry gelly. i know we're supposed to be bestfriends. it's good we had that dinner though, atleast now you know everything. at promise nga, i'd tell you everything.

argh, im such a bitch. i hate myself. strike three na ko since yesterday.

but anyway, last night when i was waiting for angela barrientos, i was playing with tine's laptop and would you believe that i still have my fil20 discussions close to heart? wala lang. i wanted to write something about sex, pero syempre profound and artistic naman. here's what i came up with:

Dagat ang unan
Tahanan ng luha
Mundo ang kama
Ng pusong sagasa

Hubad sa pagibig
Hubad sa kalinangan
Ngayong gabi ika’y kanya
Ngunit di sya sayo kalianman

okaaaaay. this is me trying real hard. hahaha! sorry na. it's unfinished though, i wanted to play with tagalog words. but i guess the topic's the problem, because i don't have anything to write about it. hoho. im such an innocent young girl. here's another crap:

matang napuwing ang pintuan
Na bukas-sara sa hangin ng gabi
Naisin mang ipikit ng tuluyan,
Iniwang mulat para ang yong aninong parating
Ay muling masilayan

nilamon ka na ng dilim
naghihintay pa rin
ang puso kong sa gabing ito
ay nagmimistulang bitwin

isang bitwin sa langit ng isang bilyon
walang panalo sa laban para kay luna
nakikisabay sa liwanag ng iba
habang nanunuod ng di pwedeng makita

isasara ko ang pinto
ipipikit ang aking mga mata
pagkat ngayong gabi ang mga bitwin
malalaglag ng isa isa

okaaaaaaaay. so i'm still trying to understand this one. (how could i not understand my own work? i dont know) but anyway, i give up. i've long forgotten the pain of not being able to come up with a decent tagalog poem. i guess it was sir dumlao's compliments on my "gakukong liwanag na sumilip sa cherva......" that regained my self-esteem. pero wag na lang talaga. i'm done with trying. haha! i wanted to be nick joaquin, and well, even he (our national artist for literature, duh) wrote in english. so can i. anyway, i remember how it felt when i was reading "act of revenge" i love it's local 'feel' eh. it's written so well, and yet you know that it's written by a filipino. i guess i can still write in english and still sound filipino. diba? but so long my dreams of being a poet of tagalog words. haha.

anyway, to end this, i just want to say that i hope......... bsta. don't hate me.

Monday, December 3, 2007

seriously 2

isa pa. shet naman kasi ang gwapo nya eh.

okay. im not saying it because i love, er, like him. i actually asked someone to make sure that i'm not as blind as i have been a dozen times before, with a dozen or so crushes. gwapo nga eh. amp. i guess that's what makes it harder for me. i'm vying for the moon, happily enjoying his place amongst the stars. perhaps i love him more than the rest of the stars do, but there's no way he'd notice one from the million others.

sana there's that one star especially for me. but then again, deep inside, again, in the littlest fraction of my heart, i would always, always dream of the moon. pak man. emo.


i really want to know if this is something i'll get through with in a few months time, because right now, ayoko na. hoho! seriously.

so i'm afraid i'm back to my old self. simple things make me so emo. a while ago, i was looking at some of my friendster photos, and there was this one pic na we're together. sumakto lang naman no, because i was also on chris' account. mixtape was playing. dammit. hay.

i have to stop this madness. haha. seriously.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

dear stranger

i will listen. because that's what i do, i listen. don't push me away whenever i try to be friends with you. because i'm only trying to bring back what we were. is that so bad? is it so bad to try to bring back what we once had, after all, we always thought it was perfect.

i could always try to run away. but that's stupid. after the nth time i've tried, i realized that no matter how far i run away, i'd always find myself running back. closer everytime. more painful than the last. the people around me are getting tired of the same old story. and i guess i'm tired too. but it can't seem to stop me from staying.

i missed out on a lot of chances. because i'm always trying to keep myself open. open for you. just incase by some twist of fate you decided you want me, i'd be around, i'd be available. i know it's funny, if not totally insane. but it's all i can do. wait for you.

Friday, November 30, 2007

don't bother

its funny how i'd still prefer chocnut over anything more expensive. i guess we'd always go back to the creme brulee-jello discussion. i hate it.

all i want is for you to rescue me.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

back to normal

let's divert from my day to day emotional drama and move on to what's more important. serious much? i'm supposed to deliver my speech this spcm104 meeting, actually i was supposed to have delivered it last meeting. but no. argh. my persuasive speech is about death penalty. over rated? well, not for me. i'm VERY pro life. anyway, it heated up a debate the one time i opened the topic with some of the 05s. so i guess it's a pretty okay topic.

my hist2 prof who insisted she be called Panginoon is absent today. thank the REAL God. i have to admit, i get offended whenever she refers to herself as a God, take note, God not goddess.

last night, when i was supposedly studying for hist2, i found Weng's songbook. so we decided to crash at Keatre's place, as we always do, equipped with Selle's guitar and Weng's golden voice we disrupted Joseph and Eme's study time. asa. twas fun. singing oldies, i mean. it reminds me of long trips with the 'rents. my dad's a big beatles fan, and i grew up listening to michael learns to rock, bread, eagles and such. joseph and weng are too, so we felt bit nostalgic. i felt sad when Weng was singing it's all coming back to me now. hahaha. whaaaaaaaat?? it is a bit sad, really.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

dear stranger. you make me so vulnerable.

i <3 secondhand serenade.
because because. anyway. my heart is heavy and my eyelids are heavier and the longer i stay awake the more i worry. that's what's wrong with me, i worry too much. right now i feel worried, scared and happy. and i didn't think it's possible to feel this much emotion all at the same time.

i'm worried because i'm scared. i'm scared that this is how things will always be. i'm scared that if i don't move on now, i never will. and i don't want that to happen. i want to move on too. i want to be happy. i want to find someone who'll love me. but i'm scared that even if i do, as i have many times before, i'd still be stuck on you. i'm scared that i will always switch from emotion to emotion, you make me so vulnerable. vulnerable to everything. i just want to be happy. and sometimes, i am. when we feel us getting closer, i'm happy. but i'm scared. because the closer we are, the harder it is to let go. i want to be contented. the thing with this situation is that you make me unhappy being myself. i hate myself because i can't change enough for you to like me back. it's crazy, huh? you've become a stranger. but sometimes when we talk, i hear him too, and i know that deep inside of you, he's there. make him come home. maybe he still likes the me i still am today.


come home now.
i can't write unless you come home now.

good mood ME

surprise surprise!! classes are until April. oh joy! bummer. why is UP so abnormal. my kuripot of a brother will finally come home on the last week of february and their visit will span a month. but i won't be around much. he waited 6 years to come home, who knows how long it'll take before he visits again. argh.

yun lang. haha!! i have tons to write a while ago. but im in a good mood now. so, yun.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

dear stranger

i don't see you much. doesn't matter. i don't want to anyway. atleast that's what i tell myself when stuck in the sofa, still dressed with the clothes i wore the whole day hoping you'd visit and see me in them. pathetic. i know. i don't cry anymore, atleast there's an accomplishment. but i find myself writing to you everyday, and that, i find even more pathetic. i kinda feel like dan humphrey in gossip girl, with his sad-ass poetry and suicidal letters. haha. i've got a notebook full of them shit. except ofcourse, i'm far from suicidal. but anyway, here's one from the many i'd wish you'd take time to read:

Here’s to honesty I’d willingly give you, in far-fetched wishes of acceptance and love, wishes that you will never grant of reality. I’m tired. I get it, I’m just not it. And if I wait another year I’ll only get stoned for martyrdom, but before that, the pain of loving you will kill me first. And the rest of the world will stand and watch me fall, over and over again. If you promise me an eternity, I promise to die before you get tired of me. But what you can only promise me are walks you’re too tired to take. Of conversations that’ll only push me away. Of forever’s worth of 60 second memories you will never be able to give. Broken promises are promises nonetheless, and they are the only thing I get a hold of. And this is what you do to me. You make me wait all night for your arrival. You make me sing songs I wish I wrote. You make me lie in the ground with you while you’re drunk with heartbreak liquor, and me with tears. You make me listen to your stories, even when all I want is for you to listen to me. When shall I tell you? perhaps never. Because this is what you do to me. You make me fall so hard, the fall gets too tiring that I want nothing else but to finally hit the ground, but I keep on falling. I’m singing you goodbye, and from the muffled voices could you pick apart what im saying? I’m telling you I miss you and if I could bring back highschool, I would.

Here’s to goodbye and the lie that I will finally let you go.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

nicole's havin lotsa fun

nicole got drunk. haha! told me i make simple things complicated. i guess so. i guess i do.

anyway, chase kept building his friend up. ang hirap isulat lhat ng sinabi nya eh. pero bsta, i don't know if i should be happy. both my bestfriends(chase and nicole) are rooting for jake. teej is rooting for whoever owns my heart. wow. as if that person wants me too. haha!! i don't know if i should follow my heart and sulk, or i if should follow my friends and open up to another person. haha! jake seems nice though. if not, then chase won't be able to forgive himself. haha!

i can't sleep, dammit. and i can't write anything other than these no frills blog entries. haha! it's okay though. im trying to keep everything simple. so as to avoid complications. haha! :)

i'll try to get some sleep now.

Monday, October 22, 2007

long entry ahead

this sem was the fastest ever, but i constantly felt the need for it to end. everything was so tiring, mostly because of the play. other than that, everything else was just plain complicated. i'm beginning to love that word, complicated. it sums up everything that's been going on with my life lately. haha! anyway, when i finally felt the semester dawning, how i wish i could pull back time so i could have a few more moments at the apartment, a few more bonding sessions with my housemates. but i guess, i needed the break as well. everything is in such a fast pace that i feel in dire need of something to stop me from running over everything.

this morning, in the shower, i kept repeating my speech over and over again. this is about the nth time i've done it. i'm good at writing the things i want to tell him, but no, i lack the courage to say 'em. sure, we've been talking more and more each day now, i've got this silly hope that soon we'll be back to the friends we were. but i miss our silences, i miss when we talk with our hearts for what our words won't be able to say. i miss a lot of things. but i've no intention of bringing em back now. i just want to completely get over everything. tj, of all people should understand. if there is anyone who knew everything i went through, it's him, but i guess it's hard to understand such a selfish decision. i'm crazy. i should stop writing about it, it only gives me a documented proof of how stupid i am. i won't move on. so i guess i'm only saying, that i'm going to stop trying. dammit. i'm so fickle minded.

anyway, i've got the whole sembreak planned out. i should be able to finish atleast 3 classics, i'm choosing between 2 shakespeare comedies, hg wells' time machine and modern utopia or beuwolf. hmmm. wadya think? i've got about 30 korean movies to finish, haha! crazy, right? i was actually watching my girl and i last night. man, i cried in the first scene. them damn koreans know how to make a lonely girl like me feel deprived. the line was "su ho still can't forget you. his brain is tiny, but it's filled with thoughts about you. let go of my friend, please." and this line was being screamed into the sea, to a girl who's been dead for 10 years already. su ho was obviously stuck, it made me cringe more. with jealousy i guess. i'd exchange any intelligent guy for one who'd love me 10 years after i die.
the other day i stayed up until 4 am, talking to joseph when he was supposedly studying for math. we talked about selle. i hit him hard with the pillow everytime he say something nice. because i feel lonely. because all the time i was sitting there beside him, i was thinking how much i wish i was sitting there with someone else, and that someone else telling me nice things too. i get so desperate sometimes. can't help but remember my dad, he told me a month ago ata, that i shouldn't get too desperate, all i have to do is wait because i deserve a prince daw. touching, ha? my dad thinks i'm a princess, i can't even have a damned beggar tas he thinks i'll be able to snag myself a prince. perhaps the shining armor. but not the prince. haha!

not everything's been going fine. but i always had something to hold on to, it's the thought that when it's not okay, then it's probably not the end. diba? it makes sense to me, and it keeps me strong.

i miss writing. like really writing. i mean, i write, but not as well as i think i can. i don't know what happened. papa kept pushing, it's okay when he does, i feel as if i'm not pushed enough to work harder. growing up, i always felt that i was competing with him. ofcourse i never could win, but i love the feeling of defeat, i love that he always know the meaning of the words i throw at him, i love that he keeps reiterating how his vocabulary got so wide, i love his stories about his childhood, about lola who was an english public school teacher. i love it because i always feel that there's more i can do to improve. i guess that's why i started this blog, i don't feel challenged writing in english, but i can only write about one emotion in such a way that it becomes almost like a figment, like a shadow luring at every black and white photo, embracing a widower's cold shoulders over her husbands grave, enveloping a mother in her third miscarriage. see? only one emotion. sadness. i need to write about others things too.

bes is here in elbi. :)

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

to sum it all up, everything's a mess

chaotic three days. i wish i could write everything, but i lack the energy, sobra sa emosyon kulang sa lakas. i've been switching from mood to mood lately and i'm getting tired of all the drama. everything's getting under my skin, and i'm really confused whether i should be happy or sad about some things. im pissed, that's for certain but other than that i have a kaleidoscope of emotions drowning me in bittersweet tears.

in three days, i fought and made up with one of my most loved boys, made the biggest decision of my life, made friends with them guys upstairs, missed a fun night of drunk guys, cried my heart out over another broken heart and the choice to make it stay that way, had more revelations to last a lifetime, finished a portfolio and a paper, had laughs with my favorite people in the world, and slept with my heart heavier than it already is. i hate life sometimes.

grabe talaga. i really wish i could be genuinely happy. it's been a while na rin kasi and i deserve to be happy. atleast i think so. and it's really selfish, what i'm trying to do now, but for once i'm actually thinking of myself. everybody else is wishing for things to get better between US, but it's really not that easy, i'm so tired. you've changed. it might take me forever to understand why this is supposed to be better than before, and i'd normally say i'd wait. but i'm tired. i've been thinking of noone but you for the last 2 years. i've got to start thinking of myself now.

i've got to learn to love ME.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

blah blah

this was bound to be the best day of this semester, but no. i feel a bit nostalgic. must be the song gel's playing, i don't know. everything seems to be such a mess in the end.

Monday, October 8, 2007

beyond sense

in some alternate universe where Philippines is a first world country, i am kc concepcion with the face of jessica alba, spending my sunday morning dancing in the streets of paris in a boho ensemble. but in relaity i'm just me, spending my sunday morning infront of the tv waiting for Pacquiao's game.

i don't even like kc. i like paris though.

my mom's not sharon, but i think she's just as mega. haha! :)

obviously, i have nothing to say. but anyway, i dream of paris and glamour.

Friday, October 5, 2007


i can sleep now.

am i allowed to worry?

i have to know, if this joining the frat decision is really something you thought about for a looooong time. because it seems to me as if it's really not helping you. i mean, that's what it's supposed to do, right? it's supposed to help you. it's supposed to be a benefit to you, in some way. but i'm always afraid for you, especially now. and you're beginning to be afraid for yourself as well. i don't know if it's just me or is something really wrong about this situation. because i can't let you walk by yourself, i'm tortured by imagining you walking alone, vulnerable to hits and whatever them other frat men do. but i let you walk alone kanina, and the way home from square was kinda painful for me, and when we got home gel told me she was thinking about it too. we should've walked with you, that's the only thing we have to do to save you from danger.

this is really making me crazy. i know you should be my keeper and protector and all, but now it seems as if you're the one who needs protecting eh. oh and i hate to tell you this because i'm sure you'll hate me for doing so but im starting to believe that it was a stupid idea. i do. the only reason why i didn't stop you is because i promised myself that i'll support you and because you told us you can do it and i didn't want to step on your pride by saying "no." and i owe it to you to believe that nothing bad will happen because you did get through everything alive, but i can't help but get worried.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

i'm ugly and i'm not up to anything else than sulking

so anyway, being a crush ng bayan and a frat man have it's rather unfortunate consequences. and i know it sounds funny, but i got your back. i may seem small and fragile, but have you forgotten how you've left me soon enough to make me grow out of your protective wing, i'm stronger than how i seem now. and i'd battle a dozen frat men with their black long umbrellas if they ever do anything with your hair. okaaay. that doesn't make sense, but whatever.

so I've Got A Dark Alley And A Bad Idea That Says You Should Shut Your Mouth, la lang. haha! i've got nothing to say, really. just that thinking about what i've been dealing with for the past few days, everything else seems so small. yes, including what's happening to me for several months now. it's so petty. everything's so complicated. i'm complicated, i guess that's why setting me up with someone will not work (d'you hear me chase?) because i'm too emotional, i've got too many hung ups, i've got a lot to think about as it is, and i've got no time for more problems.

Monday, October 1, 2007

of barbaric hotness and beatiful friends (including chase)

Last Friday, I’ve got no choice but to watch Tarzan. It’s not like I don’t want to watch it, pero I wanted to watch a movie sana but unfortunately there were no good films that night, which was weird considering that it was a Friday night. Anyway, after Kala saved baby Tarzan, and Phil Collins’ Two hearts One Family played, man, I got the chills. And, You’ll Be In My Heart still makes me cry. Friday Realization: though I’ve leveled up to teen movies, ima be a Disney baby at heart forever. Anyway, I was in elementary the last time I’ve watched it, and well, nakalimutan kong nakakaiyak pala talaga sya and that ang pogi lang ni Tarzan eh. (segway onti, it’s really weird whenever I’ve got a fictional crush. And no, I don’t mean characters and real people from teleseryes or movies only, but from mangas as well. Haha! Well, forgive me for not having a life. And for having mad crushes over drawings.) return to Tarzan, my favorite part was when kala’s what’s-his-name husband was dying and he called Tarzan ‘my son’ and Tarzan had this look on his face. Man, was that scene funny or what? Well, I kinda cried, haha, but thinking about it. It’s pretty funny. Oha, kelan p naging honor matawag na anak ng gorilla. That scene was super talaga! And well, is it not unfair for Jane, yeah, Tarzan loves her but she’s like the only woman of Tarzan’s species that he’s seen. Diba?

anyway, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY DEAREST CHASE. i know it's lame, but i kinda miss calling you 'til d end', not tde ha, as in complete, til d end. hmm?? and damn you, we planned for that surprise party, it would've been fun. sayang. i hope you're happy though, it's your day!! nabagyo amp. haha! :) anyway, what's up with you? it's crazy that you're setting me up with someone. i mean you've done it like the third time already, the first two it kinda felt like you were pushing me away to someone you don't really know much about. i have to admit, i hated you for that. especially since the second guy was a real loser, and you know just how much i got offended. it's kinda weird, cause back in highschool it's like you're always keeping guys off my back. you were my keeper. and now it's like you're giving me away. i miss the old chase, no, actually i miss JC. haha! :) jake's okay, i guess. this time you probably gave it a lot of thought, not like with the other two, it was so random, so unlike you, i don't know if you were just teasing or if you really wanted me to end up with them. mark and tj were teasing me too, but you're different, i expected much from you. okay. this is getting serious. haha!! i hated you for the first two incidents, that's the truth, with this one, im okay with, siguro kasi it's kinda serious the way you told me about it, and you said he's nice and that i can judge for myself naman. or maybe because you think i'm desperately in need of a man in my life. hahaha! am i that lonely? i guess...

to my two beautiful bes, who got their feet sore for window shopping with me. love you forever. we're going to buy that baby phat dress, or else. haha!

Thursday, September 27, 2007

I don't know a lot of things, i blame it on my lack of interest in watching the news. Being a UP student my brother said i am obliged to have something to say about the current issues and events in our country. And embarrassed, i mostly have nothing relevant to say.

But regarding Cris Anthony Mendez' death and the perpetual bloodshed among supposedly "brothers" i have more than enough to write about. When one of my friends announced his decision to join one of UP's most prestigious fraternities and said that nothing we say will stop him, I only said "don't die." he assured me his survival, the physical pain he can endure he said, if there's anything that scares him, it's his academic grades as the initiation process, that i think lasted more than a week, was the same week as his exams. i believed in him, but mostly i was scared. the first night of waiting for his arrival, i was thinking, that that was what everyone thought, that they can survive the initiation, the public humiliation and the hazing otherwise who would've joined? but still, many went down to join those in the list of fraternity deaths, including now, Chris Anthony Mendez.

Patricia Evangelista said, "I do not understand what sort of twisted logic can make intelligent men believe that friendship and loyalty need to be proven through a brutal initiation." i don't either. the reason why i never joined any organizations and sororities that involve anything physical is because time will not heal the memories as they do with bruises. in the back of my head the persons i will shake hands with will always be those persons who blindfolded me and hit me. they will remain the haunters of my dreams and shall never be my friends.

as i am at the moment in the apartment sofa trying to imagine Cris' moments before his decision that later on led to his death, what was he thinking? was he sitting on the tip of his bed thinking that this will give him good connections? that this will help him have a better future?
what future? those who promised they could help had already taken that from him.

what will 30 days of suspension do? will it bring back a good man's life? will it bring back a son? a brother? a friend? no. instead, in a few years time another name will hit the papers, another death will be told, because we still haven't found a way to stop this violent tests of friendship and loyalty. loyalty, now that's a bit funny, if Cris would've lived, Sigma Rho would've stood by him the way they now cover up those who have killed him. but no, because he died, he was left in the emergency room by those responsible, he was denied of having gone through the initiation process and this, this is what we call brotherhood.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

MUST study.
MUST stop reading
and MUST start trying to get my own life.

i don't know if it's just me, or other people's lives are really just so much fun!
especially when they're rich and famous. and they want Goyard bags and get Goyard bags.
or that their sneakers are, God forbid, worth atleast 25 of my Old Navy sneaks, just because they have the *tentenenentenen* Vuitton print. or that they think Topshop is actually cheap while the farthest i've gone inside Topshop is the door because i realize just as soon that i'll only be disappointed. or because they write a hell lot better, making their blogs a 'tad' more fun to read.

hmm. that must be it.
so anyway, i talked to Franco in class today:
"lola mo ba si Gilda Fernando?"
nods, "oo, bakit?"
opens mouth for a few seconds, "wala. galing."
"pinabasa sya sa inyo? may binasa kayong sulat nya?" (how many grandchild have their literature teacher/professor ask them to research/read about their grandmother's literary work/s?)
"hindi. wala lang. she writes in the paper, diba?"
"oo, philippine daily inquirer. hindi na masyado, medyo mahina na sya."
"oo nga." (thanks to chuvaness, im up to date with Filipino literary news)
opens mouth again, for 5 secons, i think. "galing talaga eh."
"hello!" Denise said in a 'heller' tone, "franco?? kita naman diba, it's in the genes" she said,
well i have to admit, Franco is pretty good in writing, well, not pretty good. GOOD. kay?

i was so jealous, i just wanted to know how it is to have a lola like that. but then again, i felt really guilty. i remembered my own lola, she introduced me to the Curfew Must Not Ring Tonight, to Children's Hour and other literary favorites, and she was the reason why my father is just as good in writing, why my father has read numerous classics and has memorized several famous and not so famous poems. if i become a writer, which i already am, but i mean a real writer in the 'high-tech world' sense that people from my extended network would actually know my name, there would be no other that fueled the very passion that keeps me writing but my lola. her name might not be read in other prominent people's blogs, or she might not be mentioned on newspaper articles and her name might not printed on a hardbound under a title of a book i know very well she could've written, but her name will reappear in my handwriting and in my words. i don't feel so jealous now. i have my own Gilda Fernando only her name is much more beautiful and more personal, Fe Gardon.

Monday, September 24, 2007

of debut plans and getting spoiled every once in a while

papa's thai officemate, Sukalya is here in the Philippines, and because she wanted to see a volcano and kept pointing to Mindanao in her map, haha, we took her to Tagaytay. but the weather's not so kind as the heavens were pouring perpetually, and because it's tagaytay you could just imagine how thick the fog was, so we kept driving and driving.

then we chanced upon Sonya's Garden, and we have been talking about it for months now, so the rough road didn't bother us much. and it was majestic, it's so beautiful. i finally found my venue. this is it, it's perfect. it's so beautiful it almost made me cry, haha! really, it's so beautiful. i love it so much that i bet my parents couldn't say no when i asked them to let me celebrate my debut at Sonya's Garden's Greenhouse.

ofcourse the rest of my debut plans would have to be cancelled, the band, the lights, the gown and even the theme. because the venue is classy, i couldn't continue with the comics theme where kuya paolo aka creative director kuya of mine would be very much active. the band and disco at the end is without a doubt out of place in this whole peaceful ambiance, so maybe i'd go for a jazz band. oh God, im so excited. mom called after they dropped me off at elbi after the trip to sonya's and lunch at josephine's, she said it's going to cost a lot but not too much. but i love it, and she does too, haha.

i know i said i'll write about rashomon, but maybe later. oh and i googled those photos, i'll soon replace them with my own shots of sonya's garden.

Friday, September 21, 2007

last show today

RASHOMON is officially over, words of congratulations will now officially be accepted (and received, hopefully). had a blast, the production in general is amazing and the feedbacks are wonderful, close to perfect talaga and im not saying this because im a part of it. ah basta, lots of kwentos to follow, but for now i'm dying to go home and rest. i have the weekend, but unfortunately i have already committed to some appointments, so i don't know if i could fit 'rest' in my schedule. but anyway, the sem's almost over, so a bit of patience and perseverance would do me good.

and by the way, i just found out that Franco (ComArts, batch 05) is Gilda Fernando's grandchild. hmm?

Friday, September 14, 2007

teardrops on my guitar

i don't even play the guitar. hahaha! but anyway, i love this song.


you know how it feels when you've got a boyfriend or you're smoking then your mom calls and and tell you "usap tayo pag uwi mo." and you're so scared to go home. that's how i feel. though it's really not about home.

it's pretty much like vanessa hudgens scandal, only ofcourse im not some big celebrity and i didn't take a naked picture of myself. whatever. im not making any sense. i really just want to get all this over with.

hay. i can't even talk about it without crying.

Monday, September 10, 2007

ranting, PART 2

so it's Cecile van Straten's blog i'm currently hooked on. as ive said it's pretty addicting to know how the people from the other end of the pyramid lives. i'm listening to sean kingston's beautiful girls (thanks to gel's ipod) because i figured if you don't listen to the lyrics, the beats actually fun and it turns into a feel good song.

i kinda need to feel good right now.

watched One Tree Hill for 6 hours. and i bawled like a stupid baby at some very random scenes. i can't help it if i'm so into the jake-peyton love story and it's really killing me to see them part like that. seriously. i am so dumped by the fact that nicki's such a bitch and she just won't leave 'em alone. and peyton was really happy, its the first time that everything was so perfect for her. so i cried, and i cried some more. typical tisa. then i paused the damn thing and played it back to the part when jake was leaving, that part when he said "i could have held you in my armsforever, but that still wouldn't be long enough." it felt like stabbing my chest, then twisting the knife over and over again. it's torture. but sue me, i really find crying therapeutic. aside from ranting, crying is also what i do best. oh but anyway, im such a geek, i have no life which explains why i'm writing about someone elses. tas fictional characters pa, i have to get a life!! ahh, but anyway, it still pains me. hahaha. they were so wonderful, jake was so beautiful. i love jake. there! i said it, I LOVE JAKE!!

tish to gel: why am i such a loser?? haha.

Sunday, September 9, 2007

what i do best. RANT.

so early this morning i was reading Celine Lopez' and Gilda Cordero Fernando's column. yes, from two different newspapers. i couldn't even remember who writes for which just that they were in today's paper. i think.

so it's pretty tiring to read other people's lives. really. especially when they seem so heavenly, and yours is nothing to write about. but i keep reading simply because im hooked. last week i was so down about finding out how much writer's earn. but if you're the majestic Gilda Fernando who writes about 5 columns in the sunday paper (i don't know about the weekdays) you'd earn enough to feed a dozen children. but it's not like writers Jim Paredes, Celine Lopez, Tessa Prieto and Gilda Fernando need that extra thousands.

so as i was saying, i was reading Celine Lopez' column about internet. it was more like a blog entry about her love-hate relationship with the internet. she gets paid for it, i wonder when i will get paid for writing in my blog. oh. i guess when i become just as good, hmm, that makes sense. but what good is there to write about, lately i can't write about anything. i rant, that's what i do best. i sulk and get jealous. BUT REALLY, IM OK.

i'm not making any sense here. so anyway, i was checking out (stuff you won't read in the newspaper.) stuff you wish you read in your journal! i was getting all green with envy. again. just because these people live in the same country as i do, but they seem like somebody from the other end of the earth. i'd like to say that 'jessica zafra texted me...." too. i'd like to write about lunches with Dean Alfar and Socorro Villanueva, hahaha! but i'm a 17 year old writer wanna be, i don't write half as good as these people. and i don't even try.

one day i'm going to have a column too. and i'd write about parties and book signings. i'd be given complimentary tickets to plays and whatever. i'd write about countries i've been to over the weekend. but for now, i'm going to sulk and dream about it. haha.

Tuesday, September 4, 2007


there are good plays and then there are the bad plays. being a friend of the backstage people for Ang Buhay ay Pelikula, I'd rather not say anything. i love Angeli though, she's fantastic. but oh well, i've known this since our workshop days, she's really got the most potential. yey for Angeli!

Monday, September 3, 2007

Ang Buhay ay Pelikula

had a workshop on review writing yesterday given by Philippine Daily Inquirer columnist Walter Ang. had fun, though i finally realized that in writing it's really prestige over pay. how i crumbled in my seat when i found out how much writers earn, but in the end i still want to write. he said the first trick to get published is to try. to email editors and publishing companies if they still need contributors and to do it for free if they want you to. because really, nothing beats seeing your first byline, it's worth more than a thousand dollars. okay, exaggerated a little. to try again if you get rejected, now that's the big challenge for me, because being ME, i'd probably cry for a week before i try again. haha. loser talaga.

anyway. i'm going to watch Dennis Marasigan's Ang Buhay ay Pelikula staged by the Thespian Circle tonight. i don't know what to expect. I'm going to support my ex sisses and brods. haha!

that's it for now.

oh and yeah, i'm entering a writing contest. yey for me!

Friday, August 31, 2007

icebag baby

icebag week. watched the last day show this sem.
the thing with icebag is that it's fun, i couldn't stop laughing while i watch but i never go home happy. the walk home is always spent in silence.

Ma'am Layeta Bucoy is a goddess, icebags are always the plays to watch if you want quotable quotes and scenes that stay. "galit ako sa aking mga labi, dahil mahina sila" galing, dba? it's like milan kundera, only in tagalog. along the play i couldn't help looking at ehm, who's sitting beside me and say, "galing ni ma'am Lallie"

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

nonsensical stuffs

i want to dance. i want to sing. i want to strip into a bikini and feel the hot puerto sand under my skin. i want heat and i want to go so bad. ofcourse it is possible, i've got a very small problem though. my parents won't let me. who would blame them? boys, beach and beer, now that's a bad combination, a formula for an unwanted future. hahaha. but i'm a good girl, really, i just want to go for the sun and, well, the sand. that's not too bad. a little fun won't do a good girl bad, right? and everybody's going. except me. i should've gotten used to this scenario, but no, i'm still hopeful that they won’t ask questions, just nod their heads and open their wallets. oh joy. wishful thinking.

enough of puerto talk. i gave up my tickets for the atROCKtion concert because i'm trying to save up some of my allowance. so goodbye parokya and all you other bands. ima stay home and do my report like a good student should.

oh but i'm not a good student. a few hours ago i was talking with kuya rey, and well he's still running (more like brisk walking he said) for laude. and i'm gliding my way to dismissal. hahaha!! anyway, why can't i work harder? i can do better than a 1.9 gwa. i could run for laude too, if i atleast pay more attention to my studies than to my sleeping. But I can never seem to have the motivation to study. oh but anyway way, kuya rey got this 'ur halimaw' look when i told him i got 1.75 in HUM1 under ma'am Layeta Bucoy. i try not to show it, but i guess that sorta pulls my self esteem up. because like Chui said, Bucoy's the shit. she's the goddess of literature. oh and how i cried as i finished her take home exam because i was so afraid of insulting her intelligence by coming up with a mediocre crap. but i passed, and i did so much more than pass, i got a 1.75 and apparently for Bucoy, i must be a little good enough. maybe i could be a palanca awardee too. haha!! pushing my luck a bit here. But really, it means a lot to find out that not many gets a high grade from bucoy. Someone from batch 05 got 1.25, now that’s amazing. She’s in a goddess training for all I know. I’m jealous. Argh.

read Nikko's eulogy. almost cried. he's a good writer, well, better than me. haha. i have a knack for flushing my self-esteem down the drain, but he really is better.

anyway. gotta go, got a meeting with my SOC130 classmates about our report tomorrow. and ima drag my feet to vega because i don't want to go. there's nothing else i'd rather do than to stay home and write. oh yeah, manuod ng atROCKtion. ah, why is everything so depressing. i don't get what i'm saying dammit. got to go.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

of palanca awards and jealousy

so minutes after posting today's blog entry, i'm writing again. all because i'm all crimson with jealousy. i'm googling palanca awardees, searching for short stories and poetries.

dean alfar's the shit, though i really don't know if he won again this year just that he won the grand prize and other 9 palanca awards from the past years. dammit. i'm just sooo, well, jealous. i'm going to try, one of these days, when i'm good enough. i promise myself that i will try. and if i fail, i won't do a 'tisa' and sulk, i will try again. because i want to write and i want to prove to myself that i can be good at it. i'm going to be like dean alfar, and i'm going to marry my own nikki. ok that doesn't make sense. i want to write!!!

following my breadcrumbs before the birds start chowing

i was reminded of hans christian andersen's tinderbox, where the tree was being guarded by two dogs with eyes the size of cups. saan pa? sa thea 107 class. hahaha. okaaay?!

i'm wallowing in sadness a little bit longer, drowning myself with ideas of things to write about, because this'll be the last time i'll write about you. (weh?) everyone was giving me this confused look whenever i justify the things i do with 'i'm following my breadcrumbs' line. but i am. simply because someone was blunt enough to painfully thrust the words into my heart. (how corny that sounded.) because everyone else was telling me to hold on, to wait a little longer and someone told me to just get it over with, to get out of this hole i'm stuck in because i don't deserve it. i guess it really means a lot when someone tells me that i don't deserve this mess i'm in, i kinda feel like i'm worth something. i don't expect my breadcrumbs to lead me somewhere happy, but atleast to some place better than this, some place where things are a little less painful. it doesn't help that i'm a masochist, i love pain, i love writing about it. infact i feel as if i've mastered the art of melancholy, that's why i tolerate pain and awkward silences that means a million hurtful words, because sadness is the most beautiful thing i could ever write about. because tears are inks and broken hearts are clean slates awaiting another sad, poetic entry.

i'm giving it all away now. i'm going to be one hell of a writer, sinking in buckets of tears or not. i'm going to write about misty morning walks and stoplight conversations. exchange of i love yous with my favorite beatles song on the background. happy stuffs.

and all because i have this one really good friend. thank you. i've said it a million times just now, but what the heck i really am that thankful.

Sunday, August 5, 2007

balikbayans and twister fries

this is me. or maybe it's more appropriate to say that this is what i have become. i don't hate it, doesn't mean i don't like it either. i'm more focused on being happy now, i don't get it, really, when they say that happiness is a choice. i just don't quite understand, do you wake up in the morning and tell yourself that you're going to be happy, and everything goes your way? things just don't work out like that. it's not always all in the mind. sometimes, it's in the heart too and that's what makes it more complicated.

anyway, it's twister fries season. fun and fat in the same sentence, now that just aint right!

cousins went home from the states last week. get to hang out with little nieces, Jaymie and Nicole. Cousin Marissa got married last saturday at St. James in Ayala Alabang, reception was at Vivere. guess how much weight i gained. (i loathe being just like everybody else, conscious about how fat im getting.) went swimming at pansol today.

i'm seriously dying to meet my nephew, Nathan and niece, Danica. ofcourse March will be a special month for me, because i will turn 18. but Nathan being home, my brother being home, it's just, sooo perfect. i miss them all so much.

ces is home from ohio too. and we had a reunion last week. we had one too last night but i was at the wedding. family comes first. anyway, got nothing else to say. now that's first.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

i don't like you anymore.

Oh and I hate you. I didn’t think it’s possible, but I do. Because you don’t care enough to notice how I care. It’s because the people who are always around don’t get credit for staying, because they’re always there. And that’s how things are with you. You tend to forget about the people who cares most. To you, it’s about the special people and the acquaintances, I’m somewhere in between drifting from one category to another. And I really want to know where I stand, because I get tired too. those who say that when you love you don’t get tired don’t know anything about it. because it’s exhausting, it’s exhausting to try to be a friend to someone whom you want to be more than friends with, it’s hard to care, to be there all the time, to struggle with the right words only to feel insignificant, it’s exhausting to wait for nothing, it’s exhausting to keep on hoping that the fates would change their mind. I’m tired. And I’m lonely.

I don’t know what I really want. I guess I just need you to acknowledge me being there. Or maybe I just need to forget you and get this over with.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

of heartbreaks and friendship.

chase and pat broke up. chase has been going on and on about how he's okay about it. for those who doesn't know him, siguro nga. because to me, he seems lost. i don't know, caught up with trying to be happy and trying to release the emotions all at the same time maybe. being a friend does not require you to know the things to say, does it? because if it does, then i sure failed. i'm struggling with comforts, i'm lost for words. naguguluhan din ako, should i let him wallow in sadness? or should i make him forget? i don't know how to be a good friend, i've always felt that being around is enough. oh but i guess he needs more than that. but what exactly does he need?
i've been walking with him twice since last night, should i initiate talking about 'it'. i figured that if he wanted to talk about it, then he'd probably start the conversation, pero wala eh, so i assumed that he doesn't want to talk about it. atleast not with me.

they wrote about how we should help our girlfriends cope with heartbreaks, guys get their hearts broken too, oh but that's the story never told.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

battling ignorance

Frequent National Bookstore visitors will notice that the fiction section has grown inexcusably smaller. I find it terribly annoying that some Filipinos have very little interest in literature. Though love for books often starts at home, I think that it is also the school’s responsibility to bring their students closer to the enchanting world of words. I wasn’t blessed with a good literature teacher back in highschool, in fact I studied subject verb agreement year after year for four years. And honestly, It was a time badly wasted. (I envied my father’s kopong-kopong stories about what he learned from school, they read Edgar Allan Poe’s, Beuwolf’s and such.) I know for a fact that if we don’t do anything to stop it, the next generation will be dumber, less and less imaginative and dim-witted, thanks to the system of education, thanks to elementary and highschool teachers that teaches by the book and never by the words of Tolstoy and all them great. Back to National Bookstore, going through my usual browsing I observed that the classics, such as Hemmingway’s A Farewell to Arms, Harper Lee’s How to Kill A Mockingbird are now below 200 pesos. And I could only think of two reasons, two reasons that will either raise our hope for literacy among our unfortunate generation or prepare us for the downfall of the already sagging education. That they surprisingly lowered the prices to reach out to the financially poor lovers of a good read, or because literature is simply no longer of high value, that they are collecting dust in bookshelves full of expensive newer, sexier novels, that there is no other way to dispose them but to cut it’s real value. i would love to be able to talk to my children and hear them bragging about how they are receiving a better education that of that I received. Education should be improved by time, and yet it is always the opposite. When I was in high school, I asked one of my classmates if he has read this short story by Nick Joaquin, and he doesn’t even know him. I am ashamed of our lack of knowledge for these things, how do I expect kids my age to know H.G. Wells, if they don’t even know our national artist. People don’t feel ashamed that they don’t know about these great people and their equally great works, because everyone seems to not know it. Ignorance has become ordinary that everyone seem to think it’s cool, people who read and people who journey into the modern utopia become freaks. so I guess I’m a freak, then again so what?

Monday, July 2, 2007


I could almost do as I wish when I found out that mark has a “One tree Hill” dvd, all I need to do is reach over and strangle him. I had waited so long for this moment to come, sweet long hours of being stranded in the sofa, a bowl of chips close by, with Chad, oh Chad, on my screen. But the summer was almost through then and it was really late for me to start watching the whole season. But noone’s going to stop me from fulfilling my summer goal-to have a One Tree Hill marathon. But Mark, self-acclaimed Chad Michael Murray look alike won’t give it away without a fight. Oh he tried to battle with me, all right. In exchange for season 1 is a semester of math17. my answer-no way! Uh-uh! Unless ofcourse the deal was math 17 and I’d get Chad, fuh real! Haha. but he let me borrow it anyway. The first night was a long night, I couldn’t stop watching until 3 am, if I haven’t switched the tv off-grudgingly, the morning crow would have tucked me to sleep himself. One Tree Hill has always been about Chad for me, and now James Lafferty has joined the picture. Haha. I don’t know what it is with these series, they’re so addicting. It’s nice to watch somebody else’s (fictional fellas) lives, when you don’t have one, right? Anyway, Peyton’s hair reminds me so much of Pancit Canton. Not that it’s relevant, really. I used to hate Brooke, somehow it was Peyton’s character that reached deep into me. Not only am I fan of her artworks, but I am a big fan of her breaking stereotypes. Ofcourse she’s a cheerleader slut but other than that, I don’t see anything cheerleader-y in her. After a few more episodes, I learned to love Brooke as well. There is a certain sadness in her that I can relate to. She always feel as if something is missing, and I think that we all get that feeling when we’re lying in bed, thinking. Oh and it really hurts to find out that the only man you’ve ever loved loves your bestfriend, and as if that’s enough, the bestfriend loves him back. Too much drama! Haley and Nathan, now that’s my favorite couple. Lucas is good, but really he’s got to make a decision, and that’s what Nathan did. And isn’t it every girls dream for a man to leave his tainted past for a future with a tutor girl. Really, that’s pretty amazing. Now Karen, Karen is hot! For a mom, I mean. I really like her relationship with Lucas, it’s really more of a friendship. Keith is okay, and I really don’t have anymore to say about him. Dan is a loser, he’s pure evil from the very start. Sometimes I wonder if there is any good bone in his body. I don’t have anything to say about Deb. Oh and Jake, Jake’s hot! I really think that he deserves Peyton, they’re good for each other. They have this great, great chemistry that I can’t explain. And Jake having Jenny makes him even hotter. It would be nice if he and Peyton ends up together, but I don’t know I kinda like Lucas and Peyton to end up together too. Mouth, or Marvin Mcfadden-is hot in personality. He’s a really good little brother (Haha!). And I’m really sure that I like it if it’s him and Brooke in the end. As for the other characters- I have not much to say. Actually I have a lot to say. They’re just not that important. Obviously-I’m hooked! So are the others who devoted their time to One Tree Hill Marathons, namely Mark, Gel and Chase. It’s really crazy, the other day we were on the One Tree Hill fansite, is that embarrassing or what? Haha. Anyway, we were just checking out the episodes we haven’t watched yet. Rumor has it that Lucas dies in the end, because he’s suffering from HGM and Haley dies too, I just don’t know why, maybe while delivering the baby or something. Wikepedia gives a rather different information. Oh, I don’t know. I guess we just to have to wait and see. I was telling them the other day that my life kinda starts right when the opening song starts, one tree hill has become air for me. Haha! Anyway, with a lot of things filling up my schedule I can’t find the time for tree hill marathons. And I’m dying to find out what happens next!! Hay.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

whatever. whatever.

i have sir Joey for my thea107 class, which is a bummer because it would be so much fun, like icebag every monday and wednesday but he's not going to direct our production. so really, so much for the excitement. i'm not saying that i'm not thrilled to be working with sir Rufo, it's just i really want to know how sir Joey works. he said on our first class, "strive for perfection, so that if you do not attain it, you would be somewhere close" or something to that effect. there is a certain respect demanded by UP professors. not literally demanded, but i guess i always figured they deserve it, it's hard proving yourself to a class where half the students believe themselves to be better than you. i respect Sir Joey Vargas, as much as i respect the likes of ma'am Bucoy and sir Dumlao, because in every class they show you that they are better, but only for now, they are open to the possibility that time will come and you'll be so much better. and that they are a part of that painstaking process.

anyway, no classes yesterday. LAGUNA DAY. yey. anyway, Gel, Chase, Mark, Teej and I went to Paseo de Sta. Rosa, to have coffee. ha-ha. we went all the way there from Los Banos, just to have coffee. Gel bringing her car definitely made life easier. we hung out til 1 then we drove off to Tagaytay, and did nothing, we just drove. reached Laeuna de Taal, then drove again. arrived back at elbi by 3:30 and then Gel slept over. Elbi life without Bop is hard, i still can't believe she's in Diliman. i was so looking forward to 4 years together. i miss her so bad.

tuesday was a gloomy day. monday was so hooot, i was sweating like a construction worker, i bet i smelled like one too-so much for my first day, huh? but tuesday felt like december. and we were all stuck at home, watching korean movies. i love it anyway! no bonding like korean marathons. no love stories like korean romance movies. they know

after classes, Gel and i hung out. she'd definitely be hanging out at the apartment more than usual, and i know how hard it is for her that she doesn't have Bop back in her dorm. anyway, after that we had dinner at westbrook, her treat. and then we went star gazing, where? where else, freedom park. it was fun, i haven't really talked to her for the longest time. i guess i missed her too.

i have PE tomorrow. aeroboxing. i always find new ways to embarass myself. how great!

Monday, June 18, 2007

home sweet home

feelings: the comeback. whatever it means. to those who knows, this is a no brainer. to M.E. this is a new way to torture myself. anyway, i sooo love elbi. it's nice to be back home. i can almost smell proven from way up here. ha-ha. i'm welcoming sleepless nights and bitter movie marathons. it's only june, and already we can't help but plan our christmas party as if it is the reason our parents sent us here. at some point i know i'm going to condemn my lack of beauty sleep, or a 5 minute nap even. but right now, i'm still enjoying the thought, and i can already taste a drop of a strong coffee. i could almost feel the touch of elbi wind across my face and i could almost taste the famous raymundo proven.

i love elbi. so so much.

Monday, March 19, 2007

hollywood stars for the night

last night was B-an's debut. i have to travel all the way to Diliman from Binan. met up first with Bop in megamall, strolling in my pink tube dress. haha! it's my first debut without the three guys, but i enjoyed it anyway. and i think that the party would've turned out to be completely different if they were there. they didn't even know that i went, i wonder if we're having a falling out. nah. i don't think so.

the theme of B-an's debut is hollywood, so we had these name tags with hollywood stars' names in it. i am Rachel Bilson. Bop is Tyra Banks. Hazel, Sarah Jessica Parker. Jax is Ellen Degeneres. Gel, Julia Roberts and Diego is Elijah Wood. twas cool. i had fun. but in the middle of the dancing, my face started to itch real bad. we thought it was the make up, because for the first time, Bop bought this really cheap blush-on. but then again i also have this spots on my back, so it can't be the make up. another theory is that it's the rum in the tiramisu of which i had a big slice of. or the flowers. we're not sure actually, the red spots are gone after 30mins anyway.

hung out at starbucks in tomas morato before heading home. we have to fit in Diego's crv, all 6 of us + his driver. i was asleep the whole ride home. and i was awake until 5:30 am. haha! studying for my NASC4 exam, or not.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

sleepless friday

lately i've been having no time for friends, because the production is so time consuming. Bop hates me for cancelling another lunch date. and i super hate myself too. but what i've committed to requires my presence and full attention. i mean, i myself gets so tired sometimes, but it is really satisfying. as ma'am JC said, theater is addicting!

it's 3 am and i still can't grasp the concept of 'sleep'. i mean the only reason i force myself to surrender into my pillows is because i have to. i no longer need coffee, unless of course i'm studying sosc1 (spell BORING) haha!

it doesn't help that bum is insomniac, it means i have an instant companion for midnights like this. or that chris aka morris in Pagbulas ng Sibol can't sleep either. or that i simply can't lose myself in a deep slumber. it was a long day but i don't seem tired at all. i came to the point wherein i feel as if sleeping means getting robbed of time supposedly for something productive.

oh well, ima work on my nasc4 take home exam. or not.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

catching up

i've obviously been busy, the production has been filling up my sched. i lack sleep, food intake and time for pleasure. there are nights, midnights even, when i could just rain dennis gupa with all the possible profanities there is in this world. but then again, i so love pagbulas ng sibol.

i was so occupied that i wasn't able to write about my birthday, of which i had 3 parties. one from the apartment people + bop + gel +bian. one from my thespian circle family and one really green (literally) party from my girlfriends (sooo lesbian-haha!).

or about Bop's debut, which took so much effort since we have to rent a driver and pay a lot for the gas. and how from Bop's debut we went straight to Romjulea's debut in pasig, even though her real birthday is not until july. anyway, i love my blue dress which kuya paolo payed for, for a whopping 1,something. it's so simple, barbie like, body-hugging spag strap from sari sari.

bop, gel and i had a lunch date in bonitos. somehow, bonitos, always remind me of the three boys and that night when i had my superman hair. i know not why though, just that i do.

also that kuya rammil arrived last wednesday and we only have been together last sunday because i have to go back to Los Banos, and it's his retreat in Baguio. i was expecting a now blonde brother, but it's not as gold as we all expected it to be. he picked me up from my second play date in ruins. he was with two of his friends from singapore, and all four of us + eme had our dinner in iziz.

other than this, i mostly hang out at ruins. meddling with the props. having conversations with the other backstage people. getting all 'chums' with actors. trying hard not to look too sleepy. and trying harder not to feel sleepy.

Wednesday, February 7, 2007

thrusday thursday

Even though we’re going to have a celebration on Saturday, Weng still treated us to dinner last night. A round of calamares, carbonara, buffalo thigh, I love et! Gluttony is killing me!

Went out this afternoon with weng and roselle. I was craving for munchkins, and we ended up eating isaw, munchkins and cheeseburger. Talk about being on a diet. The rain started pouring immensely on LB grounds, we can stay and I could miss my meeting without knowing when the rain will stop or we can get ourselves wet and have fun. We chose the latter. But by the time we’ve decided to come out of the rain, it’s already pouring flippantly. Twas more like ambon, than it is rain. I’d rather have gotten myself soaked, than being partly wet. We looked stupid though, and it’s fun because no one seems to care. Three college girls, laughing in the rain. I love et!

We already started the miniature set design based on the sketch plan. I didn’t know ate Bea is that good in drawing, maybe even better than kuya Paolo, but I understand the pressure of making it perfect because Gupa is freakin’ obsessive. The base is made of styro, we’re not really done with the piano, the bed and other stuff, sir Gupa is so fickle minded he kept on changing the design. He has forgotten all about the horse, but he now wants chickens. Chickens?! Ayayayay. Boo and bum picked me up, I didn’t get to watch much of the line readings but it’s ok, I think I’ll be spending too much time in practice in the following days anyway. I’m excited and scared at the same time. This production, as it turns out, is a big, big, big production! We’ll be having Philippine Daily Inquirer, ABS-CBN, several radio stations and critics attending Spring Awakening. Gupa wants to make this play on the same level as international plays, and I believe in his vision. O-kay, that sounds unbelievably cheesy.

I’m suddenly hankering for siopao. And not just any siopao, that particular siopao papa and I had in La Salle. Grr!

Tuesday, February 6, 2007

happy birthday bum!

today is weng and bop's special day. bop just turned 18 and bum, 17. we had prepared bum a little surprise, we were supposed to buy her 17 solo chocolate cakes with one letter on each cake that spells, "happy birthday weng" but sweet picks was closed. so we setlled for Goldilock's choco crumble cakes. i had lunch with bop and gel in komeshi, ordered myself ika bento meal, and tamago which i didn't get to finish because i was already practicing gluttony by the fourth piece. selle and i was the one assigned to buy the cakes, so she was waiting for me in PhySci, apparently she had been standing there for a few minutes and had asked Ferdie and Romel (yep, the new COSS members, so proud!) to wait with her. so the four of us went out for the surprise, upon realizing that sweet picks is closed we went to KFC and, uh, ate. ha-ha! chase arrived shortly after, and the 5 of us decided to just buy what is available.
i cooked salisbury steak, eme cooked caldereta and boo cooked this floured eggplant which is unbelievably saraaaaap! it tasted like mojos, especially with a ceasar dip, it's heaven i tell ya! then we all gathered here in the apartment for a feast, ferdie and the other rm.303 boys didn't attend the partay, sad thought. grr!
okay, that's it for today. i have a long exam on sosc tomorrow and it worries me that i don't feel worried about it. amp.

saturday loving

nothing beats grilled cinnamon and coffee for breakfast, and having to sit with your dad and talk about global warming and other important stuff you don't get to talk about everyday. i had a blast bonding with my dad, we went to makati after dropping off uncle nick in shaw then we met up with my brother(who by the way have a 3 inch stitch on his head-frigging thieves!) in glorietta and the three of us watched Apocalypto in Greenbelt which is strictly R18. i have to lie just to get in, tsk tsk tsk. in the beginning of the movie, i could definitely understand why the cinema was so strict about letting in people under 18 because the movie is implausibly gory. i enjoyed it anyway, i think mel gibson is very skilled in making movies. ofcourse i can't compare Apocalypto with The Passion of the Christ but you have to agree that they were both made in a very intense manner. i was constantly covering my face, hitting my brother or fidgeting my fingers. i was careful not to say "shit!" or any worse profanity, so i regularly nosh my mouth with popcorn. haha! papa and kuya are not as impressed as i thought they would be, but they also don't dismiss it as a bad movie, maybe just not what they expected. kept saying we should've just watched Night at the Museum with the funny Ben Stiller, it's lighter, much much lighter than the gruesome scenes of Mel Gibson's film.

anyway, it will be another month before i get to bond with my dad again, as he is leaving for malaysia on monday. i miss him most when i watch him drive away when he and madrops me off in elbi on sundays. i don't know why.

Thursday, February 1, 2007

of korean movies

Twigs, live horse, fruits, grand piano, forest background. Few of the things we need for the set design. I am so thrilled about this production. The first and last time I was a part of any prod was back in my elementary days, “Pilandok” in Music Museum. Now, I’m working backstage and it will be a complete new experience for me. Yey! Of course, it’s all fun for now, but it won’t be in the following weeks. But I know that I’d love the intensity, the stress, the sweat and the shouting. That way, I’d really feel that I am a part of this major production.

Bought myself an 8-in-1 DVD, Korean movies. I miss those times when my brother’s Chinese girlfriend, Tracy, used to lend me her DVDs. Anyway, the very moment I got home, 1 cheese roll, a bag of Michell’s chocolate chip cookies, donut and lumpiang toge after, I popped in The Art of Seduction of which I know nothing of. I’m not really that into Korean movies to know the actors by name or to research about it, it was the first movie so I chose it. I seem to think of Korean or Chinese romantic comedies of superior quality than Tagalog films. I’m not being treacherous to my own country, but you have to admit, ours are more on the slapstick part than it is comedy with sense. But I guess I’m just comparing everything to Windstruck, which is my all time favorite movie (and also everyone else’s) I wasn’t able to finish it though; I have to run off to the sunken lobby for the committee meeting. I love the feeling of being uber productive. I love et! Love et, love et! Ha-ha.

exhaustion and jealousy

My body has been cursing me, it has this intense desire to cling to the bed and lie so peaceful beneath the covers. And yet, this body though overwhelmed with exhaustion, has been awake all day, and alert all night. I no longer feel the need for coffee, feels as if I have a supply of caffeine inside me, but I need some rest, and yet I ain’t getting any.

Anyway, I think I may have failed my first math exam. I could’ve tried harder, but I didn’t. I didn’t feel so bad because I didn’t even study that much, yes, I was awake even at the wee hours of the night, but all I did was eat and talk and eat. Nothing so productive. Only, well, sinful in a way that it makes me bloat like a shiny red balloon in a few days. I could make up for it by passing the next exam, but even that is questionable. it’s funny how well I suck in math. And how everyone else is so good at it.

A while ago, Bum confided in me about the “sweet” our friend/her crush’ is so fond of. It’s not an easy thing, jealousy. Tsk tsk. I say get out of the fire, before jealousy burns you like hell.


Monday, January 29, 2007

vanity attack!

monday lunch date with bop and gel, spent P180 for a meal. grr! im supposed to be saving money for bop's debut and my trip to uste, but i so love food! anyway, the three of us we're supposed to see each other again in math class later this afternoon, which is great because 2hour lunch dates doesn't quite make it. but math class was canceled. whoopy for me! it means no friggin billy sison, and more time to read othello, which is not really that much fun but i really should be done with it by tonight. yey! puyat mode ulit. coffee. wee!

selle, weng, tine and i went to the rooftop and i brought along with me my Othello book, but it just lied there, overlooked and unloved. haha! with our chapped lips we were singing, accompanied by weng's guitar, we were singing so loud that our voices were probably heard in the first floor. i am quite baffled as to why it's so cold here in elbi. is it usually cold this time of the year? it feels like we're in baguio.

vanity attack, there's no stopping it. we took tons of photos to wrap up the rooftop event. haha!
twas fun, ofcourse. even though if someone happens to pass by the dirt road we'd look totally foolish, and, well, uh, vain. anyway, later tonight we'll be celebrating kuya karl's bday. yey! lots and lots of food. ok, i should be readin othello by now. gotta go be productive.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

random things

i'd rather look happy and seem that i'm feigning exhilaration, than be a bitter bitch by frowning infront of him. but still, my initial reaction was that i fell silent, not because i am hurting, but because i am still trying to digest the thought. i'm still trying to figure out what i really am feeling. and it took me 5 hours to realize that i have moved on. it might hurt, but maybe not as much as it would if this happened days, or weeks ago. i am happy for you, and i do hope it lasts.

preparing for another arduous week. exams on wednesday-friday. meaning, no lunch dates, and no ludy's night in elbi. no princess hours and less hours for blogging. pff!

met up with highschool friends last saturday. i didn't realize just how much i missed them, ofcourse twas emotional, because we have to reprimand the straying vienne. but that wasn't until 7, or something. jear, ayin, nicole and i have benn together since 10. and we ate and stayed at pizza hut for three long hours catching up with stories. and if by some sheer twist of fate they get to read this, i just like to say that i super love you guys. and i just remembered what jajhing told vienne, "kapag pinahamak ka ng mga tropa mo ngayon, magalit ka man samin dahil pinapagalitan ka namin ngayon samin at samin ka pa rin babalik" i might push the tropa bahind my priorities right now, but i really do love them.

ok, excuse me, as i return to my 'othello'
right now, literature is a burden to me.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

thespian circle.

First UPLB Thespian Circle meeting. I am ecstatic! The meeting lasted three hours, as we already have a production to prepare for. Well, it is actually thea115’s production, the thespian circle is really just for support. Anyway, first they put me in the publicity committee with Jin and this other sis (I can’t remember her freakin’ name). Then I volunteered myself for the stage design when the publicity committee has already reached 10 members. Twas all good, I don’t care where I am, these are all for experiences anyway. I am so excited about this 10-day production entitled “spring awakening”. Well, eme will be doing a lot more work than I, because she’s in public relations, she has to call tv and radio stations, she even has to call ccp if she could post some of our advertisements there. while I only have to put up all the designs in the ruins. How the hell can we beautify ruins? And then after the play, we will rush to fix the stage, and we’re going to this for ten days! And, I just have to add that there’s only me and ate Bea. Goodluck!
Unfortunately, I’ve only met my batchmates, and there aren’t anyone who I can call hot. Haha! But there is one whom I noticed simply for his voice. His voice, and nothing else. His laugh fascinated me, if you hear him speak without seeing him you’d probably picture him differently. His voice was deep and manly, almost what you’d expect Zeus’ voice would be. But, unfortunately, that’s it. just the voice, he told me I looked like someone in miss Saigon, too bad I haven’t really watched it. I’ve been meaning to, but it’s not that easy you know.
Throughout the first part of the meeting I’ve been staring at Jin’s back. It is one sexy back. Haha! But anyway, I’ve always thought she’s sexy so it’s no surprise.
Some of my batchmates are blockmates, Kate and Rachel, munsci-an, Biboy, westbrooker, Jin, fil20 classmate, Denise, fellow commarts student, Sab, eng4 classmates, Lei and Angel.
After three hours of meeting, eme and I went straight to square to have dinner!! And after 4 days without rice, I ordered myself a calamares meal. But I only ate half cup of the rice. Haha! TJ and Bum picked us up. Im a sleep now. no coffee for tonight, only lots of good sleep. Goodnight.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

i love wednesdays

i was so edgy about the speech. but i relish in this feeling, this feeling of unfamiliar nervousness, as i stood before 30 of my classmates, my hand shaking in anxiety, i was taunted with questions. will i stutter? will i fall on my butt? will i make a fool of myself and never show my face again? oh, i really love the way my heart races. the fear, the panic, my head trying to remember the next word. boo said i should've gotten used to the attention, "parang ms.intrams lang yan" he said, but it's funny, i've done cheerdance and i danced in many school programs, and yet i still have this freaking stage fright. i love it anyway, so it doesn't matter.
oh well, i was shaking but i guess it wasn't that obvious that i was so jumpy because my prof complimented me. but ofcourse she also criticized me, she said i lack facial expression(the facial expression i practiced all night. asar!). but twas good. good enough for me.
anyway, after math class i went out with bop and gel. i bought myself a 'gogo' i know im on a diet but its like ceasar salad in a soft taco shell. it wouldn't be too bad, would it? grr. ceasar salad with a big chunk of chicken! went to westbrook afterwards, and distributed the scrapbook materials among us, haha! we left the wooden 'baca' for bossing ofcourse. what the hell is she gonna do with it?
eme brought me along to this environmental film showing. twas a documentary about one of the Philippine islands, called Fuga. it's prolly one of the few left uncivilized native islands of this country. it's paradise, except ofcourse that there's a lot of disease that cannot be cured because there are no hospitals. and that there is insufficient food because the people from the mainland has been getting all the fishes from their part of the sea. and now tim yun, or is it tan yun, is threatening them to leave the isand. calling them 'squatters' of the land where they have lived for hundreds of years. i was furious. this business tycoon has apparently 'bought' the island for 50million pesos on marcos' regime. how can someone buy an island owned by the country? he is transforming fuga island into a fantasy island. 12000 hotel rooms, 17 golf courses and the biggest gambling casino?? this is not worth wiping out our native brothers and sisters. to think that this guy who 'own' Fuga island is a filipino, a bicolano to be exact. grr. it is so infuriating. how can someone be so cruel to his fellow filipinos? we should be helping each other rather than trying to get ahead of everyone else. it's stupid, he's got everything he wants, he's a very rich man, why take away something worthless for him from those poor natives: their home.
okay enough with the ranting, even if i was so guilt stricken for eating 'gogo', i decided to treat myself with a strawberry shake. wee! and ofcourse, ceasar salad, which the waitress calls 'cesar' haha! ceasar salad, which is also my dinner last night. i haven't eaten rice in 3 days. oh, i hope this works. wish me luck.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

caffeine high

another sleepless night. nights like this, i can only depend on coffee. coffee, coffee, coffee. but my body seems to have been immuned of caffeine, it no longer works for me. i can only enjoy it's bitter sweet taste, the heat, the aroma but not the purpose it is supposed to give me. oh caffeine, i seem to have only been living for nights when i'd get to have a reason to make myself a cup, or two, okay, sometimes three.
single life is fun, really. but sometimes it can be inanely pathetic and dull. you'd wake up in the morning and sit at the end of your bed wondering why you still open your eyes when the sun begins to rise when this day would be exactly like yesterday. it's like reliving a painful day over and over again. it sucks. and then you remember "oh, right, i can make coffee tonight" and the rays of early june sun would drop like tiny poka dots in your burnt skin, and everything would seem all right.
you'd get on with your life thinking ''just get through the day, and then you can have your coffee.'' oh joy. life is great.

Monday, January 22, 2007


spent the better half of my first day of the week by having lunch at ludy's with college bestfriends, Gel and Bop. we watched friends at 'crib' afterwards. twas a good series finale, but i am not so much of a ross-rachel fan as i am of joey and rachel. pretty weird, huh? anyway, it will be another sleepless night because i am going to finish my speech tonight. ooh, i'm so proud of how well i procrastinate. haha!