First Sem Over

My semester is finally over. Contrary to my expectations, it was one of my hardest. I thought a production-free semester would mean I’d also be free from stress and strenuous workshops, but it turned out otherwise. Although hard, it is also a fun-filled semester. I remembered putting a list next to my bed of times Pen skipped class, times Chase got drunk, times I wished I were somewhere else, and genuinely happy times. I forgot all about it, because those are times in countless doses. I am extremely happy to be a semester away from graduation (and real life) but also extremely sad to be leaving behind a lot of people and a lot of good times here in LB Paradise. Here are some of the reasons why this sem is special:

• ENG106 – this is my one chance to expose my sentimental, over-emotional writing. It was also, supposedly, a venue to start my thesis. And so I was disappointed at first, to find that sir Caloi has decided we study poetry instead of short story writing. But I’ve grown so much as a writer through this class. And even finished a suite of poems, which by the way sir Caloi says is one of the best in class. This is an ego-boosting, feel-good, i-don’t-care-if-i-take-again class.

• Faustina’s – I remember uno nights at Café Antonio, Citrus Crème and Spamwich at Boston, Good ol’ Ham bonnet at Ristretto but nothing beats Faustina’s. Because 1.) Cheap, but good coffee 2.) Expensive, but good ribs 3.) Nice staff (I like nice people and good service) 4.) Clean, homey bathroom 5.) Classy royal purple walls and artsy interior 6.) Princess Gelly. I realized I went there once or twice at least in a week, but that I haven’t gone there without Gelly with me. Our pseudo-intellectual discussions of books and movies take place here. We spend hours, twice for five hours here. Faustina is next to home in LB.

• El Scorcho – Our (my, Chase’s and Gelly’s) bestfriend song. Weezer or Dashboard version, whichever. Chase and Gel are my new happy pills. I need them around, even if it means getting teased about being fat incessantly, to keep me sane. I love them both and our efforts to make time for each other.

• PANTAS – I know, I’ve been really busy with Gel and my “me time” so much that I’ve failed to do my job right. I also have been so inactive for the past months. But I love Pantas and I enjoy myself whenever we have to get together for a folio launch or an orientation, or whatever. Just not execom meetings, pleeaaase.

• Housemates – We now have beds, yes congratulations are in order. The house is messier than ever, but it’s not like we care. The whole place looks like a laundry room and cockroaches have now found a new home in our apartment. Sadako still lives in the bathroom, but is now free to roam the living room as well. And manang still resides under the kitchen sink and is now stealing dvds and pony tails too. But I will not exchange this paradise for Paris. No, not the movie nights, or the countless moments of nonsense laughter, or lunch at Tita’s, or inside jokes. This will forever be home to me.

Now that I think of it. Leaving doesn’t sound so good. Yes, the list of times and reasons why I wish I am somewhere else may outnumber these, but here when I am happy, I really am happy. Most people would spend a lifetime finding where they belong, and I know I say I belong somewhere else, but I think maybe this is it.

I don't know why I even bother. Talo naman ako parati. I shouldn't feel like you're a competition but I can't help it, you're taking away the little things I want, when you already have everything. Naaasar ako, hindi sayo, sa sarili ko. Kasi I've told myself so many times that I won't get affected, but I always do. Because even if no one asks, even if no one cares, I'm fragile too. And right now, I feel broken.

Sometimes I want to ask you if you feel neglected, because I do. When I ask you if you're listening and you tell me "no" you never bother to ask what it was I was talking about. And yet I listen to you still, I have no right to throw it at you because I do not listen out of responsibility but out of love. It's just sometimes I wish you'd listen to me too.

Everyday you tell me about him and all your theories and thoughts about him but not once did you ask me how I'm feeling. Yes, I roll my eyes and play dead but don't I always say I will never tire of your problems even if you've told it to me a million times in the span of a month. You're so sensitive of other people's feelings and yet so insensitive of mine. I guess it's hard to gauge how I feel, seeing that I'm so moody lately. But of all people you should understand, I am so demanding of your attention the same way you are of Chase's. It's because you're all I have. At the end of a very bad day, you're the first person I text, the first person I expect to comfort me and you never failed me with that. Twice have I felt harassed by professors, and on both instances, you were there to pick up the pieces. I hate myself for asking too much, for being so selfish. But I have my reasons, yours is the only attention I demand of, and it's not as simple as because Chase has disappointed me much in the past but because, again, you're all I have. And it's not a matter of having no choice but because being that I have no boyfriend, you are the most special person in my life.

In the end, guilt will haunt me to sleep. You are a good friend after all. And I forgive, because don't I always? But you know memory is the most prominent of all concepts in my life and so because I live by remembering, I never forget. So tomorrow, or later I will be okay, we will be okay. But the next time this happens, I will tread our way home in silence, again. And feel just as bad as I do now.

Slowly eating me.

It just hit me. I have to start reading again.
The last one was Memories of my Melancholy Whores which I finished last summer. Embarrassing for a bookwhore. A series of novels I started reading but never finished, after. Atonement. Timetraveller's Wife. 100 Years of Solitude. What is happening to me?
My list keeps getting longer. And I'm stuck with laziness and my desire to maximize my time left with my housemates. I hafta start reading again.

Because my article is finally done.

I realize that all day long I listen to your stories, to your endless theories, even to your worries if your chickens have food in country story. And then I talk about worrying about my article and halfway I stop and ask if you’re listening and realize you’re not. I realize whenever I tell you something I have to always check whether you're listening, because most of the time you're not. Sometimes you tell me you feel unappreciated, and I try hard not to be so self-absorbed like all Leos and never tell you, but I do too. At least the men you love at some point loved you back. I never had the same fate. I mean I only really loved two, just a quarter compared to you. With Chase, although i have nothing bad to say about him except having hurt me so much in the past, I am without good words to say about it too. Not once have I felt needed, or my presence appreciated. The same goes with Mark, who will continue to live despite my existence, or inexistence. I also realize I shouldn't complain, after all thanks to you I sometimes feel fine with the fact that I am alone. Because I feel we're in it together. I don't feel the need for a boyfriend whenever you surprise me with mashed potatoes and BLT whenever I'm lonely, or with hokaido dome (our favorite) whenever you promise you'd come to LB early and didn't, or when we sing El Scorcho out loud. It's just today I feel you don't listen to me enough. And I know I have a tendency to talk way too much, but still. I mean I already feel I don't have enough friends who care enough. I shouldn't feel this way about you. You are my best friend, after all.

just when I thought there's nothing more to give.
i chose you and discovered the million things I haven't given him yet.

you are mine, forever to keep

some people measure their pains by the seasons that passed.
i measure mine by the years.

some people forget when they stop talking about it.
some people forget when they talk about it a lot.
i don't forget. simple as that.

some people recover as fast as they had fallen.
i keep on falling.

some people bounce back as if nothing happened.
i never hit the ground.

some people move on to another when the time requires change.
i never move on.

some people stop when they tell themselves to.
i cheat myself by dreaming.

some people capture your heart.
i will never so much take hold of your hand.

some people pass by and you would never chase them back.
i will run, come morning i will be by your side again.

some people, they never mattered to you.
i am different, i am your friend.

some people they will never understand. they never try.
you always did.

some people, they never measured to my expectations.
you also never did. so i pulled them back so you would.

some people, they try to penetrate my world.
i have built mine around you.

some people will get tired of my complicated life.
i pray you never do.

some people love me.
but i love you.

Rangers

I think I know.

I have one too many reasons to stop being black and white but I can't help it. It's just the way I am. I know they find it funny, an anecdote while drinking even, how I've only had two suitors and I didn't even say yes to one of them. I'm not easy. I'm not saying they are, It's just I need time. I take too much time actually.

I'm too complicated, I don't even understand myself. I wish I'm more complicated though. I don't know what I want. I want to be found. To have something big. to be a Nana and have Ren. or be Nana and have Nana. i don't know!!!!

Maybe I don't want to be found, maybe not as much as finding thrills me.

if this is a choice like gel says it is, then i choose to wake up tomorrow devoid of any hurt or feelings for you. i choose to be happy.

and tomorrow, I will be.

logged out of blogger and decided to download mangas from vnmanga when i found out the site's already closed. WTF

Zero = Love

Watching : Vampire Knight (anime)

the problem with me is I read too much. so there, I already know the ending and I've lost the desire to watch more since i will not get the ending I want. and since I know everything that will happen. Zero over Kaname in whatever dimension. Zero and Yuuki forever. okay, sorry, I sound like a fan just now.

reminds me that I miss: Nana, Goong and Paradise Kiss

read all three mangas. am not a big anime fan. so I choose what i watch depending on the drawing. and I'm a big Ai Yazawa fan, so there. my ged, Nana. The most painful anime there is. read the manga and cried like a baby in front of the computer. Nana is too much for me. Not in a bad way though, it's just, so real to me. the pain is so incredibly real. Watched only up to the 9th episode because it's a long series, I don't even think it's done now. Paradise Kiss is a short one, so I read the manga and watched the anime which lasted for only 4 hours I think. Goong is the manga version of Princess Hours. mas nakakakilig than the live version. believe me.

so there. I'll end this before I rant about mangas.

On s’en va sans savoir

been listening to La Meme Histoire all night. well actually all morning too, since 11 last night til what, 6 am? hahaha! i don't know what to feel listening to it. I guess it brings back the feeling I had when i watched one of the short films from Paris, Je T'aime. The one about a man who was waiting for his wife at a restaurant. all the while, thinking about things he hates about her. how she wears her favorite red jacket all the time, and promises she'd throw it away but never does. how she sings only one song over and over again while she cooks. how he always seem to order the better food when they're eating out because she always seem to like his better than what she ordered. and so now in the restaurant, he's waiting for her so he could tell her he's leaving her for a younger, sexier woman. so she arrives, in her favorite red jacket, and sits opposite him. they stare at each other for a while, she was smiling. and then all of a sudden, she starts to cry. and the man was thinking, could she have found out about the younger, sexier woman? and then out of her bag she pulls out this white paper, and he reads it and finds out she's sick and has only a little while to live. he embraced her, and decided not to leave her. he started doing things for her, taking long walks with her, reading a book to her. He listens to her sing while she cooks, and would hug her from behind resting his chin on her shoulder. he said by acting like a man inlove, he fell inlove again. but the wife died, and since then everytime he sees anyone in a red jacket he feels an intense loneliness.

i don't know how long that film was, a little more than 5 minutes I guess, but it made me so incredibly sad. made me cry, actually. even if I was watching it with Franco and Karize. there were no dialogues, just the man narrating everything. talking of how he feels, of what is happening, so most of the time there's just silence. my ged, parisians are so irritatingly romantic. i don't get kilig over old people, and this one is about a couple in their late 40s or early 50s maybe but it was so beautifully done. I can't wait for Karize to get back in LB so I can get my copy. I want to watch it before the New York, I Love You movie comes out (this August, I think).

so anyway, Feist is tired of singing La Meme Histoire in my itunes, but I'm still not over with the song. I feel both light and sad listening to it. It's not always that I feel this certain, I don't know, peace.

on trying and gaining back my bestfriend

Sir Piocos read my concept paper and poem in class today. He said my entry about how I came up with the concept was much better and more sincere than my poem. That it was actually more poetic. It was actually more of a dear diary thing and I was afraid he’d say how teeny-bopper it was, haha! But he liked it at least, said it was mature and well, poetic. He’s not a fan of the poem though. Ugh.

So anyway, I think it’s about time I make time for writing. Something well though of but not trying too hard. Shit before this semester ends I have to atleast be chosen once for the best poem, im so tired of waiting for MY time. I have to make it happen. Demmit.

Which brings me to Monday night talk with Chase Isip. Funny how we can talk now like we used to when we were still bestfriends-bestfriends. And I had the longest discussion with him about me trying to actually get this guy, and when I couldn’t stress the point why it’s so important for me to try, I just had to tell him. So I did. Mark and I debated on this almost everyday for what, two weeks now. Because I see no point in telling him what’s already passed, Mark says I should just for the heck of it. And now Chase and I are sharing one too many laughs about it. And when I look back, I realize it is funny. Brought us closer I guess. And now he understands, how when it was during his time I never once tried to make him love me, that whenever girls would come to his life I would shut up and simply wait for MY time. and now I just felt the need to find out whether things would be different for me if I try. I know how hopeless and pointless fighting a losing battle is. But after 3 years I realized I’m never really the kind to get tired of hoping. But when Chase looked at me so seriously and said “maawa ka naman sa sarili mo” I felt ridiculously pathetic. He said I should stop trying to change just because I don’t feel enough. He asked me if I don’t feel that I am at least worth someone who’d love me because I’m simple and a million party nights away from being aggressive. I’m crazy sad because of how things are going for me, but on one side I feel extremely happy because I have chase to lean on to. Even if he feels he’s not helping, he’s the biggest help I have right now.

I guess this is a long enough entry to compensate for my absence these past few days. So, til tomorrow. I wait and no one will come. Fucket I’m kidding.

recycling poetry

would you believe, my second to the last post which was actually really just about what happened tonight is now revised into what i will pass tomorrow in Eng106 class. yes, this is what we like to call recycling. it's not yet done done, but it's better, i think. minus the details of the first one which is just a narration. i tried to apply a little subtlety, i've never been good at that though. i'm better with giving it all, no mystery, know what i mean? anyway, eto na:

Dama De Noche
In the silence of your absence
I remind myself
of nights before.
You lulled me to sleep
with your finger
mapping the lines on my palm.
dreamsounds in the background
invisible arabesques on the wall
In the confines
of my apocryphal universe,
where you fall like the nobleman
for dama's fragrance,
I will win your heart
in a one night's time.
I pray Cynthia
sing me to sleep
it's pointless waiting
but you keep singing
and i keep waiting.
I wait for forever's end
And til then
tonight, and nights after
I wait
And no one will come

for balance, instead of ranting about my nonexistent lovelife, I've decided to talk about how shitty my academics are going. well, the reality is that it will all go down to my being irresponsible, but creative writing is not exactly only about sense of responsibility, but talent as well. i look back at all the poems i've done only to realize that they are all wrong. sure, writing is about saying how you feel and all that crap, but apparently there is a right way of doing it.

this is my version of free writing, so for 5-10 minutes i will rant nonstop about not being talented enough. i'm talented at so many things, waiting for one, waiting forever, second. but not so much in writing. I may be the most normal being there is. I am absolutely ordinary and it sucks the life out of me. There is nothing worst in the world than being ordinary.Franco says love for writing is enough reason to go on, but I realize love for writing will not exactly sell, it could only do so much, like pass Eng106 for example(Please Lord, let me must pass eng106).

i'm so tired of wanting something so bad and being contented in watching it from afar. actually, contented is not the right word, more like limited. i have no idea what kind of magic the invisible wall that separates me from my dream is made of. restriction, maybe. i want to free myself from the religious constrictions I have, from the family values I value so much so i can be free to write whatever I want. but the reality is that I don't even know what I want to write about. just that I want to write, that much I know.

I don't want anything else. I just want to write! no purpose, no goal. i just want to write. and yet my heart seeks the acceptance of those around me. I want to be good. my god, I'm never good enough for anything, am I?

Nikko says the problem with poetry is that it's so arbitrary. what may be good for one may suck for someone else. i don't care about anyone else, the acceptance of my professors are enough. one unbelievably flattering compliment and i might, might, might find hope in writing again.

don't get me wrong, leaving writing has never crossed my mind. this is my life. i know no other thing than writing. but sometimes, instead of freeing me from my pains, it causes me greater distress. I believe in loving what you do and doing what you love, and more than the silly boys in my blogs, writing is my one great love. but i'm getting nowhere. i have absolutely nothing wonderful to offer the world. you won't exactly get somewhere by fading away, will you? i don't want to fade away. i'm no kurt cobain, and if ever i do fade away, atleast let me do it with honor. with my own Come As You Are.

i'm not making any sense, am I? i don't usually make sense. i sort of just rant and rant and i usually don't know how to stop. I have nothing to write, tomorrow's the deadline for the Eng106 poem, and I'm tired of making something only good enough to pass. my 35/50, 15/25 and 35/50 is not good enough. no! ONE MAD IDEA! how hard is that?

my god. i've been waiting 3 hours now, where is he?

dama de noche

i found i have a knack for waiting. expecting follows.
the day's bipolar weather made me undesirable in any way possible.
and in the shower i thought of the night i am to spend with you.
dreamsounds in the background
and invisible arabesques on the wall.
you will be busy studying, and i'll be busy pretending.
i spent an entire half hour tending to myself.
a big shirt and tiny-teeny shorts were enough
but instead of smoke and sweat from an all day's work
i smelled like mango passion fruit.
in the confines of my apocryphal universe
where you fall like the nobleman
for dama's fragrance,
i will win your heart
in a one night's time.
feet crossed, chin propped on one palm
i tried putting the thought away
til later when it is real.
cynthia alexander was singing
loud in my ears
and i felt you touch my shoulder
lightly, gently, like a feather
about to fly away.
you were dressed to leave
and i betrayed you with a smile,
i asked you to take care
and you promised you would be back.

feet crossed, chin propped on one palm,
i wait again for forever.
til then, tonight and nights after,
i am your dama de noche.

September all over again

this time, it's no longer just plain painful. last night i was happy. my arms intertwined with yours, you once again played your finger on my palm. i showed you how to do it, you kept doing it wrong but the truth is you can do it any way you want, i'd be glad just to have a part of you touching a part of me.

i'll remember every detail, it will be a crime to forget. I remember every song you sang last night, everything you said. I remember the faces you made when i said something stupid or funny, or when i got over-emotional. I remember the way my cheek touched your shoulder when you were showing me how to twist my hand.

my god, i sound so obsessed!

shiny red balloon spoils everything

barbie, listen please
my little boy blue is stuck
outside waiting for it to stop
one two three
the rain is falling
can you hear?
i can

barbie, sing me to sleep
make me forget for a while
the rain outside
is pouring inside
the tears are coursing
down my back

barbie, stop lying
i have you to blame
it's pointless waiting
but you keep singing
and i keep waiting
and no one will come

barbie, i'm sorry
the world is turning black
paint it back to blue
i'll wait a little longer
i promise i will
til then fill me
with the darkness that is
you

M is for Misery

I know, eventually, like him, I will have to let you go. And it hurts to know I always have to be the one to stay behind while others walk beside you, it hurts that after the long painful journey I had with him, I'm still here treading a longer walk with you. i can stop halfway and run back, but my heart won't let me. and i keep welcoming thoughts of you, and us together only to realize at the end of the day that it can never be.

I put too much effort into this, more than things I did for him. If there's anything I got from this, it's that now I have him to lean on. nakakatawa, pero nakakairita. we're improving, i thought we were. that night we talked for hours, laughing hysterically about the most mundane things, you lulled me to sleep with your finger mapping the lines on my palm, i had my hand resting on your chest, we were listening to dreamsounds, I was so happy. That night ended with her head resting on your shoulders as you brushed her hair with your fingers, you went home hand in hand. i felt so defeated.

this is not a race, if it is, she'd be halfway through. i could atleast run and find out how far my feet would take me, but is it stupid pointless to run and lose? the second placers don't really matter that much, I know, I've always been second. never first. never only. always second.

you make me feel so ugly.

One day, I have to get up, get out and run as fast as I can to the farthest my feet will take me.

You won’t be there. No one will be. Just me. Finally only myself to blame for my own miseries. God knows how much I’d rather you take me. How much I’d rather I take you with me to my escape. You to ride bikes with me in the fields of Tuscany. You to lean on as I get emotional listening to sad Spanish guitar. You to walk hand in hand with in the bazaars in Bangkok. You to wait for while you’re at work. You to fight with over directions. You to make up with after a long fight. You to laugh with after a long day at work. You to wait for, so we can eat dinner together. You beside me after I painted our new living room wall. You, you, you. I know it will never happen, and it breaks me.

They asked me what hurts more, is it that you don’t love me, or is it that you love my friend? The truth is I don’t know. Just that it hurts. And I need it to stop. I thought I wonderful that you got me over him. But you got me through the pain only to prepare me for the worst.

Someday I will run away, just me. And I know that the world is so beautiful that I will forget whatever pain I felt with you, or with anyone. I fear I will return, I fear I will look back and feel indebted to return to this place. And you won’t be there waiting.

I feel embarrassed for forgiving you. For giving in too easily. It’s only been a year since you’ve cheated on Vane and hurt all of us, but already I’m willing to forget. I feel like I’m betraying Vane by entertaining the possibility of us being friends again. But we were bestfriends Nikko, and yes I had my share of pseudo bestfriends and real ones but you have always been part of the latter. And you telling me now that you will always be here as you have always been only made it worse, it only highlights the fact that I’ve been a bad friend and left you alone to suffer the consequence of your mistakes. The funny thing is I don’t even know if you felt sorry for what you did, but I’m too blinded by how much I miss having you around.

You have no idea how much I wish I’d wake up and the things that did didn’t happen. You have absolutely no idea how caught up I feel in this mess you started, how much I wanted to get this over with and say yes when you asked if we could talk. But I couldn’t, you see I love Vane, everytime she cries about you I remember why I hated you in the first place. I’m afraid of hurting her. But god Nikko, I really just miss you. It pisses me off that I have to avoid you everytime because we both don’t know how to react around each other. I fucking hate that you chose Chris over Vane, over all of us. And then I remember, you had no choice because we left you before you had the chance to explain. Even if, yes, there is nothing to explain. You see how confused I am?

I don’t know if there’s a point in wishing that things will be ok in the end. But I don’t want to give up.

stay
like the sun behind the clouds
whenever the rain decides to come
behind the darkness
whenever the moon is around

on highschool loves

last night's sleepover slash booze night at Nicole's marked the last highschool bonding for this summer. but i am in no position to complain, after all, i rarely, actually never, went out with any of my college friends and yet i was rarely home. except on wednesdays because i have piano lessons.

last friday night, all 13 of us gathered at Clark's apartment for the next day's trip to Nasugbu. and while we laugh out loud about jokes no one outside our circle would ever understand, i realized that though i do not think of them as much as i should, they would forever remain home to me. i say i am happiest when i'm in LB, the truth is i cannot compare, because i'm happy here too. i know that come June, piles of paperworks and good times with my college friends will make me forget asking how they all are, if they too had been the drunk the night before or if they too had gotten a failing mark in their NASC exam, and the truth is i don't know if it means i love them less. all i know is that in this moment, as i think of how much happiness and serenity i felt as we all sit together, talking as if yesterday was no different from our pancit day at Sonny's, our trip to Majayjay, our winning the cheerdance championship, our open forums, i know that they are closest to my heart. and i start missing them already.

...

what depresses me the most is that i am a firm believer that there is nothing worst in the world than being normal. and i am everything but extraordinary. i have absolutely nothing special to offer. except a helluva sense of humor. and my ability to fit in and fade away.

the truth is no matter how much i dream, i will get nowhere far.

Beboo Love <3

ANNA'S HOME. whattup? i'm too lazy to talk about everything that happened last wednesday. just that it was fun!
and for someone we haven't seen for 5 years, she sure hasn't changed a lot. except for the accent, which was, well, WHOA! haha!

TGIF lunch.
coffee at Starbucks.
Hookah at Bed (space?)
And off to Binan for a sleepover.
that's our first day together. and we'll be seeing lots of each other after :)

Mark and Kit

i was supposed to post the pictures from Friday Night's Sleepover with Jear and Nic. but yesterday right after they left i started having dysmenorea, so i fell right asleep and woke up at about 4, just in time for picking up our new dog, a Labrador Retriever, in C5. he's so adorable, he's just 2 months old so he's not that big yet, and he's color yellow. we had a family discussion about his name the other day, but when we bought him he was already named. Loveable Kit of Arcel, how cool is that? that's what it says on his papers, his call name's Kit, so our endless debate on whether to call him ziggy, or kido, or the million other names we all suggested is for nothing. Kit sounds okay though. wachu think?

anyway, I had the weirdest idea that Mark and I would be good together. I know right, where that came from, I have no idea. i laughed it off a couple of times, it keeps coming back. what, why? Hahaha! I haven't been with him all summer. nor have i exchanged texts with him or whatever. i don't know. he just keeps penetrating into my thoughts. stupid stupid overthinking.

another anyway, Imma go play with the puppy now. bye.

on killers and rockers

i seriously have to stop googling everything. chanced upon a Jeffrey Dahmer joke on tumblr and because i don't know who the guy is, i googled him. turns out he's a serial killer! ANG PSYCHO LANG EH! this is like charles manson all over again. i don't know, it creeps me out but it interests me enough to read too much about it.

anyway, on a lighter note. i saw George Harrison's son on the news last night. oh me oh my, they look so alike! and i have to say, even if George's not as famous as the other three, he has always been my favorite beatle. Because Starkey's a poser, haha! And how can i not love the man who wrote While My Guitar Gently Weeps and Something.


but now i love his son. he modeled for a magazine, i don't know what magazine though. and he was running (in a chanel pa i think) and the header says "here comes the son" hahaha! wala lang, i just found the play of words funny, and he plays too! His name's Dhanni by the way.

River Flows In You

just came home from Piano lessons. Ms. Botiquin, my piano teacher who took me in again after forgetting about her for 5 long years, played It Was In The Summertime today which was appropriate and felt right with the heat and the noisy fan which wasn't at all that helpful. kept saying "naging kilala ako" because of Buling Buling sa Pandacan. i had to stop myself from snorting. but ofcourse, she is talented. perhaps even pretty in her youth. now she's old and perhaps a bit senile, I sighed with relief when she almost mentioned Lady Gaga but didn't, because she kept bringing her up in past meetings. but don't get me wrong, i love her. i started playing with her from age 9, i think. i can say, we go back. we're like hommies, yknow. haha!

tried to play River Flows In You, which was a bummer because i suck. things would've been different if only i didn't stop, at 13 i was already playing Fur Elise and now im starting from the beginning, well, sort of. sheesh, but at least im playing again. oh well, my goal is to be able to play that or Eyes On You before the summer ends. my fingers are so tightly crossed i don't think i'd be able to play the piano again.

caught in a middle

BESTFRIEND LOVE.

can't wait to have them over for our yearly sleepover. we'll see each other tomorrow, i think. it's a good thing Shoji came back home, made all of us want to see each other tons. but we're meeting up so much that i'm forgetting the reason behind not having summer classes. THESIS, sounds familiar? demmet. i'm so lazy. atleast i'm productive, piano and cooking lessons, whattup!

but i might not graduate on time. one mad idea, that's all i need for this thesis to work. and maybe, a little time and discipline.

SASASASUMMER

SUMMER SUMMER SUMMER!

This summer is by far the most promising. much much thankful to Shoji and Anna who decided they're getting far too missed. Well actually, Shoji's leaving tomorrow and Anna will be arriving on the 21st. yeah, i know, di manlang nagpangabot.

Summer is Love, it will forever be! too bad i'm single. hahaha! actually, i don't mind. been spending too much time with Nicole and there's no better way to spend Summer! everything's so perfect, sana hindi ma-jinx. haha!

SUMMER IS LALALALOVE

beachin with our boys

it was my 18th birthday the last time i saw Shoji, so when he came home last March30 i couldn't wait to see him. but ofcourse i couldn't (no thanks to exams i wouldn't pass anyway). so we really only got together last monday, on a much awaited trip to nasugbu. i realized that no matter how many times i find an excuse to skip dinner or booze nights with them, i will always go back and realize that they're the best thing that ever happened to me! walang tatalo sa highschool friends.so while my parents were probably worrying that im ssomewhere far with 11 boys, haha, i couldn't possibly be safer. we can't even walk far without having one of them guarding our backs. forgive us for enjoying being donyas for two days, sitting pretty at our beach chairs while the boys cook, clean and take care of us. it's not so long ago that we're the ones expected to take care of them. and as we gathered round the table that doubles as bonfire with all the cigarettes lit that night we girls all sighed at how our little boys are growing up. well except for Allen, who was badly burnt thanks to his endless antics, his ugly ugly sand castle and his asking for feet like a silly marian rivera on the seashore. we used to worry so much about them, but i guess there's no need to now. Shoji's so mature. nakakagulat na nga sobra how Japan and working changed him. actually nakakagulat how we all changed. how we all went from boys and girls running around the elem building to the medyo mature mabisyo people we/they are now. haha! nakakamiss how it was all simple then and yet i couldn't help but smile at how far we've all gone, together.

we'll be back to our normal busy selves come June, and i don't want to return to reality. Nic and i can't stop talking about how sad we are that it's over. that we have to wait another year. the last 2 days were so perfect, and bitin ofcourse. next year daw, we'll do it again for four days. and i seriously can't wait. the promise of sand, sunsets andBESTFRIENDS makes me feel all warm inside. I love love love them. to the moon and back.

devianting

surprise surprise from a sporadic blogger.
i've finally decided to upload something in my DA. i wish i know how to edit though, they look pretty shitty when scanned. plus, i feel primitive because im stuck on pen and paper. haha! anyway, here's my bonggang bonggang deviant. and here's a little peek :


i made this for ate rio, my sis from Pantas. it's a tribute thing because she's already graduating. like half the org!!! it's pretty sad. i'll miss them all so much, if only i could pay their profs hahaha joke lang. but honestly, goodbye sucks no?

we eventually lose our friends.

i'd like to think its not supposed to be that way, but it happens. i'm not sure i will ever be able to accept it. but i realize that slowly, its now happening to me.

of murakami love

i've been listening to Miserable at Best for a million times since i got here at Boston Cafe. and if the world wasn't so high-tech and i still used a cd, i would have worn it out. but it's the perfect song to go along with Toru Watanabe's love for Naoko's twisted self. i can't help but get carried away. and it's not really okay to laugh and feel all teary-eyed while gel's busy with her papers and with no one to smile with! i deserve a space in Naoko and Reiko's asylum that doubles as a resort!

i love it here, Gel says, here you feel so far away from Elbi when in fact right when you look outside you'll see Botica Castro and Minute Burger, complete with smoke effects of jeepneys.

it is so relaxing here, i haven't felt so rested. especially thanks to the party i had last sunday, although i have to say that my mom is the one who's most tired of all the cooking and cleaning and entertaining. (Thank you ma!) Boston Cafe relaxes me, or it must be Haruki Murakami. Norwegian Wood is killing me and i feel like Naoko, the way she makes everything complicated, it doesn't help that she loves The Beatles' Norwegian Wood too! But i have to say, it is kinda weird that i can put it down and resume reading after a day or two. Haruki Murakami is and will always be the shit! forget that some of his works are quite the disappointment. he's won my heart again this time. And if by some warped turn of fate i meet him and he decides to marry me (bah!) i would, behind a heartbeat, if only i don't think of him making me mad like he does with his characters!

So if you want to take those feelings and smash somebody with them, Smash me.
-Toru Watanabe (Norwegian Wood)

feb18

i feel cruel for giving promises i know i won't be able to keep. i feel unappreciative for being given something i wished for and not wanting it because i can't be given the one thing i really want. i feel tired of not having a relevant thing to say other than my pains that no one really cares about. i feel alone, and it's so unfair because people try to come in and i keep myself tightly shut. i feel vulnerable to anything. i feel like a shallow, insecure, morose bitch. just because i've never felt this ugly as when i have to stand beside her, as when i have to talk to her and realize just how perfect she is.

i want to drown every bit of insecurity i have with all the feelings i have for you. then i'll be relieved of all my pains. sometimes i can't help but wonder if things would've been different if i was even just slightly good enough for you. but i know i've already lost the battle before i even step into the field. i know i won't even be able to run the race to vie for your heart because i know anyone can win except me. and it makes me feel so insecure. and i try really hard, i do. but you just can't see past everything you've known. no matter how i change, no matter how i try to be different, you will always always see past it and see the old me. the same way i see the old you.

i wish i could've gone back halfway through the race so i could still have a little part of me left, so i could start anew. but i've nothing more left here. just this sick sick tune i can't stop singing.

valentines drama

i can't stick around for nothing.
i can't wait forever.
i can't be alone always.
i can't be whole for you.
i can't cry for you.
and i can't give you everything.

things i can't do for the things i've already done. i can't give anything i haven't given before. there's nothing more left of me except this wretched me, and i can't expect you to stay but i do. because i expect too much, too much from you. leave me if you can't help but let this happen again. let me wait all night, let me feel so sorry for myself. chase said i shouldn't expect too much from you because i'll only get disappointed it's funny how i take advices from him now. but alone today, i had noone to talk to. and sure the tears took me by surprise as i swore i will never cry, but i didn't cry for you, i did for myself. i needed it.

black and white

the truth is the things i regret i would've done over and over again if given the chance. these are the times i spent with you. my own hell that i invite myself to. just so i could burn in the heat of your drunken embrace, just so i could feel a little warmth of something you wouldn't give out in the sun. amidst strangers and friends carried away by the heat and darkness, i can pretend we're alone. you are different. in the darkness, behind the fog and smoke, you are different. and if i have to stay out of the light forever, i would. if it means i would have another chance of a pseudo happiness, to cover up the truth that i would only remain happy until tomorrow. and i would again regret it the next day. and then do it again if i have another chance.

i know i don't make much sense. but last night you said i am to you what he is to her. a bestfriend. and yet, it's the sweetest thing i've ever been told. only because it came from you.

tomorrow i'll be back to black and white. being grey is not that fun i realized. but one day i will be grey again for you. just so we could share another dance.

for once it's not for you

i think my heart is as fragile as a balloon now, one more pain and it'll pop. and there is only one constant prayer in my lonely nights before i surrender to sleep and that is that he'll turn it into a stone.

i need something permanent. i deserve that. i don't need someone to stay only when he wants to. but i don't want to ask you to stay around, i know i'm not that easy to understand. i know it will be too much to ask, i know i've given away my heart and the only thing left is a finger, nothing compared to the fist-sized beating machine. so how about i say i give you something to hold on to, would you promise to never let go.

i promise i would try. would you promise you would too?

on breakups

just because you're not answering any of my messages and because i won't be able to see you until this weekend if ever you do come home from work.

it'll be fine. you don't know how much i wish you didn't have to experience this to learn. but since it's happening, i do hope you learn from it. i hope you'd grow from it. and i wish you'd recover. maybe it's the time to finally do those things you talked to me about, things you planned to do 'if ever' you two are not together. you always knew you were destined for something better. but i know you love ate apple, planned your life together with her, and i know it sucks, but you'll get over it if you want to. when you find it hard to go on, you know that despite our differences i will always, always, be here for you. i love you, and i love ate apple too, we all do. but you're still blood and it's thicker than any ties with other people, we will always be on your side. and if only we could protect you from all the pain your experiencing now, we would. be strong kuya. i hate to imagine you weak and sad. i hate you most of the time, you know that, but i will hate you more if you sulk about it. especially if you do it without me.

i do wish you'd answer my messages though, i wish we could talk. you always come to me when things like this happens, and it sucks to not hear it from you. i love love love you kuya. be strong.

losing my bestfriend

came from the PI field trip. and i know you're supposed to learn all these Rizal stuff. but in the end of the day, the only thing i learned and realized is how much i miss Nikko. It's unbearable we're together the whole day and we haven't said a word to each other. we really were close then. Denise said that if i wanted to make up with him i could've done it a long time ago because really the only person who could make it happen is myself. actually, that's not entirely true, vecause all i was waiting for was an apology. but i guess i'm just partly to blame, i'm a little embarassed because i know i said some bad things. and i know then that whenever i feel as if i did something cruel, he would remind me that he's nikko and that he would never judge me and that he will always understand. but i didn't understand him, i didn't even try and i just know i never will. but i atleast want us to be friends again. when this issue exploded, i didn't go to class for two weeks because i didn't want to see him, not because i was mad, more because i was in pain. because i, too, was his biggest fan. i listened to all his stories, believed everything he said, and in return i told him everything. serious things we never talked about seriously, things we manage to talk about in between doodling and playing Stupid. that's why it hurt when i found out he told gel and not me, but i also realized that if i knew i never would have forgiven him, which is a lie, i know, but i could've hated him sooner which is worse than now.

i miss nikko. i miss how he's such a good friend to me, and i'm sorry i didn't hear his side or atleast try to save the friendship. i wish i could've done things differently. the truth is sometimes i even wish i never found out, i know i could've lived without knowing. i sometimes wish he is still the nikko i thought he was. but it's all done, and i know the only possible thing is wishing that we return to being friends again.

fredster

this is fir denise and ehm. okay mostly for me too :)

he's gwapo and hot all right. thanks to wildchild which i enjoyed by the way i now have a schoolgirl crush on fredster!

nothing lasts forever

i asked Nicole to do me a favor and stop me when the time comes that i actually want to get married. she's probably laughing about it now. but I'm serious. the white fluffy gowns and fancy ten-storey cake is the biggest cover-up of the biggest crime in the world. giving yourself to someone you think you know, only to spend/waste half your life with your 'partner' and realize you can't live with each other. really, nobody stays together anymore. if they do it's all because of the kids, and do they actually think the fighting and hurting doesn't affect the kids at all. it's so sick! i can't believe i actually had a dream wedding, i can't believe I've fantasized about dropping the kids to school and all that family stuff. SPARE ME!

I've written so much about it, but in the end, i still don't understand it. Love is shit. I don't want to believe in it anymore. I'd like to say i don't believe in it at all but then again i would have to take it back someday. and i don't want to have to. I HATE THIS!

just today i did a good thing. especially for someone lazy like me. and it's not like i expect to be treated so nicely about it. i mean, he did say thank you, almost a whisper, almost incomprehensible. and the funny thing is (but who's laughing) if i could go back and have another choice, i'd do it again! how crazy am i?

lover's cross

i love Jim Croce. never mind that they (Denise, Ehm... everyone) laugh at me whenever i sing time in a bottle in the videoke. i just love him.
i have a new favorite Jim Croce song, it's Lover's Cross. listen to it, it's good.. don't watch the youtube video though. trust me. unless you're a big super mario fan. hahaha! or watch it and you'll know why.

my dad is watching his dvd now.. i don't mind seeing him sing, i just prefer not to. so while i listen to him, i do this.

lolo

i planned to write about my grandfather's death last december 30. but, it's not really something i'm comfortable with. so let's just leave it at that.

do pray for his soul though.

series madness

i started season 2 of Gossip Girl yesterday.
and i finished season 3 of How I Met Your Mother today.
how cool is that?

mashed potato and flunking cognitive psych

i saw two people wearing stabilo orange pants today, in the words of Marvin Gaye, WHAT"S GOING ON?
is neon the new fad, i hope not.

but that is not the reason behind this blog entry. the reason is that i have a feeling that i might flunk psy148. which is just sad. pathetic. not to mention embarrassing. psychology is supposed to be interesting. any subject that does not involve solving math problems are labeled PASSABLE to me. but no, not this one, and take note it's not because it's hard it's because the prof (whose name i don't even know) makes it hard. she is nice though, but she can be nicer.

anyway, last night was perfect. Chase, Denise and I went grocery shopping. we cooked mashed potato, well actually Chase cooked mashed potato, Denise and i helped. and we had mashed potato, corn and carrots for dinner. after that we (Ehm, Gel, Mark, Denise, Chase) wiid (which is the verb for playing wii. durrr) and headed to the rooftop and sang disney songs. then i studied for the exam which i probably failed earlier today.

well that's it actually.

dur.

i've got lots of stories about the lack of it. but i've got no time except to say that i can live without certain things for a week, but i can't seem to survive without chuvaness.

i've got to live my other life too,you know.