hello

wala na'kong balak mag-english kahit kailan. joke. nakakadepress na talaga ang eng102. andami ko ng post na di tinutuloy dahil baka mali ang grammar. sheeeet! ayoko ng magsulat talaga.

anong kinalaman ng litrato sa post na to? wala. gusto ko lang ipagmalaki ang pagkakaedit. haha! at hindi ko isheshare ang secret ko, at hindi yun photoshop dahil hindi ako marunong.

ang boring ng buhay ko. grabe. wala man lang ako maikwento. maliban sa oo, ang ganda ng twilight. at hindi ako twilight fan, okay fine kinilig ako sa libro pero ang pinakaayoko talaga eh kapag ginagawang movie. pumapangit kasi. well, syempre mas maganda pa rin yung book. still hindi panget yung movie. ang ganda ni bella :)

so yun. wala na. wala na kong masabi. gumawa nga pala ko ng xanga. panglimang blog ko na ata yun?? so syempre hindi yun magiging active dahil loyal ako sa blogger ko. at sumubok akong ipersonalize ang theme, but no! loser ko talaga eh. ang hirap kaya.

so eto seryoso na. wala na'kong masabi.

CHRISTMAS GIFTS

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MA :)

i would receive sure gifts this christmas.

an esprit watch from the parents :)

an ipod (the yellow one) also from the parents

wind up bird chronicle from auntie irene

and House of Spirits from Fr. Arnold

OK na yun. syempre gusto ko pa rin ng crocs na ipinapangako ni kuya. pero kung di mabigay, ok lang. solved na ko dito. haha! :)

I LOVE CHRISTMAS :))

...

so first there's jordi labanda, then craig thompson and andrea joseph, now there's sarah gaugler. the only filipino in my list. well sorta, i think she's only half-filipina. what does it mean anyway? half-filipina? whole human, half something. weird. so anyway, i discovered her thanks to my brother's moonlane gardens album (which i by the way LOOOOVE) and i spent an entire day that day googling her. because of her i wantaa tattoooo. ofcourse i did consider that my dad would kill me, so i easily sent that dream with the wind. she did some drawings for the new starbucks planner, which i won't get. i'll be satisfied checking out chase's. planners are a complete waste in my locker space, because i forget. the last starbucks planner i have is filled with drawings on the first few months, and then i forgot i even own one.

so anyway, i got a 7 in my spelling today, which is decent compared to the 3 i got last meeting. yes, embarassing. well, embarassing for everyone in that class since we're all commarts students, in UP for christsake. and i got 38 in the quiz. nakakatanga grabe. i remember complaining because we had effing subject-verb agreement for four years in highschool, and guess what? here i am in college, and i still suck.

so the greatest dillema of all is whether i will write my thesis in filipino or english. i got i.5 for both fil20 and fil21, under Sir Dumlao. i got 2.75 in eng1. problem solved?? well, actually the biggest problem is WHAT i will write. i'm clueless. i am studying magical realism since i don't think it will be discussed in any of my subjects this semester. it's funny how ideas often come to me in mass, and fortunately my mom doesn't get mad when i start asking for paper and pen in the middle of homily. haha

si tisa tumatagalog

may dalawang oras yata akong nakatitig sa dingding ng Big Dad's at kung hindi lang imposible, nakabisado ko na yata lahat ng nakasulat sa freedom wall nila. kahit minsan sumasakit na yung mata ko, sa kakatitig sa dingding o sa usok ng LB square at sa mga luhang kung pwede lang isuka ay bolimik na ko, nakatitig pa rin ako, at andun pa rin ako sa mausok, mabango at maingay na lugar na yon. ang nakakapagtaka at ang nakakatawa, kahit saan ko pa ibato ang tingin ko balik pa rin ng balik dun sa malalaking letrang FS, green at yellow ang kulay. lahat na ng posibleng ibig sabihin nun naisip ko na, friendster? for sure? feeling sick? forgetting sarah (galing sa forgetting sarah marshall)? fat slim? faster slower? falling stones? ferri swheel? joke lang. naisip ko na ata lahat saka ko nalang naisip na baka pangalan yun.

kung hinayaan ko, mapapanaginipan ko siguro yung lalaking nakanta dun. maganda ang boses at mukang mabait. sana nakaligtas ako sa isa nanamang gabi ng walang katapusang panaginip na di ko maala-alala pag dating ng umaga. pero hanggang dun lang sya, sa stage ng Big Dads hawak ang gitara nya habang nakanta ng mga malulungkot na kanta na para bang nanadya. hindi dahil sa ibang dahilan, kundi dahil hindi sya nakakalagpas sa tingin. hanggang dun lang parati. yun lang ang kaya kong ibigay.

hindi ako madrama. matagal-tagal na ng huli akong bumanat ng mga judith mcnaught na mga linya, pero ng nilulunod ng boses nya ang ingay ng halkhakan at iyakan dun sa sinumpang lugar na yun, nalungkot ako. sabi ni sarah, phase daw yun, yung lahat ng bagay tinatawanan, lahat nginingitian, tas paguwi nagmimistulang bahay ampunan ng luha ang unan. yung bang pag gising mo feeling mo natulog ka ng basa ang buhok. nakakatawa pero hindi ako tumawa. tapos na siguro ako sa phase na yun. siguro kahit wala akong boyfriend o kung ano man, may karapatan din akong maging malungkot. matagal na ring tuyo ang hinihigaan ko.

bago umalis sinulat ko yung pangalan ko sa isang lugar dun sa Big Dads. hindi ko alam kung bakit, papansin lang siguro. gusto ko bago ako umalis ulit, masulatan ko kahit isang maliit na bahagi dyan sa utak mo. kahit saan mo man piliting tumingin gusto kong bumalik balik ang mata mo sa isang malaking T, kulay pula. gusto kong wag mong kalimutan, gusto kong lumagpas sa tingin mo at sumama sa kung saan ka man dinadala ng kaluluwa mo tuwing nakanganga ka't dilat, mahimbing at nananaginip.

nagiisa kang lalaking dinadala ko sa kin. hindi ko man maalala ang panaginip, alam ko. dahil malungkot tuwing paggising.

hello hell again

haven't talked to anyone about it for a long time. it just didn't make sense, and people are getting tired with the story anyway, i know i'm tired. and i also figured it would stop hurting, or that IT would simply stop if i stop writing and talking about it. which is why my tears took me by surprise when i talked to Gel.

i'm okay. it's not just something i tell people when i try to avoid the conversation that is already way overdue. i really am okay. most of the time. i'm not over it, i'm far from moving on, but i've learned the best way to cope with pain, and it's to live with it. so for the past gazillion months, that's what i've been doing. lying to myself and living with it. and it isn't so bad as it sounds, really.

there are so many things to worry and be sad about that THIS didn't seem worthy of my time. for one thing, i lost nikko, i'd like to think he lost us but he doesn't seem concerned. i am anyway, sad and still shocked. but here i am, crying over Jin and PJ's semi-breakup. just because i would rather i had been lied to and be wooed and told the things Jin was told, than to live this boring pathetic life. ofcourse also because i was sad for Jin, but that's another story.

well i figureed it's the time of the year. and maybe the Ber-wind do bring something else than the smell of damp grass and the sound of Jingle Bells. maybe. maybe because it reminds me that this is what, the third christmas already, that i have been wishing for the same thing.

i can't wait to graduate!!!

on notebooks. haha

went to alabang yesterday, supposedly to buy myself a cute notebook. i didn't find any, because still the cutest notebooks can only be found in fullybooked, even the ones in powerbooks look shitty compared to it. ofcourse im a little bias, because jordi labanda notebooks are sold there :))

so anyway, because it's depressing to go home empty handed i bought a small black notebook, that looks a lot like moleskine, except cheaper. yey!

so, another anyway, yesterday i hung out longer at the arts section than in the fictions area. that's both weird and scary. my mom was checking out some of my drawings a couple of days ago, and she said "baka dyan ka sumikat" after she said that, i went straight to my room and started reading. it's scary, me devoting more of my time in my sketching than in writing or reading.

the trip to CSB the other day made me realize i really want to pursue arts. but my first love would always always be writing. it's just new to me, i never wanted anything else but to write before. and now, i want to draw too..

hello few chosen friends who can read this blog. this is my christmas book list, if you want to get me a book this christmas do choose from The List:

• Chuck Palahniuk's Lullaby
• Philippa Gregory's Constant Princess
• Any Haruki Murakami book (except Kafka on the Shore and After DArk which i already have)
• Ernest Hemmingway's A Moveable Feast
• Isabel Allende's House of Spirits
• Joanne Harris' Chocolat

that's it for now. although i think i will be buying Chocolat next week, or maybe Lollipop Shoes if i resist buying another Haruki Murakami book. i don't know what it is with this japanese guy, his works confuse me to the core and yet, and yet i love him. i enjoyed After Dark even if i don't think i understood it. haha!

hello

kuya paolo promised me his macbook pag bumalik daw sa 135 yung weight nya. told him it's pretty impossible. and then mama chimed in, that it is in the impossible that God makes a miracle. haha! my brother is also selling me his macbook, for 40k. that's 20k cheaper than the original price, but still i don't want a secondhand mac, unless he gives it to me for free. which is impossible, unless a miracle happens and he loses a million pounds.

anyway, had fun fun fun at the cemetery last night even though sobrang daming tao. i always enjoy the company of my cousins, plus i missed all of them so much :)

so far, i'm done with Memories of my Melancholy Whores, and After Dark. i'm off to One Hundred Years of Solitude.