Friday, August 31, 2007

icebag baby

icebag week. watched the last day show this sem.
the thing with icebag is that it's fun, i couldn't stop laughing while i watch but i never go home happy. the walk home is always spent in silence.

Ma'am Layeta Bucoy is a goddess, icebags are always the plays to watch if you want quotable quotes and scenes that stay. "galit ako sa aking mga labi, dahil mahina sila" galing, dba? it's like milan kundera, only in tagalog. along the play i couldn't help looking at ehm, who's sitting beside me and say, "galing ni ma'am Lallie"

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

nonsensical stuffs

i want to dance. i want to sing. i want to strip into a bikini and feel the hot puerto sand under my skin. i want heat and i want to go so bad. ofcourse it is possible, i've got a very small problem though. my parents won't let me. who would blame them? boys, beach and beer, now that's a bad combination, a formula for an unwanted future. hahaha. but i'm a good girl, really, i just want to go for the sun and, well, the sand. that's not too bad. a little fun won't do a good girl bad, right? and everybody's going. except me. i should've gotten used to this scenario, but no, i'm still hopeful that they won’t ask questions, just nod their heads and open their wallets. oh joy. wishful thinking.

enough of puerto talk. i gave up my tickets for the atROCKtion concert because i'm trying to save up some of my allowance. so goodbye parokya and all you other bands. ima stay home and do my report like a good student should.

oh but i'm not a good student. a few hours ago i was talking with kuya rey, and well he's still running (more like brisk walking he said) for laude. and i'm gliding my way to dismissal. hahaha!! anyway, why can't i work harder? i can do better than a 1.9 gwa. i could run for laude too, if i atleast pay more attention to my studies than to my sleeping. But I can never seem to have the motivation to study. oh but anyway way, kuya rey got this 'ur halimaw' look when i told him i got 1.75 in HUM1 under ma'am Layeta Bucoy. i try not to show it, but i guess that sorta pulls my self esteem up. because like Chui said, Bucoy's the shit. she's the goddess of literature. oh and how i cried as i finished her take home exam because i was so afraid of insulting her intelligence by coming up with a mediocre crap. but i passed, and i did so much more than pass, i got a 1.75 and apparently for Bucoy, i must be a little good enough. maybe i could be a palanca awardee too. haha!! pushing my luck a bit here. But really, it means a lot to find out that not many gets a high grade from bucoy. Someone from batch 05 got 1.25, now that’s amazing. She’s in a goddess training for all I know. I’m jealous. Argh.

read Nikko's eulogy. almost cried. he's a good writer, well, better than me. haha. i have a knack for flushing my self-esteem down the drain, but he really is better.

anyway. gotta go, got a meeting with my SOC130 classmates about our report tomorrow. and ima drag my feet to vega because i don't want to go. there's nothing else i'd rather do than to stay home and write. oh yeah, manuod ng atROCKtion. ah, why is everything so depressing. i don't get what i'm saying dammit. got to go.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

of palanca awards and jealousy

so minutes after posting today's blog entry, i'm writing again. all because i'm all crimson with jealousy. i'm googling palanca awardees, searching for short stories and poetries.

dean alfar's the shit, though i really don't know if he won again this year just that he won the grand prize and other 9 palanca awards from the past years. dammit. i'm just sooo, well, jealous. i'm going to try, one of these days, when i'm good enough. i promise myself that i will try. and if i fail, i won't do a 'tisa' and sulk, i will try again. because i want to write and i want to prove to myself that i can be good at it. i'm going to be like dean alfar, and i'm going to marry my own nikki. ok that doesn't make sense. i want to write!!!

following my breadcrumbs before the birds start chowing

i was reminded of hans christian andersen's tinderbox, where the tree was being guarded by two dogs with eyes the size of cups. saan pa? sa thea 107 class. hahaha. okaaay?!

i'm wallowing in sadness a little bit longer, drowning myself with ideas of things to write about, because this'll be the last time i'll write about you. (weh?) everyone was giving me this confused look whenever i justify the things i do with 'i'm following my breadcrumbs' line. but i am. simply because someone was blunt enough to painfully thrust the words into my heart. (how corny that sounded.) because everyone else was telling me to hold on, to wait a little longer and someone told me to just get it over with, to get out of this hole i'm stuck in because i don't deserve it. i guess it really means a lot when someone tells me that i don't deserve this mess i'm in, i kinda feel like i'm worth something. i don't expect my breadcrumbs to lead me somewhere happy, but atleast to some place better than this, some place where things are a little less painful. it doesn't help that i'm a masochist, i love pain, i love writing about it. infact i feel as if i've mastered the art of melancholy, that's why i tolerate pain and awkward silences that means a million hurtful words, because sadness is the most beautiful thing i could ever write about. because tears are inks and broken hearts are clean slates awaiting another sad, poetic entry.

i'm giving it all away now. i'm going to be one hell of a writer, sinking in buckets of tears or not. i'm going to write about misty morning walks and stoplight conversations. exchange of i love yous with my favorite beatles song on the background. happy stuffs.

and all because i have this one really good friend. thank you. i've said it a million times just now, but what the heck i really am that thankful.

Sunday, August 5, 2007

balikbayans and twister fries

this is me. or maybe it's more appropriate to say that this is what i have become. i don't hate it, doesn't mean i don't like it either. i'm more focused on being happy now, i don't get it, really, when they say that happiness is a choice. i just don't quite understand, do you wake up in the morning and tell yourself that you're going to be happy, and everything goes your way? things just don't work out like that. it's not always all in the mind. sometimes, it's in the heart too and that's what makes it more complicated.

anyway, it's twister fries season. fun and fat in the same sentence, now that just aint right!

cousins went home from the states last week. get to hang out with little nieces, Jaymie and Nicole. Cousin Marissa got married last saturday at St. James in Ayala Alabang, reception was at Vivere. guess how much weight i gained. (i loathe being just like everybody else, conscious about how fat im getting.) went swimming at pansol today.

i'm seriously dying to meet my nephew, Nathan and niece, Danica. ofcourse March will be a special month for me, because i will turn 18. but Nathan being home, my brother being home, it's just, sooo perfect. i miss them all so much.

ces is home from ohio too. and we had a reunion last week. we had one too last night but i was at the wedding. family comes first. anyway, got nothing else to say. now that's first.