Thursday, August 27, 2009

Because my article is finally done.

I realize that all day long I listen to your stories, to your endless theories, even to your worries if your chickens have food in country story. And then I talk about worrying about my article and halfway I stop and ask if you’re listening and realize you’re not. I realize whenever I tell you something I have to always check whether you're listening, because most of the time you're not. Sometimes you tell me you feel unappreciated, and I try hard not to be so self-absorbed like all Leos and never tell you, but I do too. At least the men you love at some point loved you back. I never had the same fate. I mean I only really loved two, just a quarter compared to you. With Chase, although i have nothing bad to say about him except having hurt me so much in the past, I am without good words to say about it too. Not once have I felt needed, or my presence appreciated. The same goes with Mark, who will continue to live despite my existence, or inexistence. I also realize I shouldn't complain, after all thanks to you I sometimes feel fine with the fact that I am alone. Because I feel we're in it together. I don't feel the need for a boyfriend whenever you surprise me with mashed potatoes and BLT whenever I'm lonely, or with hokaido dome (our favorite) whenever you promise you'd come to LB early and didn't, or when we sing El Scorcho out loud. It's just today I feel you don't listen to me enough. And I know I have a tendency to talk way too much, but still. I mean I already feel I don't have enough friends who care enough. I shouldn't feel this way about you. You are my best friend, after all.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

just when I thought there's nothing more to give.
i chose you and discovered the million things I haven't given him yet.

Monday, August 10, 2009

you are mine, forever to keep

some people measure their pains by the seasons that passed.
i measure mine by the years.

some people forget when they stop talking about it.
some people forget when they talk about it a lot.
i don't forget. simple as that.

some people recover as fast as they had fallen.
i keep on falling.

some people bounce back as if nothing happened.
i never hit the ground.

some people move on to another when the time requires change.
i never move on.

some people stop when they tell themselves to.
i cheat myself by dreaming.

some people capture your heart.
i will never so much take hold of your hand.

some people pass by and you would never chase them back.
i will run, come morning i will be by your side again.

some people, they never mattered to you.
i am different, i am your friend.

some people they will never understand. they never try.
you always did.

some people, they never measured to my expectations.
you also never did. so i pulled them back so you would.

some people, they try to penetrate my world.
i have built mine around you.

some people will get tired of my complicated life.
i pray you never do.

some people love me.
but i love you.


I think I know.

I have one too many reasons to stop being black and white but I can't help it. It's just the way I am. I know they find it funny, an anecdote while drinking even, how I've only had two suitors and I didn't even say yes to one of them. I'm not easy. I'm not saying they are, It's just I need time. I take too much time actually.

I'm too complicated, I don't even understand myself. I wish I'm more complicated though. I don't know what I want. I want to be found. To have something big. to be a Nana and have Ren. or be Nana and have Nana. i don't know!!!!

Maybe I don't want to be found, maybe not as much as finding thrills me.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

if this is a choice like gel says it is, then i choose to wake up tomorrow devoid of any hurt or feelings for you. i choose to be happy.

and tomorrow, I will be.

Monday, August 3, 2009

logged out of blogger and decided to download mangas from vnmanga when i found out the site's already closed. WTF

Zero = Love

Watching : Vampire Knight (anime)

the problem with me is I read too much. so there, I already know the ending and I've lost the desire to watch more since i will not get the ending I want. and since I know everything that will happen. Zero over Kaname in whatever dimension. Zero and Yuuki forever. okay, sorry, I sound like a fan just now.

reminds me that I miss: Nana, Goong and Paradise Kiss

read all three mangas. am not a big anime fan. so I choose what i watch depending on the drawing. and I'm a big Ai Yazawa fan, so there. my ged, Nana. The most painful anime there is. read the manga and cried like a baby in front of the computer. Nana is too much for me. Not in a bad way though, it's just, so real to me. the pain is so incredibly real. Watched only up to the 9th episode because it's a long series, I don't even think it's done now. Paradise Kiss is a short one, so I read the manga and watched the anime which lasted for only 4 hours I think. Goong is the manga version of Princess Hours. mas nakakakilig than the live version. believe me.

so there. I'll end this before I rant about mangas.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

On s’en va sans savoir

been listening to La Meme Histoire all night. well actually all morning too, since 11 last night til what, 6 am? hahaha! i don't know what to feel listening to it. I guess it brings back the feeling I had when i watched one of the short films from Paris, Je T'aime. The one about a man who was waiting for his wife at a restaurant. all the while, thinking about things he hates about her. how she wears her favorite red jacket all the time, and promises she'd throw it away but never does. how she sings only one song over and over again while she cooks. how he always seem to order the better food when they're eating out because she always seem to like his better than what she ordered. and so now in the restaurant, he's waiting for her so he could tell her he's leaving her for a younger, sexier woman. so she arrives, in her favorite red jacket, and sits opposite him. they stare at each other for a while, she was smiling. and then all of a sudden, she starts to cry. and the man was thinking, could she have found out about the younger, sexier woman? and then out of her bag she pulls out this white paper, and he reads it and finds out she's sick and has only a little while to live. he embraced her, and decided not to leave her. he started doing things for her, taking long walks with her, reading a book to her. He listens to her sing while she cooks, and would hug her from behind resting his chin on her shoulder. he said by acting like a man inlove, he fell inlove again. but the wife died, and since then everytime he sees anyone in a red jacket he feels an intense loneliness.

i don't know how long that film was, a little more than 5 minutes I guess, but it made me so incredibly sad. made me cry, actually. even if I was watching it with Franco and Karize. there were no dialogues, just the man narrating everything. talking of how he feels, of what is happening, so most of the time there's just silence. my ged, parisians are so irritatingly romantic. i don't get kilig over old people, and this one is about a couple in their late 40s or early 50s maybe but it was so beautifully done. I can't wait for Karize to get back in LB so I can get my copy. I want to watch it before the New York, I Love You movie comes out (this August, I think).

so anyway, Feist is tired of singing La Meme Histoire in my itunes, but I'm still not over with the song. I feel both light and sad listening to it. It's not always that I feel this certain, I don't know, peace.