Friday, September 18, 2009

I don't know why I even bother. Talo naman ako parati. I shouldn't feel like you're a competition but I can't help it, you're taking away the little things I want, when you already have everything. Naaasar ako, hindi sayo, sa sarili ko. Kasi I've told myself so many times that I won't get affected, but I always do. Because even if no one asks, even if no one cares, I'm fragile too. And right now, I feel broken.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Sometimes I want to ask you if you feel neglected, because I do. When I ask you if you're listening and you tell me "no" you never bother to ask what it was I was talking about. And yet I listen to you still, I have no right to throw it at you because I do not listen out of responsibility but out of love. It's just sometimes I wish you'd listen to me too.

Everyday you tell me about him and all your theories and thoughts about him but not once did you ask me how I'm feeling. Yes, I roll my eyes and play dead but don't I always say I will never tire of your problems even if you've told it to me a million times in the span of a month. You're so sensitive of other people's feelings and yet so insensitive of mine. I guess it's hard to gauge how I feel, seeing that I'm so moody lately. But of all people you should understand, I am so demanding of your attention the same way you are of Chase's. It's because you're all I have. At the end of a very bad day, you're the first person I text, the first person I expect to comfort me and you never failed me with that. Twice have I felt harassed by professors, and on both instances, you were there to pick up the pieces. I hate myself for asking too much, for being so selfish. But I have my reasons, yours is the only attention I demand of, and it's not as simple as because Chase has disappointed me much in the past but because, again, you're all I have. And it's not a matter of having no choice but because being that I have no boyfriend, you are the most special person in my life.

In the end, guilt will haunt me to sleep. You are a good friend after all. And I forgive, because don't I always? But you know memory is the most prominent of all concepts in my life and so because I live by remembering, I never forget. So tomorrow, or later I will be okay, we will be okay. But the next time this happens, I will tread our way home in silence, again. And feel just as bad as I do now.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Slowly eating me.

It just hit me. I have to start reading again.
The last one was Memories of my Melancholy Whores which I finished last summer. Embarrassing for a bookwhore. A series of novels I started reading but never finished, after. Atonement. Timetraveller's Wife. 100 Years of Solitude. What is happening to me?
My list keeps getting longer. And I'm stuck with laziness and my desire to maximize my time left with my housemates. I hafta start reading again.