These situations would more often than not cause Nicole to tell me I’m being all Peyton-y, making a supposedly simple situation very complicated. Ella, would simply take my side. She would tell me I look way prettier, or that I’m smarter and that I’m better than all these. She would bitch on the other girl making me feel all better (sorry na). She’s my cousin, I know, but somehow she always sound sincere. I remember all those Friday nights when I’d come home from elbi, I’d call her instantly and tell her about my exciting college life and she’d listen with gaiety, both scared and thrilled in realizing that she too, will be in college soon. I don’t get to talk to her much anymore, she’s not home til Saturday night and well, my supposedly exciting college life would no longer match hers. And her highschool friends who are mine too are no longer my only rivals, now I have to compete for her time with her college friends too. I get too selosa when it comes to close friends. I guess I really am selfish, there was assurance then when I’d come home broken hearted that she would always be just a phone call away. Now, I have to wait til Saturday.
Christmas is the perfect holiday to hang out with her again. And just right before Christmas we had a text marathon, I was telling her how this years Christmas is just as cold inside as it is outside. Here goes my snowy Christmas story:
As I had so publicly announced on my multiply account, right after last year’s Christmas, I gave santa 11 months to prepare for my wish. And I was a good girl this year, okay fine, a little less naughtY. But amusingly stupid to believe a year (and a few painful months combined) of waiting would eventually pay off with a wrapped love right outside my bedroom door. Last Christmas was so painful I didn’t think it could possibly get worse, then ta-dah, here comes this Christmas. Even more painful because there is fear in realizing that this is actually how I might be for the next ten thousand christmasses, lonely, waiting. Im no longer writing santa another pathetic wish, im praying with all the life left in me for probably the most painful thing there is. “Go for her if that’s what you truly want, I know she likes you too so it won’t be that much of a problem, she’s far and well, we both know what happened with the last one, don’t let the distance get in the way, you deserve to be happy, and all year round I’ll be praying for one thing, for this to work for you.”
If I would be given pain, then give it all already. Im so tired waiting for another painful blow. Im so tired feeling all messed up knowing something could be worse. Im so tired of knowing and remembering over and over again that another year would only promise me one thing: more pain! Yey. So I am being all Peyton-y, so I’m being brooke and haley too, all at the same time. I don’t care. There’s just so much hurt in my heart and I can’t say that I can no longer take it, and I could ask someone, anyone to save me but I know deep down, that I’ll stay anyway. Because this is where I belong, with you. even if you belong with someone else. I don’t care dammit. I’ll watch you two together, I can take your pictures if you want and I could choose your gifts for her as I’d done with all the others. I could do that. I don’t know, with everything I’ve done, i guess there’s nothing I won’t be able to do anymore.
OH, OKAY NA??? I’m letting it all out so that 2008 will be, I don’t know, better. Pablo Neruda said that as love is so short, forgetting is so long and I guess 2 years of love would mean, hmmm, 5 years of forgetting??? Noooo! Hahaha. Im hoping for a better year.
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!