Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Merry Christmas

These situations would more often than not cause Nicole to tell me I’m being all Peyton-y, making a supposedly simple situation very complicated. Ella, would simply take my side. She would tell me I look way prettier, or that I’m smarter and that I’m better than all these. She would bitch on the other girl making me feel all better (sorry na). She’s my cousin, I know, but somehow she always sound sincere. I remember all those Friday nights when I’d come home from elbi, I’d call her instantly and tell her about my exciting college life and she’d listen with gaiety, both scared and thrilled in realizing that she too, will be in college soon. I don’t get to talk to her much anymore, she’s not home til Saturday night and well, my supposedly exciting college life would no longer match hers. And her highschool friends who are mine too are no longer my only rivals, now I have to compete for her time with her college friends too. I get too selosa when it comes to close friends. I guess I really am selfish, there was assurance then when I’d come home broken hearted that she would always be just a phone call away. Now, I have to wait til Saturday.

Christmas is the perfect holiday to hang out with her again. And just right before Christmas we had a text marathon, I was telling her how this years Christmas is just as cold inside as it is outside. Here goes my snowy Christmas story:

As I had so publicly announced on my multiply account, right after last year’s Christmas, I gave santa 11 months to prepare for my wish. And I was a good girl this year, okay fine, a little less naughtY. But amusingly stupid to believe a year (and a few painful months combined) of waiting would eventually pay off with a wrapped love right outside my bedroom door. Last Christmas was so painful I didn’t think it could possibly get worse, then ta-dah, here comes this Christmas. Even more painful because there is fear in realizing that this is actually how I might be for the next ten thousand christmasses, lonely, waiting. Im no longer writing santa another pathetic wish, im praying with all the life left in me for probably the most painful thing there is. “Go for her if that’s what you truly want, I know she likes you too so it won’t be that much of a problem, she’s far and well, we both know what happened with the last one, don’t let the distance get in the way, you deserve to be happy, and all year round I’ll be praying for one thing, for this to work for you.”

If I would be given pain, then give it all already. Im so tired waiting for another painful blow. Im so tired feeling all messed up knowing something could be worse. Im so tired of knowing and remembering over and over again that another year would only promise me one thing: more pain! Yey. So I am being all Peyton-y, so I’m being brooke and haley too, all at the same time. I don’t care. There’s just so much hurt in my heart and I can’t say that I can no longer take it, and I could ask someone, anyone to save me but I know deep down, that I’ll stay anyway. Because this is where I belong, with you. even if you belong with someone else. I don’t care dammit. I’ll watch you two together, I can take your pictures if you want and I could choose your gifts for her as I’d done with all the others. I could do that. I don’t know, with everything I’ve done, i guess there’s nothing I won’t be able to do anymore.

OH, OKAY NA??? I’m letting it all out so that 2008 will be, I don’t know, better. Pablo Neruda said that as love is so short, forgetting is so long and I guess 2 years of love would mean, hmmm, 5 years of forgetting??? Noooo! Hahaha. Im hoping for a better year.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

another moheeecaaaaaah amp day

i've been having a lot of bad days lately. but this is by far the worst. guess why? moheeeecaaaaa!
i'm so pissed off. i'm emotionally and mentally drained. i can't stop bawling. i sooo hate this day.

and it's so selfish, i know, but i've been wanting tj to be home so i can talk to him. gel picked me up from ncas and i come home to ehm, and i talked to them both. i cried to mark and selle too, it's just different when it's tj. i was used to coming home to him on bad days like this one. and i guess i have to accept the fact that im not the center of the world. i can't expect my friends to gather round me and listen to me cry whenever moheeeca is having a bitch fit. but im just not strong enough to face it on my own. i don't understand why someone like me who was raised to be otherwise could have such a faint heart.

i've probably dehydrated myself from crying too much. im so scared to lose my energy for the christmas party later, but im okay now. i guess i gotta start trying to depend on myself more.

anyway, merry christmas loves. sana masaya ang party na to! <3

Friday, December 14, 2007

goodnight world.

nikko to the rescue. as always.
i guess he feels obliged to check up on me every once in a while. i know i have a tendency to be a bit of a mess and that i'm not the best person to take care of myself, haha, but is it that obvious?
i love my friends. i feel good now. especially since me and the girls bonded for a while.

i can't sleep. tj's still not home. gel's still not home (she's going to sleep here) and well, i can't sleep.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

fowta moheeeeecah!

i had the worst day!
2 hours of sleep. 19 hours of no food. how worse can my day possibly get? worst. mojica's class.
i can spend an entire blog entry ranting about him, but then again, i'm already pissed off as it is.
i was expecting something good to happen. it would be really nice if i have someone to make my day better, or atleast a little okay. i don't know, i guess it's kinda selfish wanting more. i already have good friends. and no, i don't have a few good friends. perhaps a score, or more. denise brought me a burger. tine, a strawberry (yes, A strawberry-isa lang!) tas gel hugged me and yeah i really love gel-hugs.

i was planning to write about my trips to the library, but it's supposed to be a jolly entry. so not today.
i had such a baaaaaaad day. and wallowing in self-pity probably made it worse. i saw tj earlier today and i was dying for a hug, boo-hugs make my day less unbearable, and tj is my hugmachine. but i was in such a hurry. hay.
anyway, the day's still not over, i still have a few more hours left.

somebody please make me happy!
(oh, jin did, early this morning. but even that can't last the day)

Thursday, December 6, 2007

of tagalog poems and broken dreams

it really should've been a lot easier for me if i was a bit more open to you. im sorry gelly. i know we're supposed to be bestfriends. it's good we had that dinner though, atleast now you know everything. at promise nga, i'd tell you everything.

argh, im such a bitch. i hate myself. strike three na ko since yesterday.

but anyway, last night when i was waiting for angela barrientos, i was playing with tine's laptop and would you believe that i still have my fil20 discussions close to heart? wala lang. i wanted to write something about sex, pero syempre profound and artistic naman. here's what i came up with:

Dagat ang unan
Tahanan ng luha
Mundo ang kama
Ng pusong sagasa

Hubad sa pagibig
Hubad sa kalinangan
Ngayong gabi ika’y kanya
Ngunit di sya sayo kalianman

okaaaaay. this is me trying real hard. hahaha! sorry na. it's unfinished though, i wanted to play with tagalog words. but i guess the topic's the problem, because i don't have anything to write about it. hoho. im such an innocent young girl. here's another crap:

matang napuwing ang pintuan
Na bukas-sara sa hangin ng gabi
Naisin mang ipikit ng tuluyan,
Iniwang mulat para ang yong aninong parating
Ay muling masilayan

nilamon ka na ng dilim
naghihintay pa rin
ang puso kong sa gabing ito
ay nagmimistulang bitwin

isang bitwin sa langit ng isang bilyon
walang panalo sa laban para kay luna
nakikisabay sa liwanag ng iba
habang nanunuod ng di pwedeng makita

isasara ko ang pinto
ipipikit ang aking mga mata
pagkat ngayong gabi ang mga bitwin
malalaglag ng isa isa

okaaaaaaaay. so i'm still trying to understand this one. (how could i not understand my own work? i dont know) but anyway, i give up. i've long forgotten the pain of not being able to come up with a decent tagalog poem. i guess it was sir dumlao's compliments on my "gakukong liwanag na sumilip sa cherva......" that regained my self-esteem. pero wag na lang talaga. i'm done with trying. haha! i wanted to be nick joaquin, and well, even he (our national artist for literature, duh) wrote in english. so can i. anyway, i remember how it felt when i was reading "act of revenge" i love it's local 'feel' eh. it's written so well, and yet you know that it's written by a filipino. i guess i can still write in english and still sound filipino. diba? but so long my dreams of being a poet of tagalog words. haha.

anyway, to end this, i just want to say that i hope......... bsta. don't hate me.

Monday, December 3, 2007

seriously 2

isa pa. shet naman kasi ang gwapo nya eh.

okay. im not saying it because i love, er, like him. i actually asked someone to make sure that i'm not as blind as i have been a dozen times before, with a dozen or so crushes. gwapo nga eh. amp. i guess that's what makes it harder for me. i'm vying for the moon, happily enjoying his place amongst the stars. perhaps i love him more than the rest of the stars do, but there's no way he'd notice one from the million others.

sana there's that one star especially for me. but then again, deep inside, again, in the littlest fraction of my heart, i would always, always dream of the moon. pak man. emo.


i really want to know if this is something i'll get through with in a few months time, because right now, ayoko na. hoho! seriously.

so i'm afraid i'm back to my old self. simple things make me so emo. a while ago, i was looking at some of my friendster photos, and there was this one pic na we're together. sumakto lang naman no, because i was also on chris' account. mixtape was playing. dammit. hay.

i have to stop this madness. haha. seriously.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

dear stranger

i will listen. because that's what i do, i listen. don't push me away whenever i try to be friends with you. because i'm only trying to bring back what we were. is that so bad? is it so bad to try to bring back what we once had, after all, we always thought it was perfect.

i could always try to run away. but that's stupid. after the nth time i've tried, i realized that no matter how far i run away, i'd always find myself running back. closer everytime. more painful than the last. the people around me are getting tired of the same old story. and i guess i'm tired too. but it can't seem to stop me from staying.

i missed out on a lot of chances. because i'm always trying to keep myself open. open for you. just incase by some twist of fate you decided you want me, i'd be around, i'd be available. i know it's funny, if not totally insane. but it's all i can do. wait for you.