missing my naughty angels

i miss nathan and danica.
like crazy. i've been singing nathan's make up song for two days straight. and i've been wearing danica's diaper (on my head, duh!) for two days straight as well. i know how hard it is for kuya to not see his family for seven years and then leave just like that after a month. i'm beginning to feel as if i regret having joined desaparecidos, only because i didn't get to spend enough time with my brother and his family, because i was busy with rehearsals. but then again, no time will ever be enough anyway. the last time kuya ouel left, which was, again, 7 long years ago, he did not embrace me. i was crying, bawling like i lost one from my pair of legs, and he did not embrace me. when he left a hazy two days ago, he did not embrace me either. with our kind of relationship, it makes you wonder why he didn't. he'll cry just as much as i did if he gave me a hug, knowing it will be the last for yet another, what, 7 years?





it's kinda lonely going back to a clean, silent house. i miss the chaos, my toys scattered all over the floor, the sound of nathan's incessant impersonations of his hero-nacho libre, my brother's kakulitan, watching finding nemo for the nth time, but most of all danica's tantrums. i know that from now on, long gone will be the days when car trips meant mimicking the sound of dogs and cats just to silence danica's cries. two nights before they left, i slept beside danica, she was extra nice to me the whole day that day. she kept touching my face, kept brushing my bangs, kissing me and calling me ninang. one time when mama was holding me, she took me and said "my tisa" i wondered then how i could possibly let her go when the time comes that i have to.. i love both of them so much. i kept asking papa to send me to canada this summer, but ofcourse, it's all just wishful thinking.

anyway, i talked to nathan this morning. he was watching lastikman. hahaha! kuya rammil bought him a lastkiman toy and he kept asking about it. so yun, nakapanood na rin sya.

so yun. yun lang, i guess. kuya ouel said that they'll try to come home for my graduation IF i graduate on time. hmmm??

wu-lah lang...

before anything else, happy birthday to ern!

i just finished watching she's all that. i hate to admit, but i got pretty kiliged over the movie. denise thinks it's lame, sorry naman i really have something for teenage movies, and, uh, i also have a thing for freddie prinze jr., uh, and rachel leigh cook, i think she's very beautiful, it kinda makes up for her lack in the height department. and i know she's all that is 90s pa, eh sa ngayon ko lang napanuod eh. amazing ang mga extra, si milo, sarah michelle gellar, usher.

napa-youtube ako. because seeing sarah michelle gellar reminded me of simply irresistible, it was one of her old movies. i love that movie, atleat that's what i remember, it was a long time ago, i watched it back when i was a little younger. but since chase' laftof is slooooow, i didn't get to watch even the first part. speaking of youtube, i have been watching happy slip, but again, because chase' laftof is sloooow, di ko rin natatapos. haha.

life update: (and yes, i have a life!) i got a haircut. i only usually get a haircut when i badly need one or im depressed. today, i don't know. i simply needed a change. and it's short too, which is really new to me. usually it scares me to go through a BIG change such as this one. but i feel really good about it. ofcourse, seeing my long long hair get cut was pretty hard... but anyway. yown lang.




ciao!

Conversations with Nathan

ON MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS

me: nathan, what musical instrument do you want to learn how to play?
nathan: the pinano and the dibar
me: dibar?
nathan: DIBAR! (duh?)
me: what's a dibar? what does it look like?
nathan: (impatiently) don't you listen to rock and roll?
....
....
me: ah. oh. guitar!


NATHAN'S GOING TO BE A POET, JUST LIKE TITA, HAHA

nathan: i will not go, i will not go
but if i do, but if i do...
kuya paolo: is that a real song?
nathan: no, im just making it up
(sings again)
me: (umepal lang) i'll come back on a sunny day
nathan: no! no! it has to rhyme.
like, have you seen a goat riding on a boat?
or there is a boy, playing with a toy...
hmmm... what else?
me: look at kate, she's my cousin playmate??
nathan: eating cake?

Poetry101:Rhyming


nathan, with my other niece, kate

KUNGFU

nathan: where are we going?
kuya paolo: batulao
nathan: what's batulao?
kuya paolo: a secret place for monks
nathan: what's "monks"?
kuya paolo: kungfu masters
nathan: really?
me: your dad will train with the kungfu masters
nathan: oh but i want to train too
kuya paolo: yes nathan, someday you will train with them too
nathan: how, why??
kuya paolo: you, are the chosen one.
nathan: (laughs) whatever uncle paolo.

desaparecidos. officially over.

so long DESAPARECIDOS, you are forever engraved in a fraction of my heart.
the lives that are changed by your story will never be the same.
and the families of the lost souls to which you are dedicated will no longer be only of desolation, but also of hoping.

lost and not yet found, light a candle, help little children reunite with their fathers, wives with their husbands, husbands with their wives, mothers with their children. light a candle, and help a desaparecidos find their way home.





maraming salamat sa mga nanuod. sumuporta. sabi ko nga, hindi mahalaga kung ilang mga buhay mula sa 900 na nanuod ng desaparecidos ang nabago, ang namulat ang naging mas makabuluhan. ang mahalaga, kaming mga nagsipaglabas ay patuloy na magsindi ng kandila sa pagasang isang araw ay samasama nating ipaglalaban ang katarungan para sa mga nawawala. tagalog ano? galing eh. basta salamat din sa mga kapwa nagsipag-ganap. hindi buo ang karanasan ng wala kayo. hindi na sanay ang sistema ng katawan kong hindi tumuloy sa NCAS o sa CDL na may dalang pole kasing bigat ko at itim na belo. hahanap-hanapin ng katawan at ng puso ko ang gabi-gabi nating pagkikita at pagsasama sa hirap at saya ng rehearsal at workshop. salamat. maaring pinabigat ng produksyong ito ang puso ko, masakit kahit sa panandalian ang pakiramdam ng mawalan. kaya kayo, wag mawawala. ayos?? mahal na mahal ko ang desa at ang lahat ng tao sa loob nito. salamat sa ANTS (Alipin ng Teatro at Sining) mga masokista tayo! sige lang ang laban. prod lang ng prod, kahit magbagsakan ang grades. JOOOOOOOOKEEEEE LAAAAAAAANG!

pictures to follow.

debut still moments

some pictures from the debut.
it's zee family. my parents in the middle. my brother ouel, at my right, kuya rammil at my left and kuya paolo next to him.


it's zee gown. i usually don't agree on wearing white on any occasion but your own wedding, BUT, i figured, i may never get married, so i'd just pretend this is my wedding. seriously. hahaha


my debut's theme is masquerade. well, supposedly. but most of the masks just rested on the tables like some decorations. not that i mind really, i didn't even wear my own mask. these are some of my college friends making use of the mask decorations.


a rare moment between me and my parents. my parents and i. myself, and my parents?? whatever.


with my beloved housemates. (ang ganda ni weng dito)


thank you speech.

more pictures on multiply :)

brotherly love

when my eldest brother, Ouel, left for Canada, i was only 11 years old. if you see how unbelievably childish i am today, then you could just imagine how immature and childish i was back then. the calls from canada went from long and daily to sporadic updates and ''how are you?''s. i blame this for not being able to bridge the already widening gap. to my brother, i will always be 11. even though i did visit them there, the year i turned 13, to him i will always be the 11 year old girl he refused to embrace before he left for a seven year stay in canada. while my other two brothers, despite whatever contradictions and objections they have, have accepted that i have grown, not only in height, thank you, my brother ouel will always think i'm too young to have a boyfriend, too young to be in college, to young to be going out with friends, and too young to be going out in shorts... too young. after all, i'm only just 11.

in one of our 'who's that guy in yellow?' discussions:

ouel: pero tisa ayoko dun ah
tisa: bakit? gwapo naman ah
ouel: hindi naman yun eh
tisa: mabait yun, inaalagaan ako nun, diba mama?
mama: oo, tatay nya yun dun eh
ouel: hindi, gusto ko kapag ganun, mahal ka.
tisa: salamat sa sampal
ouel: mas mahal ka kesa sa mas mahal mo sya. ayoko ng ikaw yung kawawa.

awww.. i'm 18 now. i think he's getting the picture. pwede na nga pala akong mag-boyfriend. wahahaha! but i'll just pretend all the guys i know are gay, para my being single is justified.

arlyn: hay nako mama, si ouel grabe asarin ang mga bata
ouel: hindi na ngayon, andito na si tisa eh. mapapahinga na sila nathan
bwahahaha

thanks kuya.
but really, i think i missed being the butt of his teasings.

we were going to eat at trinity in moa. we were left alone and he was complaining about how ate arlyn was such a nag:

tisa: kaya ako kuya, ayokong magapakasal
ouel: huh? bakit? kwento mo sa kin.
tisa: basta ayoko
ouel: bakit nga? syempre di pwede yun
tisa: eh wala naman akong picture ng magandang marriage no. si papa chaka si mama, sana maghiwalay nalang sila kung ganun lang din. kayo ni ate arlyn, away ng away,
ouel: syempre, part talaga yun, ala nga ng puro good times. may nangyayari ba sa bahay na di ko alam?
tisa: ano ka ba? syempre marami. basta di ako magaasawa, para kapag ayaw ko na, edi alis na ko. ganun lang.
ouel: huh? hindi pwede yun.
tisa: makikipaglive in nalang ako.....
....joke!
ouel: nagaaway nga kami parati ng ate arlyn mo, pero pag iniisip ko, ang pinakamasayang araw ko ay yung pinakasalan ko sya.

awww.

oh yes. he is quite funny.

on pemily and ahehehe i'm only 17

oh and i have to add. i did had the time to watch the scare tactics-shapeshifter episode and the bb pilipinas world 2008's question and answer portion with chase and boo. it was a good laugh. grabe lang eh. hahaha! i'm sorry jenina, janina or whoever you are, but we, i, dont find it funny and at the same time appalling only because you could not pronounce family correctly, or you could not construct a grammatically-error-free sentence, because i myself am faulty on that areas, but because if you are competing in the bb. pilipinas in hopes to be the representative of the Philippines to Ms. Universe/World/Earth you should have atleast considered if you will be able to make our country proud and if you will be able to comprehend a simple question such as what role did your family play in your joining of the bb. pilipinas pageant.

so anyway, goodluck sa ating ms. world candidate! kung matangkad lang ako... hahaha! joke lang. amf.

this is what i call an update but you can call it crap if you want to

i have lots of kwentos. but, BUT, i have no time. thanks to nightly rehearsals and professors who think we're super-iskos/as. i can't even write about the debut. it's not like there's something to write about it anyway. haha! it was a disaster, except ofcourse, we are all masters in pretending. i may not be good in acting but i definitely nailed the line 'oh, everything's okay.. ay, ok lang yun, ano ka ba?' but it did not exactly fall apart, thanks to kuya rammil, mama and ate apple who were the busy bees at the party.

so anyway. the fun part was seeing the gifts, i never had so many! i was drooling just by seeing all of them lined up waiting for me to open them. ooohh i love the body shop paperbags the most. i kinda get the feeling the gifts inside would require me to take a bath more often. hahaha! (oh but i have no time. hahaha) i appreciate all the gifts but it's so hard not to have a favorite. or favorites. sorry na. but i shall post The List some other time, when i finally have the time.

anyway, i enjoy the stage. not actually having to appear in it right infront of 800-900 people (the DL Umali seating capacity) but being backstage. my dad told me to stop participating in productions, after all i am majoring in writing (di lang halata, okay!!!) sabi nya, i don't need it. it was not an exaggeration when someone from thespian circle told me that theater is addicting. i kinda got hooked. from Pagbulas ng Sibol, i did not let another sem pass without me volunteering or working for a production. ofcourse it is mostly backstage work, so it is kind of new to me to be working with other actors not as a stage manager or as a set and props committee member, but as an actor as well. the process isn't normal either. the past productions did not require as much physical and emotional pain, atleast that is what i saw. with Desaparecidos, pain is a qualification. without having experienced a great amount of pain, the characters are at stake. sir Joey doesn't like acting on stage. never act. you should also never play the role. you should be the role. it's so hard to imagine yourself the role with desa, especially when i found out that they are real people, real abducted, tortured, raped and killed people. whatever meaning you give to the character, it always doesn't seem to give them enough justice.

but moving out of the 'story' context and moving on to the rehearsals and workshops proper, it was fun. ofcourse the movement workshops are grueling, sometimes cruel and agonizingly intolerable, but it was fun. the rehearsals meant having to see sir joey and that is an experience i could never write about. he is more than Icebag to me, without me having to pay 100 for the ticket-oh joy! but even though it is fun and i am surely going to miss everyone, i have to admit, i am a bit relieved that it will end soon. why? i'm exhausted. i'm not tired, i am terribly exhausted. i have to juggle academics, desaparecidos, my responsibility to my family (my brother just came home from canada and i have to be at home as much as i can, but i can't)and my family and my academics are the ones suffering the most. babagsakin na nga ako eh, hahaha. and i can't count the numerous family activities i missed, and i really want to be around my brother and my niece and nephew all the time but i don't even have the time to sleep for more than 5 hours. before desaparecidos i was already too busy to have the time to write, or to read a new book. but now i simply don't have the time for anything. i can't even fix myself up, even with the desire to look good before a certain someone. no. i just don't have the time. but i love desa. i super love desa. ewan. basta. atleast it was a good experience. it's my first time in UP to be a part of a play wherein i actually have to act, tapos experimental play pa. amazing lang eh.

but i can't wait for this semester to end. because everything sucks! coma192 sucks! coma104 sucks! history2 sucks! i don't expect some high grades, and i can't wait for next sem too, so i can start anew, but with majors finally filling up my sched, i won't be expecting some applaud-worthy grades next sem. so much for optimism.

i wonder what i'm going to do this summer? the trip to bacolod was cancelled. and i have a million books from my debut. so i guess i better start reading, prepare myself for a read-free sem next sem, as i also will be part of another production, which production, i am not certain. i don't know. basta, the sun, the company of good books, a tall glass of iced tea (not nestle iced tea ofcourse), a jordi labanda notebook in one hand and gtec .3 in the other, and perhaps the sporadic visitations of friends and cousins would probably fill up my summer. hmmm... sounds good to me.