i don't like you anymore.

Oh and I hate you. I didn’t think it’s possible, but I do. Because you don’t care enough to notice how I care. It’s because the people who are always around don’t get credit for staying, because they’re always there. And that’s how things are with you. You tend to forget about the people who cares most. To you, it’s about the special people and the acquaintances, I’m somewhere in between drifting from one category to another. And I really want to know where I stand, because I get tired too. those who say that when you love you don’t get tired don’t know anything about it. because it’s exhausting, it’s exhausting to try to be a friend to someone whom you want to be more than friends with, it’s hard to care, to be there all the time, to struggle with the right words only to feel insignificant, it’s exhausting to wait for nothing, it’s exhausting to keep on hoping that the fates would change their mind. I’m tired. And I’m lonely.

I don’t know what I really want. I guess I just need you to acknowledge me being there. Or maybe I just need to forget you and get this over with.

of heartbreaks and friendship.

chase and pat broke up. chase has been going on and on about how he's okay about it. for those who doesn't know him, siguro nga. because to me, he seems lost. i don't know, caught up with trying to be happy and trying to release the emotions all at the same time maybe. being a friend does not require you to know the things to say, does it? because if it does, then i sure failed. i'm struggling with comforts, i'm lost for words. naguguluhan din ako, should i let him wallow in sadness? or should i make him forget? i don't know how to be a good friend, i've always felt that being around is enough. oh but i guess he needs more than that. but what exactly does he need?
i've been walking with him twice since last night, should i initiate talking about 'it'. i figured that if he wanted to talk about it, then he'd probably start the conversation, pero wala eh, so i assumed that he doesn't want to talk about it. atleast not with me.

they wrote about how we should help our girlfriends cope with heartbreaks, guys get their hearts broken too, oh but that's the story never told.

battling ignorance

Frequent National Bookstore visitors will notice that the fiction section has grown inexcusably smaller. I find it terribly annoying that some Filipinos have very little interest in literature. Though love for books often starts at home, I think that it is also the school’s responsibility to bring their students closer to the enchanting world of words. I wasn’t blessed with a good literature teacher back in highschool, in fact I studied subject verb agreement year after year for four years. And honestly, It was a time badly wasted. (I envied my father’s kopong-kopong stories about what he learned from school, they read Edgar Allan Poe’s, Beuwolf’s and such.) I know for a fact that if we don’t do anything to stop it, the next generation will be dumber, less and less imaginative and dim-witted, thanks to the system of education, thanks to elementary and highschool teachers that teaches by the book and never by the words of Tolstoy and all them great. Back to National Bookstore, going through my usual browsing I observed that the classics, such as Hemmingway’s A Farewell to Arms, Harper Lee’s How to Kill A Mockingbird are now below 200 pesos. And I could only think of two reasons, two reasons that will either raise our hope for literacy among our unfortunate generation or prepare us for the downfall of the already sagging education. That they surprisingly lowered the prices to reach out to the financially poor lovers of a good read, or because literature is simply no longer of high value, that they are collecting dust in bookshelves full of expensive newer, sexier novels, that there is no other way to dispose them but to cut it’s real value. i would love to be able to talk to my children and hear them bragging about how they are receiving a better education that of that I received. Education should be improved by time, and yet it is always the opposite. When I was in high school, I asked one of my classmates if he has read this short story by Nick Joaquin, and he doesn’t even know him. I am ashamed of our lack of knowledge for these things, how do I expect kids my age to know H.G. Wells, if they don’t even know our national artist. People don’t feel ashamed that they don’t know about these great people and their equally great works, because everyone seems to not know it. Ignorance has become ordinary that everyone seem to think it’s cool, people who read and people who journey into the modern utopia become freaks. so I guess I’m a freak, then again so what?

ONE TREE HILL

I could almost do as I wish when I found out that mark has a “One tree Hill” dvd, all I need to do is reach over and strangle him. I had waited so long for this moment to come, sweet long hours of being stranded in the sofa, a bowl of chips close by, with Chad, oh Chad, on my screen. But the summer was almost through then and it was really late for me to start watching the whole season. But noone’s going to stop me from fulfilling my summer goal-to have a One Tree Hill marathon. But Mark, self-acclaimed Chad Michael Murray look alike won’t give it away without a fight. Oh he tried to battle with me, all right. In exchange for season 1 is a semester of math17. my answer-no way! Uh-uh! Unless ofcourse the deal was math 17 and I’d get Chad, fuh real! Haha. but he let me borrow it anyway. The first night was a long night, I couldn’t stop watching until 3 am, if I haven’t switched the tv off-grudgingly, the morning crow would have tucked me to sleep himself. One Tree Hill has always been about Chad for me, and now James Lafferty has joined the picture. Haha. I don’t know what it is with these series, they’re so addicting. It’s nice to watch somebody else’s (fictional fellas) lives, when you don’t have one, right? Anyway, Peyton’s hair reminds me so much of Pancit Canton. Not that it’s relevant, really. I used to hate Brooke, somehow it was Peyton’s character that reached deep into me. Not only am I fan of her artworks, but I am a big fan of her breaking stereotypes. Ofcourse she’s a cheerleader slut but other than that, I don’t see anything cheerleader-y in her. After a few more episodes, I learned to love Brooke as well. There is a certain sadness in her that I can relate to. She always feel as if something is missing, and I think that we all get that feeling when we’re lying in bed, thinking. Oh and it really hurts to find out that the only man you’ve ever loved loves your bestfriend, and as if that’s enough, the bestfriend loves him back. Too much drama! Haley and Nathan, now that’s my favorite couple. Lucas is good, but really he’s got to make a decision, and that’s what Nathan did. And isn’t it every girls dream for a man to leave his tainted past for a future with a tutor girl. Really, that’s pretty amazing. Now Karen, Karen is hot! For a mom, I mean. I really like her relationship with Lucas, it’s really more of a friendship. Keith is okay, and I really don’t have anymore to say about him. Dan is a loser, he’s pure evil from the very start. Sometimes I wonder if there is any good bone in his body. I don’t have anything to say about Deb. Oh and Jake, Jake’s hot! I really think that he deserves Peyton, they’re good for each other. They have this great, great chemistry that I can’t explain. And Jake having Jenny makes him even hotter. It would be nice if he and Peyton ends up together, but I don’t know I kinda like Lucas and Peyton to end up together too. Mouth, or Marvin Mcfadden-is hot in personality. He’s a really good little brother (Haha!). And I’m really sure that I like it if it’s him and Brooke in the end. As for the other characters- I have not much to say. Actually I have a lot to say. They’re just not that important. Obviously-I’m hooked! So are the others who devoted their time to One Tree Hill Marathons, namely Mark, Gel and Chase. It’s really crazy, the other day we were on the One Tree Hill fansite, is that embarrassing or what? Haha. Anyway, we were just checking out the episodes we haven’t watched yet. Rumor has it that Lucas dies in the end, because he’s suffering from HGM and Haley dies too, I just don’t know why, maybe while delivering the baby or something. Wikepedia gives a rather different information. Oh, I don’t know. I guess we just to have to wait and see. I was telling them the other day that my life kinda starts right when the opening song starts, one tree hill has become air for me. Haha! Anyway, with a lot of things filling up my schedule I can’t find the time for tree hill marathons. And I’m dying to find out what happens next!! Hay.

whatever. whatever.

i have sir Joey for my thea107 class, which is a bummer because it would be so much fun, like icebag every monday and wednesday but he's not going to direct our production. so really, so much for the excitement. i'm not saying that i'm not thrilled to be working with sir Rufo, it's just i really want to know how sir Joey works. he said on our first class, "strive for perfection, so that if you do not attain it, you would be somewhere close" or something to that effect. there is a certain respect demanded by UP professors. not literally demanded, but i guess i always figured they deserve it, it's hard proving yourself to a class where half the students believe themselves to be better than you. i respect Sir Joey Vargas, as much as i respect the likes of ma'am Bucoy and sir Dumlao, because in every class they show you that they are better, but only for now, they are open to the possibility that time will come and you'll be so much better. and that they are a part of that painstaking process.

anyway, no classes yesterday. LAGUNA DAY. yey. anyway, Gel, Chase, Mark, Teej and I went to Paseo de Sta. Rosa, to have coffee. ha-ha. we went all the way there from Los Banos, just to have coffee. Gel bringing her car definitely made life easier. we hung out til 1 then we drove off to Tagaytay, and did nothing, we just drove. reached Laeuna de Taal, then drove again. arrived back at elbi by 3:30 and then Gel slept over. Elbi life without Bop is hard, i still can't believe she's in Diliman. i was so looking forward to 4 years together. i miss her so bad.

tuesday was a gloomy day. monday was so hooot, i was sweating like a construction worker, i bet i smelled like one too-so much for my first day, huh? but tuesday felt like december. and we were all stuck at home, watching korean movies. i love it anyway! no bonding like korean marathons. no love stories like korean romance movies. they know

after classes, Gel and i hung out. she'd definitely be hanging out at the apartment more than usual, and i know how hard it is for her that she doesn't have Bop back in her dorm. anyway, after that we had dinner at westbrook, her treat. and then we went star gazing, where? where else, freedom park. it was fun, i haven't really talked to her for the longest time. i guess i missed her too.

i have PE tomorrow. aeroboxing. i always find new ways to embarass myself. how great!

home sweet home

feelings: the comeback. whatever it means. to those who knows, this is a no brainer. to M.E. this is a new way to torture myself. anyway, i sooo love elbi. it's nice to be back home. i can almost smell proven from way up here. ha-ha. i'm welcoming sleepless nights and bitter movie marathons. it's only june, and already we can't help but plan our christmas party as if it is the reason our parents sent us here. at some point i know i'm going to condemn my lack of beauty sleep, or a 5 minute nap even. but right now, i'm still enjoying the thought, and i can already taste a drop of a strong coffee. i could almost feel the touch of elbi wind across my face and i could almost taste the famous raymundo proven.

i love elbi. so so much.

hollywood stars for the night

last night was B-an's debut. i have to travel all the way to Diliman from Binan. met up first with Bop in megamall, strolling in my pink tube dress. haha! it's my first debut without the three guys, but i enjoyed it anyway. and i think that the party would've turned out to be completely different if they were there. they didn't even know that i went, i wonder if we're having a falling out. nah. i don't think so.

the theme of B-an's debut is hollywood, so we had these name tags with hollywood stars' names in it. i am Rachel Bilson. Bop is Tyra Banks. Hazel, Sarah Jessica Parker. Jax is Ellen Degeneres. Gel, Julia Roberts and Diego is Elijah Wood. twas cool. i had fun. but in the middle of the dancing, my face started to itch real bad. we thought it was the make up, because for the first time, Bop bought this really cheap blush-on. but then again i also have this spots on my back, so it can't be the make up. another theory is that it's the rum in the tiramisu of which i had a big slice of. or the flowers. we're not sure actually, the red spots are gone after 30mins anyway.

hung out at starbucks in tomas morato before heading home. we have to fit in Diego's crv, all 6 of us + his driver. i was asleep the whole ride home. and i was awake until 5:30 am. haha! studying for my NASC4 exam, or not.

sleepless friday

lately i've been having no time for friends, because the production is so time consuming. Bop hates me for cancelling another lunch date. and i super hate myself too. but what i've committed to requires my presence and full attention. i mean, i myself gets so tired sometimes, but it is really satisfying. as ma'am JC said, theater is addicting!

it's 3 am and i still can't grasp the concept of 'sleep'. i mean the only reason i force myself to surrender into my pillows is because i have to. i no longer need coffee, unless of course i'm studying sosc1 (spell BORING) haha!

it doesn't help that bum is insomniac, it means i have an instant companion for midnights like this. or that chris aka morris in Pagbulas ng Sibol can't sleep either. or that i simply can't lose myself in a deep slumber. it was a long day but i don't seem tired at all. i came to the point wherein i feel as if sleeping means getting robbed of time supposedly for something productive.

oh well, ima work on my nasc4 take home exam. or not.

catching up

i've obviously been busy, the production has been filling up my sched. i lack sleep, food intake and time for pleasure. there are nights, midnights even, when i could just rain dennis gupa with all the possible profanities there is in this world. but then again, i so love pagbulas ng sibol.

i was so occupied that i wasn't able to write about my birthday, of which i had 3 parties. one from the apartment people + bop + gel +bian. one from my thespian circle family and one really green (literally) party from my girlfriends (sooo lesbian-haha!).

or about Bop's debut, which took so much effort since we have to rent a driver and pay a lot for the gas. and how from Bop's debut we went straight to Romjulea's debut in pasig, even though her real birthday is not until july. anyway, i love my blue dress which kuya paolo payed for, for a whopping 1,something. it's so simple, barbie like, body-hugging spag strap from sari sari.

bop, gel and i had a lunch date in bonitos. somehow, bonitos, always remind me of the three boys and that night when i had my superman hair. i know not why though, just that i do.

also that kuya rammil arrived last wednesday and we only have been together last sunday because i have to go back to Los Banos, and it's his retreat in Baguio. i was expecting a now blonde brother, but it's not as gold as we all expected it to be. he picked me up from my second play date in ruins. he was with two of his friends from singapore, and all four of us + eme had our dinner in iziz.

other than this, i mostly hang out at ruins. meddling with the props. having conversations with the other backstage people. getting all 'chums' with actors. trying hard not to look too sleepy. and trying harder not to feel sleepy.

thrusday thursday

Even though we’re going to have a celebration on Saturday, Weng still treated us to dinner last night. A round of calamares, carbonara, buffalo thigh, I love et! Gluttony is killing me!

Went out this afternoon with weng and roselle. I was craving for munchkins, and we ended up eating isaw, munchkins and cheeseburger. Talk about being on a diet. The rain started pouring immensely on LB grounds, we can stay and I could miss my meeting without knowing when the rain will stop or we can get ourselves wet and have fun. We chose the latter. But by the time we’ve decided to come out of the rain, it’s already pouring flippantly. Twas more like ambon, than it is rain. I’d rather have gotten myself soaked, than being partly wet. We looked stupid though, and it’s fun because no one seems to care. Three college girls, laughing in the rain. I love et!

We already started the miniature set design based on the sketch plan. I didn’t know ate Bea is that good in drawing, maybe even better than kuya Paolo, but I understand the pressure of making it perfect because Gupa is freakin’ obsessive. The base is made of styro, we’re not really done with the piano, the bed and other stuff, sir Gupa is so fickle minded he kept on changing the design. He has forgotten all about the horse, but he now wants chickens. Chickens?! Ayayayay. Boo and bum picked me up, I didn’t get to watch much of the line readings but it’s ok, I think I’ll be spending too much time in practice in the following days anyway. I’m excited and scared at the same time. This production, as it turns out, is a big, big, big production! We’ll be having Philippine Daily Inquirer, ABS-CBN, several radio stations and critics attending Spring Awakening. Gupa wants to make this play on the same level as international plays, and I believe in his vision. O-kay, that sounds unbelievably cheesy.

I’m suddenly hankering for siopao. And not just any siopao, that particular siopao papa and I had in La Salle. Grr!

happy birthday bum!

today is weng and bop's special day. bop just turned 18 and bum, 17. we had prepared bum a little surprise, we were supposed to buy her 17 solo chocolate cakes with one letter on each cake that spells, "happy birthday weng" but sweet picks was closed. so we setlled for Goldilock's choco crumble cakes. i had lunch with bop and gel in komeshi, ordered myself ika bento meal, and tamago which i didn't get to finish because i was already practicing gluttony by the fourth piece. selle and i was the one assigned to buy the cakes, so she was waiting for me in PhySci, apparently she had been standing there for a few minutes and had asked Ferdie and Romel (yep, the new COSS members, so proud!) to wait with her. so the four of us went out for the surprise, upon realizing that sweet picks is closed we went to KFC and, uh, ate. ha-ha! chase arrived shortly after, and the 5 of us decided to just buy what is available.
i cooked salisbury steak, eme cooked caldereta and boo cooked this floured eggplant which is unbelievably saraaaaap! it tasted like mojos, especially with a ceasar dip, it's heaven i tell ya! then we all gathered here in the apartment for a feast, ferdie and the other rm.303 boys didn't attend the partay, sad thought. grr!
okay, that's it for today. i have a long exam on sosc tomorrow and it worries me that i don't feel worried about it. amp.

saturday loving

nothing beats grilled cinnamon and coffee for breakfast, and having to sit with your dad and talk about global warming and other important stuff you don't get to talk about everyday. i had a blast bonding with my dad, we went to makati after dropping off uncle nick in shaw then we met up with my brother(who by the way have a 3 inch stitch on his head-frigging thieves!) in glorietta and the three of us watched Apocalypto in Greenbelt which is strictly R18. i have to lie just to get in, tsk tsk tsk. in the beginning of the movie, i could definitely understand why the cinema was so strict about letting in people under 18 because the movie is implausibly gory. i enjoyed it anyway, i think mel gibson is very skilled in making movies. ofcourse i can't compare Apocalypto with The Passion of the Christ but you have to agree that they were both made in a very intense manner. i was constantly covering my face, hitting my brother or fidgeting my fingers. i was careful not to say "shit!" or any worse profanity, so i regularly nosh my mouth with popcorn. haha! papa and kuya are not as impressed as i thought they would be, but they also don't dismiss it as a bad movie, maybe just not what they expected. kept saying we should've just watched Night at the Museum with the funny Ben Stiller, it's lighter, much much lighter than the gruesome scenes of Mel Gibson's film.

anyway, it will be another month before i get to bond with my dad again, as he is leaving for malaysia on monday. i miss him most when i watch him drive away when he and madrops me off in elbi on sundays. i don't know why.

of korean movies

Twigs, live horse, fruits, grand piano, forest background. Few of the things we need for the set design. I am so thrilled about this production. The first and last time I was a part of any prod was back in my elementary days, “Pilandok” in Music Museum. Now, I’m working backstage and it will be a complete new experience for me. Yey! Of course, it’s all fun for now, but it won’t be in the following weeks. But I know that I’d love the intensity, the stress, the sweat and the shouting. That way, I’d really feel that I am a part of this major production.

Bought myself an 8-in-1 DVD, Korean movies. I miss those times when my brother’s Chinese girlfriend, Tracy, used to lend me her DVDs. Anyway, the very moment I got home, 1 cheese roll, a bag of Michell’s chocolate chip cookies, donut and lumpiang toge after, I popped in The Art of Seduction of which I know nothing of. I’m not really that into Korean movies to know the actors by name or to research about it, it was the first movie so I chose it. I seem to think of Korean or Chinese romantic comedies of superior quality than Tagalog films. I’m not being treacherous to my own country, but you have to admit, ours are more on the slapstick part than it is comedy with sense. But I guess I’m just comparing everything to Windstruck, which is my all time favorite movie (and also everyone else’s) I wasn’t able to finish it though; I have to run off to the sunken lobby for the committee meeting. I love the feeling of being uber productive. I love et! Love et, love et! Ha-ha.

exhaustion and jealousy

My body has been cursing me, it has this intense desire to cling to the bed and lie so peaceful beneath the covers. And yet, this body though overwhelmed with exhaustion, has been awake all day, and alert all night. I no longer feel the need for coffee, feels as if I have a supply of caffeine inside me, but I need some rest, and yet I ain’t getting any.

Anyway, I think I may have failed my first math exam. I could’ve tried harder, but I didn’t. I didn’t feel so bad because I didn’t even study that much, yes, I was awake even at the wee hours of the night, but all I did was eat and talk and eat. Nothing so productive. Only, well, sinful in a way that it makes me bloat like a shiny red balloon in a few days. I could make up for it by passing the next exam, but even that is questionable. it’s funny how well I suck in math. And how everyone else is so good at it.

A while ago, Bum confided in me about the “sweet” our friend/her crush’ is so fond of. It’s not an easy thing, jealousy. Tsk tsk. I say get out of the fire, before jealousy burns you like hell.

Goodnight.

vanity attack!

monday lunch date with bop and gel, spent P180 for a meal. grr! im supposed to be saving money for bop's debut and my trip to uste, but i so love food! anyway, the three of us we're supposed to see each other again in math class later this afternoon, which is great because 2hour lunch dates doesn't quite make it. but math class was canceled. whoopy for me! it means no friggin billy sison, and more time to read othello, which is not really that much fun but i really should be done with it by tonight. yey! puyat mode ulit. coffee. wee!

selle, weng, tine and i went to the rooftop and i brought along with me my Othello book, but it just lied there, overlooked and unloved. haha! with our chapped lips we were singing, accompanied by weng's guitar, we were singing so loud that our voices were probably heard in the first floor. i am quite baffled as to why it's so cold here in elbi. is it usually cold this time of the year? it feels like we're in baguio.

vanity attack, there's no stopping it. we took tons of photos to wrap up the rooftop event. haha!

twas fun, ofcourse. even though if someone happens to pass by the dirt road we'd look totally foolish, and, well, uh, vain. anyway, later tonight we'll be celebrating kuya karl's bday. yey! lots and lots of food. ok, i should be readin othello by now. gotta go be productive.