fowta moheeeeecah!

i had the worst day!
2 hours of sleep. 19 hours of no food. how worse can my day possibly get? worst. mojica's class.
i can spend an entire blog entry ranting about him, but then again, i'm already pissed off as it is.
i was expecting something good to happen. it would be really nice if i have someone to make my day better, or atleast a little okay. i don't know, i guess it's kinda selfish wanting more. i already have good friends. and no, i don't have a few good friends. perhaps a score, or more. denise brought me a burger. tine, a strawberry (yes, A strawberry-isa lang!) tas gel hugged me and yeah i really love gel-hugs.

i was planning to write about my trips to the library, but it's supposed to be a jolly entry. so not today.
i had such a baaaaaaad day. and wallowing in self-pity probably made it worse. i saw tj earlier today and i was dying for a hug, boo-hugs make my day less unbearable, and tj is my hugmachine. but i was in such a hurry. hay.
anyway, the day's still not over, i still have a few more hours left.

somebody please make me happy!
(oh, jin did, early this morning. but even that can't last the day)

of tagalog poems and broken dreams

it really should've been a lot easier for me if i was a bit more open to you. im sorry gelly. i know we're supposed to be bestfriends. it's good we had that dinner though, atleast now you know everything. at promise nga, i'd tell you everything.

argh, im such a bitch. i hate myself. strike three na ko since yesterday.

but anyway, last night when i was waiting for angela barrientos, i was playing with tine's laptop and would you believe that i still have my fil20 discussions close to heart? wala lang. i wanted to write something about sex, pero syempre profound and artistic naman. here's what i came up with:

Dagat ang unan
Tahanan ng luha
Mundo ang kama
Ng pusong sagasa

Hubad sa pagibig
Hubad sa kalinangan
Ngayong gabi ika’y kanya
Ngunit di sya sayo kalianman

okaaaaay. this is me trying real hard. hahaha! sorry na. it's unfinished though, i wanted to play with tagalog words. but i guess the topic's the problem, because i don't have anything to write about it. hoho. im such an innocent young girl. here's another crap:

matang napuwing ang pintuan
Na bukas-sara sa hangin ng gabi
Naisin mang ipikit ng tuluyan,
Iniwang mulat para ang yong aninong parating
Ay muling masilayan

nilamon ka na ng dilim
naghihintay pa rin
ang puso kong sa gabing ito
ay nagmimistulang bitwin

isang bitwin sa langit ng isang bilyon
walang panalo sa laban para kay luna
nakikisabay sa liwanag ng iba
habang nanunuod ng di pwedeng makita

isasara ko ang pinto
ipipikit ang aking mga mata
pagkat ngayong gabi ang mga bitwin
malalaglag ng isa isa

okaaaaaaaay. so i'm still trying to understand this one. (how could i not understand my own work? i dont know) but anyway, i give up. i've long forgotten the pain of not being able to come up with a decent tagalog poem. i guess it was sir dumlao's compliments on my "gakukong liwanag na sumilip sa cherva......" that regained my self-esteem. pero wag na lang talaga. i'm done with trying. haha! i wanted to be nick joaquin, and well, even he (our national artist for literature, duh) wrote in english. so can i. anyway, i remember how it felt when i was reading "act of revenge" i love it's local 'feel' eh. it's written so well, and yet you know that it's written by a filipino. i guess i can still write in english and still sound filipino. diba? but so long my dreams of being a poet of tagalog words. haha.

anyway, to end this, i just want to say that i hope......... bsta. don't hate me.

seriously 2

isa pa. shet naman kasi ang gwapo nya eh.

okay. im not saying it because i love, er, like him. i actually asked someone to make sure that i'm not as blind as i have been a dozen times before, with a dozen or so crushes. gwapo nga eh. amp. i guess that's what makes it harder for me. i'm vying for the moon, happily enjoying his place amongst the stars. perhaps i love him more than the rest of the stars do, but there's no way he'd notice one from the million others.

sana there's that one star especially for me. but then again, deep inside, again, in the littlest fraction of my heart, i would always, always dream of the moon. pak man. emo.

seriously.

i really want to know if this is something i'll get through with in a few months time, because right now, ayoko na. hoho! seriously.

so i'm afraid i'm back to my old self. simple things make me so emo. a while ago, i was looking at some of my friendster photos, and there was this one pic na we're together. sumakto lang naman no, because i was also on chris' account. mixtape was playing. dammit. hay.

i have to stop this madness. haha. seriously.

dear stranger

i will listen. because that's what i do, i listen. don't push me away whenever i try to be friends with you. because i'm only trying to bring back what we were. is that so bad? is it so bad to try to bring back what we once had, after all, we always thought it was perfect.



i could always try to run away. but that's stupid. after the nth time i've tried, i realized that no matter how far i run away, i'd always find myself running back. closer everytime. more painful than the last. the people around me are getting tired of the same old story. and i guess i'm tired too. but it can't seem to stop me from staying.



i missed out on a lot of chances. because i'm always trying to keep myself open. open for you. just incase by some twist of fate you decided you want me, i'd be around, i'd be available. i know it's funny, if not totally insane. but it's all i can do. wait for you.

don't bother

its funny how i'd still prefer chocnut over anything more expensive. i guess we'd always go back to the creme brulee-jello discussion. i hate it.

all i want is for you to rescue me.

back to normal

let's divert from my day to day emotional drama and move on to what's more important. serious much? i'm supposed to deliver my speech this spcm104 meeting, actually i was supposed to have delivered it last meeting. but no. argh. my persuasive speech is about death penalty. over rated? well, not for me. i'm VERY pro life. anyway, it heated up a debate the one time i opened the topic with some of the 05s. so i guess it's a pretty okay topic.

my hist2 prof who insisted she be called Panginoon is absent today. thank the REAL God. i have to admit, i get offended whenever she refers to herself as a God, take note, God not goddess.

last night, when i was supposedly studying for hist2, i found Weng's songbook. so we decided to crash at Keatre's place, as we always do, equipped with Selle's guitar and Weng's golden voice we disrupted Joseph and Eme's study time. asa. twas fun. singing oldies, i mean. it reminds me of long trips with the 'rents. my dad's a big beatles fan, and i grew up listening to michael learns to rock, bread, eagles and such. joseph and weng are too, so we felt bit nostalgic. i felt sad when Weng was singing it's all coming back to me now. hahaha. whaaaaaaaat?? it is a bit sad, really.

dear stranger. you make me so vulnerable.

i <3 secondhand serenade.
because because. anyway. my heart is heavy and my eyelids are heavier and the longer i stay awake the more i worry. that's what's wrong with me, i worry too much. right now i feel worried, scared and happy. and i didn't think it's possible to feel this much emotion all at the same time.

i'm worried because i'm scared. i'm scared that this is how things will always be. i'm scared that if i don't move on now, i never will. and i don't want that to happen. i want to move on too. i want to be happy. i want to find someone who'll love me. but i'm scared that even if i do, as i have many times before, i'd still be stuck on you. i'm scared that i will always switch from emotion to emotion, you make me so vulnerable. vulnerable to everything. i just want to be happy. and sometimes, i am. when we feel us getting closer, i'm happy. but i'm scared. because the closer we are, the harder it is to let go. i want to be contented. the thing with this situation is that you make me unhappy being myself. i hate myself because i can't change enough for you to like me back. it's crazy, huh? you've become a stranger. but sometimes when we talk, i hear him too, and i know that deep inside of you, he's there. make him come home. maybe he still likes the me i still am today.

...

come home now.
i can't write unless you come home now.

good mood ME

surprise surprise!! classes are until April. oh joy! bummer. why is UP so abnormal. my kuripot of a brother will finally come home on the last week of february and their visit will span a month. but i won't be around much. he waited 6 years to come home, who knows how long it'll take before he visits again. argh.

yun lang. haha!! i have tons to write a while ago. but im in a good mood now. so, yun.

dear stranger

i don't see you much. doesn't matter. i don't want to anyway. atleast that's what i tell myself when stuck in the sofa, still dressed with the clothes i wore the whole day hoping you'd visit and see me in them. pathetic. i know. i don't cry anymore, atleast there's an accomplishment. but i find myself writing to you everyday, and that, i find even more pathetic. i kinda feel like dan humphrey in gossip girl, with his sad-ass poetry and suicidal letters. haha. i've got a notebook full of them shit. except ofcourse, i'm far from suicidal. but anyway, here's one from the many i'd wish you'd take time to read:

Here’s to honesty I’d willingly give you, in far-fetched wishes of acceptance and love, wishes that you will never grant of reality. I’m tired. I get it, I’m just not it. And if I wait another year I’ll only get stoned for martyrdom, but before that, the pain of loving you will kill me first. And the rest of the world will stand and watch me fall, over and over again. If you promise me an eternity, I promise to die before you get tired of me. But what you can only promise me are walks you’re too tired to take. Of conversations that’ll only push me away. Of forever’s worth of 60 second memories you will never be able to give. Broken promises are promises nonetheless, and they are the only thing I get a hold of. And this is what you do to me. You make me wait all night for your arrival. You make me sing songs I wish I wrote. You make me lie in the ground with you while you’re drunk with heartbreak liquor, and me with tears. You make me listen to your stories, even when all I want is for you to listen to me. When shall I tell you? perhaps never. Because this is what you do to me. You make me fall so hard, the fall gets too tiring that I want nothing else but to finally hit the ground, but I keep on falling. I’m singing you goodbye, and from the muffled voices could you pick apart what im saying? I’m telling you I miss you and if I could bring back highschool, I would.

Here’s to goodbye and the lie that I will finally let you go.

nicole's havin lotsa fun

nicole got drunk. haha! told me i make simple things complicated. i guess so. i guess i do.

anyway, chase kept building his friend up. ang hirap isulat lhat ng sinabi nya eh. pero bsta, i don't know if i should be happy. both my bestfriends(chase and nicole) are rooting for jake. teej is rooting for whoever owns my heart. wow. as if that person wants me too. haha!! i don't know if i should follow my heart and sulk, or i if should follow my friends and open up to another person. haha! jake seems nice though. if not, then chase won't be able to forgive himself. haha!

i can't sleep, dammit. and i can't write anything other than these no frills blog entries. haha! it's okay though. im trying to keep everything simple. so as to avoid complications. haha! :)

i'll try to get some sleep now.

long entry ahead

this sem was the fastest ever, but i constantly felt the need for it to end. everything was so tiring, mostly because of the play. other than that, everything else was just plain complicated. i'm beginning to love that word, complicated. it sums up everything that's been going on with my life lately. haha! anyway, when i finally felt the semester dawning, how i wish i could pull back time so i could have a few more moments at the apartment, a few more bonding sessions with my housemates. but i guess, i needed the break as well. everything is in such a fast pace that i feel in dire need of something to stop me from running over everything.

this morning, in the shower, i kept repeating my speech over and over again. this is about the nth time i've done it. i'm good at writing the things i want to tell him, but no, i lack the courage to say 'em. sure, we've been talking more and more each day now, i've got this silly hope that soon we'll be back to the friends we were. but i miss our silences, i miss when we talk with our hearts for what our words won't be able to say. i miss a lot of things. but i've no intention of bringing em back now. i just want to completely get over everything. tj, of all people should understand. if there is anyone who knew everything i went through, it's him, but i guess it's hard to understand such a selfish decision. i'm crazy. i should stop writing about it, it only gives me a documented proof of how stupid i am. i won't move on. so i guess i'm only saying, that i'm going to stop trying. dammit. i'm so fickle minded.

anyway, i've got the whole sembreak planned out. i should be able to finish atleast 3 classics, i'm choosing between 2 shakespeare comedies, hg wells' time machine and modern utopia or beuwolf. hmmm. wadya think? i've got about 30 korean movies to finish, haha! crazy, right? i was actually watching my girl and i last night. man, i cried in the first scene. them damn koreans know how to make a lonely girl like me feel deprived. the line was "su ho still can't forget you. his brain is tiny, but it's filled with thoughts about you. let go of my friend, please." and this line was being screamed into the sea, to a girl who's been dead for 10 years already. su ho was obviously stuck, it made me cringe more. with jealousy i guess. i'd exchange any intelligent guy for one who'd love me 10 years after i die.
the other day i stayed up until 4 am, talking to joseph when he was supposedly studying for math. we talked about selle. i hit him hard with the pillow everytime he say something nice. because i feel lonely. because all the time i was sitting there beside him, i was thinking how much i wish i was sitting there with someone else, and that someone else telling me nice things too. i get so desperate sometimes. can't help but remember my dad, he told me a month ago ata, that i shouldn't get too desperate, all i have to do is wait because i deserve a prince daw. touching, ha? my dad thinks i'm a princess, i can't even have a damned beggar tas he thinks i'll be able to snag myself a prince. perhaps the shining armor. but not the prince. haha!

not everything's been going fine. but i always had something to hold on to, it's the thought that when it's not okay, then it's probably not the end. diba? it makes sense to me, and it keeps me strong.

i miss writing. like really writing. i mean, i write, but not as well as i think i can. i don't know what happened. papa kept pushing, it's okay when he does, i feel as if i'm not pushed enough to work harder. growing up, i always felt that i was competing with him. ofcourse i never could win, but i love the feeling of defeat, i love that he always know the meaning of the words i throw at him, i love that he keeps reiterating how his vocabulary got so wide, i love his stories about his childhood, about lola who was an english public school teacher. i love it because i always feel that there's more i can do to improve. i guess that's why i started this blog, i don't feel challenged writing in english, but i can only write about one emotion in such a way that it becomes almost like a figment, like a shadow luring at every black and white photo, embracing a widower's cold shoulders over her husbands grave, enveloping a mother in her third miscarriage. see? only one emotion. sadness. i need to write about others things too.

bes is here in elbi. :)

to sum it all up, everything's a mess

chaotic three days. i wish i could write everything, but i lack the energy, sobra sa emosyon kulang sa lakas. i've been switching from mood to mood lately and i'm getting tired of all the drama. everything's getting under my skin, and i'm really confused whether i should be happy or sad about some things. im pissed, that's for certain but other than that i have a kaleidoscope of emotions drowning me in bittersweet tears.

in three days, i fought and made up with one of my most loved boys, made the biggest decision of my life, made friends with them guys upstairs, missed a fun night of drunk guys, cried my heart out over another broken heart and the choice to make it stay that way, had more revelations to last a lifetime, finished a portfolio and a paper, had laughs with my favorite people in the world, and slept with my heart heavier than it already is. i hate life sometimes.

grabe talaga. i really wish i could be genuinely happy. it's been a while na rin kasi and i deserve to be happy. atleast i think so. and it's really selfish, what i'm trying to do now, but for once i'm actually thinking of myself. everybody else is wishing for things to get better between US, but it's really not that easy, i'm so tired. you've changed. it might take me forever to understand why this is supposed to be better than before, and i'd normally say i'd wait. but i'm tired. i've been thinking of noone but you for the last 2 years. i've got to start thinking of myself now.

i've got to learn to love ME.

blah blah

this was bound to be the best day of this semester, but no. i feel a bit nostalgic. must be the song gel's playing, i don't know. everything seems to be such a mess in the end.