Saturday, April 12, 2008

...

whenever i tell myself that i haven't lived my life to the fullest, in such a way that i not only lived as if i am going to die tomorrow, but also have given much to the world, i tell myself i'm still young, and that i have atleast a few if not 60 more years to live. but i am alreay 18, and still, my life has no meaning. when i look back at what i wrote over the past 18 years, when i look back at how i lived my life, how unsatisfied i was despite the blessings i've received, how shallow i was, i feel ashamed of myself.

i'm not going through some quarter life crisis, i just felt sad. we came from the grocery awhile ago and decided to have dinner at this grill in san antonio. this little kid sat beside papa, he just sat there, he wasn't even selling the plastic of peanuts he was holding in his hand. papa asked him how his day was, if he already ate and how many he sold, and he just sat there. raised his three fingers to answer papa's last question. it's not like its the first time i saw a kid like him, i've seen and talked to a lot of them in LB, its just none of them looked as sad as he did. this little boy's face broke my heart. and i looked back at all the chances i had when i could've done something. i could've just spent my debut money on GK, or like mom suggested, asked my guests to donate the gifts to GK, i could've, and it did cross my mind, except i chose to be selfish.

i don't know where this blog is going to, really. i know that tomorrow, my head will be filled with nonsensical crap again. a lot of incidents such as this one touched me, but none of them stayed enough to change me. it's kinda sad, really. i just, i don't know. i really don't.

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