losing my bestfriend

came from the PI field trip. and i know you're supposed to learn all these Rizal stuff. but in the end of the day, the only thing i learned and realized is how much i miss Nikko. It's unbearable we're together the whole day and we haven't said a word to each other. we really were close then. Denise said that if i wanted to make up with him i could've done it a long time ago because really the only person who could make it happen is myself. actually, that's not entirely true, vecause all i was waiting for was an apology. but i guess i'm just partly to blame, i'm a little embarassed because i know i said some bad things. and i know then that whenever i feel as if i did something cruel, he would remind me that he's nikko and that he would never judge me and that he will always understand. but i didn't understand him, i didn't even try and i just know i never will. but i atleast want us to be friends again. when this issue exploded, i didn't go to class for two weeks because i didn't want to see him, not because i was mad, more because i was in pain. because i, too, was his biggest fan. i listened to all his stories, believed everything he said, and in return i told him everything. serious things we never talked about seriously, things we manage to talk about in between doodling and playing Stupid. that's why it hurt when i found out he told gel and not me, but i also realized that if i knew i never would have forgiven him, which is a lie, i know, but i could've hated him sooner which is worse than now.

i miss nikko. i miss how he's such a good friend to me, and i'm sorry i didn't hear his side or atleast try to save the friendship. i wish i could've done things differently. the truth is sometimes i even wish i never found out, i know i could've lived without knowing. i sometimes wish he is still the nikko i thought he was. but it's all done, and i know the only possible thing is wishing that we return to being friends again.