crazy talk

i've been planning to study abroad after college. although the real sure thing is that i will be leaving for canada right after graduation. studying fine arts at UST did cross my mind but i really want to experience studying far away from home and well, UST is and will always be two of my brother's well loved home. after several plans i came up with 'the one', the this-is-it plan. i'd be leaving for canada late april or early may and will be living there a maximum of two months, i will then visit some of my cousins in the states (and go to disneyland!) and then, i will go to paris to study. crazy? i know. I was this excited when i wanted to study at UP, but even that was a suntok sa buwan decision. because 1.) i'm not even in the top of my class and 2.) i'm like in the third class from the star section. my dad bought me this study by yourself book while some of my friends enrolled at MSA. i know even he doubted whether i could pass. but i did, and i'm hoping that this time the angels will work on my side again.

let's go back to the plan. ofcourse when i get there i won't be studying right away. especially since the tuition fee costs a bajillion times more than UP tuition. also because the smallest of apartments costs 650 euros. according to my research, minimum wage would sum up to 3000 euros a month, but the take home pay would only be 2,700 or so. minus the rent, the electricity, the laundry and stuff, you'd only get about 50 to spend daily. what about the supposedly money left for savings? for duh, what i was there for, university? if you really think about it, it's kinda depressing. my dad says i think a lot, and that it's too early to think about it. he said i should atleast be in junior year before i start worrying about studying again. but i'll be in junior year, in less than a week.

i really want to go, i don't want this to be something i wanted at some point in my life. because of this i'm changing a lot of things in my 5 year plan. i've always wanted to graduate early, and i would actually be graduating early compared to the usual 21 year old graduates, i would graduate from college the month i turn 20. so i though it would be okay to study some more, because if i want a masters degree, i'd be done with it by 22 or 23, which is not bad. but i've decided to take another 4-year course. i'd be taking up comparative literature minor in theater and performance or comparative literature. and because i would be working for a year or so, i would be 25 or 26 by the time i graduate. a little old to still be studying, i've always wanted to have my own family by 24. but i really want this, and the course i'm talking about would be under the department of arts and literature and where better to study arts than in france, right? who am i kidding? when i was a little younger i spent half my days plotting how i will meet david beckham, what i will say down to what i will be wearing. and then there was this day when i sort of just hit my head and asked, what was i thinking? it was depressing, to suddenly wake up and realize that you wasted weeks, or a month being delusional. it was also depressing because you know that you'll never meet him, or talk to him. funny as it seems, it's absolutely true about a lot of things in my life. this dream is one of them.

a while ago while i was washing the dishes, ma went inside the kitchen and out of nowhere i asked her if she thinks i'll be able to really study at AUP. she didn't laugh or shake her head, she said we'll work hard for it. she said we have some savings to spend. and i felt extremely sad. my parents are now in the time of their lives where they're starting to save up for themselves, because they're already old and tired. my dad wants to retire already but he's working because i'm still in college and because they also have to have money when they go to canada. and i have no intention of using their money to study again. that's why i had it all planned out, well, not exactly. i've done some computations, and there is no way i can support myself in AUP because it costs a lot. but maybe with a little help from ISLP or other student loan organizations. maybe i can try for scholarship. or you know, just whatever. i hate it when my dad calls me spoiled, because i felt that i worked hard for the things i want and that i pay for half the things i own, but the truth is i have it easy, i have a good life. i am probably just too ecstatic about the thought of studying arts abroad, but i know life will be hard. i already checked some apartments, and some chambre de bonne, and although they're a little bigger than my room, they're not exactly home. i would have to work at starbucks or some cafe, and that's if i'm lucky or if my french doesn't suck. i would be studying and working at the same time. i wouldn't have the luxury to eat good food or to once in a while buy myself something expensive. i would have to make ends meet, and i know that sometimes they wouldn't. i would also suffer from massive loneliness, and knowing noone there i would be all alone in dealing with it.....

....papa's right. i sorta think a lot. i just, i don't know, want this too much. i know if i don't get in, i'd be able to try out for other universities. university of manitoba's okay. but i just really want this one. and i want to make sure i try everything.