Ang Buhay ay Pelikula

had a workshop on review writing yesterday given by Philippine Daily Inquirer columnist Walter Ang. had fun, though i finally realized that in writing it's really prestige over pay. how i crumbled in my seat when i found out how much writers earn, but in the end i still want to write. he said the first trick to get published is to try. to email editors and publishing companies if they still need contributors and to do it for free if they want you to. because really, nothing beats seeing your first byline, it's worth more than a thousand dollars. okay, exaggerated a little. to try again if you get rejected, now that's the big challenge for me, because being ME, i'd probably cry for a week before i try again. haha. loser talaga.

anyway. i'm going to watch Dennis Marasigan's Ang Buhay ay Pelikula staged by the Thespian Circle tonight. i don't know what to expect. I'm going to support my ex sisses and brods. haha!

that's it for now.

oh and yeah, i'm entering a writing contest. yey for me!

icebag baby

icebag week. watched the last day show this sem.
the thing with icebag is that it's fun, i couldn't stop laughing while i watch but i never go home happy. the walk home is always spent in silence.

Ma'am Layeta Bucoy is a goddess, icebags are always the plays to watch if you want quotable quotes and scenes that stay. "galit ako sa aking mga labi, dahil mahina sila" galing, dba? it's like milan kundera, only in tagalog. along the play i couldn't help looking at ehm, who's sitting beside me and say, "galing ni ma'am Lallie"

nonsensical stuffs

i want to dance. i want to sing. i want to strip into a bikini and feel the hot puerto sand under my skin. i want heat and i want to go so bad. ofcourse it is possible, i've got a very small problem though. my parents won't let me. who would blame them? boys, beach and beer, now that's a bad combination, a formula for an unwanted future. hahaha. but i'm a good girl, really, i just want to go for the sun and, well, the sand. that's not too bad. a little fun won't do a good girl bad, right? and everybody's going. except me. i should've gotten used to this scenario, but no, i'm still hopeful that they won’t ask questions, just nod their heads and open their wallets. oh joy. wishful thinking.

enough of puerto talk. i gave up my tickets for the atROCKtion concert because i'm trying to save up some of my allowance. so goodbye parokya and all you other bands. ima stay home and do my report like a good student should.

oh but i'm not a good student. a few hours ago i was talking with kuya rey, and well he's still running (more like brisk walking he said) for laude. and i'm gliding my way to dismissal. hahaha!! anyway, why can't i work harder? i can do better than a 1.9 gwa. i could run for laude too, if i atleast pay more attention to my studies than to my sleeping. But I can never seem to have the motivation to study. oh but anyway way, kuya rey got this 'ur halimaw' look when i told him i got 1.75 in HUM1 under ma'am Layeta Bucoy. i try not to show it, but i guess that sorta pulls my self esteem up. because like Chui said, Bucoy's the shit. she's the goddess of literature. oh and how i cried as i finished her take home exam because i was so afraid of insulting her intelligence by coming up with a mediocre crap. but i passed, and i did so much more than pass, i got a 1.75 and apparently for Bucoy, i must be a little good enough. maybe i could be a palanca awardee too. haha!! pushing my luck a bit here. But really, it means a lot to find out that not many gets a high grade from bucoy. Someone from batch 05 got 1.25, now that’s amazing. She’s in a goddess training for all I know. I’m jealous. Argh.

read Nikko's eulogy. almost cried. he's a good writer, well, better than me. haha. i have a knack for flushing my self-esteem down the drain, but he really is better.

anyway. gotta go, got a meeting with my SOC130 classmates about our report tomorrow. and ima drag my feet to vega because i don't want to go. there's nothing else i'd rather do than to stay home and write. oh yeah, manuod ng atROCKtion. ah, why is everything so depressing. i don't get what i'm saying dammit. got to go.

of palanca awards and jealousy

so minutes after posting today's blog entry, i'm writing again. all because i'm all crimson with jealousy. i'm googling palanca awardees, searching for short stories and poetries.

dean alfar's the shit, though i really don't know if he won again this year just that he won the grand prize and other 9 palanca awards from the past years. dammit. i'm just sooo, well, jealous. i'm going to try, one of these days, when i'm good enough. i promise myself that i will try. and if i fail, i won't do a 'tisa' and sulk, i will try again. because i want to write and i want to prove to myself that i can be good at it. i'm going to be like dean alfar, and i'm going to marry my own nikki. ok that doesn't make sense. i want to write!!!

following my breadcrumbs before the birds start chowing

i was reminded of hans christian andersen's tinderbox, where the tree was being guarded by two dogs with eyes the size of cups. saan pa? sa thea 107 class. hahaha. okaaay?!

i'm wallowing in sadness a little bit longer, drowning myself with ideas of things to write about, because this'll be the last time i'll write about you. (weh?) everyone was giving me this confused look whenever i justify the things i do with 'i'm following my breadcrumbs' line. but i am. simply because someone was blunt enough to painfully thrust the words into my heart. (how corny that sounded.) because everyone else was telling me to hold on, to wait a little longer and someone told me to just get it over with, to get out of this hole i'm stuck in because i don't deserve it. i guess it really means a lot when someone tells me that i don't deserve this mess i'm in, i kinda feel like i'm worth something. i don't expect my breadcrumbs to lead me somewhere happy, but atleast to some place better than this, some place where things are a little less painful. it doesn't help that i'm a masochist, i love pain, i love writing about it. infact i feel as if i've mastered the art of melancholy, that's why i tolerate pain and awkward silences that means a million hurtful words, because sadness is the most beautiful thing i could ever write about. because tears are inks and broken hearts are clean slates awaiting another sad, poetic entry.

i'm giving it all away now. i'm going to be one hell of a writer, sinking in buckets of tears or not. i'm going to write about misty morning walks and stoplight conversations. exchange of i love yous with my favorite beatles song on the background. happy stuffs.

and all because i have this one really good friend. thank you. i've said it a million times just now, but what the heck i really am that thankful.

balikbayans and twister fries

this is me. or maybe it's more appropriate to say that this is what i have become. i don't hate it, doesn't mean i don't like it either. i'm more focused on being happy now, i don't get it, really, when they say that happiness is a choice. i just don't quite understand, do you wake up in the morning and tell yourself that you're going to be happy, and everything goes your way? things just don't work out like that. it's not always all in the mind. sometimes, it's in the heart too and that's what makes it more complicated.

anyway, it's twister fries season. fun and fat in the same sentence, now that just aint right!

cousins went home from the states last week. get to hang out with little nieces, Jaymie and Nicole. Cousin Marissa got married last saturday at St. James in Ayala Alabang, reception was at Vivere. guess how much weight i gained. (i loathe being just like everybody else, conscious about how fat im getting.) went swimming at pansol today.

i'm seriously dying to meet my nephew, Nathan and niece, Danica. ofcourse March will be a special month for me, because i will turn 18. but Nathan being home, my brother being home, it's just, sooo perfect. i miss them all so much.

ces is home from ohio too. and we had a reunion last week. we had one too last night but i was at the wedding. family comes first. anyway, got nothing else to say. now that's first.

i don't like you anymore.

Oh and I hate you. I didn’t think it’s possible, but I do. Because you don’t care enough to notice how I care. It’s because the people who are always around don’t get credit for staying, because they’re always there. And that’s how things are with you. You tend to forget about the people who cares most. To you, it’s about the special people and the acquaintances, I’m somewhere in between drifting from one category to another. And I really want to know where I stand, because I get tired too. those who say that when you love you don’t get tired don’t know anything about it. because it’s exhausting, it’s exhausting to try to be a friend to someone whom you want to be more than friends with, it’s hard to care, to be there all the time, to struggle with the right words only to feel insignificant, it’s exhausting to wait for nothing, it’s exhausting to keep on hoping that the fates would change their mind. I’m tired. And I’m lonely.

I don’t know what I really want. I guess I just need you to acknowledge me being there. Or maybe I just need to forget you and get this over with.

of heartbreaks and friendship.

chase and pat broke up. chase has been going on and on about how he's okay about it. for those who doesn't know him, siguro nga. because to me, he seems lost. i don't know, caught up with trying to be happy and trying to release the emotions all at the same time maybe. being a friend does not require you to know the things to say, does it? because if it does, then i sure failed. i'm struggling with comforts, i'm lost for words. naguguluhan din ako, should i let him wallow in sadness? or should i make him forget? i don't know how to be a good friend, i've always felt that being around is enough. oh but i guess he needs more than that. but what exactly does he need?
i've been walking with him twice since last night, should i initiate talking about 'it'. i figured that if he wanted to talk about it, then he'd probably start the conversation, pero wala eh, so i assumed that he doesn't want to talk about it. atleast not with me.

they wrote about how we should help our girlfriends cope with heartbreaks, guys get their hearts broken too, oh but that's the story never told.

battling ignorance

Frequent National Bookstore visitors will notice that the fiction section has grown inexcusably smaller. I find it terribly annoying that some Filipinos have very little interest in literature. Though love for books often starts at home, I think that it is also the school’s responsibility to bring their students closer to the enchanting world of words. I wasn’t blessed with a good literature teacher back in highschool, in fact I studied subject verb agreement year after year for four years. And honestly, It was a time badly wasted. (I envied my father’s kopong-kopong stories about what he learned from school, they read Edgar Allan Poe’s, Beuwolf’s and such.) I know for a fact that if we don’t do anything to stop it, the next generation will be dumber, less and less imaginative and dim-witted, thanks to the system of education, thanks to elementary and highschool teachers that teaches by the book and never by the words of Tolstoy and all them great. Back to National Bookstore, going through my usual browsing I observed that the classics, such as Hemmingway’s A Farewell to Arms, Harper Lee’s How to Kill A Mockingbird are now below 200 pesos. And I could only think of two reasons, two reasons that will either raise our hope for literacy among our unfortunate generation or prepare us for the downfall of the already sagging education. That they surprisingly lowered the prices to reach out to the financially poor lovers of a good read, or because literature is simply no longer of high value, that they are collecting dust in bookshelves full of expensive newer, sexier novels, that there is no other way to dispose them but to cut it’s real value. i would love to be able to talk to my children and hear them bragging about how they are receiving a better education that of that I received. Education should be improved by time, and yet it is always the opposite. When I was in high school, I asked one of my classmates if he has read this short story by Nick Joaquin, and he doesn’t even know him. I am ashamed of our lack of knowledge for these things, how do I expect kids my age to know H.G. Wells, if they don’t even know our national artist. People don’t feel ashamed that they don’t know about these great people and their equally great works, because everyone seems to not know it. Ignorance has become ordinary that everyone seem to think it’s cool, people who read and people who journey into the modern utopia become freaks. so I guess I’m a freak, then again so what?

ONE TREE HILL

I could almost do as I wish when I found out that mark has a “One tree Hill” dvd, all I need to do is reach over and strangle him. I had waited so long for this moment to come, sweet long hours of being stranded in the sofa, a bowl of chips close by, with Chad, oh Chad, on my screen. But the summer was almost through then and it was really late for me to start watching the whole season. But noone’s going to stop me from fulfilling my summer goal-to have a One Tree Hill marathon. But Mark, self-acclaimed Chad Michael Murray look alike won’t give it away without a fight. Oh he tried to battle with me, all right. In exchange for season 1 is a semester of math17. my answer-no way! Uh-uh! Unless ofcourse the deal was math 17 and I’d get Chad, fuh real! Haha. but he let me borrow it anyway. The first night was a long night, I couldn’t stop watching until 3 am, if I haven’t switched the tv off-grudgingly, the morning crow would have tucked me to sleep himself. One Tree Hill has always been about Chad for me, and now James Lafferty has joined the picture. Haha. I don’t know what it is with these series, they’re so addicting. It’s nice to watch somebody else’s (fictional fellas) lives, when you don’t have one, right? Anyway, Peyton’s hair reminds me so much of Pancit Canton. Not that it’s relevant, really. I used to hate Brooke, somehow it was Peyton’s character that reached deep into me. Not only am I fan of her artworks, but I am a big fan of her breaking stereotypes. Ofcourse she’s a cheerleader slut but other than that, I don’t see anything cheerleader-y in her. After a few more episodes, I learned to love Brooke as well. There is a certain sadness in her that I can relate to. She always feel as if something is missing, and I think that we all get that feeling when we’re lying in bed, thinking. Oh and it really hurts to find out that the only man you’ve ever loved loves your bestfriend, and as if that’s enough, the bestfriend loves him back. Too much drama! Haley and Nathan, now that’s my favorite couple. Lucas is good, but really he’s got to make a decision, and that’s what Nathan did. And isn’t it every girls dream for a man to leave his tainted past for a future with a tutor girl. Really, that’s pretty amazing. Now Karen, Karen is hot! For a mom, I mean. I really like her relationship with Lucas, it’s really more of a friendship. Keith is okay, and I really don’t have anymore to say about him. Dan is a loser, he’s pure evil from the very start. Sometimes I wonder if there is any good bone in his body. I don’t have anything to say about Deb. Oh and Jake, Jake’s hot! I really think that he deserves Peyton, they’re good for each other. They have this great, great chemistry that I can’t explain. And Jake having Jenny makes him even hotter. It would be nice if he and Peyton ends up together, but I don’t know I kinda like Lucas and Peyton to end up together too. Mouth, or Marvin Mcfadden-is hot in personality. He’s a really good little brother (Haha!). And I’m really sure that I like it if it’s him and Brooke in the end. As for the other characters- I have not much to say. Actually I have a lot to say. They’re just not that important. Obviously-I’m hooked! So are the others who devoted their time to One Tree Hill Marathons, namely Mark, Gel and Chase. It’s really crazy, the other day we were on the One Tree Hill fansite, is that embarrassing or what? Haha. Anyway, we were just checking out the episodes we haven’t watched yet. Rumor has it that Lucas dies in the end, because he’s suffering from HGM and Haley dies too, I just don’t know why, maybe while delivering the baby or something. Wikepedia gives a rather different information. Oh, I don’t know. I guess we just to have to wait and see. I was telling them the other day that my life kinda starts right when the opening song starts, one tree hill has become air for me. Haha! Anyway, with a lot of things filling up my schedule I can’t find the time for tree hill marathons. And I’m dying to find out what happens next!! Hay.

whatever. whatever.

i have sir Joey for my thea107 class, which is a bummer because it would be so much fun, like icebag every monday and wednesday but he's not going to direct our production. so really, so much for the excitement. i'm not saying that i'm not thrilled to be working with sir Rufo, it's just i really want to know how sir Joey works. he said on our first class, "strive for perfection, so that if you do not attain it, you would be somewhere close" or something to that effect. there is a certain respect demanded by UP professors. not literally demanded, but i guess i always figured they deserve it, it's hard proving yourself to a class where half the students believe themselves to be better than you. i respect Sir Joey Vargas, as much as i respect the likes of ma'am Bucoy and sir Dumlao, because in every class they show you that they are better, but only for now, they are open to the possibility that time will come and you'll be so much better. and that they are a part of that painstaking process.

anyway, no classes yesterday. LAGUNA DAY. yey. anyway, Gel, Chase, Mark, Teej and I went to Paseo de Sta. Rosa, to have coffee. ha-ha. we went all the way there from Los Banos, just to have coffee. Gel bringing her car definitely made life easier. we hung out til 1 then we drove off to Tagaytay, and did nothing, we just drove. reached Laeuna de Taal, then drove again. arrived back at elbi by 3:30 and then Gel slept over. Elbi life without Bop is hard, i still can't believe she's in Diliman. i was so looking forward to 4 years together. i miss her so bad.

tuesday was a gloomy day. monday was so hooot, i was sweating like a construction worker, i bet i smelled like one too-so much for my first day, huh? but tuesday felt like december. and we were all stuck at home, watching korean movies. i love it anyway! no bonding like korean marathons. no love stories like korean romance movies. they know

after classes, Gel and i hung out. she'd definitely be hanging out at the apartment more than usual, and i know how hard it is for her that she doesn't have Bop back in her dorm. anyway, after that we had dinner at westbrook, her treat. and then we went star gazing, where? where else, freedom park. it was fun, i haven't really talked to her for the longest time. i guess i missed her too.

i have PE tomorrow. aeroboxing. i always find new ways to embarass myself. how great!

home sweet home

feelings: the comeback. whatever it means. to those who knows, this is a no brainer. to M.E. this is a new way to torture myself. anyway, i sooo love elbi. it's nice to be back home. i can almost smell proven from way up here. ha-ha. i'm welcoming sleepless nights and bitter movie marathons. it's only june, and already we can't help but plan our christmas party as if it is the reason our parents sent us here. at some point i know i'm going to condemn my lack of beauty sleep, or a 5 minute nap even. but right now, i'm still enjoying the thought, and i can already taste a drop of a strong coffee. i could almost feel the touch of elbi wind across my face and i could almost taste the famous raymundo proven.

i love elbi. so so much.

hollywood stars for the night

last night was B-an's debut. i have to travel all the way to Diliman from Binan. met up first with Bop in megamall, strolling in my pink tube dress. haha! it's my first debut without the three guys, but i enjoyed it anyway. and i think that the party would've turned out to be completely different if they were there. they didn't even know that i went, i wonder if we're having a falling out. nah. i don't think so.

the theme of B-an's debut is hollywood, so we had these name tags with hollywood stars' names in it. i am Rachel Bilson. Bop is Tyra Banks. Hazel, Sarah Jessica Parker. Jax is Ellen Degeneres. Gel, Julia Roberts and Diego is Elijah Wood. twas cool. i had fun. but in the middle of the dancing, my face started to itch real bad. we thought it was the make up, because for the first time, Bop bought this really cheap blush-on. but then again i also have this spots on my back, so it can't be the make up. another theory is that it's the rum in the tiramisu of which i had a big slice of. or the flowers. we're not sure actually, the red spots are gone after 30mins anyway.

hung out at starbucks in tomas morato before heading home. we have to fit in Diego's crv, all 6 of us + his driver. i was asleep the whole ride home. and i was awake until 5:30 am. haha! studying for my NASC4 exam, or not.

sleepless friday

lately i've been having no time for friends, because the production is so time consuming. Bop hates me for cancelling another lunch date. and i super hate myself too. but what i've committed to requires my presence and full attention. i mean, i myself gets so tired sometimes, but it is really satisfying. as ma'am JC said, theater is addicting!

it's 3 am and i still can't grasp the concept of 'sleep'. i mean the only reason i force myself to surrender into my pillows is because i have to. i no longer need coffee, unless of course i'm studying sosc1 (spell BORING) haha!

it doesn't help that bum is insomniac, it means i have an instant companion for midnights like this. or that chris aka morris in Pagbulas ng Sibol can't sleep either. or that i simply can't lose myself in a deep slumber. it was a long day but i don't seem tired at all. i came to the point wherein i feel as if sleeping means getting robbed of time supposedly for something productive.

oh well, ima work on my nasc4 take home exam. or not.

catching up

i've obviously been busy, the production has been filling up my sched. i lack sleep, food intake and time for pleasure. there are nights, midnights even, when i could just rain dennis gupa with all the possible profanities there is in this world. but then again, i so love pagbulas ng sibol.

i was so occupied that i wasn't able to write about my birthday, of which i had 3 parties. one from the apartment people + bop + gel +bian. one from my thespian circle family and one really green (literally) party from my girlfriends (sooo lesbian-haha!).

or about Bop's debut, which took so much effort since we have to rent a driver and pay a lot for the gas. and how from Bop's debut we went straight to Romjulea's debut in pasig, even though her real birthday is not until july. anyway, i love my blue dress which kuya paolo payed for, for a whopping 1,something. it's so simple, barbie like, body-hugging spag strap from sari sari.

bop, gel and i had a lunch date in bonitos. somehow, bonitos, always remind me of the three boys and that night when i had my superman hair. i know not why though, just that i do.

also that kuya rammil arrived last wednesday and we only have been together last sunday because i have to go back to Los Banos, and it's his retreat in Baguio. i was expecting a now blonde brother, but it's not as gold as we all expected it to be. he picked me up from my second play date in ruins. he was with two of his friends from singapore, and all four of us + eme had our dinner in iziz.

other than this, i mostly hang out at ruins. meddling with the props. having conversations with the other backstage people. getting all 'chums' with actors. trying hard not to look too sleepy. and trying harder not to feel sleepy.