Sometimes I want to ask you if you feel neglected, because I do. When I ask you if you're listening and you tell me "no" you never bother to ask what it was I was talking about. And yet I listen to you still, I have no right to throw it at you because I do not listen out of responsibility but out of love. It's just sometimes I wish you'd listen to me too.

Everyday you tell me about him and all your theories and thoughts about him but not once did you ask me how I'm feeling. Yes, I roll my eyes and play dead but don't I always say I will never tire of your problems even if you've told it to me a million times in the span of a month. You're so sensitive of other people's feelings and yet so insensitive of mine. I guess it's hard to gauge how I feel, seeing that I'm so moody lately. But of all people you should understand, I am so demanding of your attention the same way you are of Chase's. It's because you're all I have. At the end of a very bad day, you're the first person I text, the first person I expect to comfort me and you never failed me with that. Twice have I felt harassed by professors, and on both instances, you were there to pick up the pieces. I hate myself for asking too much, for being so selfish. But I have my reasons, yours is the only attention I demand of, and it's not as simple as because Chase has disappointed me much in the past but because, again, you're all I have. And it's not a matter of having no choice but because being that I have no boyfriend, you are the most special person in my life.

In the end, guilt will haunt me to sleep. You are a good friend after all. And I forgive, because don't I always? But you know memory is the most prominent of all concepts in my life and so because I live by remembering, I never forget. So tomorrow, or later I will be okay, we will be okay. But the next time this happens, I will tread our way home in silence, again. And feel just as bad as I do now.

Because my article is finally done.

I realize that all day long I listen to your stories, to your endless theories, even to your worries if your chickens have food in country story. And then I talk about worrying about my article and halfway I stop and ask if you’re listening and realize you’re not. I realize whenever I tell you something I have to always check whether you're listening, because most of the time you're not. Sometimes you tell me you feel unappreciated, and I try hard not to be so self-absorbed like all Leos and never tell you, but I do too. At least the men you love at some point loved you back. I never had the same fate. I mean I only really loved two, just a quarter compared to you. With Chase, although i have nothing bad to say about him except having hurt me so much in the past, I am without good words to say about it too. Not once have I felt needed, or my presence appreciated. The same goes with Mark, who will continue to live despite my existence, or inexistence. I also realize I shouldn't complain, after all thanks to you I sometimes feel fine with the fact that I am alone. Because I feel we're in it together. I don't feel the need for a boyfriend whenever you surprise me with mashed potatoes and BLT whenever I'm lonely, or with hokaido dome (our favorite) whenever you promise you'd come to LB early and didn't, or when we sing El Scorcho out loud. It's just today I feel you don't listen to me enough. And I know I have a tendency to talk way too much, but still. I mean I already feel I don't have enough friends who care enough. I shouldn't feel this way about you. You are my best friend, after all.

date with gelly

i had a date with gel yesterday. and although it would first seem solely for looking for a perfect gift for quincy, and pigging out-i had fun! we were supposed to watch The Other Boleyn Girl, but it's not showing at the Greenbelt and Glorietta cinemas. we also weren't able to buy Quincy a gift but we were able to eat til we bloat.


eating is my guilty pleasure. and even though i went on and on about how fat i am and how much i want to lose a few pounds with gelly, i enjoyed everything. the roastbeef sandwich-i love the potato in it too. the Rockwich that i didn't get to finish. the flamango smoothie. and the lychee champagne. hmmm.. and i didn't even feel guilty. it was the perfect date gelly.


we went by A Different Bookstore. i usually love being enclosed in shelves and shelves of books, like in fullybooked. but i love how it feels in A Different Bookstore even though it's small. Gel bought a book on love. Actually that's the title - On Love. i resisted buying Gregory Maguire's Wicked. but i swear i'll buy it before the summer ends.

yown lang.

goodnight world.

nikko to the rescue. as always.
i guess he feels obliged to check up on me every once in a while. i know i have a tendency to be a bit of a mess and that i'm not the best person to take care of myself, haha, but is it that obvious?
i love my friends. i feel good now. especially since me and the girls bonded for a while.

i can't sleep. tj's still not home. gel's still not home (she's going to sleep here) and well, i can't sleep.

whatever. whatever.

i have sir Joey for my thea107 class, which is a bummer because it would be so much fun, like icebag every monday and wednesday but he's not going to direct our production. so really, so much for the excitement. i'm not saying that i'm not thrilled to be working with sir Rufo, it's just i really want to know how sir Joey works. he said on our first class, "strive for perfection, so that if you do not attain it, you would be somewhere close" or something to that effect. there is a certain respect demanded by UP professors. not literally demanded, but i guess i always figured they deserve it, it's hard proving yourself to a class where half the students believe themselves to be better than you. i respect Sir Joey Vargas, as much as i respect the likes of ma'am Bucoy and sir Dumlao, because in every class they show you that they are better, but only for now, they are open to the possibility that time will come and you'll be so much better. and that they are a part of that painstaking process.

anyway, no classes yesterday. LAGUNA DAY. yey. anyway, Gel, Chase, Mark, Teej and I went to Paseo de Sta. Rosa, to have coffee. ha-ha. we went all the way there from Los Banos, just to have coffee. Gel bringing her car definitely made life easier. we hung out til 1 then we drove off to Tagaytay, and did nothing, we just drove. reached Laeuna de Taal, then drove again. arrived back at elbi by 3:30 and then Gel slept over. Elbi life without Bop is hard, i still can't believe she's in Diliman. i was so looking forward to 4 years together. i miss her so bad.

tuesday was a gloomy day. monday was so hooot, i was sweating like a construction worker, i bet i smelled like one too-so much for my first day, huh? but tuesday felt like december. and we were all stuck at home, watching korean movies. i love it anyway! no bonding like korean marathons. no love stories like korean romance movies. they know

after classes, Gel and i hung out. she'd definitely be hanging out at the apartment more than usual, and i know how hard it is for her that she doesn't have Bop back in her dorm. anyway, after that we had dinner at westbrook, her treat. and then we went star gazing, where? where else, freedom park. it was fun, i haven't really talked to her for the longest time. i guess i missed her too.

i have PE tomorrow. aeroboxing. i always find new ways to embarass myself. how great!

vanity attack!

monday lunch date with bop and gel, spent P180 for a meal. grr! im supposed to be saving money for bop's debut and my trip to uste, but i so love food! anyway, the three of us we're supposed to see each other again in math class later this afternoon, which is great because 2hour lunch dates doesn't quite make it. but math class was canceled. whoopy for me! it means no friggin billy sison, and more time to read othello, which is not really that much fun but i really should be done with it by tonight. yey! puyat mode ulit. coffee. wee!

selle, weng, tine and i went to the rooftop and i brought along with me my Othello book, but it just lied there, overlooked and unloved. haha! with our chapped lips we were singing, accompanied by weng's guitar, we were singing so loud that our voices were probably heard in the first floor. i am quite baffled as to why it's so cold here in elbi. is it usually cold this time of the year? it feels like we're in baguio.

vanity attack, there's no stopping it. we took tons of photos to wrap up the rooftop event. haha!

twas fun, ofcourse. even though if someone happens to pass by the dirt road we'd look totally foolish, and, well, uh, vain. anyway, later tonight we'll be celebrating kuya karl's bday. yey! lots and lots of food. ok, i should be readin othello by now. gotta go be productive.

Friends

spent the better half of my first day of the week by having lunch at ludy's with college bestfriends, Gel and Bop. we watched friends at 'crib' afterwards. twas a good series finale, but i am not so much of a ross-rachel fan as i am of joey and rachel. pretty weird, huh? anyway, it will be another sleepless night because i am going to finish my speech tonight. ooh, i'm so proud of how well i procrastinate. haha!