another moheeecaaaaaah amp day

i've been having a lot of bad days lately. but this is by far the worst. guess why? moheeeecaaaaa!
i'm so pissed off. i'm emotionally and mentally drained. i can't stop bawling. i sooo hate this day.

and it's so selfish, i know, but i've been wanting tj to be home so i can talk to him. gel picked me up from ncas and i come home to ehm, and i talked to them both. i cried to mark and selle too, it's just different when it's tj. i was used to coming home to him on bad days like this one. and i guess i have to accept the fact that im not the center of the world. i can't expect my friends to gather round me and listen to me cry whenever moheeeca is having a bitch fit. but im just not strong enough to face it on my own. i don't understand why someone like me who was raised to be otherwise could have such a faint heart.

i've probably dehydrated myself from crying too much. im so scared to lose my energy for the christmas party later, but im okay now. i guess i gotta start trying to depend on myself more.

anyway, merry christmas loves. sana masaya ang party na to! <3

goodnight world.

nikko to the rescue. as always.
i guess he feels obliged to check up on me every once in a while. i know i have a tendency to be a bit of a mess and that i'm not the best person to take care of myself, haha, but is it that obvious?
i love my friends. i feel good now. especially since me and the girls bonded for a while.

i can't sleep. tj's still not home. gel's still not home (she's going to sleep here) and well, i can't sleep.

fowta moheeeeecah!

i had the worst day!
2 hours of sleep. 19 hours of no food. how worse can my day possibly get? worst. mojica's class.
i can spend an entire blog entry ranting about him, but then again, i'm already pissed off as it is.
i was expecting something good to happen. it would be really nice if i have someone to make my day better, or atleast a little okay. i don't know, i guess it's kinda selfish wanting more. i already have good friends. and no, i don't have a few good friends. perhaps a score, or more. denise brought me a burger. tine, a strawberry (yes, A strawberry-isa lang!) tas gel hugged me and yeah i really love gel-hugs.

i was planning to write about my trips to the library, but it's supposed to be a jolly entry. so not today.
i had such a baaaaaaad day. and wallowing in self-pity probably made it worse. i saw tj earlier today and i was dying for a hug, boo-hugs make my day less unbearable, and tj is my hugmachine. but i was in such a hurry. hay.
anyway, the day's still not over, i still have a few more hours left.

somebody please make me happy!
(oh, jin did, early this morning. but even that can't last the day)

long entry ahead

this sem was the fastest ever, but i constantly felt the need for it to end. everything was so tiring, mostly because of the play. other than that, everything else was just plain complicated. i'm beginning to love that word, complicated. it sums up everything that's been going on with my life lately. haha! anyway, when i finally felt the semester dawning, how i wish i could pull back time so i could have a few more moments at the apartment, a few more bonding sessions with my housemates. but i guess, i needed the break as well. everything is in such a fast pace that i feel in dire need of something to stop me from running over everything.

this morning, in the shower, i kept repeating my speech over and over again. this is about the nth time i've done it. i'm good at writing the things i want to tell him, but no, i lack the courage to say 'em. sure, we've been talking more and more each day now, i've got this silly hope that soon we'll be back to the friends we were. but i miss our silences, i miss when we talk with our hearts for what our words won't be able to say. i miss a lot of things. but i've no intention of bringing em back now. i just want to completely get over everything. tj, of all people should understand. if there is anyone who knew everything i went through, it's him, but i guess it's hard to understand such a selfish decision. i'm crazy. i should stop writing about it, it only gives me a documented proof of how stupid i am. i won't move on. so i guess i'm only saying, that i'm going to stop trying. dammit. i'm so fickle minded.

anyway, i've got the whole sembreak planned out. i should be able to finish atleast 3 classics, i'm choosing between 2 shakespeare comedies, hg wells' time machine and modern utopia or beuwolf. hmmm. wadya think? i've got about 30 korean movies to finish, haha! crazy, right? i was actually watching my girl and i last night. man, i cried in the first scene. them damn koreans know how to make a lonely girl like me feel deprived. the line was "su ho still can't forget you. his brain is tiny, but it's filled with thoughts about you. let go of my friend, please." and this line was being screamed into the sea, to a girl who's been dead for 10 years already. su ho was obviously stuck, it made me cringe more. with jealousy i guess. i'd exchange any intelligent guy for one who'd love me 10 years after i die.
the other day i stayed up until 4 am, talking to joseph when he was supposedly studying for math. we talked about selle. i hit him hard with the pillow everytime he say something nice. because i feel lonely. because all the time i was sitting there beside him, i was thinking how much i wish i was sitting there with someone else, and that someone else telling me nice things too. i get so desperate sometimes. can't help but remember my dad, he told me a month ago ata, that i shouldn't get too desperate, all i have to do is wait because i deserve a prince daw. touching, ha? my dad thinks i'm a princess, i can't even have a damned beggar tas he thinks i'll be able to snag myself a prince. perhaps the shining armor. but not the prince. haha!

not everything's been going fine. but i always had something to hold on to, it's the thought that when it's not okay, then it's probably not the end. diba? it makes sense to me, and it keeps me strong.

i miss writing. like really writing. i mean, i write, but not as well as i think i can. i don't know what happened. papa kept pushing, it's okay when he does, i feel as if i'm not pushed enough to work harder. growing up, i always felt that i was competing with him. ofcourse i never could win, but i love the feeling of defeat, i love that he always know the meaning of the words i throw at him, i love that he keeps reiterating how his vocabulary got so wide, i love his stories about his childhood, about lola who was an english public school teacher. i love it because i always feel that there's more i can do to improve. i guess that's why i started this blog, i don't feel challenged writing in english, but i can only write about one emotion in such a way that it becomes almost like a figment, like a shadow luring at every black and white photo, embracing a widower's cold shoulders over her husbands grave, enveloping a mother in her third miscarriage. see? only one emotion. sadness. i need to write about others things too.

bes is here in elbi. :)

whatever. whatever.

i have sir Joey for my thea107 class, which is a bummer because it would be so much fun, like icebag every monday and wednesday but he's not going to direct our production. so really, so much for the excitement. i'm not saying that i'm not thrilled to be working with sir Rufo, it's just i really want to know how sir Joey works. he said on our first class, "strive for perfection, so that if you do not attain it, you would be somewhere close" or something to that effect. there is a certain respect demanded by UP professors. not literally demanded, but i guess i always figured they deserve it, it's hard proving yourself to a class where half the students believe themselves to be better than you. i respect Sir Joey Vargas, as much as i respect the likes of ma'am Bucoy and sir Dumlao, because in every class they show you that they are better, but only for now, they are open to the possibility that time will come and you'll be so much better. and that they are a part of that painstaking process.

anyway, no classes yesterday. LAGUNA DAY. yey. anyway, Gel, Chase, Mark, Teej and I went to Paseo de Sta. Rosa, to have coffee. ha-ha. we went all the way there from Los Banos, just to have coffee. Gel bringing her car definitely made life easier. we hung out til 1 then we drove off to Tagaytay, and did nothing, we just drove. reached Laeuna de Taal, then drove again. arrived back at elbi by 3:30 and then Gel slept over. Elbi life without Bop is hard, i still can't believe she's in Diliman. i was so looking forward to 4 years together. i miss her so bad.

tuesday was a gloomy day. monday was so hooot, i was sweating like a construction worker, i bet i smelled like one too-so much for my first day, huh? but tuesday felt like december. and we were all stuck at home, watching korean movies. i love it anyway! no bonding like korean marathons. no love stories like korean romance movies. they know

after classes, Gel and i hung out. she'd definitely be hanging out at the apartment more than usual, and i know how hard it is for her that she doesn't have Bop back in her dorm. anyway, after that we had dinner at westbrook, her treat. and then we went star gazing, where? where else, freedom park. it was fun, i haven't really talked to her for the longest time. i guess i missed her too.

i have PE tomorrow. aeroboxing. i always find new ways to embarass myself. how great!