First Sem Over

My semester is finally over. Contrary to my expectations, it was one of my hardest. I thought a production-free semester would mean I’d also be free from stress and strenuous workshops, but it turned out otherwise. Although hard, it is also a fun-filled semester. I remembered putting a list next to my bed of times Pen skipped class, times Chase got drunk, times I wished I were somewhere else, and genuinely happy times. I forgot all about it, because those are times in countless doses. I am extremely happy to be a semester away from graduation (and real life) but also extremely sad to be leaving behind a lot of people and a lot of good times here in LB Paradise. Here are some of the reasons why this sem is special:

• ENG106 – this is my one chance to expose my sentimental, over-emotional writing. It was also, supposedly, a venue to start my thesis. And so I was disappointed at first, to find that sir Caloi has decided we study poetry instead of short story writing. But I’ve grown so much as a writer through this class. And even finished a suite of poems, which by the way sir Caloi says is one of the best in class. This is an ego-boosting, feel-good, i-don’t-care-if-i-take-again class.

• Faustina’s – I remember uno nights at Café Antonio, Citrus Crème and Spamwich at Boston, Good ol’ Ham bonnet at Ristretto but nothing beats Faustina’s. Because 1.) Cheap, but good coffee 2.) Expensive, but good ribs 3.) Nice staff (I like nice people and good service) 4.) Clean, homey bathroom 5.) Classy royal purple walls and artsy interior 6.) Princess Gelly. I realized I went there once or twice at least in a week, but that I haven’t gone there without Gelly with me. Our pseudo-intellectual discussions of books and movies take place here. We spend hours, twice for five hours here. Faustina is next to home in LB.

• El Scorcho – Our (my, Chase’s and Gelly’s) bestfriend song. Weezer or Dashboard version, whichever. Chase and Gel are my new happy pills. I need them around, even if it means getting teased about being fat incessantly, to keep me sane. I love them both and our efforts to make time for each other.

• PANTAS – I know, I’ve been really busy with Gel and my “me time” so much that I’ve failed to do my job right. I also have been so inactive for the past months. But I love Pantas and I enjoy myself whenever we have to get together for a folio launch or an orientation, or whatever. Just not execom meetings, pleeaaase.

• Housemates – We now have beds, yes congratulations are in order. The house is messier than ever, but it’s not like we care. The whole place looks like a laundry room and cockroaches have now found a new home in our apartment. Sadako still lives in the bathroom, but is now free to roam the living room as well. And manang still resides under the kitchen sink and is now stealing dvds and pony tails too. But I will not exchange this paradise for Paris. No, not the movie nights, or the countless moments of nonsense laughter, or lunch at Tita’s, or inside jokes. This will forever be home to me.

Now that I think of it. Leaving doesn’t sound so good. Yes, the list of times and reasons why I wish I am somewhere else may outnumber these, but here when I am happy, I really am happy. Most people would spend a lifetime finding where they belong, and I know I say I belong somewhere else, but I think maybe this is it.

on trying and gaining back my bestfriend

Sir Piocos read my concept paper and poem in class today. He said my entry about how I came up with the concept was much better and more sincere than my poem. That it was actually more poetic. It was actually more of a dear diary thing and I was afraid he’d say how teeny-bopper it was, haha! But he liked it at least, said it was mature and well, poetic. He’s not a fan of the poem though. Ugh.

So anyway, I think it’s about time I make time for writing. Something well though of but not trying too hard. Shit before this semester ends I have to atleast be chosen once for the best poem, im so tired of waiting for MY time. I have to make it happen. Demmit.

Which brings me to Monday night talk with Chase Isip. Funny how we can talk now like we used to when we were still bestfriends-bestfriends. And I had the longest discussion with him about me trying to actually get this guy, and when I couldn’t stress the point why it’s so important for me to try, I just had to tell him. So I did. Mark and I debated on this almost everyday for what, two weeks now. Because I see no point in telling him what’s already passed, Mark says I should just for the heck of it. And now Chase and I are sharing one too many laughs about it. And when I look back, I realize it is funny. Brought us closer I guess. And now he understands, how when it was during his time I never once tried to make him love me, that whenever girls would come to his life I would shut up and simply wait for MY time. and now I just felt the need to find out whether things would be different for me if I try. I know how hopeless and pointless fighting a losing battle is. But after 3 years I realized I’m never really the kind to get tired of hoping. But when Chase looked at me so seriously and said “maawa ka naman sa sarili mo” I felt ridiculously pathetic. He said I should stop trying to change just because I don’t feel enough. He asked me if I don’t feel that I am at least worth someone who’d love me because I’m simple and a million party nights away from being aggressive. I’m crazy sad because of how things are going for me, but on one side I feel extremely happy because I have chase to lean on to. Even if he feels he’s not helping, he’s the biggest help I have right now.

I guess this is a long enough entry to compensate for my absence these past few days. So, til tomorrow. I wait and no one will come. Fucket I’m kidding.

recycling poetry

would you believe, my second to the last post which was actually really just about what happened tonight is now revised into what i will pass tomorrow in Eng106 class. yes, this is what we like to call recycling. it's not yet done done, but it's better, i think. minus the details of the first one which is just a narration. i tried to apply a little subtlety, i've never been good at that though. i'm better with giving it all, no mystery, know what i mean? anyway, eto na:

Dama De Noche
In the silence of your absence
I remind myself
of nights before.
You lulled me to sleep
with your finger
mapping the lines on my palm.
dreamsounds in the background
invisible arabesques on the wall
In the confines
of my apocryphal universe,
where you fall like the nobleman
for dama's fragrance,
I will win your heart
in a one night's time.
I pray Cynthia
sing me to sleep
it's pointless waiting
but you keep singing
and i keep waiting.
I wait for forever's end
And til then
tonight, and nights after
I wait
And no one will come

...

so first there's jordi labanda, then craig thompson and andrea joseph, now there's sarah gaugler. the only filipino in my list. well sorta, i think she's only half-filipina. what does it mean anyway? half-filipina? whole human, half something. weird. so anyway, i discovered her thanks to my brother's moonlane gardens album (which i by the way LOOOOVE) and i spent an entire day that day googling her. because of her i wantaa tattoooo. ofcourse i did consider that my dad would kill me, so i easily sent that dream with the wind. she did some drawings for the new starbucks planner, which i won't get. i'll be satisfied checking out chase's. planners are a complete waste in my locker space, because i forget. the last starbucks planner i have is filled with drawings on the first few months, and then i forgot i even own one.

so anyway, i got a 7 in my spelling today, which is decent compared to the 3 i got last meeting. yes, embarassing. well, embarassing for everyone in that class since we're all commarts students, in UP for christsake. and i got 38 in the quiz. nakakatanga grabe. i remember complaining because we had effing subject-verb agreement for four years in highschool, and guess what? here i am in college, and i still suck.

so the greatest dillema of all is whether i will write my thesis in filipino or english. i got i.5 for both fil20 and fil21, under Sir Dumlao. i got 2.75 in eng1. problem solved?? well, actually the biggest problem is WHAT i will write. i'm clueless. i am studying magical realism since i don't think it will be discussed in any of my subjects this semester. it's funny how ideas often come to me in mass, and fortunately my mom doesn't get mad when i start asking for paper and pen in the middle of homily. haha

the first and last time math and marquez will be mentioned in one entry

just finished my second math exam, as expected, it was hard. the only difference is this time, i didn't feel depressed. maybe because i already accepted the fact that i suck at it. i was rushing the multiple choice part when i saw half the class leaving, i was excited to tell Denise and Ehm what my answer in the last part was, because i was certain it's right. and you could just imagine what kind of happiness that would bring me to get one problem solving right, and they were waiting for me outside the lecture hall, hopeful that it'll be their last time there, i was telling them that i got 3 and 12 on all sides, all excited only to find their blah faces. you know, the kind of faces you give when you don't know how to tell someone they're wrong...again. haha! it doesn't matter anyway, i'm used to it. and i'm prepared to take math11 again next sem. yeesss! another round of chase patiently explaining damn solutions to me. i remember how Tj was explaining how he got 1 as an answer in one problem and i started bawling like a stupid little poor girl on a toy store. bah! i know how to add my jeans, and count my change. that's all i nedd right? right. that and an accountant.

it's still early and already i'm done with angelo lacuesta's mermaid heart (which won the palanca) and tattoo. well they're just short stories so they're really nothing to brag about. but still, it's a little productive for someone as idle as myself. i liked tattoo, even if there're some medical terms and my father would've been disappointed if he ever found out it got me baffled. i liked it, not because my mom's name was mentioned ha, i liked it, just because.

anyway the semester's on the cliff, i'm just about ready to jump anytime soon. i can drop dead with all the failing or almost failing grades i will receive, but i can just fly and do better next time. okay, that was cheesy. but i've got high spirits. i always start the sem right, and then i get addicted to productions, and well, everyone knows what happens next. the rest of my academics suffer. i can't wait for sembreak, it's as promising as the rest of my past sembreaks. haha! Gabriel Garcia Marquez and Neil Gaiman are waiting for me at home. i'm crazy excited. i have to do some readings for my creative output/thesis and they're on top of my list. surprisingly, magical realism is the theme of my novel. exciting? scary.

i'm scared like whoa.

.....

still waiting for the mathh11 midterm exam results. although i'm pretty sure it won't be something worth rejoicing.

el laberinto dela verdad will be staged on monday and tuesday, yeeesss! tapos isang prod nalang tapos makakapagpahinga na ko. pero syempre hindi rin, wala kong pahinga. okay, i did sleep from 11 pm last night til 5:30 am this morning, then i went back to sleep around 8:45 and woke up at 11. so i guess, pahinga yun, right?

papa came home this weekend. we had dinner with some of their old friends at tito Dennis' house. yon. everyone was having fun, laughing, drinking wine, even kuya rammil's enjoying himself, i was at the sofa, sleeping. god i'm tired. then the next day we had lunch at superbowl with auntie irene and we watched wall-e! it was fun :)

by now, it's safe to say that my life is BORING.

anyway, vincent was here last week. i think he had fun. kahit pa medyo nao-OP daw sya minsan. he calls Chase bayaw now, so i guess boto na sya kay chase, haha!

so. run thru ngayon for el laberinto dela verdad and i still haven't memorized the alamat. and i also have to prepare for tomorrow's report, and i have to read agyu. the latter being the worse i have to do this week. haaaaay!

updates galore..or not

the cultural night is officially over, now i can focus on my production..or not.
still have a lot of things on my head, just got home from my math11 mock exam. ayokong magmath22!! i hate that i have a knack for sucking at everything. it's frustrating. once (okay, twice unless you want to take comsci11 instead) in a comarts student's life, one has to take math electives, and one would realize that truly, shit happens!

on a lighter note, i am harboring a schoolgirl crush on someone. which is actually insane because i haven't had this feelings since Desa, and that felt like a long time ago. but what's even crazier is that ... she's a girl. i know, i know. but like i said, it's just a schoolgirl crush. and she's not lesbo, mind you, she's actually a little girly.

dad's coming home tomorrow. yeeha!

i actually have more rantings, but i'll save it for tomorrow. it's early in the morning and i'm still on a good mood.

acad mode

subjects im assuming i will enjoy:

COMA105. Public Relations and Advertising. excited ako sa paggawa ng advertisements, print ads and stuff kasi i missed out on doing teasers and posters for the past productions i was involved in. I don't feel obliged to go to class even though i am, because it's actually fun especially since we have ma'am marcial for our prof.

FRENCH10. Bonjour! vous vous apelez comment? okay, that means what's your name? not exactly relevant, eh ano naman? plus our prof is like the cutest thing, she's like 5ft tall tapos buntis cute cute amph. she graduated from up diliman, european studies major in french minor in span. crazy, ano? okay so sitting beside nikko and biboy may not be the smartest thing at first, but i get the feeling they're enjoying it too.

ENG101. English Prose Style. The only reason i might enjoy eng101 is because i would have to actually write again, which i barely do now. at dahil marerequire ako eh manonochoice ako. and because i sit with hazel, millie, pen and jinee and i enjoy the snide comments and the 'what the?' looks we exchange whenever macansantos says something 'duh', which is like all the time.

FIL21. folklores and myths may not be my favorite topics, but sir Dumlao is my favorite professor. not only do i listen and space out only twice or so per meeting, but i actually enjoy it. andami kong natututunan and i also feel inspired to write after every meeting. it's amazing what effect sir dumlao has on his students.

ARCHERY. so i smell like shit and i sweat like crazy. but i feel like i just came out of an LOTR movie whenever i have a bow in hand. it's hard, not what i expected, but this is the only PE i took wherein i actually want to excel. gusto ko pa nga magvarsity eh, oha, but that was before i tried it. ngayon, ayoko na, mahirap pala kasi.


which leaves us with the three subjects i might not enjoy:

THEA108. i am extremely disappointed. i can live with not having sir Joey for my thea108 professor, but Jeremy is so... so... so not anything a major subject professor should be. i hate it. nakakadepress. nakakirita. and i thought we're gonna learn about grotowsky and stanislavsky. give art some pride, man. medyo hirapan mo naman ang discussion. oh right, he gave us a handout of supposedly 'technical' stuff about acting, tapos ang refference nya, take note reFFerence, ay yahoo something. what the??

LTS1. three hours? i have better things to do with my time. okay, so that sounded a little bit shallow. but really, three hours is such a long time, especially when we're just playing half the time.

MATH11. i hate math. as simple as that. although i have to admit i am enjoying sets because it's easy compared to actually solving problems.


in the end it's all the same because i'll probably suck in most of them. i hope not though, i want/need better grades this sem.

crazy talk

i've been planning to study abroad after college. although the real sure thing is that i will be leaving for canada right after graduation. studying fine arts at UST did cross my mind but i really want to experience studying far away from home and well, UST is and will always be two of my brother's well loved home. after several plans i came up with 'the one', the this-is-it plan. i'd be leaving for canada late april or early may and will be living there a maximum of two months, i will then visit some of my cousins in the states (and go to disneyland!) and then, i will go to paris to study. crazy? i know. I was this excited when i wanted to study at UP, but even that was a suntok sa buwan decision. because 1.) i'm not even in the top of my class and 2.) i'm like in the third class from the star section. my dad bought me this study by yourself book while some of my friends enrolled at MSA. i know even he doubted whether i could pass. but i did, and i'm hoping that this time the angels will work on my side again.

let's go back to the plan. ofcourse when i get there i won't be studying right away. especially since the tuition fee costs a bajillion times more than UP tuition. also because the smallest of apartments costs 650 euros. according to my research, minimum wage would sum up to 3000 euros a month, but the take home pay would only be 2,700 or so. minus the rent, the electricity, the laundry and stuff, you'd only get about 50 to spend daily. what about the supposedly money left for savings? for duh, what i was there for, university? if you really think about it, it's kinda depressing. my dad says i think a lot, and that it's too early to think about it. he said i should atleast be in junior year before i start worrying about studying again. but i'll be in junior year, in less than a week.

i really want to go, i don't want this to be something i wanted at some point in my life. because of this i'm changing a lot of things in my 5 year plan. i've always wanted to graduate early, and i would actually be graduating early compared to the usual 21 year old graduates, i would graduate from college the month i turn 20. so i though it would be okay to study some more, because if i want a masters degree, i'd be done with it by 22 or 23, which is not bad. but i've decided to take another 4-year course. i'd be taking up comparative literature minor in theater and performance or comparative literature. and because i would be working for a year or so, i would be 25 or 26 by the time i graduate. a little old to still be studying, i've always wanted to have my own family by 24. but i really want this, and the course i'm talking about would be under the department of arts and literature and where better to study arts than in france, right? who am i kidding? when i was a little younger i spent half my days plotting how i will meet david beckham, what i will say down to what i will be wearing. and then there was this day when i sort of just hit my head and asked, what was i thinking? it was depressing, to suddenly wake up and realize that you wasted weeks, or a month being delusional. it was also depressing because you know that you'll never meet him, or talk to him. funny as it seems, it's absolutely true about a lot of things in my life. this dream is one of them.

a while ago while i was washing the dishes, ma went inside the kitchen and out of nowhere i asked her if she thinks i'll be able to really study at AUP. she didn't laugh or shake her head, she said we'll work hard for it. she said we have some savings to spend. and i felt extremely sad. my parents are now in the time of their lives where they're starting to save up for themselves, because they're already old and tired. my dad wants to retire already but he's working because i'm still in college and because they also have to have money when they go to canada. and i have no intention of using their money to study again. that's why i had it all planned out, well, not exactly. i've done some computations, and there is no way i can support myself in AUP because it costs a lot. but maybe with a little help from ISLP or other student loan organizations. maybe i can try for scholarship. or you know, just whatever. i hate it when my dad calls me spoiled, because i felt that i worked hard for the things i want and that i pay for half the things i own, but the truth is i have it easy, i have a good life. i am probably just too ecstatic about the thought of studying arts abroad, but i know life will be hard. i already checked some apartments, and some chambre de bonne, and although they're a little bigger than my room, they're not exactly home. i would have to work at starbucks or some cafe, and that's if i'm lucky or if my french doesn't suck. i would be studying and working at the same time. i wouldn't have the luxury to eat good food or to once in a while buy myself something expensive. i would have to make ends meet, and i know that sometimes they wouldn't. i would also suffer from massive loneliness, and knowing noone there i would be all alone in dealing with it.....

....papa's right. i sorta think a lot. i just, i don't know, want this too much. i know if i don't get in, i'd be able to try out for other universities. university of manitoba's okay. but i just really want this one. and i want to make sure i try everything.

2008 sched

Schedule
Time	Mon	Tue	Wed	Thu	Fri	Sat
7-8			MATH 11 - A	MATH 11 - A-4R	MATH 11 - A
8-9		PE 2-AY - AY-ST1	FIL 21 - B		FIL 21 - B
9-10		PE 2-AY - AY-ST1	FIL 21 - B		FIL 21 - B
10-11
11-12		ENG 101 - V		ENG 101 - V
12-1		ENG 101 - V		ENG 101 - V
1-2		COMA 105 - W	LTS 1 - EF2	COMA 105 - W
2-3		FRCH 10 - X	LTS 1 - EF2	FRCH 10 - X
3-4		FRCH 10 - X	LTS 1 - EF2	FRCH 10 - X
4-5
5-6		THEA 108 - Z		THEA 108 - Z
6-7		THEA 108 - Z		THEA 108 - Z

---

this is my schedule for next semester. i was so used to having 4 'working' hours a day, and now i feel as if i'm overload, even though this is only 18 units. it seems a lot because i've got lab for math11 and 3 hour LTS. sucks. and i was actually planning to drop my thea classes because they demand so much time, and i know i said they're addicting, and i love it love it, but i've got to focus more in writing now, and with my the rest of my free time now threatened to be given solely on theater, i may not have enough time to write or to pass french 10 and math11. and i'm really dying to get good grades this semester. i didn't know they'd give me thea108 so fast, and i don't want to drop what systemone gives me, it's too much hassle. even though i'm starting to hate the idea of acting. oh well, i guess i have to work extra hard, that or fail. and besides, i'm really blessed, i always get 18 units with no problemo, i have to start deserving it. it's the first time for me to have 7 am classes, and classes up to 7pm, ayayay, this'll be harder than i thought.

i will only be able to fit in lunch dates every wednesday afternoon. ugh. i hate 1 hour breaks, there's really nothing you can do with 'em but go back to the apartment and head back to the building. ugh ugh ugh! i'm going to psyche myself that i'm enjoying this schedule. and maybe, just maybe, one day i actually will.

whatevah!

i rarely deal with numbers, i actually avoid having to compute anything, but today is one of the rare moments that i actually did compute something. my effing grades. according to the calculator, i have to get 1.4 in the next 4 semesters to be a laude. cue in evil laugh, you know, the bwahahaha-this-is-a-piece-of-cake kinda laugh. yeah, right. i've got a 1.9 on the verge of being a 1.8 overall standing, but because i screw up last sem, i don't think i'll be a laude. what was i thinking anyway, if i wanted something like that i should've, well, for a start, studied a little bit. mama says i shouldn't think about it, because it's summer, i'm supposed to be having fun. see?? this is the problem, i don't feel any pressure. no pressure at all.

hoho. anyway, i super love eating. hmmm, i just had the best merienda in bed. take a look:

butter toasted tasty and hotdogs!! yey!
and on the right, my favorite, hashbrown with melted cheeze whiz. yum!

this is what i call an update but you can call it crap if you want to

i have lots of kwentos. but, BUT, i have no time. thanks to nightly rehearsals and professors who think we're super-iskos/as. i can't even write about the debut. it's not like there's something to write about it anyway. haha! it was a disaster, except ofcourse, we are all masters in pretending. i may not be good in acting but i definitely nailed the line 'oh, everything's okay.. ay, ok lang yun, ano ka ba?' but it did not exactly fall apart, thanks to kuya rammil, mama and ate apple who were the busy bees at the party.

so anyway. the fun part was seeing the gifts, i never had so many! i was drooling just by seeing all of them lined up waiting for me to open them. ooohh i love the body shop paperbags the most. i kinda get the feeling the gifts inside would require me to take a bath more often. hahaha! (oh but i have no time. hahaha) i appreciate all the gifts but it's so hard not to have a favorite. or favorites. sorry na. but i shall post The List some other time, when i finally have the time.

anyway, i enjoy the stage. not actually having to appear in it right infront of 800-900 people (the DL Umali seating capacity) but being backstage. my dad told me to stop participating in productions, after all i am majoring in writing (di lang halata, okay!!!) sabi nya, i don't need it. it was not an exaggeration when someone from thespian circle told me that theater is addicting. i kinda got hooked. from Pagbulas ng Sibol, i did not let another sem pass without me volunteering or working for a production. ofcourse it is mostly backstage work, so it is kind of new to me to be working with other actors not as a stage manager or as a set and props committee member, but as an actor as well. the process isn't normal either. the past productions did not require as much physical and emotional pain, atleast that is what i saw. with Desaparecidos, pain is a qualification. without having experienced a great amount of pain, the characters are at stake. sir Joey doesn't like acting on stage. never act. you should also never play the role. you should be the role. it's so hard to imagine yourself the role with desa, especially when i found out that they are real people, real abducted, tortured, raped and killed people. whatever meaning you give to the character, it always doesn't seem to give them enough justice.

but moving out of the 'story' context and moving on to the rehearsals and workshops proper, it was fun. ofcourse the movement workshops are grueling, sometimes cruel and agonizingly intolerable, but it was fun. the rehearsals meant having to see sir joey and that is an experience i could never write about. he is more than Icebag to me, without me having to pay 100 for the ticket-oh joy! but even though it is fun and i am surely going to miss everyone, i have to admit, i am a bit relieved that it will end soon. why? i'm exhausted. i'm not tired, i am terribly exhausted. i have to juggle academics, desaparecidos, my responsibility to my family (my brother just came home from canada and i have to be at home as much as i can, but i can't)and my family and my academics are the ones suffering the most. babagsakin na nga ako eh, hahaha. and i can't count the numerous family activities i missed, and i really want to be around my brother and my niece and nephew all the time but i don't even have the time to sleep for more than 5 hours. before desaparecidos i was already too busy to have the time to write, or to read a new book. but now i simply don't have the time for anything. i can't even fix myself up, even with the desire to look good before a certain someone. no. i just don't have the time. but i love desa. i super love desa. ewan. basta. atleast it was a good experience. it's my first time in UP to be a part of a play wherein i actually have to act, tapos experimental play pa. amazing lang eh.

but i can't wait for this semester to end. because everything sucks! coma192 sucks! coma104 sucks! history2 sucks! i don't expect some high grades, and i can't wait for next sem too, so i can start anew, but with majors finally filling up my sched, i won't be expecting some applaud-worthy grades next sem. so much for optimism.

i wonder what i'm going to do this summer? the trip to bacolod was cancelled. and i have a million books from my debut. so i guess i better start reading, prepare myself for a read-free sem next sem, as i also will be part of another production, which production, i am not certain. i don't know. basta, the sun, the company of good books, a tall glass of iced tea (not nestle iced tea ofcourse), a jordi labanda notebook in one hand and gtec .3 in the other, and perhaps the sporadic visitations of friends and cousins would probably fill up my summer. hmmm... sounds good to me.

acad stuff

2008 will be a good year, i hope. the only thing that scares me is coming to school and attending 192. if only i could drop that class. people would easily tell me to just prove him wrong, but i'm not like that, i'm not the kind who can prove something about myself. what is there to prove anyway? that i'm good? no. i don't think so. maybe i'm not as stupid as he say i am, damn moheeca. but i'm also not so much of a genius. i don't know what i'm capable of, or if i'm actually capable of something. it's not an issue of self esteem. it's an issue of, i don't know actually, not being good enough? okaay. enough of the rant.

so i spent the better half of the day doing nothing. my expertise, yey! not only am i supposed to be doing my history 2 assignment and my 192 workshop, i should also be reaearching for my hum170 papers, take note, paperSSS. but no, i'm good at being idle so i chose it over other more important stuff. hoho. and i wonder why i don't succeed in life. haha

fowta moheeeeecah!

i had the worst day!
2 hours of sleep. 19 hours of no food. how worse can my day possibly get? worst. mojica's class.
i can spend an entire blog entry ranting about him, but then again, i'm already pissed off as it is.
i was expecting something good to happen. it would be really nice if i have someone to make my day better, or atleast a little okay. i don't know, i guess it's kinda selfish wanting more. i already have good friends. and no, i don't have a few good friends. perhaps a score, or more. denise brought me a burger. tine, a strawberry (yes, A strawberry-isa lang!) tas gel hugged me and yeah i really love gel-hugs.

i was planning to write about my trips to the library, but it's supposed to be a jolly entry. so not today.
i had such a baaaaaaad day. and wallowing in self-pity probably made it worse. i saw tj earlier today and i was dying for a hug, boo-hugs make my day less unbearable, and tj is my hugmachine. but i was in such a hurry. hay.
anyway, the day's still not over, i still have a few more hours left.

somebody please make me happy!
(oh, jin did, early this morning. but even that can't last the day)

back to normal

let's divert from my day to day emotional drama and move on to what's more important. serious much? i'm supposed to deliver my speech this spcm104 meeting, actually i was supposed to have delivered it last meeting. but no. argh. my persuasive speech is about death penalty. over rated? well, not for me. i'm VERY pro life. anyway, it heated up a debate the one time i opened the topic with some of the 05s. so i guess it's a pretty okay topic.

my hist2 prof who insisted she be called Panginoon is absent today. thank the REAL God. i have to admit, i get offended whenever she refers to herself as a God, take note, God not goddess.

last night, when i was supposedly studying for hist2, i found Weng's songbook. so we decided to crash at Keatre's place, as we always do, equipped with Selle's guitar and Weng's golden voice we disrupted Joseph and Eme's study time. asa. twas fun. singing oldies, i mean. it reminds me of long trips with the 'rents. my dad's a big beatles fan, and i grew up listening to michael learns to rock, bread, eagles and such. joseph and weng are too, so we felt bit nostalgic. i felt sad when Weng was singing it's all coming back to me now. hahaha. whaaaaaaaat?? it is a bit sad, really.

nonsensical stuffs

i want to dance. i want to sing. i want to strip into a bikini and feel the hot puerto sand under my skin. i want heat and i want to go so bad. ofcourse it is possible, i've got a very small problem though. my parents won't let me. who would blame them? boys, beach and beer, now that's a bad combination, a formula for an unwanted future. hahaha. but i'm a good girl, really, i just want to go for the sun and, well, the sand. that's not too bad. a little fun won't do a good girl bad, right? and everybody's going. except me. i should've gotten used to this scenario, but no, i'm still hopeful that they won’t ask questions, just nod their heads and open their wallets. oh joy. wishful thinking.

enough of puerto talk. i gave up my tickets for the atROCKtion concert because i'm trying to save up some of my allowance. so goodbye parokya and all you other bands. ima stay home and do my report like a good student should.

oh but i'm not a good student. a few hours ago i was talking with kuya rey, and well he's still running (more like brisk walking he said) for laude. and i'm gliding my way to dismissal. hahaha!! anyway, why can't i work harder? i can do better than a 1.9 gwa. i could run for laude too, if i atleast pay more attention to my studies than to my sleeping. But I can never seem to have the motivation to study. oh but anyway way, kuya rey got this 'ur halimaw' look when i told him i got 1.75 in HUM1 under ma'am Layeta Bucoy. i try not to show it, but i guess that sorta pulls my self esteem up. because like Chui said, Bucoy's the shit. she's the goddess of literature. oh and how i cried as i finished her take home exam because i was so afraid of insulting her intelligence by coming up with a mediocre crap. but i passed, and i did so much more than pass, i got a 1.75 and apparently for Bucoy, i must be a little good enough. maybe i could be a palanca awardee too. haha!! pushing my luck a bit here. But really, it means a lot to find out that not many gets a high grade from bucoy. Someone from batch 05 got 1.25, now that’s amazing. She’s in a goddess training for all I know. I’m jealous. Argh.

read Nikko's eulogy. almost cried. he's a good writer, well, better than me. haha. i have a knack for flushing my self-esteem down the drain, but he really is better.

anyway. gotta go, got a meeting with my SOC130 classmates about our report tomorrow. and ima drag my feet to vega because i don't want to go. there's nothing else i'd rather do than to stay home and write. oh yeah, manuod ng atROCKtion. ah, why is everything so depressing. i don't get what i'm saying dammit. got to go.

hollywood stars for the night

last night was B-an's debut. i have to travel all the way to Diliman from Binan. met up first with Bop in megamall, strolling in my pink tube dress. haha! it's my first debut without the three guys, but i enjoyed it anyway. and i think that the party would've turned out to be completely different if they were there. they didn't even know that i went, i wonder if we're having a falling out. nah. i don't think so.

the theme of B-an's debut is hollywood, so we had these name tags with hollywood stars' names in it. i am Rachel Bilson. Bop is Tyra Banks. Hazel, Sarah Jessica Parker. Jax is Ellen Degeneres. Gel, Julia Roberts and Diego is Elijah Wood. twas cool. i had fun. but in the middle of the dancing, my face started to itch real bad. we thought it was the make up, because for the first time, Bop bought this really cheap blush-on. but then again i also have this spots on my back, so it can't be the make up. another theory is that it's the rum in the tiramisu of which i had a big slice of. or the flowers. we're not sure actually, the red spots are gone after 30mins anyway.

hung out at starbucks in tomas morato before heading home. we have to fit in Diego's crv, all 6 of us + his driver. i was asleep the whole ride home. and i was awake until 5:30 am. haha! studying for my NASC4 exam, or not.

sleepless friday

lately i've been having no time for friends, because the production is so time consuming. Bop hates me for cancelling another lunch date. and i super hate myself too. but what i've committed to requires my presence and full attention. i mean, i myself gets so tired sometimes, but it is really satisfying. as ma'am JC said, theater is addicting!

it's 3 am and i still can't grasp the concept of 'sleep'. i mean the only reason i force myself to surrender into my pillows is because i have to. i no longer need coffee, unless of course i'm studying sosc1 (spell BORING) haha!

it doesn't help that bum is insomniac, it means i have an instant companion for midnights like this. or that chris aka morris in Pagbulas ng Sibol can't sleep either. or that i simply can't lose myself in a deep slumber. it was a long day but i don't seem tired at all. i came to the point wherein i feel as if sleeping means getting robbed of time supposedly for something productive.

oh well, ima work on my nasc4 take home exam. or not.

exhaustion and jealousy

My body has been cursing me, it has this intense desire to cling to the bed and lie so peaceful beneath the covers. And yet, this body though overwhelmed with exhaustion, has been awake all day, and alert all night. I no longer feel the need for coffee, feels as if I have a supply of caffeine inside me, but I need some rest, and yet I ain’t getting any.

Anyway, I think I may have failed my first math exam. I could’ve tried harder, but I didn’t. I didn’t feel so bad because I didn’t even study that much, yes, I was awake even at the wee hours of the night, but all I did was eat and talk and eat. Nothing so productive. Only, well, sinful in a way that it makes me bloat like a shiny red balloon in a few days. I could make up for it by passing the next exam, but even that is questionable. it’s funny how well I suck in math. And how everyone else is so good at it.

A while ago, Bum confided in me about the “sweet” our friend/her crush’ is so fond of. It’s not an easy thing, jealousy. Tsk tsk. I say get out of the fire, before jealousy burns you like hell.

Goodnight.