on breakups

just because you're not answering any of my messages and because i won't be able to see you until this weekend if ever you do come home from work.

it'll be fine. you don't know how much i wish you didn't have to experience this to learn. but since it's happening, i do hope you learn from it. i hope you'd grow from it. and i wish you'd recover. maybe it's the time to finally do those things you talked to me about, things you planned to do 'if ever' you two are not together. you always knew you were destined for something better. but i know you love ate apple, planned your life together with her, and i know it sucks, but you'll get over it if you want to. when you find it hard to go on, you know that despite our differences i will always, always, be here for you. i love you, and i love ate apple too, we all do. but you're still blood and it's thicker than any ties with other people, we will always be on your side. and if only we could protect you from all the pain your experiencing now, we would. be strong kuya. i hate to imagine you weak and sad. i hate you most of the time, you know that, but i will hate you more if you sulk about it. especially if you do it without me.

i do wish you'd answer my messages though, i wish we could talk. you always come to me when things like this happens, and it sucks to not hear it from you. i love love love you kuya. be strong.

lolo

i planned to write about my grandfather's death last december 30. but, it's not really something i'm comfortable with. so let's just leave it at that.

do pray for his soul though.

tomorrow is supposed to be the beginning of my summer.
now, that may sound senseless, but you see tomorrow i'm supposed to be going with some college friends to anilao, because bop's got a house there. and i could almost imagine the sand under my feet, i could almost see the beach. but no, chase just texted and told me it was canceled. i still don't know what happened. i am waiting for someone to text me the full details.

urgh. although i have to admit, though unproductive my summer has been full of 'going outs' and 'buying stuffs' i never really got anywhere other than manila and here in binan. you don't exactly get tan while frequenting the mall, right? and besides, my bikinis also have to get used you know. and the summer is the only decent reason to go out almost naked, so i have to enjoy it. i have to. or else my bikinis will be stuck in my closet til next summer. well, actually, i'll be going to subic this weekend til monday, but that's with the family. that's a different kind of fun compared to being with friends. and my dad don't usually let me go out with friends, and he allowed me two nights and three days without parental supervision. at the beach. it sounded so perfect.

so, maybe i'll just wait a little longer. for their text, i mean. and if it really is cancelled, i'll go to batangas anyway, drag whoever, nobody's going to stop me from enjoying this summer.

missing my naughty angels

i miss nathan and danica.
like crazy. i've been singing nathan's make up song for two days straight. and i've been wearing danica's diaper (on my head, duh!) for two days straight as well. i know how hard it is for kuya to not see his family for seven years and then leave just like that after a month. i'm beginning to feel as if i regret having joined desaparecidos, only because i didn't get to spend enough time with my brother and his family, because i was busy with rehearsals. but then again, no time will ever be enough anyway. the last time kuya ouel left, which was, again, 7 long years ago, he did not embrace me. i was crying, bawling like i lost one from my pair of legs, and he did not embrace me. when he left a hazy two days ago, he did not embrace me either. with our kind of relationship, it makes you wonder why he didn't. he'll cry just as much as i did if he gave me a hug, knowing it will be the last for yet another, what, 7 years?





it's kinda lonely going back to a clean, silent house. i miss the chaos, my toys scattered all over the floor, the sound of nathan's incessant impersonations of his hero-nacho libre, my brother's kakulitan, watching finding nemo for the nth time, but most of all danica's tantrums. i know that from now on, long gone will be the days when car trips meant mimicking the sound of dogs and cats just to silence danica's cries. two nights before they left, i slept beside danica, she was extra nice to me the whole day that day. she kept touching my face, kept brushing my bangs, kissing me and calling me ninang. one time when mama was holding me, she took me and said "my tisa" i wondered then how i could possibly let her go when the time comes that i have to.. i love both of them so much. i kept asking papa to send me to canada this summer, but ofcourse, it's all just wishful thinking.

anyway, i talked to nathan this morning. he was watching lastikman. hahaha! kuya rammil bought him a lastkiman toy and he kept asking about it. so yun, nakapanood na rin sya.

so yun. yun lang, i guess. kuya ouel said that they'll try to come home for my graduation IF i graduate on time. hmmm??

Conversations with Nathan

ON MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS

me: nathan, what musical instrument do you want to learn how to play?
nathan: the pinano and the dibar
me: dibar?
nathan: DIBAR! (duh?)
me: what's a dibar? what does it look like?
nathan: (impatiently) don't you listen to rock and roll?
....
....
me: ah. oh. guitar!


NATHAN'S GOING TO BE A POET, JUST LIKE TITA, HAHA

nathan: i will not go, i will not go
but if i do, but if i do...
kuya paolo: is that a real song?
nathan: no, im just making it up
(sings again)
me: (umepal lang) i'll come back on a sunny day
nathan: no! no! it has to rhyme.
like, have you seen a goat riding on a boat?
or there is a boy, playing with a toy...
hmmm... what else?
me: look at kate, she's my cousin playmate??
nathan: eating cake?

Poetry101:Rhyming


nathan, with my other niece, kate

KUNGFU

nathan: where are we going?
kuya paolo: batulao
nathan: what's batulao?
kuya paolo: a secret place for monks
nathan: what's "monks"?
kuya paolo: kungfu masters
nathan: really?
me: your dad will train with the kungfu masters
nathan: oh but i want to train too
kuya paolo: yes nathan, someday you will train with them too
nathan: how, why??
kuya paolo: you, are the chosen one.
nathan: (laughs) whatever uncle paolo.

debut still moments

some pictures from the debut.
it's zee family. my parents in the middle. my brother ouel, at my right, kuya rammil at my left and kuya paolo next to him.


it's zee gown. i usually don't agree on wearing white on any occasion but your own wedding, BUT, i figured, i may never get married, so i'd just pretend this is my wedding. seriously. hahaha


my debut's theme is masquerade. well, supposedly. but most of the masks just rested on the tables like some decorations. not that i mind really, i didn't even wear my own mask. these are some of my college friends making use of the mask decorations.


a rare moment between me and my parents. my parents and i. myself, and my parents?? whatever.


with my beloved housemates. (ang ganda ni weng dito)


thank you speech.

more pictures on multiply :)

brotherly love

when my eldest brother, Ouel, left for Canada, i was only 11 years old. if you see how unbelievably childish i am today, then you could just imagine how immature and childish i was back then. the calls from canada went from long and daily to sporadic updates and ''how are you?''s. i blame this for not being able to bridge the already widening gap. to my brother, i will always be 11. even though i did visit them there, the year i turned 13, to him i will always be the 11 year old girl he refused to embrace before he left for a seven year stay in canada. while my other two brothers, despite whatever contradictions and objections they have, have accepted that i have grown, not only in height, thank you, my brother ouel will always think i'm too young to have a boyfriend, too young to be in college, to young to be going out with friends, and too young to be going out in shorts... too young. after all, i'm only just 11.

in one of our 'who's that guy in yellow?' discussions:

ouel: pero tisa ayoko dun ah
tisa: bakit? gwapo naman ah
ouel: hindi naman yun eh
tisa: mabait yun, inaalagaan ako nun, diba mama?
mama: oo, tatay nya yun dun eh
ouel: hindi, gusto ko kapag ganun, mahal ka.
tisa: salamat sa sampal
ouel: mas mahal ka kesa sa mas mahal mo sya. ayoko ng ikaw yung kawawa.

awww.. i'm 18 now. i think he's getting the picture. pwede na nga pala akong mag-boyfriend. wahahaha! but i'll just pretend all the guys i know are gay, para my being single is justified.

arlyn: hay nako mama, si ouel grabe asarin ang mga bata
ouel: hindi na ngayon, andito na si tisa eh. mapapahinga na sila nathan
bwahahaha

thanks kuya.
but really, i think i missed being the butt of his teasings.

we were going to eat at trinity in moa. we were left alone and he was complaining about how ate arlyn was such a nag:

tisa: kaya ako kuya, ayokong magapakasal
ouel: huh? bakit? kwento mo sa kin.
tisa: basta ayoko
ouel: bakit nga? syempre di pwede yun
tisa: eh wala naman akong picture ng magandang marriage no. si papa chaka si mama, sana maghiwalay nalang sila kung ganun lang din. kayo ni ate arlyn, away ng away,
ouel: syempre, part talaga yun, ala nga ng puro good times. may nangyayari ba sa bahay na di ko alam?
tisa: ano ka ba? syempre marami. basta di ako magaasawa, para kapag ayaw ko na, edi alis na ko. ganun lang.
ouel: huh? hindi pwede yun.
tisa: makikipaglive in nalang ako.....
....joke!
ouel: nagaaway nga kami parati ng ate arlyn mo, pero pag iniisip ko, ang pinakamasayang araw ko ay yung pinakasalan ko sya.

awww.

oh yes. he is quite funny.

this is what i call an update but you can call it crap if you want to

i have lots of kwentos. but, BUT, i have no time. thanks to nightly rehearsals and professors who think we're super-iskos/as. i can't even write about the debut. it's not like there's something to write about it anyway. haha! it was a disaster, except ofcourse, we are all masters in pretending. i may not be good in acting but i definitely nailed the line 'oh, everything's okay.. ay, ok lang yun, ano ka ba?' but it did not exactly fall apart, thanks to kuya rammil, mama and ate apple who were the busy bees at the party.

so anyway. the fun part was seeing the gifts, i never had so many! i was drooling just by seeing all of them lined up waiting for me to open them. ooohh i love the body shop paperbags the most. i kinda get the feeling the gifts inside would require me to take a bath more often. hahaha! (oh but i have no time. hahaha) i appreciate all the gifts but it's so hard not to have a favorite. or favorites. sorry na. but i shall post The List some other time, when i finally have the time.

anyway, i enjoy the stage. not actually having to appear in it right infront of 800-900 people (the DL Umali seating capacity) but being backstage. my dad told me to stop participating in productions, after all i am majoring in writing (di lang halata, okay!!!) sabi nya, i don't need it. it was not an exaggeration when someone from thespian circle told me that theater is addicting. i kinda got hooked. from Pagbulas ng Sibol, i did not let another sem pass without me volunteering or working for a production. ofcourse it is mostly backstage work, so it is kind of new to me to be working with other actors not as a stage manager or as a set and props committee member, but as an actor as well. the process isn't normal either. the past productions did not require as much physical and emotional pain, atleast that is what i saw. with Desaparecidos, pain is a qualification. without having experienced a great amount of pain, the characters are at stake. sir Joey doesn't like acting on stage. never act. you should also never play the role. you should be the role. it's so hard to imagine yourself the role with desa, especially when i found out that they are real people, real abducted, tortured, raped and killed people. whatever meaning you give to the character, it always doesn't seem to give them enough justice.

but moving out of the 'story' context and moving on to the rehearsals and workshops proper, it was fun. ofcourse the movement workshops are grueling, sometimes cruel and agonizingly intolerable, but it was fun. the rehearsals meant having to see sir joey and that is an experience i could never write about. he is more than Icebag to me, without me having to pay 100 for the ticket-oh joy! but even though it is fun and i am surely going to miss everyone, i have to admit, i am a bit relieved that it will end soon. why? i'm exhausted. i'm not tired, i am terribly exhausted. i have to juggle academics, desaparecidos, my responsibility to my family (my brother just came home from canada and i have to be at home as much as i can, but i can't)and my family and my academics are the ones suffering the most. babagsakin na nga ako eh, hahaha. and i can't count the numerous family activities i missed, and i really want to be around my brother and my niece and nephew all the time but i don't even have the time to sleep for more than 5 hours. before desaparecidos i was already too busy to have the time to write, or to read a new book. but now i simply don't have the time for anything. i can't even fix myself up, even with the desire to look good before a certain someone. no. i just don't have the time. but i love desa. i super love desa. ewan. basta. atleast it was a good experience. it's my first time in UP to be a part of a play wherein i actually have to act, tapos experimental play pa. amazing lang eh.

but i can't wait for this semester to end. because everything sucks! coma192 sucks! coma104 sucks! history2 sucks! i don't expect some high grades, and i can't wait for next sem too, so i can start anew, but with majors finally filling up my sched, i won't be expecting some applaud-worthy grades next sem. so much for optimism.

i wonder what i'm going to do this summer? the trip to bacolod was cancelled. and i have a million books from my debut. so i guess i better start reading, prepare myself for a read-free sem next sem, as i also will be part of another production, which production, i am not certain. i don't know. basta, the sun, the company of good books, a tall glass of iced tea (not nestle iced tea ofcourse), a jordi labanda notebook in one hand and gtec .3 in the other, and perhaps the sporadic visitations of friends and cousins would probably fill up my summer. hmmm... sounds good to me.

of debut plans and getting spoiled every once in a while

papa's thai officemate, Sukalya is here in the Philippines, and because she wanted to see a volcano and kept pointing to Mindanao in her map, haha, we took her to Tagaytay. but the weather's not so kind as the heavens were pouring perpetually, and because it's tagaytay you could just imagine how thick the fog was, so we kept driving and driving.

then we chanced upon Sonya's Garden, and we have been talking about it for months now, so the rough road didn't bother us much. and it was majestic, it's so beautiful. i finally found my venue. this is it, it's perfect. it's so beautiful it almost made me cry, haha! really, it's so beautiful. i love it so much that i bet my parents couldn't say no when i asked them to let me celebrate my debut at Sonya's Garden's Greenhouse.

ofcourse the rest of my debut plans would have to be cancelled, the band, the lights, the gown and even the theme. because the venue is classy, i couldn't continue with the comics theme where kuya paolo aka creative director kuya of mine would be very much active. the band and disco at the end is without a doubt out of place in this whole peaceful ambiance, so maybe i'd go for a jazz band. oh God, im so excited. mom called after they dropped me off at elbi after the trip to sonya's and lunch at josephine's, she said it's going to cost a lot but not too much. but i love it, and she does too, haha.

i know i said i'll write about rashomon, but maybe later. oh and i googled those photos, i'll soon replace them with my own shots of sonya's garden.

balikbayans and twister fries

this is me. or maybe it's more appropriate to say that this is what i have become. i don't hate it, doesn't mean i don't like it either. i'm more focused on being happy now, i don't get it, really, when they say that happiness is a choice. i just don't quite understand, do you wake up in the morning and tell yourself that you're going to be happy, and everything goes your way? things just don't work out like that. it's not always all in the mind. sometimes, it's in the heart too and that's what makes it more complicated.

anyway, it's twister fries season. fun and fat in the same sentence, now that just aint right!

cousins went home from the states last week. get to hang out with little nieces, Jaymie and Nicole. Cousin Marissa got married last saturday at St. James in Ayala Alabang, reception was at Vivere. guess how much weight i gained. (i loathe being just like everybody else, conscious about how fat im getting.) went swimming at pansol today.

i'm seriously dying to meet my nephew, Nathan and niece, Danica. ofcourse March will be a special month for me, because i will turn 18. but Nathan being home, my brother being home, it's just, sooo perfect. i miss them all so much.

ces is home from ohio too. and we had a reunion last week. we had one too last night but i was at the wedding. family comes first. anyway, got nothing else to say. now that's first.

catching up

i've obviously been busy, the production has been filling up my sched. i lack sleep, food intake and time for pleasure. there are nights, midnights even, when i could just rain dennis gupa with all the possible profanities there is in this world. but then again, i so love pagbulas ng sibol.

i was so occupied that i wasn't able to write about my birthday, of which i had 3 parties. one from the apartment people + bop + gel +bian. one from my thespian circle family and one really green (literally) party from my girlfriends (sooo lesbian-haha!).

or about Bop's debut, which took so much effort since we have to rent a driver and pay a lot for the gas. and how from Bop's debut we went straight to Romjulea's debut in pasig, even though her real birthday is not until july. anyway, i love my blue dress which kuya paolo payed for, for a whopping 1,something. it's so simple, barbie like, body-hugging spag strap from sari sari.

bop, gel and i had a lunch date in bonitos. somehow, bonitos, always remind me of the three boys and that night when i had my superman hair. i know not why though, just that i do.

also that kuya rammil arrived last wednesday and we only have been together last sunday because i have to go back to Los Banos, and it's his retreat in Baguio. i was expecting a now blonde brother, but it's not as gold as we all expected it to be. he picked me up from my second play date in ruins. he was with two of his friends from singapore, and all four of us + eme had our dinner in iziz.

other than this, i mostly hang out at ruins. meddling with the props. having conversations with the other backstage people. getting all 'chums' with actors. trying hard not to look too sleepy. and trying harder not to feel sleepy.

saturday loving

nothing beats grilled cinnamon and coffee for breakfast, and having to sit with your dad and talk about global warming and other important stuff you don't get to talk about everyday. i had a blast bonding with my dad, we went to makati after dropping off uncle nick in shaw then we met up with my brother(who by the way have a 3 inch stitch on his head-frigging thieves!) in glorietta and the three of us watched Apocalypto in Greenbelt which is strictly R18. i have to lie just to get in, tsk tsk tsk. in the beginning of the movie, i could definitely understand why the cinema was so strict about letting in people under 18 because the movie is implausibly gory. i enjoyed it anyway, i think mel gibson is very skilled in making movies. ofcourse i can't compare Apocalypto with The Passion of the Christ but you have to agree that they were both made in a very intense manner. i was constantly covering my face, hitting my brother or fidgeting my fingers. i was careful not to say "shit!" or any worse profanity, so i regularly nosh my mouth with popcorn. haha! papa and kuya are not as impressed as i thought they would be, but they also don't dismiss it as a bad movie, maybe just not what they expected. kept saying we should've just watched Night at the Museum with the funny Ben Stiller, it's lighter, much much lighter than the gruesome scenes of Mel Gibson's film.

anyway, it will be another month before i get to bond with my dad again, as he is leaving for malaysia on monday. i miss him most when i watch him drive away when he and madrops me off in elbi on sundays. i don't know why.