on trying and gaining back my bestfriend

Sir Piocos read my concept paper and poem in class today. He said my entry about how I came up with the concept was much better and more sincere than my poem. That it was actually more poetic. It was actually more of a dear diary thing and I was afraid he’d say how teeny-bopper it was, haha! But he liked it at least, said it was mature and well, poetic. He’s not a fan of the poem though. Ugh.

So anyway, I think it’s about time I make time for writing. Something well though of but not trying too hard. Shit before this semester ends I have to atleast be chosen once for the best poem, im so tired of waiting for MY time. I have to make it happen. Demmit.

Which brings me to Monday night talk with Chase Isip. Funny how we can talk now like we used to when we were still bestfriends-bestfriends. And I had the longest discussion with him about me trying to actually get this guy, and when I couldn’t stress the point why it’s so important for me to try, I just had to tell him. So I did. Mark and I debated on this almost everyday for what, two weeks now. Because I see no point in telling him what’s already passed, Mark says I should just for the heck of it. And now Chase and I are sharing one too many laughs about it. And when I look back, I realize it is funny. Brought us closer I guess. And now he understands, how when it was during his time I never once tried to make him love me, that whenever girls would come to his life I would shut up and simply wait for MY time. and now I just felt the need to find out whether things would be different for me if I try. I know how hopeless and pointless fighting a losing battle is. But after 3 years I realized I’m never really the kind to get tired of hoping. But when Chase looked at me so seriously and said “maawa ka naman sa sarili mo” I felt ridiculously pathetic. He said I should stop trying to change just because I don’t feel enough. He asked me if I don’t feel that I am at least worth someone who’d love me because I’m simple and a million party nights away from being aggressive. I’m crazy sad because of how things are going for me, but on one side I feel extremely happy because I have chase to lean on to. Even if he feels he’s not helping, he’s the biggest help I have right now.

I guess this is a long enough entry to compensate for my absence these past few days. So, til tomorrow. I wait and no one will come. Fucket I’m kidding.

but it's chase's bday

papa's home.
i still don't know how to tell him i have to go to temple on saturday. he'd be leaving next sunday, so he probably won't let me and it'll be too bad because it's chase's bday.

i'm still thinking if i really should go. i'm not a party person anyway. but it's chase's bday.

and i don't trust his driving much. because he got into an accident somewhere in alabang, not serious but still. but it's his bday.

darn. what to do?

tomorrow is supposed to be the beginning of my summer.
now, that may sound senseless, but you see tomorrow i'm supposed to be going with some college friends to anilao, because bop's got a house there. and i could almost imagine the sand under my feet, i could almost see the beach. but no, chase just texted and told me it was canceled. i still don't know what happened. i am waiting for someone to text me the full details.

urgh. although i have to admit, though unproductive my summer has been full of 'going outs' and 'buying stuffs' i never really got anywhere other than manila and here in binan. you don't exactly get tan while frequenting the mall, right? and besides, my bikinis also have to get used you know. and the summer is the only decent reason to go out almost naked, so i have to enjoy it. i have to. or else my bikinis will be stuck in my closet til next summer. well, actually, i'll be going to subic this weekend til monday, but that's with the family. that's a different kind of fun compared to being with friends. and my dad don't usually let me go out with friends, and he allowed me two nights and three days without parental supervision. at the beach. it sounded so perfect.

so, maybe i'll just wait a little longer. for their text, i mean. and if it really is cancelled, i'll go to batangas anyway, drag whoever, nobody's going to stop me from enjoying this summer.

nicole's havin lotsa fun

nicole got drunk. haha! told me i make simple things complicated. i guess so. i guess i do.

anyway, chase kept building his friend up. ang hirap isulat lhat ng sinabi nya eh. pero bsta, i don't know if i should be happy. both my bestfriends(chase and nicole) are rooting for jake. teej is rooting for whoever owns my heart. wow. as if that person wants me too. haha!! i don't know if i should follow my heart and sulk, or i if should follow my friends and open up to another person. haha! jake seems nice though. if not, then chase won't be able to forgive himself. haha!

i can't sleep, dammit. and i can't write anything other than these no frills blog entries. haha! it's okay though. im trying to keep everything simple. so as to avoid complications. haha! :)

i'll try to get some sleep now.

am i allowed to worry?

i have to know, if this joining the frat decision is really something you thought about for a looooong time. because it seems to me as if it's really not helping you. i mean, that's what it's supposed to do, right? it's supposed to help you. it's supposed to be a benefit to you, in some way. but i'm always afraid for you, especially now. and you're beginning to be afraid for yourself as well. i don't know if it's just me or is something really wrong about this situation. because i can't let you walk by yourself, i'm tortured by imagining you walking alone, vulnerable to hits and whatever them other frat men do. but i let you walk alone kanina, and the way home from square was kinda painful for me, and when we got home gel told me she was thinking about it too. we should've walked with you, that's the only thing we have to do to save you from danger.

this is really making me crazy. i know you should be my keeper and protector and all, but now it seems as if you're the one who needs protecting eh. oh and i hate to tell you this because i'm sure you'll hate me for doing so but im starting to believe that it was a stupid idea. i do. the only reason why i didn't stop you is because i promised myself that i'll support you and because you told us you can do it and i didn't want to step on your pride by saying "no." and i owe it to you to believe that nothing bad will happen because you did get through everything alive, but i can't help but get worried.

i'm ugly and i'm not up to anything else than sulking

so anyway, being a crush ng bayan and a frat man have it's rather unfortunate consequences. and i know it sounds funny, but i got your back. i may seem small and fragile, but have you forgotten how you've left me soon enough to make me grow out of your protective wing, i'm stronger than how i seem now. and i'd battle a dozen frat men with their black long umbrellas if they ever do anything with your hair. okaaay. that doesn't make sense, but whatever.

so I've Got A Dark Alley And A Bad Idea That Says You Should Shut Your Mouth, la lang. haha! i've got nothing to say, really. just that thinking about what i've been dealing with for the past few days, everything else seems so small. yes, including what's happening to me for several months now. it's so petty. everything's so complicated. i'm complicated, i guess that's why setting me up with someone will not work (d'you hear me chase?) because i'm too emotional, i've got too many hung ups, i've got a lot to think about as it is, and i've got no time for more problems.

of barbaric hotness and beatiful friends (including chase)

Last Friday, I’ve got no choice but to watch Tarzan. It’s not like I don’t want to watch it, pero I wanted to watch a movie sana but unfortunately there were no good films that night, which was weird considering that it was a Friday night. Anyway, after Kala saved baby Tarzan, and Phil Collins’ Two hearts One Family played, man, I got the chills. And, You’ll Be In My Heart still makes me cry. Friday Realization: though I’ve leveled up to teen movies, ima be a Disney baby at heart forever. Anyway, I was in elementary the last time I’ve watched it, and well, nakalimutan kong nakakaiyak pala talaga sya and that ang pogi lang ni Tarzan eh. (segway onti, it’s really weird whenever I’ve got a fictional crush. And no, I don’t mean characters and real people from teleseryes or movies only, but from mangas as well. Haha! Well, forgive me for not having a life. And for having mad crushes over drawings.) return to Tarzan, my favorite part was when kala’s what’s-his-name husband was dying and he called Tarzan ‘my son’ and Tarzan had this look on his face. Man, was that scene funny or what? Well, I kinda cried, haha, but thinking about it. It’s pretty funny. Oha, kelan p naging honor matawag na anak ng gorilla. That scene was super talaga! And well, is it not unfair for Jane, yeah, Tarzan loves her but she’s like the only woman of Tarzan’s species that he’s seen. Diba?

anyway, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY DEAREST CHASE. i know it's lame, but i kinda miss calling you 'til d end', not tde ha, as in complete, til d end. hmm?? and damn you, we planned for that surprise party, it would've been fun. sayang. i hope you're happy though, it's your day!! nabagyo amp. haha! :) anyway, what's up with you? it's crazy that you're setting me up with someone. i mean you've done it like the third time already, the first two it kinda felt like you were pushing me away to someone you don't really know much about. i have to admit, i hated you for that. especially since the second guy was a real loser, and you know just how much i got offended. it's kinda weird, cause back in highschool it's like you're always keeping guys off my back. you were my keeper. and now it's like you're giving me away. i miss the old chase, no, actually i miss JC. haha! :) jake's okay, i guess. this time you probably gave it a lot of thought, not like with the other two, it was so random, so unlike you, i don't know if you were just teasing or if you really wanted me to end up with them. mark and tj were teasing me too, but you're different, i expected much from you. okay. this is getting serious. haha!! i hated you for the first two incidents, that's the truth, with this one, im okay with, siguro kasi it's kinda serious the way you told me about it, and you said he's nice and that i can judge for myself naman. or maybe because you think i'm desperately in need of a man in my life. hahaha! am i that lonely? i guess...

to my two beautiful bes, who got their feet sore for window shopping with me. love you forever. we're going to buy that baby phat dress, or else. haha!

of heartbreaks and friendship.

chase and pat broke up. chase has been going on and on about how he's okay about it. for those who doesn't know him, siguro nga. because to me, he seems lost. i don't know, caught up with trying to be happy and trying to release the emotions all at the same time maybe. being a friend does not require you to know the things to say, does it? because if it does, then i sure failed. i'm struggling with comforts, i'm lost for words. naguguluhan din ako, should i let him wallow in sadness? or should i make him forget? i don't know how to be a good friend, i've always felt that being around is enough. oh but i guess he needs more than that. but what exactly does he need?
i've been walking with him twice since last night, should i initiate talking about 'it'. i figured that if he wanted to talk about it, then he'd probably start the conversation, pero wala eh, so i assumed that he doesn't want to talk about it. atleast not with me.

they wrote about how we should help our girlfriends cope with heartbreaks, guys get their hearts broken too, oh but that's the story never told.

whatever. whatever.

i have sir Joey for my thea107 class, which is a bummer because it would be so much fun, like icebag every monday and wednesday but he's not going to direct our production. so really, so much for the excitement. i'm not saying that i'm not thrilled to be working with sir Rufo, it's just i really want to know how sir Joey works. he said on our first class, "strive for perfection, so that if you do not attain it, you would be somewhere close" or something to that effect. there is a certain respect demanded by UP professors. not literally demanded, but i guess i always figured they deserve it, it's hard proving yourself to a class where half the students believe themselves to be better than you. i respect Sir Joey Vargas, as much as i respect the likes of ma'am Bucoy and sir Dumlao, because in every class they show you that they are better, but only for now, they are open to the possibility that time will come and you'll be so much better. and that they are a part of that painstaking process.

anyway, no classes yesterday. LAGUNA DAY. yey. anyway, Gel, Chase, Mark, Teej and I went to Paseo de Sta. Rosa, to have coffee. ha-ha. we went all the way there from Los Banos, just to have coffee. Gel bringing her car definitely made life easier. we hung out til 1 then we drove off to Tagaytay, and did nothing, we just drove. reached Laeuna de Taal, then drove again. arrived back at elbi by 3:30 and then Gel slept over. Elbi life without Bop is hard, i still can't believe she's in Diliman. i was so looking forward to 4 years together. i miss her so bad.

tuesday was a gloomy day. monday was so hooot, i was sweating like a construction worker, i bet i smelled like one too-so much for my first day, huh? but tuesday felt like december. and we were all stuck at home, watching korean movies. i love it anyway! no bonding like korean marathons. no love stories like korean romance movies. they know

after classes, Gel and i hung out. she'd definitely be hanging out at the apartment more than usual, and i know how hard it is for her that she doesn't have Bop back in her dorm. anyway, after that we had dinner at westbrook, her treat. and then we went star gazing, where? where else, freedom park. it was fun, i haven't really talked to her for the longest time. i guess i missed her too.

i have PE tomorrow. aeroboxing. i always find new ways to embarass myself. how great!