dodoooodo

WORST CONNECTION. not exactly that big a deal. but if it's a saturday night. with not one good movie on tv. and your cousins just left and you're bored to death not to mention sick. the only thing you could do is download games and play big fish games online. but the connection is WORSE than Worst. well it's a completely different story.

anyway, andito sila Ella kanina. they stayed until 11, i think. i love my cousins so much, i can even survive the fat comments when it comes from them. they actually think i can get any guy, achieve whatever i want, even save the world, if only i was a little thinner. sweet no? hahaha! they weren't surprised i was getting fat. the house was literally overflowing with party leftovers because my mom had a week long celebration.

so anyway. will sleep now.

singhot singa

this is tolerable. i mean, if it isn't i wouldn't survive 4days. minsan kasi okay, tas minsan sobrang sama lang ng pakiramdam ko. and i'm the kind of person na hindi pwedeng iwan pag may sakit, nadadapress ako. all day today i was stuck in my parents room, playing big fish games, which later made me dizzy. tas tuloy tuloy lang ang pasok ng pagkain, buko pie, barbeque, banana cake, doughnut, and the list goes on.. and all day din, puno ng tao yung bahay. para kong patabaing baboy na maarte't kailangan naka-aircon.

so anyway, can you imagine wala ni isang magandang movie, and i was watching tv since 3 this afternoon. good thing, pinalabas yung partition. which i love. so okay, medyo hindi maganda yung linyang "she made me want to live again" natawa lang ako sa asar. haha! but i love the movie, i did not enjoy it as it is not the ending i wanted, but it is a good movie. at ever since naman gandang ganda lang talaga ko kay kristin kreuk. basta ang ganda. ang ganda ng scenes sa field, o nung naliligo sya sa ulan. ang ganda nya sa blue, orange at pink na tela. hahaha! anyway, the lead guy was familiar(and kinda cute too) but i couldn't remember where i saw him, so imdb-ed him. so guess where?? The Guru! The Truth About Love! HAHAHAHA! so i have to say, gusto ko ang pagkalabas nya sa Partition. i totally forgot his other roles :) (names Jimi Mistry by the way)

oh well. basta sana magaling na'ko bukas. masakit umubo, parang sasabog parati yung ulo ko. at nakakasawa suminghot at sumingha.

hello

wala na'kong balak mag-english kahit kailan. joke. nakakadepress na talaga ang eng102. andami ko ng post na di tinutuloy dahil baka mali ang grammar. sheeeet! ayoko ng magsulat talaga.

anong kinalaman ng litrato sa post na to? wala. gusto ko lang ipagmalaki ang pagkakaedit. haha! at hindi ko isheshare ang secret ko, at hindi yun photoshop dahil hindi ako marunong.

ang boring ng buhay ko. grabe. wala man lang ako maikwento. maliban sa oo, ang ganda ng twilight. at hindi ako twilight fan, okay fine kinilig ako sa libro pero ang pinakaayoko talaga eh kapag ginagawang movie. pumapangit kasi. well, syempre mas maganda pa rin yung book. still hindi panget yung movie. ang ganda ni bella :)

so yun. wala na. wala na kong masabi. gumawa nga pala ko ng xanga. panglimang blog ko na ata yun?? so syempre hindi yun magiging active dahil loyal ako sa blogger ko. at sumubok akong ipersonalize ang theme, but no! loser ko talaga eh. ang hirap kaya.

so eto seryoso na. wala na'kong masabi.

the first and last time math and marquez will be mentioned in one entry

just finished my second math exam, as expected, it was hard. the only difference is this time, i didn't feel depressed. maybe because i already accepted the fact that i suck at it. i was rushing the multiple choice part when i saw half the class leaving, i was excited to tell Denise and Ehm what my answer in the last part was, because i was certain it's right. and you could just imagine what kind of happiness that would bring me to get one problem solving right, and they were waiting for me outside the lecture hall, hopeful that it'll be their last time there, i was telling them that i got 3 and 12 on all sides, all excited only to find their blah faces. you know, the kind of faces you give when you don't know how to tell someone they're wrong...again. haha! it doesn't matter anyway, i'm used to it. and i'm prepared to take math11 again next sem. yeesss! another round of chase patiently explaining damn solutions to me. i remember how Tj was explaining how he got 1 as an answer in one problem and i started bawling like a stupid little poor girl on a toy store. bah! i know how to add my jeans, and count my change. that's all i nedd right? right. that and an accountant.

it's still early and already i'm done with angelo lacuesta's mermaid heart (which won the palanca) and tattoo. well they're just short stories so they're really nothing to brag about. but still, it's a little productive for someone as idle as myself. i liked tattoo, even if there're some medical terms and my father would've been disappointed if he ever found out it got me baffled. i liked it, not because my mom's name was mentioned ha, i liked it, just because.

anyway the semester's on the cliff, i'm just about ready to jump anytime soon. i can drop dead with all the failing or almost failing grades i will receive, but i can just fly and do better next time. okay, that was cheesy. but i've got high spirits. i always start the sem right, and then i get addicted to productions, and well, everyone knows what happens next. the rest of my academics suffer. i can't wait for sembreak, it's as promising as the rest of my past sembreaks. haha! Gabriel Garcia Marquez and Neil Gaiman are waiting for me at home. i'm crazy excited. i have to do some readings for my creative output/thesis and they're on top of my list. surprisingly, magical realism is the theme of my novel. exciting? scary.

i'm scared like whoa.

updates galore..or not

the cultural night is officially over, now i can focus on my production..or not.
still have a lot of things on my head, just got home from my math11 mock exam. ayokong magmath22!! i hate that i have a knack for sucking at everything. it's frustrating. once (okay, twice unless you want to take comsci11 instead) in a comarts student's life, one has to take math electives, and one would realize that truly, shit happens!

on a lighter note, i am harboring a schoolgirl crush on someone. which is actually insane because i haven't had this feelings since Desa, and that felt like a long time ago. but what's even crazier is that ... she's a girl. i know, i know. but like i said, it's just a schoolgirl crush. and she's not lesbo, mind you, she's actually a little girly.

dad's coming home tomorrow. yeeha!

i actually have more rantings, but i'll save it for tomorrow. it's early in the morning and i'm still on a good mood.

finally. kanina pa ko dapat nagbablog eh, but no, nareredirect ako sa kung saang page. virus, sakit sa ulo. wala naman talaga ko sasabihin, i'll only brag about my hectic sched next week, para kunwari i have a life. but really, suicide ako next week. in addition to my 7-10 tous les jours rehearsal, i also have a COMA105 exhibit, French script and exam, Fil21 quiz and finals tom na simula 3pm to 1am. tapos 8 am archery class the next day, waaaaaw man, ang sarap!

don't get me wrong, i'm not complaining, my body is. nightly rehearsals are not just line readings you know, we actually move our asses, bien sur it's not as hard as ate icing's workshop, but still masakit sa katawan ang shingga shingga na yan ah. and it's also not like it helps me lose some pounds, i compensate tiredness with pigging out like crazy. oh life is good. sarcasm makes it so much better.

Hinabing Pakpak ng ating mga Anak was probably the best play i ever watched. okay, okay, i've been a part of some of the best productions i've seen, but Dulaang UP's Hinabing Pakpak, is the best. seryoso. ok, i tend to exaggerate so i'm not going to say that their choreography is amazing, cause the truth is it's not so perfect. maganda yung movements ah pero, i don't know siguro dun may kulang. but the set, the performance, the costume-ang ganda! JC Santos? ANG GWAPO. okay, so i got this really crazy crush on Arnold Reyes when we watched Circa at CCP, i remember fantasizing about him for a couple of weeks, matagal tagal din, inaabang-abangan sya sa commercial. haha! this time, it's JC Santos. younger than Arnold Reyes, oha. and talented too. plus he signed my playbill. grabe the things i do to embarrass myself. haha! he asked me the title of our play. tsk tsk, should've asked him to watch.

anyway, i saw some of the photos from the UP Dil. people. pero onti plang. eto yung iba:

this is by mabel, b-an's beffy.

this is by kuya box (boks)

wala pa yung sa isang girl, yeah the one who drives like crazy. yon, wala pa. i won't post hazel's pictures kahit pa natetempt ako. haha! macocompare kasi. she's so pretty. actually this experience made me very insecure. oh well, i'll get over it.

whatver

everytime i'm not online, i think of all these stuff i want to write about. but as soon as i open my blogger account, my head goes blank. ofcourse, i do remember the nonsense i am about to fill this blog with, i just can't seem to collect the thoughts to actually make it into seemingly meaningful and relevant paragraphs. oh well, i guess i would have to just, keep it simple:

• i should've taken piano lessons this summer. i've already forgotten to read piano sheets, i tried to play coldplay's the scientist the other day, and well-i need some lessons.
• i was planning to write about the CFC issue. to defend the real CFC. although i'm not sure i am in the position to defend the community, being inactive and all - but still, i am a part of it and i do have my say about it.
• i'm broke. i spent too much this summer, even though it sure feels as if i was deprived of any summer activities. turns out i did went out and bought a lot.
• i also gained a lot of weight which sucks because i remember spending a lot of time (well, 30 mins max) exercising with my brother. and because i bought a new bikini that would look extremely good in any body other than mine.
• i'm not a 'brand' person. but i currently have a folder in my notebook containing pictures of overpriced bags and shoes that i want to get a hold of. including miu miu vitello lux satchel, that costs $1,150.00, i found one at ebay that costs a little lighter, P15,000++ okay?! that helped. i know that i won't be able to buy it, but still, i open the folder every once in awhile just looking at it.
• junior year is coming and i'm more scared than my first day in college.
• i don't want to sound like every 18 girl i know, but i hate my hair (i don't know why i had it cut anyway) and i feel fat and boring.
• i want to watch sex and the city and win carrie's manolos at the same time.
• sooner or later it is going to dawn on me that i wasted this summer over nothing productive when i should've 1.) wrote a bunch of poetry for my thesis 2.) read like crazy 3.) watched season 4 and 5 of One Tree Hill 4.) watched sex and the city or oc or whatever 5.) studied piano again
• i'm ranting, aren't i?
  

doodles over writing

i can stand the heat, it's the humidity that's killing me. when i was in canada, it also got pretty hot but you don't walk around feeling sticky like you just took a lotion bath. i don't know if it's why i can't do anything this summer. maybe it's just an excuse, the weather is the same for the past 17 summers of my life. i'm just too darn lazy to do anything productive. i hate it.

i have been picking up one from my supposedly 'summer books', and i also have been able to read half of it, or 1/4, i don't know. it's just, after that, i put it down. PUT IT DOWN!! what's that? i've never done that, i'm the type who can't, and won't put down a book once i've started reading it. papa said i must be reading dull books, i don't think so, something's wrong with me, that's what i think. i may be suffering from a sudden, dire need for illiteracy! ain't that quite scary? anyway, papa said i was not entirely unproductive, after all, i've spent half my days sleeping, and the other half googling sketches and trying to learn from them. i have improved much he said.

it's scary, i kinda like drawing more than writing now. again, WHAT IS THAT? i'm the girl who's got it all figured out. well, not really, but when i was young and all the girls my age wanted to be a teacher or a doctor, i wanted to be a writer. ofcourse, i did wish i could carry a tune and awe the audience in a good way at the same time, or dance like teacher chippy from satin slippers. but for as long as i could remember i never wanted to do anything else, but to write. when i was mature enough to realize that kids my age can write better than me, i still continued writing. by the time i failed enough to realize that i can't even write better than half my class who doesn't even know nick joaquin, i still continued writing. because i love it. but now i haven't written a single thing. and i am supposed to be, atleast starting a short story for my thesis. i have been doodling my days away, and the product are not exactly exhibit-worthy. i have been filling my jordi labanda notebook with silly sketches. and my dad fueled the fire by giving me all his art materials, which are, by the way, a lot. he even gave me the coolest professional-looking sketchpad-how can i say no to that??

i am, ugh, f-o-r-c-i-n-g myself to read. i am currently in page27 of Bridget Jones the edge of reason. in beautiful, beautiful hardbound. how can i not love it? why would i rather doodle? that is the question.

well, this is long. could this count as writing?

sorry i'm becoming fond of writing long dull entries

whenever i have a new favorite song, which i do have, every week, haha, i listen to it like crazy. til my ears bleed. til i hear no more. til i memorize every beat. oh basta, ganun na nga yung point. when the cranberries' just my imagination was blaring like a song on every station, except it was playing nonstop because it was then the only song in my 'favorites' playlist, the girls hated me. and they, along with the three guys, sang with great mockery along with dolores in her eleven 'just my imagination' lyrics. crazy. it wasn't the end of my hook na hook addiction (redundant shit) on my current favorite songs. they enjoyed the first few times i've played hey there delilah, or vulnerable or stolen. but they always get tired of it as early as day 1. seriously, it takes me more than that even if i listen to it a hundred times a day.

anyway, so i got myself really addicted to this youtube fan video of tristan and isolde (tristan and isolde cannot live a lie) and i have been watching it every single day. downloaded the background music and i listen to it everytime i have the chance. the good thing is, that i also watched another fan video, for secret sweethearts this time, and i fell inlove with the kite song. so i've been alternating it with carrie's i just can't live a lie. so there, they don't have to listen to one song the whole day. they get to listen to two. oh joy.

speaking of music. we were watching some sims2 video and stumbled upon some recreation (??) of Pink's family portrait and don't let me get me. before anything else, i'd like to say that i am not a big pink fan. but i loved these songs and well, it was from a long time ago. and it was a bit nostalgic and sad hearing them again. so okay, umiyak ako. but i do so all the time. thanks to these inborn eyebags made of onions.

speaking of crying. i've been crying too much lately. not because of anything that might be caused by my infamous stupidity, thank you dear Lord. but well, tristan and isolde is to blame really, what better way to make a lonely girl feel even lonelier than to show her true love (and how it only happens in the movies). then there's boku wa imouto ni woi suru, if i got that wrong---well i never really get it right, so okay lang yun. ofcourse i'm also dying to watch atonement, and no not because james mcavoy looks absolutely hot in the bath tub but because it hurts. yes, the way keira said come back to me. haaaay. denise cried at that part of the trailer too. did i mention i watched it for the millionth time tonight? well i did. and everytime, every freakin' time, i get so sad. COME BACK TO ME. dammit. why does she have to say it like that?

speaking of my favorite topic, desolation dammit. i'm actually doing well. quite happy. except ofcourse whenever i watch these damn youtube fanvideos and trailers. my heart is in good condition. feeling ko yung forgetting part of loving is finally taking place. kumbaga healing process na. okay, so i've felt it a million times before and actually ran back. pero ewan. feeling ko this time, i'm in control of my own emotions.

bago matapos ang entry na to, gusto ko lang ishare. i was reading some of the comments for boku wa imouto shit, secret sweethearts sa english, o kaya, i'm inlove with my sister. and i know it really does seem perverted. disturbing ba na i like it?? sorry. anyway. someone said that twins are lovers in their past lives. ganda diba? i have to constantly slap myself while watching the secret sweethearts anime, tell myself that they did not come from the same mother so i can guiltlessly feel kilig. sorry na kung nakakabother. i just, i love it, it's really sad. ganda.

tama na nga amf

am i allowed to worry?

i have to know, if this joining the frat decision is really something you thought about for a looooong time. because it seems to me as if it's really not helping you. i mean, that's what it's supposed to do, right? it's supposed to help you. it's supposed to be a benefit to you, in some way. but i'm always afraid for you, especially now. and you're beginning to be afraid for yourself as well. i don't know if it's just me or is something really wrong about this situation. because i can't let you walk by yourself, i'm tortured by imagining you walking alone, vulnerable to hits and whatever them other frat men do. but i let you walk alone kanina, and the way home from square was kinda painful for me, and when we got home gel told me she was thinking about it too. we should've walked with you, that's the only thing we have to do to save you from danger.

this is really making me crazy. i know you should be my keeper and protector and all, but now it seems as if you're the one who needs protecting eh. oh and i hate to tell you this because i'm sure you'll hate me for doing so but im starting to believe that it was a stupid idea. i do. the only reason why i didn't stop you is because i promised myself that i'll support you and because you told us you can do it and i didn't want to step on your pride by saying "no." and i owe it to you to believe that nothing bad will happen because you did get through everything alive, but i can't help but get worried.

MUST study.
MUST stop reading Chuvaness.com
and MUST start trying to get my own life.
hahaha!

i don't know if it's just me, or other people's lives are really just so much fun!
especially when they're rich and famous. and they want Goyard bags and get Goyard bags.
or that their sneakers are, God forbid, worth atleast 25 of my Old Navy sneaks, just because they have the *tentenenentenen* Vuitton print. or that they think Topshop is actually cheap while the farthest i've gone inside Topshop is the door because i realize just as soon that i'll only be disappointed. or because they write a hell lot better, making their blogs a 'tad' more fun to read.

hmm. that must be it.
so anyway, i talked to Franco in class today:
"lola mo ba si Gilda Fernando?"
nods, "oo, bakit?"
opens mouth for a few seconds, "wala. galing."
"pinabasa sya sa inyo? may binasa kayong sulat nya?" (how many grandchild have their literature teacher/professor ask them to research/read about their grandmother's literary work/s?)
"hindi. wala lang. she writes in the paper, diba?"
"oo, philippine daily inquirer. hindi na masyado, medyo mahina na sya."
"oo nga." (thanks to chuvaness, im up to date with Filipino literary news)
opens mouth again, for 5 secons, i think. "galing talaga eh."
"hello!" Denise said in a 'heller' tone, "franco?? kita naman diba, it's in the genes" she said,
well i have to admit, Franco is pretty good in writing, well, not pretty good. GOOD. kay?

i was so jealous, i just wanted to know how it is to have a lola like that. but then again, i felt really guilty. i remembered my own lola, she introduced me to the Curfew Must Not Ring Tonight, to Children's Hour and other literary favorites, and she was the reason why my father is just as good in writing, why my father has read numerous classics and has memorized several famous and not so famous poems. if i become a writer, which i already am, but i mean a real writer in the 'high-tech world' sense that people from my extended network would actually know my name, there would be no other that fueled the very passion that keeps me writing but my lola. her name might not be read in other prominent people's blogs, or she might not be mentioned on newspaper articles and her name might not printed on a hardbound under a title of a book i know very well she could've written, but her name will reappear in my handwriting and in my words. i don't feel so jealous now. i have my own Gilda Fernando only her name is much more beautiful and more personal, Fe Gardon.

battling ignorance

Frequent National Bookstore visitors will notice that the fiction section has grown inexcusably smaller. I find it terribly annoying that some Filipinos have very little interest in literature. Though love for books often starts at home, I think that it is also the school’s responsibility to bring their students closer to the enchanting world of words. I wasn’t blessed with a good literature teacher back in highschool, in fact I studied subject verb agreement year after year for four years. And honestly, It was a time badly wasted. (I envied my father’s kopong-kopong stories about what he learned from school, they read Edgar Allan Poe’s, Beuwolf’s and such.) I know for a fact that if we don’t do anything to stop it, the next generation will be dumber, less and less imaginative and dim-witted, thanks to the system of education, thanks to elementary and highschool teachers that teaches by the book and never by the words of Tolstoy and all them great. Back to National Bookstore, going through my usual browsing I observed that the classics, such as Hemmingway’s A Farewell to Arms, Harper Lee’s How to Kill A Mockingbird are now below 200 pesos. And I could only think of two reasons, two reasons that will either raise our hope for literacy among our unfortunate generation or prepare us for the downfall of the already sagging education. That they surprisingly lowered the prices to reach out to the financially poor lovers of a good read, or because literature is simply no longer of high value, that they are collecting dust in bookshelves full of expensive newer, sexier novels, that there is no other way to dispose them but to cut it’s real value. i would love to be able to talk to my children and hear them bragging about how they are receiving a better education that of that I received. Education should be improved by time, and yet it is always the opposite. When I was in high school, I asked one of my classmates if he has read this short story by Nick Joaquin, and he doesn’t even know him. I am ashamed of our lack of knowledge for these things, how do I expect kids my age to know H.G. Wells, if they don’t even know our national artist. People don’t feel ashamed that they don’t know about these great people and their equally great works, because everyone seems to not know it. Ignorance has become ordinary that everyone seem to think it’s cool, people who read and people who journey into the modern utopia become freaks. so I guess I’m a freak, then again so what?