First Sem Over

My semester is finally over. Contrary to my expectations, it was one of my hardest. I thought a production-free semester would mean I’d also be free from stress and strenuous workshops, but it turned out otherwise. Although hard, it is also a fun-filled semester. I remembered putting a list next to my bed of times Pen skipped class, times Chase got drunk, times I wished I were somewhere else, and genuinely happy times. I forgot all about it, because those are times in countless doses. I am extremely happy to be a semester away from graduation (and real life) but also extremely sad to be leaving behind a lot of people and a lot of good times here in LB Paradise. Here are some of the reasons why this sem is special:

• ENG106 – this is my one chance to expose my sentimental, over-emotional writing. It was also, supposedly, a venue to start my thesis. And so I was disappointed at first, to find that sir Caloi has decided we study poetry instead of short story writing. But I’ve grown so much as a writer through this class. And even finished a suite of poems, which by the way sir Caloi says is one of the best in class. This is an ego-boosting, feel-good, i-don’t-care-if-i-take-again class.

• Faustina’s – I remember uno nights at Café Antonio, Citrus Crème and Spamwich at Boston, Good ol’ Ham bonnet at Ristretto but nothing beats Faustina’s. Because 1.) Cheap, but good coffee 2.) Expensive, but good ribs 3.) Nice staff (I like nice people and good service) 4.) Clean, homey bathroom 5.) Classy royal purple walls and artsy interior 6.) Princess Gelly. I realized I went there once or twice at least in a week, but that I haven’t gone there without Gelly with me. Our pseudo-intellectual discussions of books and movies take place here. We spend hours, twice for five hours here. Faustina is next to home in LB.

• El Scorcho – Our (my, Chase’s and Gelly’s) bestfriend song. Weezer or Dashboard version, whichever. Chase and Gel are my new happy pills. I need them around, even if it means getting teased about being fat incessantly, to keep me sane. I love them both and our efforts to make time for each other.

• PANTAS – I know, I’ve been really busy with Gel and my “me time” so much that I’ve failed to do my job right. I also have been so inactive for the past months. But I love Pantas and I enjoy myself whenever we have to get together for a folio launch or an orientation, or whatever. Just not execom meetings, pleeaaase.

• Housemates – We now have beds, yes congratulations are in order. The house is messier than ever, but it’s not like we care. The whole place looks like a laundry room and cockroaches have now found a new home in our apartment. Sadako still lives in the bathroom, but is now free to roam the living room as well. And manang still resides under the kitchen sink and is now stealing dvds and pony tails too. But I will not exchange this paradise for Paris. No, not the movie nights, or the countless moments of nonsense laughter, or lunch at Tita’s, or inside jokes. This will forever be home to me.

Now that I think of it. Leaving doesn’t sound so good. Yes, the list of times and reasons why I wish I am somewhere else may outnumber these, but here when I am happy, I really am happy. Most people would spend a lifetime finding where they belong, and I know I say I belong somewhere else, but I think maybe this is it.

highlights

i'm actually not in the mood to write, but since i'm awake so early and i have nothing to do anyway, i figured what the heck. and since i don't have anything crazy or whatever to write about, i'll write about the highlights of my past weeks.


selle and weng back in the apartment.

we had an italian night during the first week of classes. the pizza, the pesto, the roasted chicken, the works. parang first sem lang.
and they were also here last week, kasi nagvideoke kami dahil may dalang magicsing si denise.
tine's missing, but she goes to the apartment a lot, only i think she goes straight up to the boyfriend's apartment.

Joseph and Ehm: Finally together
so she's been going up a lot too, and i often find myself alone in the apartment.
or with mark and denise, playing cards or doing whatever just to stop ourselves form sleeping early.
okay, a bit exaggerated , although some nights were like this though, dagdagan mo pa ng pancit canton.
anyway, i'm happy for both of them. ehm's really happy and she deserves to be.

Burger King Date
we've been going out together or staying in the apartment a lot lately, i know it won't be like this once 'real' studying starts. so i'm enjoying it.
we went to burger king, the second week of the school year, i think. we didn't stay long though, we all had lots to do at the apartment. i had fun.
eto yung mga klase ng araw/gabi na i don't care if i eat a lot, if i gained a couple of pounds in just one sitting, basta masaya.

Diliman and Trinoma with Pen
ok. this did not happen in elbi, but anyway, ehm, pen and i went to diliman to buy the book for eng1.
tas nagtrinoma kami. ehm and i are so happy cause we already know how to get to trinoma, to boni, to diliman, from binan. feeling naman namin we can get anywhere just because of this.
also pen's been staying at the apartment for the past two weeks. i'm glad she became friends with chase, mark and tj.
she goes on a self-declared holiday and we have classes til 7, we go home and find our apartment squeaky clean.
next week, we're going to teach her how to cook, para pag uwi namin
may pagkain na rin. hahaha. joke lang.

i got a haircut...again.
i know. it's crazy. i miss my long hair, sobra. and i know i've been ranting about just how much pero i had it cut.
shorter than ever, i have no idea what's gotten over me. it's ugly.
when i had long hair, or even the last short one, almost every other day was bad hair day, but still there are days that they actually look decent, beautiful, even. eh ngayon, everyday bad hair day, seryosos. it's that bad. i won't even post a picture.

no dull moment
that should be posted right outside, in the middle of 102 and 103's door.
lately lots of things have been going on the apartment. meetings. videoke nights. card nights. inuman session. chismisan. i wonder when vane and gel would start suggesting their usual - poker and bingo. i crave quiet nights too, and we actually had one last week. pen, denise and i just watched clueless in marks room. and after that when most of the apartment people has arrived, tumambay lang kami sa tapat ng apartment, para magchismisan at kung mag anu pa.

oh yan. yan lang naman talaga ang nangyayari sa elbi, nothing about acads. joke lang. well actually, i've tons to do for acads. i've to memorize my lines for the scene study chever for thea108. i've to do a paper about agyu and a tanaga for fil 21. i also have to be done with the brochure, and study for coma105. maybe i could fit in a movie night next week. or atleast a dinner at bonitos. or not.

sorry i'm becoming fond of writing long dull entries

whenever i have a new favorite song, which i do have, every week, haha, i listen to it like crazy. til my ears bleed. til i hear no more. til i memorize every beat. oh basta, ganun na nga yung point. when the cranberries' just my imagination was blaring like a song on every station, except it was playing nonstop because it was then the only song in my 'favorites' playlist, the girls hated me. and they, along with the three guys, sang with great mockery along with dolores in her eleven 'just my imagination' lyrics. crazy. it wasn't the end of my hook na hook addiction (redundant shit) on my current favorite songs. they enjoyed the first few times i've played hey there delilah, or vulnerable or stolen. but they always get tired of it as early as day 1. seriously, it takes me more than that even if i listen to it a hundred times a day.

anyway, so i got myself really addicted to this youtube fan video of tristan and isolde (tristan and isolde cannot live a lie) and i have been watching it every single day. downloaded the background music and i listen to it everytime i have the chance. the good thing is, that i also watched another fan video, for secret sweethearts this time, and i fell inlove with the kite song. so i've been alternating it with carrie's i just can't live a lie. so there, they don't have to listen to one song the whole day. they get to listen to two. oh joy.

speaking of music. we were watching some sims2 video and stumbled upon some recreation (??) of Pink's family portrait and don't let me get me. before anything else, i'd like to say that i am not a big pink fan. but i loved these songs and well, it was from a long time ago. and it was a bit nostalgic and sad hearing them again. so okay, umiyak ako. but i do so all the time. thanks to these inborn eyebags made of onions.

speaking of crying. i've been crying too much lately. not because of anything that might be caused by my infamous stupidity, thank you dear Lord. but well, tristan and isolde is to blame really, what better way to make a lonely girl feel even lonelier than to show her true love (and how it only happens in the movies). then there's boku wa imouto ni woi suru, if i got that wrong---well i never really get it right, so okay lang yun. ofcourse i'm also dying to watch atonement, and no not because james mcavoy looks absolutely hot in the bath tub but because it hurts. yes, the way keira said come back to me. haaaay. denise cried at that part of the trailer too. did i mention i watched it for the millionth time tonight? well i did. and everytime, every freakin' time, i get so sad. COME BACK TO ME. dammit. why does she have to say it like that?

speaking of my favorite topic, desolation dammit. i'm actually doing well. quite happy. except ofcourse whenever i watch these damn youtube fanvideos and trailers. my heart is in good condition. feeling ko yung forgetting part of loving is finally taking place. kumbaga healing process na. okay, so i've felt it a million times before and actually ran back. pero ewan. feeling ko this time, i'm in control of my own emotions.

bago matapos ang entry na to, gusto ko lang ishare. i was reading some of the comments for boku wa imouto shit, secret sweethearts sa english, o kaya, i'm inlove with my sister. and i know it really does seem perverted. disturbing ba na i like it?? sorry. anyway. someone said that twins are lovers in their past lives. ganda diba? i have to constantly slap myself while watching the secret sweethearts anime, tell myself that they did not come from the same mother so i can guiltlessly feel kilig. sorry na kung nakakabother. i just, i love it, it's really sad. ganda.

tama na nga amf

another moheeecaaaaaah amp day

i've been having a lot of bad days lately. but this is by far the worst. guess why? moheeeecaaaaa!
i'm so pissed off. i'm emotionally and mentally drained. i can't stop bawling. i sooo hate this day.

and it's so selfish, i know, but i've been wanting tj to be home so i can talk to him. gel picked me up from ncas and i come home to ehm, and i talked to them both. i cried to mark and selle too, it's just different when it's tj. i was used to coming home to him on bad days like this one. and i guess i have to accept the fact that im not the center of the world. i can't expect my friends to gather round me and listen to me cry whenever moheeeca is having a bitch fit. but im just not strong enough to face it on my own. i don't understand why someone like me who was raised to be otherwise could have such a faint heart.

i've probably dehydrated myself from crying too much. im so scared to lose my energy for the christmas party later, but im okay now. i guess i gotta start trying to depend on myself more.

anyway, merry christmas loves. sana masaya ang party na to! <3

back to normal

let's divert from my day to day emotional drama and move on to what's more important. serious much? i'm supposed to deliver my speech this spcm104 meeting, actually i was supposed to have delivered it last meeting. but no. argh. my persuasive speech is about death penalty. over rated? well, not for me. i'm VERY pro life. anyway, it heated up a debate the one time i opened the topic with some of the 05s. so i guess it's a pretty okay topic.

my hist2 prof who insisted she be called Panginoon is absent today. thank the REAL God. i have to admit, i get offended whenever she refers to herself as a God, take note, God not goddess.

last night, when i was supposedly studying for hist2, i found Weng's songbook. so we decided to crash at Keatre's place, as we always do, equipped with Selle's guitar and Weng's golden voice we disrupted Joseph and Eme's study time. asa. twas fun. singing oldies, i mean. it reminds me of long trips with the 'rents. my dad's a big beatles fan, and i grew up listening to michael learns to rock, bread, eagles and such. joseph and weng are too, so we felt bit nostalgic. i felt sad when Weng was singing it's all coming back to me now. hahaha. whaaaaaaaat?? it is a bit sad, really.

long entry ahead

this sem was the fastest ever, but i constantly felt the need for it to end. everything was so tiring, mostly because of the play. other than that, everything else was just plain complicated. i'm beginning to love that word, complicated. it sums up everything that's been going on with my life lately. haha! anyway, when i finally felt the semester dawning, how i wish i could pull back time so i could have a few more moments at the apartment, a few more bonding sessions with my housemates. but i guess, i needed the break as well. everything is in such a fast pace that i feel in dire need of something to stop me from running over everything.

this morning, in the shower, i kept repeating my speech over and over again. this is about the nth time i've done it. i'm good at writing the things i want to tell him, but no, i lack the courage to say 'em. sure, we've been talking more and more each day now, i've got this silly hope that soon we'll be back to the friends we were. but i miss our silences, i miss when we talk with our hearts for what our words won't be able to say. i miss a lot of things. but i've no intention of bringing em back now. i just want to completely get over everything. tj, of all people should understand. if there is anyone who knew everything i went through, it's him, but i guess it's hard to understand such a selfish decision. i'm crazy. i should stop writing about it, it only gives me a documented proof of how stupid i am. i won't move on. so i guess i'm only saying, that i'm going to stop trying. dammit. i'm so fickle minded.

anyway, i've got the whole sembreak planned out. i should be able to finish atleast 3 classics, i'm choosing between 2 shakespeare comedies, hg wells' time machine and modern utopia or beuwolf. hmmm. wadya think? i've got about 30 korean movies to finish, haha! crazy, right? i was actually watching my girl and i last night. man, i cried in the first scene. them damn koreans know how to make a lonely girl like me feel deprived. the line was "su ho still can't forget you. his brain is tiny, but it's filled with thoughts about you. let go of my friend, please." and this line was being screamed into the sea, to a girl who's been dead for 10 years already. su ho was obviously stuck, it made me cringe more. with jealousy i guess. i'd exchange any intelligent guy for one who'd love me 10 years after i die.
the other day i stayed up until 4 am, talking to joseph when he was supposedly studying for math. we talked about selle. i hit him hard with the pillow everytime he say something nice. because i feel lonely. because all the time i was sitting there beside him, i was thinking how much i wish i was sitting there with someone else, and that someone else telling me nice things too. i get so desperate sometimes. can't help but remember my dad, he told me a month ago ata, that i shouldn't get too desperate, all i have to do is wait because i deserve a prince daw. touching, ha? my dad thinks i'm a princess, i can't even have a damned beggar tas he thinks i'll be able to snag myself a prince. perhaps the shining armor. but not the prince. haha!

not everything's been going fine. but i always had something to hold on to, it's the thought that when it's not okay, then it's probably not the end. diba? it makes sense to me, and it keeps me strong.

i miss writing. like really writing. i mean, i write, but not as well as i think i can. i don't know what happened. papa kept pushing, it's okay when he does, i feel as if i'm not pushed enough to work harder. growing up, i always felt that i was competing with him. ofcourse i never could win, but i love the feeling of defeat, i love that he always know the meaning of the words i throw at him, i love that he keeps reiterating how his vocabulary got so wide, i love his stories about his childhood, about lola who was an english public school teacher. i love it because i always feel that there's more i can do to improve. i guess that's why i started this blog, i don't feel challenged writing in english, but i can only write about one emotion in such a way that it becomes almost like a figment, like a shadow luring at every black and white photo, embracing a widower's cold shoulders over her husbands grave, enveloping a mother in her third miscarriage. see? only one emotion. sadness. i need to write about others things too.

bes is here in elbi. :)

to sum it all up, everything's a mess

chaotic three days. i wish i could write everything, but i lack the energy, sobra sa emosyon kulang sa lakas. i've been switching from mood to mood lately and i'm getting tired of all the drama. everything's getting under my skin, and i'm really confused whether i should be happy or sad about some things. im pissed, that's for certain but other than that i have a kaleidoscope of emotions drowning me in bittersweet tears.

in three days, i fought and made up with one of my most loved boys, made the biggest decision of my life, made friends with them guys upstairs, missed a fun night of drunk guys, cried my heart out over another broken heart and the choice to make it stay that way, had more revelations to last a lifetime, finished a portfolio and a paper, had laughs with my favorite people in the world, and slept with my heart heavier than it already is. i hate life sometimes.

grabe talaga. i really wish i could be genuinely happy. it's been a while na rin kasi and i deserve to be happy. atleast i think so. and it's really selfish, what i'm trying to do now, but for once i'm actually thinking of myself. everybody else is wishing for things to get better between US, but it's really not that easy, i'm so tired. you've changed. it might take me forever to understand why this is supposed to be better than before, and i'd normally say i'd wait. but i'm tired. i've been thinking of noone but you for the last 2 years. i've got to start thinking of myself now.

i've got to learn to love ME.

vanity attack!

monday lunch date with bop and gel, spent P180 for a meal. grr! im supposed to be saving money for bop's debut and my trip to uste, but i so love food! anyway, the three of us we're supposed to see each other again in math class later this afternoon, which is great because 2hour lunch dates doesn't quite make it. but math class was canceled. whoopy for me! it means no friggin billy sison, and more time to read othello, which is not really that much fun but i really should be done with it by tonight. yey! puyat mode ulit. coffee. wee!

selle, weng, tine and i went to the rooftop and i brought along with me my Othello book, but it just lied there, overlooked and unloved. haha! with our chapped lips we were singing, accompanied by weng's guitar, we were singing so loud that our voices were probably heard in the first floor. i am quite baffled as to why it's so cold here in elbi. is it usually cold this time of the year? it feels like we're in baguio.

vanity attack, there's no stopping it. we took tons of photos to wrap up the rooftop event. haha!

twas fun, ofcourse. even though if someone happens to pass by the dirt road we'd look totally foolish, and, well, uh, vain. anyway, later tonight we'll be celebrating kuya karl's bday. yey! lots and lots of food. ok, i should be readin othello by now. gotta go be productive.