caught in a middle

BESTFRIEND LOVE.

can't wait to have them over for our yearly sleepover. we'll see each other tomorrow, i think. it's a good thing Shoji came back home, made all of us want to see each other tons. but we're meeting up so much that i'm forgetting the reason behind not having summer classes. THESIS, sounds familiar? demmet. i'm so lazy. atleast i'm productive, piano and cooking lessons, whattup!

but i might not graduate on time. one mad idea, that's all i need for this thesis to work. and maybe, a little time and discipline.

SASASASUMMER

SUMMER SUMMER SUMMER!

This summer is by far the most promising. much much thankful to Shoji and Anna who decided they're getting far too missed. Well actually, Shoji's leaving tomorrow and Anna will be arriving on the 21st. yeah, i know, di manlang nagpangabot.

Summer is Love, it will forever be! too bad i'm single. hahaha! actually, i don't mind. been spending too much time with Nicole and there's no better way to spend Summer! everything's so perfect, sana hindi ma-jinx. haha!

SUMMER IS LALALALOVE

beachin with our boys

it was my 18th birthday the last time i saw Shoji, so when he came home last March30 i couldn't wait to see him. but ofcourse i couldn't (no thanks to exams i wouldn't pass anyway). so we really only got together last monday, on a much awaited trip to nasugbu. i realized that no matter how many times i find an excuse to skip dinner or booze nights with them, i will always go back and realize that they're the best thing that ever happened to me! walang tatalo sa highschool friends.so while my parents were probably worrying that im ssomewhere far with 11 boys, haha, i couldn't possibly be safer. we can't even walk far without having one of them guarding our backs. forgive us for enjoying being donyas for two days, sitting pretty at our beach chairs while the boys cook, clean and take care of us. it's not so long ago that we're the ones expected to take care of them. and as we gathered round the table that doubles as bonfire with all the cigarettes lit that night we girls all sighed at how our little boys are growing up. well except for Allen, who was badly burnt thanks to his endless antics, his ugly ugly sand castle and his asking for feet like a silly marian rivera on the seashore. we used to worry so much about them, but i guess there's no need to now. Shoji's so mature. nakakagulat na nga sobra how Japan and working changed him. actually nakakagulat how we all changed. how we all went from boys and girls running around the elem building to the medyo mature mabisyo people we/they are now. haha! nakakamiss how it was all simple then and yet i couldn't help but smile at how far we've all gone, together.

we'll be back to our normal busy selves come June, and i don't want to return to reality. Nic and i can't stop talking about how sad we are that it's over. that we have to wait another year. the last 2 days were so perfect, and bitin ofcourse. next year daw, we'll do it again for four days. and i seriously can't wait. the promise of sand, sunsets andBESTFRIENDS makes me feel all warm inside. I love love love them. to the moon and back.

Merry Christmas

These situations would more often than not cause Nicole to tell me I’m being all Peyton-y, making a supposedly simple situation very complicated. Ella, would simply take my side. She would tell me I look way prettier, or that I’m smarter and that I’m better than all these. She would bitch on the other girl making me feel all better (sorry na). She’s my cousin, I know, but somehow she always sound sincere. I remember all those Friday nights when I’d come home from elbi, I’d call her instantly and tell her about my exciting college life and she’d listen with gaiety, both scared and thrilled in realizing that she too, will be in college soon. I don’t get to talk to her much anymore, she’s not home til Saturday night and well, my supposedly exciting college life would no longer match hers. And her highschool friends who are mine too are no longer my only rivals, now I have to compete for her time with her college friends too. I get too selosa when it comes to close friends. I guess I really am selfish, there was assurance then when I’d come home broken hearted that she would always be just a phone call away. Now, I have to wait til Saturday.

Christmas is the perfect holiday to hang out with her again. And just right before Christmas we had a text marathon, I was telling her how this years Christmas is just as cold inside as it is outside. Here goes my snowy Christmas story:

As I had so publicly announced on my multiply account, right after last year’s Christmas, I gave santa 11 months to prepare for my wish. And I was a good girl this year, okay fine, a little less naughtY. But amusingly stupid to believe a year (and a few painful months combined) of waiting would eventually pay off with a wrapped love right outside my bedroom door. Last Christmas was so painful I didn’t think it could possibly get worse, then ta-dah, here comes this Christmas. Even more painful because there is fear in realizing that this is actually how I might be for the next ten thousand christmasses, lonely, waiting. Im no longer writing santa another pathetic wish, im praying with all the life left in me for probably the most painful thing there is. “Go for her if that’s what you truly want, I know she likes you too so it won’t be that much of a problem, she’s far and well, we both know what happened with the last one, don’t let the distance get in the way, you deserve to be happy, and all year round I’ll be praying for one thing, for this to work for you.”

If I would be given pain, then give it all already. Im so tired waiting for another painful blow. Im so tired feeling all messed up knowing something could be worse. Im so tired of knowing and remembering over and over again that another year would only promise me one thing: more pain! Yey. So I am being all Peyton-y, so I’m being brooke and haley too, all at the same time. I don’t care. There’s just so much hurt in my heart and I can’t say that I can no longer take it, and I could ask someone, anyone to save me but I know deep down, that I’ll stay anyway. Because this is where I belong, with you. even if you belong with someone else. I don’t care dammit. I’ll watch you two together, I can take your pictures if you want and I could choose your gifts for her as I’d done with all the others. I could do that. I don’t know, with everything I’ve done, i guess there’s nothing I won’t be able to do anymore.

OH, OKAY NA??? I’m letting it all out so that 2008 will be, I don’t know, better. Pablo Neruda said that as love is so short, forgetting is so long and I guess 2 years of love would mean, hmmm, 5 years of forgetting??? Noooo! Hahaha. Im hoping for a better year.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

nicole's havin lotsa fun

nicole got drunk. haha! told me i make simple things complicated. i guess so. i guess i do.

anyway, chase kept building his friend up. ang hirap isulat lhat ng sinabi nya eh. pero bsta, i don't know if i should be happy. both my bestfriends(chase and nicole) are rooting for jake. teej is rooting for whoever owns my heart. wow. as if that person wants me too. haha!! i don't know if i should follow my heart and sulk, or i if should follow my friends and open up to another person. haha! jake seems nice though. if not, then chase won't be able to forgive himself. haha!

i can't sleep, dammit. and i can't write anything other than these no frills blog entries. haha! it's okay though. im trying to keep everything simple. so as to avoid complications. haha! :)

i'll try to get some sleep now.

long entry ahead

this sem was the fastest ever, but i constantly felt the need for it to end. everything was so tiring, mostly because of the play. other than that, everything else was just plain complicated. i'm beginning to love that word, complicated. it sums up everything that's been going on with my life lately. haha! anyway, when i finally felt the semester dawning, how i wish i could pull back time so i could have a few more moments at the apartment, a few more bonding sessions with my housemates. but i guess, i needed the break as well. everything is in such a fast pace that i feel in dire need of something to stop me from running over everything.

this morning, in the shower, i kept repeating my speech over and over again. this is about the nth time i've done it. i'm good at writing the things i want to tell him, but no, i lack the courage to say 'em. sure, we've been talking more and more each day now, i've got this silly hope that soon we'll be back to the friends we were. but i miss our silences, i miss when we talk with our hearts for what our words won't be able to say. i miss a lot of things. but i've no intention of bringing em back now. i just want to completely get over everything. tj, of all people should understand. if there is anyone who knew everything i went through, it's him, but i guess it's hard to understand such a selfish decision. i'm crazy. i should stop writing about it, it only gives me a documented proof of how stupid i am. i won't move on. so i guess i'm only saying, that i'm going to stop trying. dammit. i'm so fickle minded.

anyway, i've got the whole sembreak planned out. i should be able to finish atleast 3 classics, i'm choosing between 2 shakespeare comedies, hg wells' time machine and modern utopia or beuwolf. hmmm. wadya think? i've got about 30 korean movies to finish, haha! crazy, right? i was actually watching my girl and i last night. man, i cried in the first scene. them damn koreans know how to make a lonely girl like me feel deprived. the line was "su ho still can't forget you. his brain is tiny, but it's filled with thoughts about you. let go of my friend, please." and this line was being screamed into the sea, to a girl who's been dead for 10 years already. su ho was obviously stuck, it made me cringe more. with jealousy i guess. i'd exchange any intelligent guy for one who'd love me 10 years after i die.
the other day i stayed up until 4 am, talking to joseph when he was supposedly studying for math. we talked about selle. i hit him hard with the pillow everytime he say something nice. because i feel lonely. because all the time i was sitting there beside him, i was thinking how much i wish i was sitting there with someone else, and that someone else telling me nice things too. i get so desperate sometimes. can't help but remember my dad, he told me a month ago ata, that i shouldn't get too desperate, all i have to do is wait because i deserve a prince daw. touching, ha? my dad thinks i'm a princess, i can't even have a damned beggar tas he thinks i'll be able to snag myself a prince. perhaps the shining armor. but not the prince. haha!

not everything's been going fine. but i always had something to hold on to, it's the thought that when it's not okay, then it's probably not the end. diba? it makes sense to me, and it keeps me strong.

i miss writing. like really writing. i mean, i write, but not as well as i think i can. i don't know what happened. papa kept pushing, it's okay when he does, i feel as if i'm not pushed enough to work harder. growing up, i always felt that i was competing with him. ofcourse i never could win, but i love the feeling of defeat, i love that he always know the meaning of the words i throw at him, i love that he keeps reiterating how his vocabulary got so wide, i love his stories about his childhood, about lola who was an english public school teacher. i love it because i always feel that there's more i can do to improve. i guess that's why i started this blog, i don't feel challenged writing in english, but i can only write about one emotion in such a way that it becomes almost like a figment, like a shadow luring at every black and white photo, embracing a widower's cold shoulders over her husbands grave, enveloping a mother in her third miscarriage. see? only one emotion. sadness. i need to write about others things too.

bes is here in elbi. :)

of barbaric hotness and beatiful friends (including chase)

Last Friday, I’ve got no choice but to watch Tarzan. It’s not like I don’t want to watch it, pero I wanted to watch a movie sana but unfortunately there were no good films that night, which was weird considering that it was a Friday night. Anyway, after Kala saved baby Tarzan, and Phil Collins’ Two hearts One Family played, man, I got the chills. And, You’ll Be In My Heart still makes me cry. Friday Realization: though I’ve leveled up to teen movies, ima be a Disney baby at heart forever. Anyway, I was in elementary the last time I’ve watched it, and well, nakalimutan kong nakakaiyak pala talaga sya and that ang pogi lang ni Tarzan eh. (segway onti, it’s really weird whenever I’ve got a fictional crush. And no, I don’t mean characters and real people from teleseryes or movies only, but from mangas as well. Haha! Well, forgive me for not having a life. And for having mad crushes over drawings.) return to Tarzan, my favorite part was when kala’s what’s-his-name husband was dying and he called Tarzan ‘my son’ and Tarzan had this look on his face. Man, was that scene funny or what? Well, I kinda cried, haha, but thinking about it. It’s pretty funny. Oha, kelan p naging honor matawag na anak ng gorilla. That scene was super talaga! And well, is it not unfair for Jane, yeah, Tarzan loves her but she’s like the only woman of Tarzan’s species that he’s seen. Diba?

anyway, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY DEAREST CHASE. i know it's lame, but i kinda miss calling you 'til d end', not tde ha, as in complete, til d end. hmm?? and damn you, we planned for that surprise party, it would've been fun. sayang. i hope you're happy though, it's your day!! nabagyo amp. haha! :) anyway, what's up with you? it's crazy that you're setting me up with someone. i mean you've done it like the third time already, the first two it kinda felt like you were pushing me away to someone you don't really know much about. i have to admit, i hated you for that. especially since the second guy was a real loser, and you know just how much i got offended. it's kinda weird, cause back in highschool it's like you're always keeping guys off my back. you were my keeper. and now it's like you're giving me away. i miss the old chase, no, actually i miss JC. haha! :) jake's okay, i guess. this time you probably gave it a lot of thought, not like with the other two, it was so random, so unlike you, i don't know if you were just teasing or if you really wanted me to end up with them. mark and tj were teasing me too, but you're different, i expected much from you. okay. this is getting serious. haha!! i hated you for the first two incidents, that's the truth, with this one, im okay with, siguro kasi it's kinda serious the way you told me about it, and you said he's nice and that i can judge for myself naman. or maybe because you think i'm desperately in need of a man in my life. hahaha! am i that lonely? i guess...

to my two beautiful bes, who got their feet sore for window shopping with me. love you forever. we're going to buy that baby phat dress, or else. haha!