math11 sucks. or maybe it's just me. tinuturuan ako ni chase kaninang madaling araw and my mind flies, i can't focus when someone i'm talking to is talking about numbers. nakakaasar.

but forget about that. i'm ready for math22 anyway.

1st semester is finally over. i was a part of two succesful plays, i've got new friends, and well it's a good semester if you leave out a LOT of things. anyway, i've planned out my sembreak although i'm sure to be bored anyhow.

my to buy list includes:

• staedler pens
• pilot drawing pen (o2 and 03)
• a new sketchpad (my last one's ready to retire)
• a haruki murakami book
• a gg marquez book

so pretty much, i'll be doing lots of reading and drawing. IM DRAWING AGAIN! which is good. because i love my new kind of art. my brother says its good, so that's good enough for me. and frankie says ang galing ko daw. well, out of all the other compliments, those two is what matters. first because my brother is the master (joke) and second because franco is kupal.

speaking of franco, the other night, at the prod party while everyone is enjoying the airconed rooms and there were probably just 7 of us left awake we got into a serious conversation. first about why i couldn't get over he who must not be named (how original), about writing (my favorite topic) and well, lots of stuff. i love conversations with franco even if he inserts theories and all that intellectual stuff only he understands, because i get a lot from it. we talked about writing, how i'm afraid to find out that i can't write. because i'm not good at it, and the only thing that keeps me writing is because i love it (and i usually get teary-eyed during this part haha) and he said that in writing, it's all you really need.

highlights

i'm actually not in the mood to write, but since i'm awake so early and i have nothing to do anyway, i figured what the heck. and since i don't have anything crazy or whatever to write about, i'll write about the highlights of my past weeks.


selle and weng back in the apartment.

we had an italian night during the first week of classes. the pizza, the pesto, the roasted chicken, the works. parang first sem lang.
and they were also here last week, kasi nagvideoke kami dahil may dalang magicsing si denise.
tine's missing, but she goes to the apartment a lot, only i think she goes straight up to the boyfriend's apartment.

Joseph and Ehm: Finally together
so she's been going up a lot too, and i often find myself alone in the apartment.
or with mark and denise, playing cards or doing whatever just to stop ourselves form sleeping early.
okay, a bit exaggerated , although some nights were like this though, dagdagan mo pa ng pancit canton.
anyway, i'm happy for both of them. ehm's really happy and she deserves to be.

Burger King Date
we've been going out together or staying in the apartment a lot lately, i know it won't be like this once 'real' studying starts. so i'm enjoying it.
we went to burger king, the second week of the school year, i think. we didn't stay long though, we all had lots to do at the apartment. i had fun.
eto yung mga klase ng araw/gabi na i don't care if i eat a lot, if i gained a couple of pounds in just one sitting, basta masaya.

Diliman and Trinoma with Pen
ok. this did not happen in elbi, but anyway, ehm, pen and i went to diliman to buy the book for eng1.
tas nagtrinoma kami. ehm and i are so happy cause we already know how to get to trinoma, to boni, to diliman, from binan. feeling naman namin we can get anywhere just because of this.
also pen's been staying at the apartment for the past two weeks. i'm glad she became friends with chase, mark and tj.
she goes on a self-declared holiday and we have classes til 7, we go home and find our apartment squeaky clean.
next week, we're going to teach her how to cook, para pag uwi namin
may pagkain na rin. hahaha. joke lang.

i got a haircut...again.
i know. it's crazy. i miss my long hair, sobra. and i know i've been ranting about just how much pero i had it cut.
shorter than ever, i have no idea what's gotten over me. it's ugly.
when i had long hair, or even the last short one, almost every other day was bad hair day, but still there are days that they actually look decent, beautiful, even. eh ngayon, everyday bad hair day, seryosos. it's that bad. i won't even post a picture.

no dull moment
that should be posted right outside, in the middle of 102 and 103's door.
lately lots of things have been going on the apartment. meetings. videoke nights. card nights. inuman session. chismisan. i wonder when vane and gel would start suggesting their usual - poker and bingo. i crave quiet nights too, and we actually had one last week. pen, denise and i just watched clueless in marks room. and after that when most of the apartment people has arrived, tumambay lang kami sa tapat ng apartment, para magchismisan at kung mag anu pa.

oh yan. yan lang naman talaga ang nangyayari sa elbi, nothing about acads. joke lang. well actually, i've tons to do for acads. i've to memorize my lines for the scene study chever for thea108. i've to do a paper about agyu and a tanaga for fil 21. i also have to be done with the brochure, and study for coma105. maybe i could fit in a movie night next week. or atleast a dinner at bonitos. or not.

acad mode

subjects im assuming i will enjoy:

COMA105. Public Relations and Advertising. excited ako sa paggawa ng advertisements, print ads and stuff kasi i missed out on doing teasers and posters for the past productions i was involved in. I don't feel obliged to go to class even though i am, because it's actually fun especially since we have ma'am marcial for our prof.

FRENCH10. Bonjour! vous vous apelez comment? okay, that means what's your name? not exactly relevant, eh ano naman? plus our prof is like the cutest thing, she's like 5ft tall tapos buntis cute cute amph. she graduated from up diliman, european studies major in french minor in span. crazy, ano? okay so sitting beside nikko and biboy may not be the smartest thing at first, but i get the feeling they're enjoying it too.

ENG101. English Prose Style. The only reason i might enjoy eng101 is because i would have to actually write again, which i barely do now. at dahil marerequire ako eh manonochoice ako. and because i sit with hazel, millie, pen and jinee and i enjoy the snide comments and the 'what the?' looks we exchange whenever macansantos says something 'duh', which is like all the time.

FIL21. folklores and myths may not be my favorite topics, but sir Dumlao is my favorite professor. not only do i listen and space out only twice or so per meeting, but i actually enjoy it. andami kong natututunan and i also feel inspired to write after every meeting. it's amazing what effect sir dumlao has on his students.

ARCHERY. so i smell like shit and i sweat like crazy. but i feel like i just came out of an LOTR movie whenever i have a bow in hand. it's hard, not what i expected, but this is the only PE i took wherein i actually want to excel. gusto ko pa nga magvarsity eh, oha, but that was before i tried it. ngayon, ayoko na, mahirap pala kasi.


which leaves us with the three subjects i might not enjoy:

THEA108. i am extremely disappointed. i can live with not having sir Joey for my thea108 professor, but Jeremy is so... so... so not anything a major subject professor should be. i hate it. nakakadepress. nakakirita. and i thought we're gonna learn about grotowsky and stanislavsky. give art some pride, man. medyo hirapan mo naman ang discussion. oh right, he gave us a handout of supposedly 'technical' stuff about acting, tapos ang refference nya, take note reFFerence, ay yahoo something. what the??

LTS1. three hours? i have better things to do with my time. okay, so that sounded a little bit shallow. but really, three hours is such a long time, especially when we're just playing half the time.

MATH11. i hate math. as simple as that. although i have to admit i am enjoying sets because it's easy compared to actually solving problems.


in the end it's all the same because i'll probably suck in most of them. i hope not though, i want/need better grades this sem.

why i love elbi?

i just spent an entire week at elbi, well, actually not really. just since monday til early today. my schedule allows me to come home early on fridays, and it's not like i want to. i happen to love elbi like crazy and would spend an eternity there if i find someone to spend it with me, there. labo ba? i wait long for a lightbulb whenever i'm asked why i love elbi. bakit nga ba? ewan ko. kung ikaw taga-elbi ka, bakit nga ba? i used to think it's a disease you get when you stay there long enough, but i know some people who still left after 2 years of breathing uplb air (ahem, cy?? iya??).

napasakay ako ng 'up college kaliwa' sa jeep (nagtaas na nga pala ang pamasahe shiet) and so i have to ride it all the way from st. therese, to baker, to freedom park, to lib, before reaching sakay-my stop. i didn't realize how much i missed elbi. there were couples at the freedom park even though it was, past 12 i think and the heat was soporific and hot. i reminded myself that it is something i still haven't done, hang out at the freedom park i mean. ang totoo, there's a list of things i'm still to do here at elbi before i graduate. ang dami pang kailangan at dapat gawin, the two years left may not be enough. o diba ang drama?

pero i look back and i also realize na there's a long list of the things i've done in elbi, things i wouldn't have done, or i wouldn't have had the chance to do if i were somewhere else. like lying in the middle of the street in the wee hours of the night. like doing aerobics, or asian dance. and now, the one i've waited for for so long, archery. like taking a walk, mapa-tanghali man o mapa-hatinggabi, just because i feel like eating something, o para magpost ng teasers, may sama pang takot na baka mahuli. like skipping class for proven. like being a part of three wonderful productions. like getting a hopeless crush on someone, and following him in silly attempts to mimic a stalker. like making friends and keeping them. like falling in love, and falling apart all in cacophony with elbi wind. and then usually my head goes blank at this point, but there really is so much beauty in elbi, so much experience, so much love. i am so thankful i'm here. i am inlove with elbi and i will always be, one day when it is finally the time for my children to experience college, i would be very happy to see them here in UPLB. sana ganto pa rin kaganda, ganto pa rin kasarap ang buhay dito. ang totoo di bale ng sira ang mga electric fan, di bale ng minsan sira din ang mga prof, basta ba paglabas mo ng ncas o hum, eh may mga tao sa steps at pagpunta nyo ng raymundo di pa ubos ang proven, pagdating ng gabi kung meron mang practice ang prod eh may mga kasama ka sa sulok para magbreak, at pagkatapos may kasama kang kakain sa itsumo o tatambay sa iziz o magbibidyoke sa nyokys, sabay libreng strawberry margarita. sarap. ang sarap ng buhay elbi. walang katulad. walang kapalit.

i'll be back on monday. at siguradong this time, may klase na. i don't mind, basta ba it means i get to spend break hours with friends and i get to breathe elbi air again.

good mood ME

surprise surprise!! classes are until April. oh joy! bummer. why is UP so abnormal. my kuripot of a brother will finally come home on the last week of february and their visit will span a month. but i won't be around much. he waited 6 years to come home, who knows how long it'll take before he visits again. argh.

yun lang. haha!! i have tons to write a while ago. but im in a good mood now. so, yun.

to sum it all up, everything's a mess

chaotic three days. i wish i could write everything, but i lack the energy, sobra sa emosyon kulang sa lakas. i've been switching from mood to mood lately and i'm getting tired of all the drama. everything's getting under my skin, and i'm really confused whether i should be happy or sad about some things. im pissed, that's for certain but other than that i have a kaleidoscope of emotions drowning me in bittersweet tears.

in three days, i fought and made up with one of my most loved boys, made the biggest decision of my life, made friends with them guys upstairs, missed a fun night of drunk guys, cried my heart out over another broken heart and the choice to make it stay that way, had more revelations to last a lifetime, finished a portfolio and a paper, had laughs with my favorite people in the world, and slept with my heart heavier than it already is. i hate life sometimes.

grabe talaga. i really wish i could be genuinely happy. it's been a while na rin kasi and i deserve to be happy. atleast i think so. and it's really selfish, what i'm trying to do now, but for once i'm actually thinking of myself. everybody else is wishing for things to get better between US, but it's really not that easy, i'm so tired. you've changed. it might take me forever to understand why this is supposed to be better than before, and i'd normally say i'd wait. but i'm tired. i've been thinking of noone but you for the last 2 years. i've got to start thinking of myself now.

i've got to learn to love ME.

I don't know a lot of things, i blame it on my lack of interest in watching the news. Being a UP student my brother said i am obliged to have something to say about the current issues and events in our country. And embarrassed, i mostly have nothing relevant to say.

But regarding Cris Anthony Mendez' death and the perpetual bloodshed among supposedly "brothers" i have more than enough to write about. When one of my friends announced his decision to join one of UP's most prestigious fraternities and said that nothing we say will stop him, I only said "don't die." he assured me his survival, the physical pain he can endure he said, if there's anything that scares him, it's his academic grades as the initiation process, that i think lasted more than a week, was the same week as his exams. i believed in him, but mostly i was scared. the first night of waiting for his arrival, i was thinking, that that was what everyone thought, that they can survive the initiation, the public humiliation and the hazing otherwise who would've joined? but still, many went down to join those in the list of fraternity deaths, including now, Chris Anthony Mendez.

Patricia Evangelista said, "I do not understand what sort of twisted logic can make intelligent men believe that friendship and loyalty need to be proven through a brutal initiation." i don't either. the reason why i never joined any organizations and sororities that involve anything physical is because time will not heal the memories as they do with bruises. in the back of my head the persons i will shake hands with will always be those persons who blindfolded me and hit me. they will remain the haunters of my dreams and shall never be my friends.


as i am at the moment in the apartment sofa trying to imagine Cris' moments before his decision that later on led to his death, what was he thinking? was he sitting on the tip of his bed thinking that this will give him good connections? that this will help him have a better future?
what future? those who promised they could help had already taken that from him.

what will 30 days of suspension do? will it bring back a good man's life? will it bring back a son? a brother? a friend? no. instead, in a few years time another name will hit the papers, another death will be told, because we still haven't found a way to stop this violent tests of friendship and loyalty. loyalty, now that's a bit funny, if Cris would've lived, Sigma Rho would've stood by him the way they now cover up those who have killed him. but no, because he died, he was left in the emergency room by those responsible, he was denied of having gone through the initiation process and this, this is what we call brotherhood.

last show today

RASHOMON is officially over, words of congratulations will now officially be accepted (and received, hopefully). had a blast, the production in general is amazing and the feedbacks are wonderful, close to perfect talaga and im not saying this because im a part of it. ah basta, lots of kwentos to follow, but for now i'm dying to go home and rest. i have the weekend, but unfortunately i have already committed to some appointments, so i don't know if i could fit 'rest' in my schedule. but anyway, the sem's almost over, so a bit of patience and perseverance would do me good.

and by the way, i just found out that Franco (ComArts, batch 05) is Gilda Fernando's grandchild. hmm?

whatever. whatever.

i have sir Joey for my thea107 class, which is a bummer because it would be so much fun, like icebag every monday and wednesday but he's not going to direct our production. so really, so much for the excitement. i'm not saying that i'm not thrilled to be working with sir Rufo, it's just i really want to know how sir Joey works. he said on our first class, "strive for perfection, so that if you do not attain it, you would be somewhere close" or something to that effect. there is a certain respect demanded by UP professors. not literally demanded, but i guess i always figured they deserve it, it's hard proving yourself to a class where half the students believe themselves to be better than you. i respect Sir Joey Vargas, as much as i respect the likes of ma'am Bucoy and sir Dumlao, because in every class they show you that they are better, but only for now, they are open to the possibility that time will come and you'll be so much better. and that they are a part of that painstaking process.

anyway, no classes yesterday. LAGUNA DAY. yey. anyway, Gel, Chase, Mark, Teej and I went to Paseo de Sta. Rosa, to have coffee. ha-ha. we went all the way there from Los Banos, just to have coffee. Gel bringing her car definitely made life easier. we hung out til 1 then we drove off to Tagaytay, and did nothing, we just drove. reached Laeuna de Taal, then drove again. arrived back at elbi by 3:30 and then Gel slept over. Elbi life without Bop is hard, i still can't believe she's in Diliman. i was so looking forward to 4 years together. i miss her so bad.

tuesday was a gloomy day. monday was so hooot, i was sweating like a construction worker, i bet i smelled like one too-so much for my first day, huh? but tuesday felt like december. and we were all stuck at home, watching korean movies. i love it anyway! no bonding like korean marathons. no love stories like korean romance movies. they know

after classes, Gel and i hung out. she'd definitely be hanging out at the apartment more than usual, and i know how hard it is for her that she doesn't have Bop back in her dorm. anyway, after that we had dinner at westbrook, her treat. and then we went star gazing, where? where else, freedom park. it was fun, i haven't really talked to her for the longest time. i guess i missed her too.

i have PE tomorrow. aeroboxing. i always find new ways to embarass myself. how great!

home sweet home

feelings: the comeback. whatever it means. to those who knows, this is a no brainer. to M.E. this is a new way to torture myself. anyway, i sooo love elbi. it's nice to be back home. i can almost smell proven from way up here. ha-ha. i'm welcoming sleepless nights and bitter movie marathons. it's only june, and already we can't help but plan our christmas party as if it is the reason our parents sent us here. at some point i know i'm going to condemn my lack of beauty sleep, or a 5 minute nap even. but right now, i'm still enjoying the thought, and i can already taste a drop of a strong coffee. i could almost feel the touch of elbi wind across my face and i could almost taste the famous raymundo proven.

i love elbi. so so much.