I feel embarrassed for forgiving you. For giving in too easily. It’s only been a year since you’ve cheated on Vane and hurt all of us, but already I’m willing to forget. I feel like I’m betraying Vane by entertaining the possibility of us being friends again. But we were bestfriends Nikko, and yes I had my share of pseudo bestfriends and real ones but you have always been part of the latter. And you telling me now that you will always be here as you have always been only made it worse, it only highlights the fact that I’ve been a bad friend and left you alone to suffer the consequence of your mistakes. The funny thing is I don’t even know if you felt sorry for what you did, but I’m too blinded by how much I miss having you around.

You have no idea how much I wish I’d wake up and the things that did didn’t happen. You have absolutely no idea how caught up I feel in this mess you started, how much I wanted to get this over with and say yes when you asked if we could talk. But I couldn’t, you see I love Vane, everytime she cries about you I remember why I hated you in the first place. I’m afraid of hurting her. But god Nikko, I really just miss you. It pisses me off that I have to avoid you everytime because we both don’t know how to react around each other. I fucking hate that you chose Chris over Vane, over all of us. And then I remember, you had no choice because we left you before you had the chance to explain. Even if, yes, there is nothing to explain. You see how confused I am?

I don’t know if there’s a point in wishing that things will be ok in the end. But I don’t want to give up.

losing my bestfriend

came from the PI field trip. and i know you're supposed to learn all these Rizal stuff. but in the end of the day, the only thing i learned and realized is how much i miss Nikko. It's unbearable we're together the whole day and we haven't said a word to each other. we really were close then. Denise said that if i wanted to make up with him i could've done it a long time ago because really the only person who could make it happen is myself. actually, that's not entirely true, vecause all i was waiting for was an apology. but i guess i'm just partly to blame, i'm a little embarassed because i know i said some bad things. and i know then that whenever i feel as if i did something cruel, he would remind me that he's nikko and that he would never judge me and that he will always understand. but i didn't understand him, i didn't even try and i just know i never will. but i atleast want us to be friends again. when this issue exploded, i didn't go to class for two weeks because i didn't want to see him, not because i was mad, more because i was in pain. because i, too, was his biggest fan. i listened to all his stories, believed everything he said, and in return i told him everything. serious things we never talked about seriously, things we manage to talk about in between doodling and playing Stupid. that's why it hurt when i found out he told gel and not me, but i also realized that if i knew i never would have forgiven him, which is a lie, i know, but i could've hated him sooner which is worse than now.

i miss nikko. i miss how he's such a good friend to me, and i'm sorry i didn't hear his side or atleast try to save the friendship. i wish i could've done things differently. the truth is sometimes i even wish i never found out, i know i could've lived without knowing. i sometimes wish he is still the nikko i thought he was. but it's all done, and i know the only possible thing is wishing that we return to being friends again.

goodnight world.

nikko to the rescue. as always.
i guess he feels obliged to check up on me every once in a while. i know i have a tendency to be a bit of a mess and that i'm not the best person to take care of myself, haha, but is it that obvious?
i love my friends. i feel good now. especially since me and the girls bonded for a while.

i can't sleep. tj's still not home. gel's still not home (she's going to sleep here) and well, i can't sleep.

nonsensical stuffs

i want to dance. i want to sing. i want to strip into a bikini and feel the hot puerto sand under my skin. i want heat and i want to go so bad. ofcourse it is possible, i've got a very small problem though. my parents won't let me. who would blame them? boys, beach and beer, now that's a bad combination, a formula for an unwanted future. hahaha. but i'm a good girl, really, i just want to go for the sun and, well, the sand. that's not too bad. a little fun won't do a good girl bad, right? and everybody's going. except me. i should've gotten used to this scenario, but no, i'm still hopeful that they won’t ask questions, just nod their heads and open their wallets. oh joy. wishful thinking.

enough of puerto talk. i gave up my tickets for the atROCKtion concert because i'm trying to save up some of my allowance. so goodbye parokya and all you other bands. ima stay home and do my report like a good student should.

oh but i'm not a good student. a few hours ago i was talking with kuya rey, and well he's still running (more like brisk walking he said) for laude. and i'm gliding my way to dismissal. hahaha!! anyway, why can't i work harder? i can do better than a 1.9 gwa. i could run for laude too, if i atleast pay more attention to my studies than to my sleeping. But I can never seem to have the motivation to study. oh but anyway way, kuya rey got this 'ur halimaw' look when i told him i got 1.75 in HUM1 under ma'am Layeta Bucoy. i try not to show it, but i guess that sorta pulls my self esteem up. because like Chui said, Bucoy's the shit. she's the goddess of literature. oh and how i cried as i finished her take home exam because i was so afraid of insulting her intelligence by coming up with a mediocre crap. but i passed, and i did so much more than pass, i got a 1.75 and apparently for Bucoy, i must be a little good enough. maybe i could be a palanca awardee too. haha!! pushing my luck a bit here. But really, it means a lot to find out that not many gets a high grade from bucoy. Someone from batch 05 got 1.25, now that’s amazing. She’s in a goddess training for all I know. I’m jealous. Argh.

read Nikko's eulogy. almost cried. he's a good writer, well, better than me. haha. i have a knack for flushing my self-esteem down the drain, but he really is better.

anyway. gotta go, got a meeting with my SOC130 classmates about our report tomorrow. and ima drag my feet to vega because i don't want to go. there's nothing else i'd rather do than to stay home and write. oh yeah, manuod ng atROCKtion. ah, why is everything so depressing. i don't get what i'm saying dammit. got to go.

following my breadcrumbs before the birds start chowing

i was reminded of hans christian andersen's tinderbox, where the tree was being guarded by two dogs with eyes the size of cups. saan pa? sa thea 107 class. hahaha. okaaay?!

i'm wallowing in sadness a little bit longer, drowning myself with ideas of things to write about, because this'll be the last time i'll write about you. (weh?) everyone was giving me this confused look whenever i justify the things i do with 'i'm following my breadcrumbs' line. but i am. simply because someone was blunt enough to painfully thrust the words into my heart. (how corny that sounded.) because everyone else was telling me to hold on, to wait a little longer and someone told me to just get it over with, to get out of this hole i'm stuck in because i don't deserve it. i guess it really means a lot when someone tells me that i don't deserve this mess i'm in, i kinda feel like i'm worth something. i don't expect my breadcrumbs to lead me somewhere happy, but atleast to some place better than this, some place where things are a little less painful. it doesn't help that i'm a masochist, i love pain, i love writing about it. infact i feel as if i've mastered the art of melancholy, that's why i tolerate pain and awkward silences that means a million hurtful words, because sadness is the most beautiful thing i could ever write about. because tears are inks and broken hearts are clean slates awaiting another sad, poetic entry.

i'm giving it all away now. i'm going to be one hell of a writer, sinking in buckets of tears or not. i'm going to write about misty morning walks and stoplight conversations. exchange of i love yous with my favorite beatles song on the background. happy stuffs.

and all because i have this one really good friend. thank you. i've said it a million times just now, but what the heck i really am that thankful.