bumblebaby's turning into a lady

somebody's old enough.
to do what i'm not sure.
but she is.
old enough to get in jail, maybe.
to love? haha!
to drink? hmmm...
but no matter how old she is.
she will always be 17 to me.

I LOVE YOU BUM!

desaparecidos update

i'm physically and mentally drained. not only did i have to finish 5 papers for humanities 170 overnight, but these papers i have to do after 3 grueling hours of workshop. and no, not acting but dance workshop. and i know that i don't totally suck at it but i do look more than sucky infront of ate icing. she's really intimidating. ang galing kasi eh.

so anyway, last night was the most painful workshop i've ever gone through with her. last weekend i was in so much pain because of our thursday night workshop, but last night was by far the most painful. it was fun though. una kasi partners lang, and you have to get across the room with your partner in a dance, not really a dance pero basta dat graceful tas kailangan may magkadikit kayo na body parts, it doesn't matter if you roll around, touch each others faces with each other's legs, basta get to the other corner of the room na magkadikit, kahit alin sa katawan nyo. denise was my partner so that was the easy part. then i got to be partners with JR, and seriously i don't even know the guy that well tas para kaming nagsesex sa floor. but it was fun and it's what we're supposed to do so it didn't matter if my face was between his legs or whatever seemingly gross position we got ourselves into. basta go lang. ayun. tas after that we had to do it as a group. yes, all nine of us. man that was torture!! i felt my breasts isolated from my body, one time somebody was rolling over me, then another, parang may umapak pa nga eh, sobrang napress down lang naman ung face ko sa bato-batong floor eh, but we all got so entranced with the music and the movements that nobody seemed to care if we're on each others butts or that we're going to regret this tomorrow when our muscles start to hurt, sobrang thankful ako that nobody smelled bad last night, or i swear it'll be thrice as hard. so yun, yung first try we all ended up above Barok. and i was the one right above him, everybody weighed so heavy on me so you could just imagine how heavy we are for barok. so sorry na. grabe di lang sya nakatayo kahit nung umalis na kami lahat eh. hahaha.

the next activity was still the same, except that we also have to transfer vynne from the right corner to the left corner without any of her body parts touching the floor, we're not allowed to carry her, she kinda has to flow like water, and we have to be sort of a chever, gets yon?? we did it twice before doing it right. BODY PAIN!!! tas yung last part nakahiga ako tas barok was on his back pero basta para kong river tas para syang bridge, intiendes?? like a bridge over troubled water. yown. hahaha! but his weight was on his hands para di sya tuluyang malaglag sakin, tas sabi nya, 'madudurog na kita' sabi ko, 'ok lang' oha?? shiet. mowment. haha ayoko na nga nakakahiya na. nakakahiya. ako.

AYOKO NA. Ayokoooo naaa! HAHA! workshop na naman mamaya. last for the week though, but my legs are killikng me. forget about looking like a foolish dizzy woman when doing the endless turns or when doing the pretzel. o sige kalimutan na rin na i have to do it infront of him, not that he watched though. yon. pero grabe super pasa-pasa ako. haha! buti nalang enjoy.

goal til graduation

I have to be the toughest 17 year old to survive. and i have to survive to escape.

escape. that's all i'll ever think about. for now.

JAMES MCAVOY is LOVE

why does he have to be so hot?
i mean. why does he have to have that naughty, childish, extremely gorgeous grin on his face on that typewriter scene? It makes me want to be keira. shit. that library scene. amazing. not erotic. romantic's more like it. grabe talaga eh. there's something about his smile eh, the broken vase scene, when he was standing infront of keira with that dumb grin on his face, shit i wanna die! it was several months ago when i watched the last king of scotland. and he was hot there. but there's just something about period movies. grabe. he's not as hot in pictures, pero shit naman pag in motion. hay sorry na. hot kasi nya eh. i love james mcavoy!

sorry i'm becoming fond of writing long dull entries

whenever i have a new favorite song, which i do have, every week, haha, i listen to it like crazy. til my ears bleed. til i hear no more. til i memorize every beat. oh basta, ganun na nga yung point. when the cranberries' just my imagination was blaring like a song on every station, except it was playing nonstop because it was then the only song in my 'favorites' playlist, the girls hated me. and they, along with the three guys, sang with great mockery along with dolores in her eleven 'just my imagination' lyrics. crazy. it wasn't the end of my hook na hook addiction (redundant shit) on my current favorite songs. they enjoyed the first few times i've played hey there delilah, or vulnerable or stolen. but they always get tired of it as early as day 1. seriously, it takes me more than that even if i listen to it a hundred times a day.

anyway, so i got myself really addicted to this youtube fan video of tristan and isolde (tristan and isolde cannot live a lie) and i have been watching it every single day. downloaded the background music and i listen to it everytime i have the chance. the good thing is, that i also watched another fan video, for secret sweethearts this time, and i fell inlove with the kite song. so i've been alternating it with carrie's i just can't live a lie. so there, they don't have to listen to one song the whole day. they get to listen to two. oh joy.

speaking of music. we were watching some sims2 video and stumbled upon some recreation (??) of Pink's family portrait and don't let me get me. before anything else, i'd like to say that i am not a big pink fan. but i loved these songs and well, it was from a long time ago. and it was a bit nostalgic and sad hearing them again. so okay, umiyak ako. but i do so all the time. thanks to these inborn eyebags made of onions.

speaking of crying. i've been crying too much lately. not because of anything that might be caused by my infamous stupidity, thank you dear Lord. but well, tristan and isolde is to blame really, what better way to make a lonely girl feel even lonelier than to show her true love (and how it only happens in the movies). then there's boku wa imouto ni woi suru, if i got that wrong---well i never really get it right, so okay lang yun. ofcourse i'm also dying to watch atonement, and no not because james mcavoy looks absolutely hot in the bath tub but because it hurts. yes, the way keira said come back to me. haaaay. denise cried at that part of the trailer too. did i mention i watched it for the millionth time tonight? well i did. and everytime, every freakin' time, i get so sad. COME BACK TO ME. dammit. why does she have to say it like that?

speaking of my favorite topic, desolation dammit. i'm actually doing well. quite happy. except ofcourse whenever i watch these damn youtube fanvideos and trailers. my heart is in good condition. feeling ko yung forgetting part of loving is finally taking place. kumbaga healing process na. okay, so i've felt it a million times before and actually ran back. pero ewan. feeling ko this time, i'm in control of my own emotions.

bago matapos ang entry na to, gusto ko lang ishare. i was reading some of the comments for boku wa imouto shit, secret sweethearts sa english, o kaya, i'm inlove with my sister. and i know it really does seem perverted. disturbing ba na i like it?? sorry. anyway. someone said that twins are lovers in their past lives. ganda diba? i have to constantly slap myself while watching the secret sweethearts anime, tell myself that they did not come from the same mother so i can guiltlessly feel kilig. sorry na kung nakakabother. i just, i love it, it's really sad. ganda.

tama na nga amf

what i did this weekend TO india TO world's greatest loves

it's amazing how eventful the weekend is for me considering that i could go for weeks without being productive. anyway, i'm finally done with Kafka On The Shore. it's inanely impressive. i love it. i can't wait to read Norwegian Wood, i chose it purposely because of the title. i'm crazy for that beatles song. i hated it the first few times i heard it but it is now one of my videoke favorites. haha. Holidays on Ice by David Sedaris has been collecting cobwebs in my book shelf. i've read Memoirs of a Geisha, Gossip Girl series, 2 Cecelia Ahern books, Letters from Home before finally deciding to read it. i didn't just wake up one morning and decided i want to finally brush the cobwebs off, i read a David Sedaris interview in Jessica Zafra's column. and well, if he is as witty and funny as he is as a writer, well, i'll surely love it. and what do you know huh, he is. i found the first story really funny, and can't wait to read the next one.

i had a meeting with my photographer and discussed with him my ideas for the pre-pictorial. my dad and i wanted field, not football field, we want cosmos, grass up to my knees. it's pretty hard to find the location though, and the photographer insisted we try UPLB, and i was shaking my head fiercely, nuh-uh, no way. we discussed the concept of a carousel, EK is a good location but we'll be having problems with the permit, eh hassle. the decision, is a surprise. yey for the three people who read this blog. oh joy. hahaha

celine had a sale. which means my next pair would only be half the price. my mom was ecstatic, we actually were only meant to buy shoes for my party and bum's debut but it's sale. celine. sale. amazing. so we both had two pairs. and then two more for me, one white for my party, one black for bum's party. i never bought that much shoes in one day. it's quite exciting. haha

then we went to citadella for my food tasting. we settled for a gold and burgundy motif. actually, i really have no motif. i have a theme, but no motif but i have to choose two for the flower and table decorations.

my dad is crazy for french doors. which is why we have fake-french windows in the kitchen and second sala with mirrors in them in addition to our real french windows and door. last week he decided he wanted french door/window/divider to seperate the kitchen from the dining area. and it's finally done. yey.

anyway, let's divert from updates of my not so fun life to other not so fun stuff. we were listening to bread and my favorite bread song played, 'hindi pala bread original nyan, all the while akala ko sila' i told my mom. 'sila nga' she said. 'hindi. si david gates' true. si david gates naman talaga eh. 'tanga' she laughed 'asa bread si david gates' okaaay. sorry. hahaha

anyway, we went to a wedding last saturday and when we were driving home we were talking about the wonders of the world. pa said that taj mahal is one of them. i didn't know. oo, sabi nya, kasama yun. i don't find anything extraordinary about it though. huh, sabi nya ulit, ano kaba, very inricate ang pagkagawa nun, chever chever.. okay. but apparently Shah Jahan spent a lot of the country's money on taj mahal. i don't care dammit. isn't amazing how much he loved his wife. i read about it when i was younger, he met his wife on a bazaar(??) and they had a dozen children, ata, or more. amazing noh?
when my dad went to india, he was in bombei and i don't know where taj mahal is but papa said its far from where he is. anyway, he probably went to a dozen asian countries and he loved it all except for india. he said on his way to McDonalds, the only food he can eat, he could smell feces from the slums right infront of it. they call it fetted-smell, i think it has to do with feces that has been heated by the sun. disgusting. then he said you can see a lot of luxury cars driving by. extremes ba, the rich are implausibly wealthy while the poor, well, very poor.

anyway, because we talked about shah jahan and his wife (whose name i don't know)we soon talked about prince ranier and grace kelly. the connection? great loves. dammit. a prince. one who particularly looks like clark gable from gone with the wind. hah! amazing!!! and grace kelly was born to be a princess. she looks like one. acts like one. perfect couple. ofcourse perfect marriages don't always end up with perfect children. ma said they had the wildest prince and princesses.

prince edward(kung edward nga ata. haha)gave up his crown for his wife, whose name, again, i don't know. giving up a kingdom! giving up royalty!! for a woman? wow. that's crazy. kinda like a fairy tale to me. hence queen elizabeth, prince edward's niece, daughter of his brother. cool lang eh.

feeling ko lng sa haba nitong entry-ng to, wala ng sense eh. hahaha! sorry na. tama na nga. pero wait, i forgot, we also talked about yoko ono and john lennon \m/

blind love paradox

I was fortunate enough to have made the right decision that supposedly dreary Saturday morning. What came to me, I have no idea but I usually have the tendency to find a way out of something. But surprisingly that day, I stayed. Along with other theater107 classmates, I watched the making of Miss Saigon. It was, amazing. Leah was amazing. Beyond words. Grabe. She was so graceful, so poised, she was born with miss Saigon written at her forehead and I watched several girls try for the part of kim and when leah took the stage, she was, amazing. Like they made the play with her in mind. Anyway, it was months ago since I’ve watched it but I was reminded again because bum was listening to sun and moon and the song was just so enchanting. Personally I felt all prickly when I heard it, I felt so madly inlove, so happy, sad and bedazzled all at the same time. It was a magical moment for me. Oo seryosong ganun talaga katindi. I still feel the same craziness whenever I hear it. Infact I have been listening to it for the millionth time already and my heart still skips a beat when leah starts to sing “you are sunshine, and I moon…”
It’s wonderful what free time can do to me, last night I was losing my head with the many things I have to do and today Im free. So I revisited vnmanga and I get really crazy when I start to download manga, so as expected I was dying to get my hands on volumes of manga. And I was reading this oneshot-like manga only it’s two chapters (labo ata nun) entitled blind love paradox. Syempre love triangle, nothing new really. so this guy was being very cruel to this girl and there was this part when the glasses guy asked the boy why he was being cruel to her to the point of hurting her both emotionally and physically if he likes her. (anyway, the girl is inlove with the glasses guy) he said, what would gentleness do? Compared to it, hatred remains in the heart longer.
That kinda sucks. Depressing shit. I don’t know, I was pretty depressed about it. There was this one part when he said “hate me, with your mind, your heart, your body… to the point when you can only think of me” it’s too painful. Or maybe just for me. But anyway, I was also checking out secret sweethearts which has a manga, a live action and an anime. Unfortunately for some people it’s about twins who fell inlove with each other, a pretty sensitive topic. The other one was named after haruki murakami’s 100% perfect girl the exact short story I read several months ago so I’m definitely reading it. No matter how long it takes to download it. Hoho. Yey for me! And the illustrations resemble that of goong so, I’m probably going to love it. Oh, and the guy’s a prince too.

Okaaaay. Tama na. shiet.

kafka and haruki: the current men of my life

Suddenly and quite inanely I’m interested in Japanese literature. It is to be expected of Ehm whose biggest dream is to go to Japan but not of me. hahaha. Well, I did pick out a book on Japanese poetry from the library ONCE. But that’s kinda it. the one to blame for this sudden addiction is without a doubt, Kafka Tamura. I’m inlove with the character, haha! Not only was I checking out Haruki Murakami’s website but also wikipedia-ing the tale of genji and the tales of moonlight and rain. I was thinking of how the Japanese style f writing enthralls me, only to find out that haruki murakami’s style is a bit on the western side. It’s amazing, the way he writes. You could tell how literate Murakami is with literature and music. If you see the way he looks, there is no way of telling that he is as good of a writer he is. May sense ba yun? Hahaha!

acad stuff

2008 will be a good year, i hope. the only thing that scares me is coming to school and attending 192. if only i could drop that class. people would easily tell me to just prove him wrong, but i'm not like that, i'm not the kind who can prove something about myself. what is there to prove anyway? that i'm good? no. i don't think so. maybe i'm not as stupid as he say i am, damn moheeca. but i'm also not so much of a genius. i don't know what i'm capable of, or if i'm actually capable of something. it's not an issue of self esteem. it's an issue of, i don't know actually, not being good enough? okaay. enough of the rant.

so i spent the better half of the day doing nothing. my expertise, yey! not only am i supposed to be doing my history 2 assignment and my 192 workshop, i should also be reaearching for my hum170 papers, take note, paperSSS. but no, i'm good at being idle so i chose it over other more important stuff. hoho. and i wonder why i don't succeed in life. haha

kafka on my mind

FINALLY! I was planning to say just that, but there’s a whole story behind this book. I wanted it when I was still in high school, it was hard to find it back then. I’ve chanced upon it once in Glorietta, it was also P300+ then, but my pocket was empty. When I was in Malaysia, they had a big Haruki Murakami sale at Chapters, and they had Dance, Dance, Dance , Norwegian Wood and The Elephant Vanishes, but no Kafka on the Shore. What funny, funny luck. I want to read his other works too, but I want to read Kafka first and well, I bought the Beckham book instead. I read one of his short stories though, its something about a boy and a girl, twas as oddly illustrated as it is written. But I love it. And now, hay, may kafka na rin ako! And Johnny walker will no longer be just the liquor my dad won’t allow me drink, but a cat-eater. hahaha! and colonel sanders- a pimp! i just love it!

I love kafka like crazy. i’m still on page 335 though and I can’t wait to finish it. Infact because of my darling 15 year old kafka, I still don’’t have a speech for tomorrow. Yikes.

Merry Christmas

These situations would more often than not cause Nicole to tell me I’m being all Peyton-y, making a supposedly simple situation very complicated. Ella, would simply take my side. She would tell me I look way prettier, or that I’m smarter and that I’m better than all these. She would bitch on the other girl making me feel all better (sorry na). She’s my cousin, I know, but somehow she always sound sincere. I remember all those Friday nights when I’d come home from elbi, I’d call her instantly and tell her about my exciting college life and she’d listen with gaiety, both scared and thrilled in realizing that she too, will be in college soon. I don’t get to talk to her much anymore, she’s not home til Saturday night and well, my supposedly exciting college life would no longer match hers. And her highschool friends who are mine too are no longer my only rivals, now I have to compete for her time with her college friends too. I get too selosa when it comes to close friends. I guess I really am selfish, there was assurance then when I’d come home broken hearted that she would always be just a phone call away. Now, I have to wait til Saturday.

Christmas is the perfect holiday to hang out with her again. And just right before Christmas we had a text marathon, I was telling her how this years Christmas is just as cold inside as it is outside. Here goes my snowy Christmas story:

As I had so publicly announced on my multiply account, right after last year’s Christmas, I gave santa 11 months to prepare for my wish. And I was a good girl this year, okay fine, a little less naughtY. But amusingly stupid to believe a year (and a few painful months combined) of waiting would eventually pay off with a wrapped love right outside my bedroom door. Last Christmas was so painful I didn’t think it could possibly get worse, then ta-dah, here comes this Christmas. Even more painful because there is fear in realizing that this is actually how I might be for the next ten thousand christmasses, lonely, waiting. Im no longer writing santa another pathetic wish, im praying with all the life left in me for probably the most painful thing there is. “Go for her if that’s what you truly want, I know she likes you too so it won’t be that much of a problem, she’s far and well, we both know what happened with the last one, don’t let the distance get in the way, you deserve to be happy, and all year round I’ll be praying for one thing, for this to work for you.”

If I would be given pain, then give it all already. Im so tired waiting for another painful blow. Im so tired feeling all messed up knowing something could be worse. Im so tired of knowing and remembering over and over again that another year would only promise me one thing: more pain! Yey. So I am being all Peyton-y, so I’m being brooke and haley too, all at the same time. I don’t care. There’s just so much hurt in my heart and I can’t say that I can no longer take it, and I could ask someone, anyone to save me but I know deep down, that I’ll stay anyway. Because this is where I belong, with you. even if you belong with someone else. I don’t care dammit. I’ll watch you two together, I can take your pictures if you want and I could choose your gifts for her as I’d done with all the others. I could do that. I don’t know, with everything I’ve done, i guess there’s nothing I won’t be able to do anymore.

OH, OKAY NA??? I’m letting it all out so that 2008 will be, I don’t know, better. Pablo Neruda said that as love is so short, forgetting is so long and I guess 2 years of love would mean, hmmm, 5 years of forgetting??? Noooo! Hahaha. Im hoping for a better year.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

another moheeecaaaaaah amp day

i've been having a lot of bad days lately. but this is by far the worst. guess why? moheeeecaaaaa!
i'm so pissed off. i'm emotionally and mentally drained. i can't stop bawling. i sooo hate this day.

and it's so selfish, i know, but i've been wanting tj to be home so i can talk to him. gel picked me up from ncas and i come home to ehm, and i talked to them both. i cried to mark and selle too, it's just different when it's tj. i was used to coming home to him on bad days like this one. and i guess i have to accept the fact that im not the center of the world. i can't expect my friends to gather round me and listen to me cry whenever moheeeca is having a bitch fit. but im just not strong enough to face it on my own. i don't understand why someone like me who was raised to be otherwise could have such a faint heart.

i've probably dehydrated myself from crying too much. im so scared to lose my energy for the christmas party later, but im okay now. i guess i gotta start trying to depend on myself more.

anyway, merry christmas loves. sana masaya ang party na to! <3

goodnight world.

nikko to the rescue. as always.
i guess he feels obliged to check up on me every once in a while. i know i have a tendency to be a bit of a mess and that i'm not the best person to take care of myself, haha, but is it that obvious?
i love my friends. i feel good now. especially since me and the girls bonded for a while.

i can't sleep. tj's still not home. gel's still not home (she's going to sleep here) and well, i can't sleep.

fowta moheeeeecah!

i had the worst day!
2 hours of sleep. 19 hours of no food. how worse can my day possibly get? worst. mojica's class.
i can spend an entire blog entry ranting about him, but then again, i'm already pissed off as it is.
i was expecting something good to happen. it would be really nice if i have someone to make my day better, or atleast a little okay. i don't know, i guess it's kinda selfish wanting more. i already have good friends. and no, i don't have a few good friends. perhaps a score, or more. denise brought me a burger. tine, a strawberry (yes, A strawberry-isa lang!) tas gel hugged me and yeah i really love gel-hugs.

i was planning to write about my trips to the library, but it's supposed to be a jolly entry. so not today.
i had such a baaaaaaad day. and wallowing in self-pity probably made it worse. i saw tj earlier today and i was dying for a hug, boo-hugs make my day less unbearable, and tj is my hugmachine. but i was in such a hurry. hay.
anyway, the day's still not over, i still have a few more hours left.

somebody please make me happy!
(oh, jin did, early this morning. but even that can't last the day)

of tagalog poems and broken dreams

it really should've been a lot easier for me if i was a bit more open to you. im sorry gelly. i know we're supposed to be bestfriends. it's good we had that dinner though, atleast now you know everything. at promise nga, i'd tell you everything.

argh, im such a bitch. i hate myself. strike three na ko since yesterday.

but anyway, last night when i was waiting for angela barrientos, i was playing with tine's laptop and would you believe that i still have my fil20 discussions close to heart? wala lang. i wanted to write something about sex, pero syempre profound and artistic naman. here's what i came up with:

Dagat ang unan
Tahanan ng luha
Mundo ang kama
Ng pusong sagasa

Hubad sa pagibig
Hubad sa kalinangan
Ngayong gabi ika’y kanya
Ngunit di sya sayo kalianman

okaaaaay. this is me trying real hard. hahaha! sorry na. it's unfinished though, i wanted to play with tagalog words. but i guess the topic's the problem, because i don't have anything to write about it. hoho. im such an innocent young girl. here's another crap:

matang napuwing ang pintuan
Na bukas-sara sa hangin ng gabi
Naisin mang ipikit ng tuluyan,
Iniwang mulat para ang yong aninong parating
Ay muling masilayan

nilamon ka na ng dilim
naghihintay pa rin
ang puso kong sa gabing ito
ay nagmimistulang bitwin

isang bitwin sa langit ng isang bilyon
walang panalo sa laban para kay luna
nakikisabay sa liwanag ng iba
habang nanunuod ng di pwedeng makita

isasara ko ang pinto
ipipikit ang aking mga mata
pagkat ngayong gabi ang mga bitwin
malalaglag ng isa isa

okaaaaaaaay. so i'm still trying to understand this one. (how could i not understand my own work? i dont know) but anyway, i give up. i've long forgotten the pain of not being able to come up with a decent tagalog poem. i guess it was sir dumlao's compliments on my "gakukong liwanag na sumilip sa cherva......" that regained my self-esteem. pero wag na lang talaga. i'm done with trying. haha! i wanted to be nick joaquin, and well, even he (our national artist for literature, duh) wrote in english. so can i. anyway, i remember how it felt when i was reading "act of revenge" i love it's local 'feel' eh. it's written so well, and yet you know that it's written by a filipino. i guess i can still write in english and still sound filipino. diba? but so long my dreams of being a poet of tagalog words. haha.

anyway, to end this, i just want to say that i hope......... bsta. don't hate me.