updates galore..or not

the cultural night is officially over, now i can focus on my production..or not.
still have a lot of things on my head, just got home from my math11 mock exam. ayokong magmath22!! i hate that i have a knack for sucking at everything. it's frustrating. once (okay, twice unless you want to take comsci11 instead) in a comarts student's life, one has to take math electives, and one would realize that truly, shit happens!

on a lighter note, i am harboring a schoolgirl crush on someone. which is actually insane because i haven't had this feelings since Desa, and that felt like a long time ago. but what's even crazier is that ... she's a girl. i know, i know. but like i said, it's just a schoolgirl crush. and she's not lesbo, mind you, she's actually a little girly.

dad's coming home tomorrow. yeeha!

i actually have more rantings, but i'll save it for tomorrow. it's early in the morning and i'm still on a good mood.

movie update

just watched Evening. the trailer's better than the movie, but i still liked it, i just expected more i guess. oh and, Buddy broke my heart. dahil dyan, i have a new crush, Hugh Dancy. yey! who, according to imdb would also appear in Shopaholic (yey!) as Luke. so you can guess i'm not a harris fan, i just don't get what makes him attractive. but buddy, oh buddy. i have to say, the drunk look, curly hair, and pathetic-ness works for me.

"Wittgenstein, Schmittgenstein. What's for lunch?"

it's really freaky that the girl who played the young meryl streep look exactly like her. it turns out she's her daughter. oha. kaya naman pala. anyway, ang totoo im a little disappointed cause i waited for this movie, the trailer really made me sad, i don't know maybe it's one of those movie you have to watch twice or something.

oh well. i enjoyed it naman. kahit papano.

grr

so i wrote this really long entry about the things that has been bothering me.
you know, the usual stuff, insecurities along with a few dreams i've been keeping in boxes, collecting dust. and i don't know what happened. i just lost it.

and this stupid thing is supposed to save it, right? like it says so down there next to save now. this supposedly intelligent blog usually saves automatically. di ko alam kung anu nangyari. shet talaga. ayoko ng ulitin cause i can't.

good for you though. nasave ka sa reklamong bonggang-bongga.

kung anu ano

my dad will be home in 14 days. yey! :)

the thing is i'm not sure i'll be around when he comes home, no not because my thombstone will say 'death by play', and joining two plays is suicide but because i'd be super busy by then. hay. my french exam was easy, i expected it to be harder. pero dahil nakapagaral ako, yes, nasingit ko yun sa rehearsals and other non-acad stuff - muka namang mataas ako. except for spelling siguro, nakakairita, kung pera lang ang bawat letra then french spelling is a big waste of money. san ka nakakita ang basa dito ay keskese, tapos ang spelling ay qu'est-ce que c'est. oha.

o yun. dahil wala akong life except for rehearsals, di nalang ako magpopost ng kung ano-ano. nakakapagod mag reklamong pagod na pagod na ko.

anyway, i just saw some pics from kuya box. i really love this one :)

finally. kanina pa ko dapat nagbablog eh, but no, nareredirect ako sa kung saang page. virus, sakit sa ulo. wala naman talaga ko sasabihin, i'll only brag about my hectic sched next week, para kunwari i have a life. but really, suicide ako next week. in addition to my 7-10 tous les jours rehearsal, i also have a COMA105 exhibit, French script and exam, Fil21 quiz and finals tom na simula 3pm to 1am. tapos 8 am archery class the next day, waaaaaw man, ang sarap!

don't get me wrong, i'm not complaining, my body is. nightly rehearsals are not just line readings you know, we actually move our asses, bien sur it's not as hard as ate icing's workshop, but still masakit sa katawan ang shingga shingga na yan ah. and it's also not like it helps me lose some pounds, i compensate tiredness with pigging out like crazy. oh life is good. sarcasm makes it so much better.

Hinabing Pakpak ng ating mga Anak was probably the best play i ever watched. okay, okay, i've been a part of some of the best productions i've seen, but Dulaang UP's Hinabing Pakpak, is the best. seryoso. ok, i tend to exaggerate so i'm not going to say that their choreography is amazing, cause the truth is it's not so perfect. maganda yung movements ah pero, i don't know siguro dun may kulang. but the set, the performance, the costume-ang ganda! JC Santos? ANG GWAPO. okay, so i got this really crazy crush on Arnold Reyes when we watched Circa at CCP, i remember fantasizing about him for a couple of weeks, matagal tagal din, inaabang-abangan sya sa commercial. haha! this time, it's JC Santos. younger than Arnold Reyes, oha. and talented too. plus he signed my playbill. grabe the things i do to embarrass myself. haha! he asked me the title of our play. tsk tsk, should've asked him to watch.

anyway, i saw some of the photos from the UP Dil. people. pero onti plang. eto yung iba:

this is by mabel, b-an's beffy.

this is by kuya box (boks)

wala pa yung sa isang girl, yeah the one who drives like crazy. yon, wala pa. i won't post hazel's pictures kahit pa natetempt ako. haha! macocompare kasi. she's so pretty. actually this experience made me very insecure. oh well, i'll get over it.

realizations yo

realizations yo.

1. i'm a dreamer. it's both scary and promising.
2. i'm not photogenic. for someone so vain, this is disappointing.
3. i'm so insecure. the people around me are getting tired of the 'im not good enough' 'im not pretty enough' lines. i can't help it. (sorry pen)
4. i'm a hopeless romantic. aren't we all? there is romance in denying it too, for those who wouldn't admit.
5. i'm dependent. i lean on to people to help me fix my life.



andaming nangyari kahapon. masaya naman. kahit masuka-suka nako sa lrt. salamat vincent at pen. salamat pen. :)

chever

i'm so busy. i just finished reporting for pantas and i'm not even sure i can attend workshops thanks to rehearsals. the first few weeks of this semester i kept complaining how i've got nothing to do, ang aga ko pa nga natutulog, i don't think i'd be complaining bout it anytime this sem again. although im sure i will be complaining about my lack of sleep and my deteriorating social life. sus, social life. pero siguro naman mageenjoy ako sa rehearsal, i love the other actors. denise got the role of pakikisama, pen, kayamanan, ako si kagandahan. seriously. now i'm not sure if i can act or they just needed someone with a face for the role. bah. joke lang. ang yabang naman nun. pero kasi naman, i'm still bitter about not getting the inggit role. i auditioned for that role, it makes me think i'm not good enough.

oh well.

im going to start another blog, soon. i know, i know, pang apat na active blog ko na yun. and it's not like i write all the time. anyway, the fourth blog will be solely for my creative output, mga plans, ideas and stuff. yon.

dad's leaving tomorrow. he left a couple of times before. who'm i kidding? he left a lot. he doesn't want to anymore, he'll only be there for a month, then he'll come back for the weekend, and leave for a month again, then come back.....well you get the picture. he's old. and tired. sleeping alone in a hotel room is not exactly his idea of fun. and he hates me too, because i couldn't back out of tomorrow's photoshoot. eh kasi naman they moved the date because i thought papa was leaving last week so they moved it to this week, tapos magbabackout lang ako. and c'mon, he was the one who taught me to commit and stick with it.
plus, the photoshoot excites me. well, it's a balance between excitement and fear. for one, i'm not photogenic and i'm not comfortable with posing, because i hate my body and i hate my hair. yown.

i have to sleep now. i have to get up early tomorrow for mass.
goodnight. goodnight.

catching up

my last entry was july13, for someone who used to blog twice or more a day that's a little weird. kahit ako, di ko maintindihan kung bakit natatamad akong magsulat. ngayon pa, kung kelan ako nagaaply sa Pantas. anyway, like i did the last time, highlights nalang.

forget it. tinatamad talaga ako. i have to write a suicide letter, deadline's on tuesday. no, hindi ako suicidal at wala akong balak magpakamatay. it's a requirement for Pantas. eh ewan ko ba, for someone who's morose enough to actually kill herself (joke lang. medyo lang) i can't write a freaking suicide letter. napaka-trying hard ko kasi. haha

ang sarap maging single. pero nahihirapan ako lately, kasi andaming problema sa pag-eeffort kong makapagmove on. o diba? may ganung moda. pwedeng pang suicide note shet.

i have to remember everything i'm supposed to do for the following weeks.
hmmm.

July26: TJ's concert (Verve)
July29: suicide letter deadline
Aug3: Diliman Photoshoot/Papa's departure
Aug4: Denise's Birthday Parrrrty
Aug5-8: PR Campaign for Caballeros (Free Coffee and Exhibit)

highlights

i'm actually not in the mood to write, but since i'm awake so early and i have nothing to do anyway, i figured what the heck. and since i don't have anything crazy or whatever to write about, i'll write about the highlights of my past weeks.


selle and weng back in the apartment.

we had an italian night during the first week of classes. the pizza, the pesto, the roasted chicken, the works. parang first sem lang.
and they were also here last week, kasi nagvideoke kami dahil may dalang magicsing si denise.
tine's missing, but she goes to the apartment a lot, only i think she goes straight up to the boyfriend's apartment.

Joseph and Ehm: Finally together
so she's been going up a lot too, and i often find myself alone in the apartment.
or with mark and denise, playing cards or doing whatever just to stop ourselves form sleeping early.
okay, a bit exaggerated , although some nights were like this though, dagdagan mo pa ng pancit canton.
anyway, i'm happy for both of them. ehm's really happy and she deserves to be.

Burger King Date
we've been going out together or staying in the apartment a lot lately, i know it won't be like this once 'real' studying starts. so i'm enjoying it.
we went to burger king, the second week of the school year, i think. we didn't stay long though, we all had lots to do at the apartment. i had fun.
eto yung mga klase ng araw/gabi na i don't care if i eat a lot, if i gained a couple of pounds in just one sitting, basta masaya.

Diliman and Trinoma with Pen
ok. this did not happen in elbi, but anyway, ehm, pen and i went to diliman to buy the book for eng1.
tas nagtrinoma kami. ehm and i are so happy cause we already know how to get to trinoma, to boni, to diliman, from binan. feeling naman namin we can get anywhere just because of this.
also pen's been staying at the apartment for the past two weeks. i'm glad she became friends with chase, mark and tj.
she goes on a self-declared holiday and we have classes til 7, we go home and find our apartment squeaky clean.
next week, we're going to teach her how to cook, para pag uwi namin
may pagkain na rin. hahaha. joke lang.

i got a haircut...again.
i know. it's crazy. i miss my long hair, sobra. and i know i've been ranting about just how much pero i had it cut.
shorter than ever, i have no idea what's gotten over me. it's ugly.
when i had long hair, or even the last short one, almost every other day was bad hair day, but still there are days that they actually look decent, beautiful, even. eh ngayon, everyday bad hair day, seryosos. it's that bad. i won't even post a picture.

no dull moment
that should be posted right outside, in the middle of 102 and 103's door.
lately lots of things have been going on the apartment. meetings. videoke nights. card nights. inuman session. chismisan. i wonder when vane and gel would start suggesting their usual - poker and bingo. i crave quiet nights too, and we actually had one last week. pen, denise and i just watched clueless in marks room. and after that when most of the apartment people has arrived, tumambay lang kami sa tapat ng apartment, para magchismisan at kung mag anu pa.

oh yan. yan lang naman talaga ang nangyayari sa elbi, nothing about acads. joke lang. well actually, i've tons to do for acads. i've to memorize my lines for the scene study chever for thea108. i've to do a paper about agyu and a tanaga for fil 21. i also have to be done with the brochure, and study for coma105. maybe i could fit in a movie night next week. or atleast a dinner at bonitos. or not.

...

wala ko masulat kahit pa last week's eventful compared to the other weeks. nakakatamad lang. pero anyway, the other night i kept trying to write, may ilang oras na yata kong nakatapat sa laptop ko, alternating coldplay with vanessa carlton for inspiration, nakasama pa yata na that morning i was reading pablo neruda poems eh. ako naman talaga may kasalanan eh, hindi kasi ako makahindi kay nikko. now i only have 4 days left and i still don't have anything.

help me Lord. nakakabaliw ang pressure.

acad mode

subjects im assuming i will enjoy:

COMA105. Public Relations and Advertising. excited ako sa paggawa ng advertisements, print ads and stuff kasi i missed out on doing teasers and posters for the past productions i was involved in. I don't feel obliged to go to class even though i am, because it's actually fun especially since we have ma'am marcial for our prof.

FRENCH10. Bonjour! vous vous apelez comment? okay, that means what's your name? not exactly relevant, eh ano naman? plus our prof is like the cutest thing, she's like 5ft tall tapos buntis cute cute amph. she graduated from up diliman, european studies major in french minor in span. crazy, ano? okay so sitting beside nikko and biboy may not be the smartest thing at first, but i get the feeling they're enjoying it too.

ENG101. English Prose Style. The only reason i might enjoy eng101 is because i would have to actually write again, which i barely do now. at dahil marerequire ako eh manonochoice ako. and because i sit with hazel, millie, pen and jinee and i enjoy the snide comments and the 'what the?' looks we exchange whenever macansantos says something 'duh', which is like all the time.

FIL21. folklores and myths may not be my favorite topics, but sir Dumlao is my favorite professor. not only do i listen and space out only twice or so per meeting, but i actually enjoy it. andami kong natututunan and i also feel inspired to write after every meeting. it's amazing what effect sir dumlao has on his students.

ARCHERY. so i smell like shit and i sweat like crazy. but i feel like i just came out of an LOTR movie whenever i have a bow in hand. it's hard, not what i expected, but this is the only PE i took wherein i actually want to excel. gusto ko pa nga magvarsity eh, oha, but that was before i tried it. ngayon, ayoko na, mahirap pala kasi.


which leaves us with the three subjects i might not enjoy:

THEA108. i am extremely disappointed. i can live with not having sir Joey for my thea108 professor, but Jeremy is so... so... so not anything a major subject professor should be. i hate it. nakakadepress. nakakirita. and i thought we're gonna learn about grotowsky and stanislavsky. give art some pride, man. medyo hirapan mo naman ang discussion. oh right, he gave us a handout of supposedly 'technical' stuff about acting, tapos ang refference nya, take note reFFerence, ay yahoo something. what the??

LTS1. three hours? i have better things to do with my time. okay, so that sounded a little bit shallow. but really, three hours is such a long time, especially when we're just playing half the time.

MATH11. i hate math. as simple as that. although i have to admit i am enjoying sets because it's easy compared to actually solving problems.


in the end it's all the same because i'll probably suck in most of them. i hope not though, i want/need better grades this sem.

why i love elbi?

i just spent an entire week at elbi, well, actually not really. just since monday til early today. my schedule allows me to come home early on fridays, and it's not like i want to. i happen to love elbi like crazy and would spend an eternity there if i find someone to spend it with me, there. labo ba? i wait long for a lightbulb whenever i'm asked why i love elbi. bakit nga ba? ewan ko. kung ikaw taga-elbi ka, bakit nga ba? i used to think it's a disease you get when you stay there long enough, but i know some people who still left after 2 years of breathing uplb air (ahem, cy?? iya??).

napasakay ako ng 'up college kaliwa' sa jeep (nagtaas na nga pala ang pamasahe shiet) and so i have to ride it all the way from st. therese, to baker, to freedom park, to lib, before reaching sakay-my stop. i didn't realize how much i missed elbi. there were couples at the freedom park even though it was, past 12 i think and the heat was soporific and hot. i reminded myself that it is something i still haven't done, hang out at the freedom park i mean. ang totoo, there's a list of things i'm still to do here at elbi before i graduate. ang dami pang kailangan at dapat gawin, the two years left may not be enough. o diba ang drama?

pero i look back and i also realize na there's a long list of the things i've done in elbi, things i wouldn't have done, or i wouldn't have had the chance to do if i were somewhere else. like lying in the middle of the street in the wee hours of the night. like doing aerobics, or asian dance. and now, the one i've waited for for so long, archery. like taking a walk, mapa-tanghali man o mapa-hatinggabi, just because i feel like eating something, o para magpost ng teasers, may sama pang takot na baka mahuli. like skipping class for proven. like being a part of three wonderful productions. like getting a hopeless crush on someone, and following him in silly attempts to mimic a stalker. like making friends and keeping them. like falling in love, and falling apart all in cacophony with elbi wind. and then usually my head goes blank at this point, but there really is so much beauty in elbi, so much experience, so much love. i am so thankful i'm here. i am inlove with elbi and i will always be, one day when it is finally the time for my children to experience college, i would be very happy to see them here in UPLB. sana ganto pa rin kaganda, ganto pa rin kasarap ang buhay dito. ang totoo di bale ng sira ang mga electric fan, di bale ng minsan sira din ang mga prof, basta ba paglabas mo ng ncas o hum, eh may mga tao sa steps at pagpunta nyo ng raymundo di pa ubos ang proven, pagdating ng gabi kung meron mang practice ang prod eh may mga kasama ka sa sulok para magbreak, at pagkatapos may kasama kang kakain sa itsumo o tatambay sa iziz o magbibidyoke sa nyokys, sabay libreng strawberry margarita. sarap. ang sarap ng buhay elbi. walang katulad. walang kapalit.

i'll be back on monday. at siguradong this time, may klase na. i don't mind, basta ba it means i get to spend break hours with friends and i get to breathe elbi air again.

crazy talk

i've been planning to study abroad after college. although the real sure thing is that i will be leaving for canada right after graduation. studying fine arts at UST did cross my mind but i really want to experience studying far away from home and well, UST is and will always be two of my brother's well loved home. after several plans i came up with 'the one', the this-is-it plan. i'd be leaving for canada late april or early may and will be living there a maximum of two months, i will then visit some of my cousins in the states (and go to disneyland!) and then, i will go to paris to study. crazy? i know. I was this excited when i wanted to study at UP, but even that was a suntok sa buwan decision. because 1.) i'm not even in the top of my class and 2.) i'm like in the third class from the star section. my dad bought me this study by yourself book while some of my friends enrolled at MSA. i know even he doubted whether i could pass. but i did, and i'm hoping that this time the angels will work on my side again.

let's go back to the plan. ofcourse when i get there i won't be studying right away. especially since the tuition fee costs a bajillion times more than UP tuition. also because the smallest of apartments costs 650 euros. according to my research, minimum wage would sum up to 3000 euros a month, but the take home pay would only be 2,700 or so. minus the rent, the electricity, the laundry and stuff, you'd only get about 50 to spend daily. what about the supposedly money left for savings? for duh, what i was there for, university? if you really think about it, it's kinda depressing. my dad says i think a lot, and that it's too early to think about it. he said i should atleast be in junior year before i start worrying about studying again. but i'll be in junior year, in less than a week.

i really want to go, i don't want this to be something i wanted at some point in my life. because of this i'm changing a lot of things in my 5 year plan. i've always wanted to graduate early, and i would actually be graduating early compared to the usual 21 year old graduates, i would graduate from college the month i turn 20. so i though it would be okay to study some more, because if i want a masters degree, i'd be done with it by 22 or 23, which is not bad. but i've decided to take another 4-year course. i'd be taking up comparative literature minor in theater and performance or comparative literature. and because i would be working for a year or so, i would be 25 or 26 by the time i graduate. a little old to still be studying, i've always wanted to have my own family by 24. but i really want this, and the course i'm talking about would be under the department of arts and literature and where better to study arts than in france, right? who am i kidding? when i was a little younger i spent half my days plotting how i will meet david beckham, what i will say down to what i will be wearing. and then there was this day when i sort of just hit my head and asked, what was i thinking? it was depressing, to suddenly wake up and realize that you wasted weeks, or a month being delusional. it was also depressing because you know that you'll never meet him, or talk to him. funny as it seems, it's absolutely true about a lot of things in my life. this dream is one of them.

a while ago while i was washing the dishes, ma went inside the kitchen and out of nowhere i asked her if she thinks i'll be able to really study at AUP. she didn't laugh or shake her head, she said we'll work hard for it. she said we have some savings to spend. and i felt extremely sad. my parents are now in the time of their lives where they're starting to save up for themselves, because they're already old and tired. my dad wants to retire already but he's working because i'm still in college and because they also have to have money when they go to canada. and i have no intention of using their money to study again. that's why i had it all planned out, well, not exactly. i've done some computations, and there is no way i can support myself in AUP because it costs a lot. but maybe with a little help from ISLP or other student loan organizations. maybe i can try for scholarship. or you know, just whatever. i hate it when my dad calls me spoiled, because i felt that i worked hard for the things i want and that i pay for half the things i own, but the truth is i have it easy, i have a good life. i am probably just too ecstatic about the thought of studying arts abroad, but i know life will be hard. i already checked some apartments, and some chambre de bonne, and although they're a little bigger than my room, they're not exactly home. i would have to work at starbucks or some cafe, and that's if i'm lucky or if my french doesn't suck. i would be studying and working at the same time. i wouldn't have the luxury to eat good food or to once in a while buy myself something expensive. i would have to make ends meet, and i know that sometimes they wouldn't. i would also suffer from massive loneliness, and knowing noone there i would be all alone in dealing with it.....

....papa's right. i sorta think a lot. i just, i don't know, want this too much. i know if i don't get in, i'd be able to try out for other universities. university of manitoba's okay. but i just really want this one. and i want to make sure i try everything.

....

i'm keeping myself from writing. because i'm having bitter thoughts, again, and well, it's been awhile. i just don't want to go back again and i'm really trying this time. like really torturing myself by not writing anything about it. i don't know how long i can hold on like this. especially with nothing or noone to hold on to.

tomorrow is supposed to be the beginning of my summer.
now, that may sound senseless, but you see tomorrow i'm supposed to be going with some college friends to anilao, because bop's got a house there. and i could almost imagine the sand under my feet, i could almost see the beach. but no, chase just texted and told me it was canceled. i still don't know what happened. i am waiting for someone to text me the full details.

urgh. although i have to admit, though unproductive my summer has been full of 'going outs' and 'buying stuffs' i never really got anywhere other than manila and here in binan. you don't exactly get tan while frequenting the mall, right? and besides, my bikinis also have to get used you know. and the summer is the only decent reason to go out almost naked, so i have to enjoy it. i have to. or else my bikinis will be stuck in my closet til next summer. well, actually, i'll be going to subic this weekend til monday, but that's with the family. that's a different kind of fun compared to being with friends. and my dad don't usually let me go out with friends, and he allowed me two nights and three days without parental supervision. at the beach. it sounded so perfect.

so, maybe i'll just wait a little longer. for their text, i mean. and if it really is cancelled, i'll go to batangas anyway, drag whoever, nobody's going to stop me from enjoying this summer.