don't bother

its funny how i'd still prefer chocnut over anything more expensive. i guess we'd always go back to the creme brulee-jello discussion. i hate it.

all i want is for you to rescue me.

back to normal

let's divert from my day to day emotional drama and move on to what's more important. serious much? i'm supposed to deliver my speech this spcm104 meeting, actually i was supposed to have delivered it last meeting. but no. argh. my persuasive speech is about death penalty. over rated? well, not for me. i'm VERY pro life. anyway, it heated up a debate the one time i opened the topic with some of the 05s. so i guess it's a pretty okay topic.

my hist2 prof who insisted she be called Panginoon is absent today. thank the REAL God. i have to admit, i get offended whenever she refers to herself as a God, take note, God not goddess.

last night, when i was supposedly studying for hist2, i found Weng's songbook. so we decided to crash at Keatre's place, as we always do, equipped with Selle's guitar and Weng's golden voice we disrupted Joseph and Eme's study time. asa. twas fun. singing oldies, i mean. it reminds me of long trips with the 'rents. my dad's a big beatles fan, and i grew up listening to michael learns to rock, bread, eagles and such. joseph and weng are too, so we felt bit nostalgic. i felt sad when Weng was singing it's all coming back to me now. hahaha. whaaaaaaaat?? it is a bit sad, really.

dear stranger. you make me so vulnerable.

i <3 secondhand serenade.
because because. anyway. my heart is heavy and my eyelids are heavier and the longer i stay awake the more i worry. that's what's wrong with me, i worry too much. right now i feel worried, scared and happy. and i didn't think it's possible to feel this much emotion all at the same time.

i'm worried because i'm scared. i'm scared that this is how things will always be. i'm scared that if i don't move on now, i never will. and i don't want that to happen. i want to move on too. i want to be happy. i want to find someone who'll love me. but i'm scared that even if i do, as i have many times before, i'd still be stuck on you. i'm scared that i will always switch from emotion to emotion, you make me so vulnerable. vulnerable to everything. i just want to be happy. and sometimes, i am. when we feel us getting closer, i'm happy. but i'm scared. because the closer we are, the harder it is to let go. i want to be contented. the thing with this situation is that you make me unhappy being myself. i hate myself because i can't change enough for you to like me back. it's crazy, huh? you've become a stranger. but sometimes when we talk, i hear him too, and i know that deep inside of you, he's there. make him come home. maybe he still likes the me i still am today.

...

come home now.
i can't write unless you come home now.

good mood ME

surprise surprise!! classes are until April. oh joy! bummer. why is UP so abnormal. my kuripot of a brother will finally come home on the last week of february and their visit will span a month. but i won't be around much. he waited 6 years to come home, who knows how long it'll take before he visits again. argh.

yun lang. haha!! i have tons to write a while ago. but im in a good mood now. so, yun.

dear stranger

i don't see you much. doesn't matter. i don't want to anyway. atleast that's what i tell myself when stuck in the sofa, still dressed with the clothes i wore the whole day hoping you'd visit and see me in them. pathetic. i know. i don't cry anymore, atleast there's an accomplishment. but i find myself writing to you everyday, and that, i find even more pathetic. i kinda feel like dan humphrey in gossip girl, with his sad-ass poetry and suicidal letters. haha. i've got a notebook full of them shit. except ofcourse, i'm far from suicidal. but anyway, here's one from the many i'd wish you'd take time to read:

Here’s to honesty I’d willingly give you, in far-fetched wishes of acceptance and love, wishes that you will never grant of reality. I’m tired. I get it, I’m just not it. And if I wait another year I’ll only get stoned for martyrdom, but before that, the pain of loving you will kill me first. And the rest of the world will stand and watch me fall, over and over again. If you promise me an eternity, I promise to die before you get tired of me. But what you can only promise me are walks you’re too tired to take. Of conversations that’ll only push me away. Of forever’s worth of 60 second memories you will never be able to give. Broken promises are promises nonetheless, and they are the only thing I get a hold of. And this is what you do to me. You make me wait all night for your arrival. You make me sing songs I wish I wrote. You make me lie in the ground with you while you’re drunk with heartbreak liquor, and me with tears. You make me listen to your stories, even when all I want is for you to listen to me. When shall I tell you? perhaps never. Because this is what you do to me. You make me fall so hard, the fall gets too tiring that I want nothing else but to finally hit the ground, but I keep on falling. I’m singing you goodbye, and from the muffled voices could you pick apart what im saying? I’m telling you I miss you and if I could bring back highschool, I would.

Here’s to goodbye and the lie that I will finally let you go.

nicole's havin lotsa fun

nicole got drunk. haha! told me i make simple things complicated. i guess so. i guess i do.

anyway, chase kept building his friend up. ang hirap isulat lhat ng sinabi nya eh. pero bsta, i don't know if i should be happy. both my bestfriends(chase and nicole) are rooting for jake. teej is rooting for whoever owns my heart. wow. as if that person wants me too. haha!! i don't know if i should follow my heart and sulk, or i if should follow my friends and open up to another person. haha! jake seems nice though. if not, then chase won't be able to forgive himself. haha!

i can't sleep, dammit. and i can't write anything other than these no frills blog entries. haha! it's okay though. im trying to keep everything simple. so as to avoid complications. haha! :)

i'll try to get some sleep now.

long entry ahead

this sem was the fastest ever, but i constantly felt the need for it to end. everything was so tiring, mostly because of the play. other than that, everything else was just plain complicated. i'm beginning to love that word, complicated. it sums up everything that's been going on with my life lately. haha! anyway, when i finally felt the semester dawning, how i wish i could pull back time so i could have a few more moments at the apartment, a few more bonding sessions with my housemates. but i guess, i needed the break as well. everything is in such a fast pace that i feel in dire need of something to stop me from running over everything.

this morning, in the shower, i kept repeating my speech over and over again. this is about the nth time i've done it. i'm good at writing the things i want to tell him, but no, i lack the courage to say 'em. sure, we've been talking more and more each day now, i've got this silly hope that soon we'll be back to the friends we were. but i miss our silences, i miss when we talk with our hearts for what our words won't be able to say. i miss a lot of things. but i've no intention of bringing em back now. i just want to completely get over everything. tj, of all people should understand. if there is anyone who knew everything i went through, it's him, but i guess it's hard to understand such a selfish decision. i'm crazy. i should stop writing about it, it only gives me a documented proof of how stupid i am. i won't move on. so i guess i'm only saying, that i'm going to stop trying. dammit. i'm so fickle minded.

anyway, i've got the whole sembreak planned out. i should be able to finish atleast 3 classics, i'm choosing between 2 shakespeare comedies, hg wells' time machine and modern utopia or beuwolf. hmmm. wadya think? i've got about 30 korean movies to finish, haha! crazy, right? i was actually watching my girl and i last night. man, i cried in the first scene. them damn koreans know how to make a lonely girl like me feel deprived. the line was "su ho still can't forget you. his brain is tiny, but it's filled with thoughts about you. let go of my friend, please." and this line was being screamed into the sea, to a girl who's been dead for 10 years already. su ho was obviously stuck, it made me cringe more. with jealousy i guess. i'd exchange any intelligent guy for one who'd love me 10 years after i die.
the other day i stayed up until 4 am, talking to joseph when he was supposedly studying for math. we talked about selle. i hit him hard with the pillow everytime he say something nice. because i feel lonely. because all the time i was sitting there beside him, i was thinking how much i wish i was sitting there with someone else, and that someone else telling me nice things too. i get so desperate sometimes. can't help but remember my dad, he told me a month ago ata, that i shouldn't get too desperate, all i have to do is wait because i deserve a prince daw. touching, ha? my dad thinks i'm a princess, i can't even have a damned beggar tas he thinks i'll be able to snag myself a prince. perhaps the shining armor. but not the prince. haha!

not everything's been going fine. but i always had something to hold on to, it's the thought that when it's not okay, then it's probably not the end. diba? it makes sense to me, and it keeps me strong.

i miss writing. like really writing. i mean, i write, but not as well as i think i can. i don't know what happened. papa kept pushing, it's okay when he does, i feel as if i'm not pushed enough to work harder. growing up, i always felt that i was competing with him. ofcourse i never could win, but i love the feeling of defeat, i love that he always know the meaning of the words i throw at him, i love that he keeps reiterating how his vocabulary got so wide, i love his stories about his childhood, about lola who was an english public school teacher. i love it because i always feel that there's more i can do to improve. i guess that's why i started this blog, i don't feel challenged writing in english, but i can only write about one emotion in such a way that it becomes almost like a figment, like a shadow luring at every black and white photo, embracing a widower's cold shoulders over her husbands grave, enveloping a mother in her third miscarriage. see? only one emotion. sadness. i need to write about others things too.

bes is here in elbi. :)

to sum it all up, everything's a mess

chaotic three days. i wish i could write everything, but i lack the energy, sobra sa emosyon kulang sa lakas. i've been switching from mood to mood lately and i'm getting tired of all the drama. everything's getting under my skin, and i'm really confused whether i should be happy or sad about some things. im pissed, that's for certain but other than that i have a kaleidoscope of emotions drowning me in bittersweet tears.

in three days, i fought and made up with one of my most loved boys, made the biggest decision of my life, made friends with them guys upstairs, missed a fun night of drunk guys, cried my heart out over another broken heart and the choice to make it stay that way, had more revelations to last a lifetime, finished a portfolio and a paper, had laughs with my favorite people in the world, and slept with my heart heavier than it already is. i hate life sometimes.

grabe talaga. i really wish i could be genuinely happy. it's been a while na rin kasi and i deserve to be happy. atleast i think so. and it's really selfish, what i'm trying to do now, but for once i'm actually thinking of myself. everybody else is wishing for things to get better between US, but it's really not that easy, i'm so tired. you've changed. it might take me forever to understand why this is supposed to be better than before, and i'd normally say i'd wait. but i'm tired. i've been thinking of noone but you for the last 2 years. i've got to start thinking of myself now.

i've got to learn to love ME.

blah blah

this was bound to be the best day of this semester, but no. i feel a bit nostalgic. must be the song gel's playing, i don't know. everything seems to be such a mess in the end.

beyond sense

in some alternate universe where Philippines is a first world country, i am kc concepcion with the face of jessica alba, spending my sunday morning dancing in the streets of paris in a boho ensemble. but in relaity i'm just me, spending my sunday morning infront of the tv waiting for Pacquiao's game.

i don't even like kc. i like paris though.

my mom's not sharon, but i think she's just as mega. haha! :)

obviously, i have nothing to say. but anyway, i dream of paris and glamour.

...

i can sleep now.

am i allowed to worry?

i have to know, if this joining the frat decision is really something you thought about for a looooong time. because it seems to me as if it's really not helping you. i mean, that's what it's supposed to do, right? it's supposed to help you. it's supposed to be a benefit to you, in some way. but i'm always afraid for you, especially now. and you're beginning to be afraid for yourself as well. i don't know if it's just me or is something really wrong about this situation. because i can't let you walk by yourself, i'm tortured by imagining you walking alone, vulnerable to hits and whatever them other frat men do. but i let you walk alone kanina, and the way home from square was kinda painful for me, and when we got home gel told me she was thinking about it too. we should've walked with you, that's the only thing we have to do to save you from danger.

this is really making me crazy. i know you should be my keeper and protector and all, but now it seems as if you're the one who needs protecting eh. oh and i hate to tell you this because i'm sure you'll hate me for doing so but im starting to believe that it was a stupid idea. i do. the only reason why i didn't stop you is because i promised myself that i'll support you and because you told us you can do it and i didn't want to step on your pride by saying "no." and i owe it to you to believe that nothing bad will happen because you did get through everything alive, but i can't help but get worried.

i'm ugly and i'm not up to anything else than sulking

so anyway, being a crush ng bayan and a frat man have it's rather unfortunate consequences. and i know it sounds funny, but i got your back. i may seem small and fragile, but have you forgotten how you've left me soon enough to make me grow out of your protective wing, i'm stronger than how i seem now. and i'd battle a dozen frat men with their black long umbrellas if they ever do anything with your hair. okaaay. that doesn't make sense, but whatever.

so I've Got A Dark Alley And A Bad Idea That Says You Should Shut Your Mouth, la lang. haha! i've got nothing to say, really. just that thinking about what i've been dealing with for the past few days, everything else seems so small. yes, including what's happening to me for several months now. it's so petty. everything's so complicated. i'm complicated, i guess that's why setting me up with someone will not work (d'you hear me chase?) because i'm too emotional, i've got too many hung ups, i've got a lot to think about as it is, and i've got no time for more problems.

of barbaric hotness and beatiful friends (including chase)

Last Friday, I’ve got no choice but to watch Tarzan. It’s not like I don’t want to watch it, pero I wanted to watch a movie sana but unfortunately there were no good films that night, which was weird considering that it was a Friday night. Anyway, after Kala saved baby Tarzan, and Phil Collins’ Two hearts One Family played, man, I got the chills. And, You’ll Be In My Heart still makes me cry. Friday Realization: though I’ve leveled up to teen movies, ima be a Disney baby at heart forever. Anyway, I was in elementary the last time I’ve watched it, and well, nakalimutan kong nakakaiyak pala talaga sya and that ang pogi lang ni Tarzan eh. (segway onti, it’s really weird whenever I’ve got a fictional crush. And no, I don’t mean characters and real people from teleseryes or movies only, but from mangas as well. Haha! Well, forgive me for not having a life. And for having mad crushes over drawings.) return to Tarzan, my favorite part was when kala’s what’s-his-name husband was dying and he called Tarzan ‘my son’ and Tarzan had this look on his face. Man, was that scene funny or what? Well, I kinda cried, haha, but thinking about it. It’s pretty funny. Oha, kelan p naging honor matawag na anak ng gorilla. That scene was super talaga! And well, is it not unfair for Jane, yeah, Tarzan loves her but she’s like the only woman of Tarzan’s species that he’s seen. Diba?

anyway, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY DEAREST CHASE. i know it's lame, but i kinda miss calling you 'til d end', not tde ha, as in complete, til d end. hmm?? and damn you, we planned for that surprise party, it would've been fun. sayang. i hope you're happy though, it's your day!! nabagyo amp. haha! :) anyway, what's up with you? it's crazy that you're setting me up with someone. i mean you've done it like the third time already, the first two it kinda felt like you were pushing me away to someone you don't really know much about. i have to admit, i hated you for that. especially since the second guy was a real loser, and you know just how much i got offended. it's kinda weird, cause back in highschool it's like you're always keeping guys off my back. you were my keeper. and now it's like you're giving me away. i miss the old chase, no, actually i miss JC. haha! :) jake's okay, i guess. this time you probably gave it a lot of thought, not like with the other two, it was so random, so unlike you, i don't know if you were just teasing or if you really wanted me to end up with them. mark and tj were teasing me too, but you're different, i expected much from you. okay. this is getting serious. haha!! i hated you for the first two incidents, that's the truth, with this one, im okay with, siguro kasi it's kinda serious the way you told me about it, and you said he's nice and that i can judge for myself naman. or maybe because you think i'm desperately in need of a man in my life. hahaha! am i that lonely? i guess...

to my two beautiful bes, who got their feet sore for window shopping with me. love you forever. we're going to buy that baby phat dress, or else. haha!