feb18

i feel cruel for giving promises i know i won't be able to keep. i feel unappreciative for being given something i wished for and not wanting it because i can't be given the one thing i really want. i feel tired of not having a relevant thing to say other than my pains that no one really cares about. i feel alone, and it's so unfair because people try to come in and i keep myself tightly shut. i feel vulnerable to anything. i feel like a shallow, insecure, morose bitch. just because i've never felt this ugly as when i have to stand beside her, as when i have to talk to her and realize just how perfect she is.

i want to drown every bit of insecurity i have with all the feelings i have for you. then i'll be relieved of all my pains. sometimes i can't help but wonder if things would've been different if i was even just slightly good enough for you. but i know i've already lost the battle before i even step into the field. i know i won't even be able to run the race to vie for your heart because i know anyone can win except me. and it makes me feel so insecure. and i try really hard, i do. but you just can't see past everything you've known. no matter how i change, no matter how i try to be different, you will always always see past it and see the old me. the same way i see the old you.

i wish i could've gone back halfway through the race so i could still have a little part of me left, so i could start anew. but i've nothing more left here. just this sick sick tune i can't stop singing.

valentines drama

i can't stick around for nothing.
i can't wait forever.
i can't be alone always.
i can't be whole for you.
i can't cry for you.
and i can't give you everything.

things i can't do for the things i've already done. i can't give anything i haven't given before. there's nothing more left of me except this wretched me, and i can't expect you to stay but i do. because i expect too much, too much from you. leave me if you can't help but let this happen again. let me wait all night, let me feel so sorry for myself. chase said i shouldn't expect too much from you because i'll only get disappointed it's funny how i take advices from him now. but alone today, i had noone to talk to. and sure the tears took me by surprise as i swore i will never cry, but i didn't cry for you, i did for myself. i needed it.

black and white

the truth is the things i regret i would've done over and over again if given the chance. these are the times i spent with you. my own hell that i invite myself to. just so i could burn in the heat of your drunken embrace, just so i could feel a little warmth of something you wouldn't give out in the sun. amidst strangers and friends carried away by the heat and darkness, i can pretend we're alone. you are different. in the darkness, behind the fog and smoke, you are different. and if i have to stay out of the light forever, i would. if it means i would have another chance of a pseudo happiness, to cover up the truth that i would only remain happy until tomorrow. and i would again regret it the next day. and then do it again if i have another chance.

i know i don't make much sense. but last night you said i am to you what he is to her. a bestfriend. and yet, it's the sweetest thing i've ever been told. only because it came from you.

tomorrow i'll be back to black and white. being grey is not that fun i realized. but one day i will be grey again for you. just so we could share another dance.

for once it's not for you

i think my heart is as fragile as a balloon now, one more pain and it'll pop. and there is only one constant prayer in my lonely nights before i surrender to sleep and that is that he'll turn it into a stone.

i need something permanent. i deserve that. i don't need someone to stay only when he wants to. but i don't want to ask you to stay around, i know i'm not that easy to understand. i know it will be too much to ask, i know i've given away my heart and the only thing left is a finger, nothing compared to the fist-sized beating machine. so how about i say i give you something to hold on to, would you promise to never let go.

i promise i would try. would you promise you would too?

on breakups

just because you're not answering any of my messages and because i won't be able to see you until this weekend if ever you do come home from work.

it'll be fine. you don't know how much i wish you didn't have to experience this to learn. but since it's happening, i do hope you learn from it. i hope you'd grow from it. and i wish you'd recover. maybe it's the time to finally do those things you talked to me about, things you planned to do 'if ever' you two are not together. you always knew you were destined for something better. but i know you love ate apple, planned your life together with her, and i know it sucks, but you'll get over it if you want to. when you find it hard to go on, you know that despite our differences i will always, always, be here for you. i love you, and i love ate apple too, we all do. but you're still blood and it's thicker than any ties with other people, we will always be on your side. and if only we could protect you from all the pain your experiencing now, we would. be strong kuya. i hate to imagine you weak and sad. i hate you most of the time, you know that, but i will hate you more if you sulk about it. especially if you do it without me.

i do wish you'd answer my messages though, i wish we could talk. you always come to me when things like this happens, and it sucks to not hear it from you. i love love love you kuya. be strong.

losing my bestfriend

came from the PI field trip. and i know you're supposed to learn all these Rizal stuff. but in the end of the day, the only thing i learned and realized is how much i miss Nikko. It's unbearable we're together the whole day and we haven't said a word to each other. we really were close then. Denise said that if i wanted to make up with him i could've done it a long time ago because really the only person who could make it happen is myself. actually, that's not entirely true, vecause all i was waiting for was an apology. but i guess i'm just partly to blame, i'm a little embarassed because i know i said some bad things. and i know then that whenever i feel as if i did something cruel, he would remind me that he's nikko and that he would never judge me and that he will always understand. but i didn't understand him, i didn't even try and i just know i never will. but i atleast want us to be friends again. when this issue exploded, i didn't go to class for two weeks because i didn't want to see him, not because i was mad, more because i was in pain. because i, too, was his biggest fan. i listened to all his stories, believed everything he said, and in return i told him everything. serious things we never talked about seriously, things we manage to talk about in between doodling and playing Stupid. that's why it hurt when i found out he told gel and not me, but i also realized that if i knew i never would have forgiven him, which is a lie, i know, but i could've hated him sooner which is worse than now.

i miss nikko. i miss how he's such a good friend to me, and i'm sorry i didn't hear his side or atleast try to save the friendship. i wish i could've done things differently. the truth is sometimes i even wish i never found out, i know i could've lived without knowing. i sometimes wish he is still the nikko i thought he was. but it's all done, and i know the only possible thing is wishing that we return to being friends again.

fredster

this is fir denise and ehm. okay mostly for me too :)

he's gwapo and hot all right. thanks to wildchild which i enjoyed by the way i now have a schoolgirl crush on fredster!

nothing lasts forever

i asked Nicole to do me a favor and stop me when the time comes that i actually want to get married. she's probably laughing about it now. but I'm serious. the white fluffy gowns and fancy ten-storey cake is the biggest cover-up of the biggest crime in the world. giving yourself to someone you think you know, only to spend/waste half your life with your 'partner' and realize you can't live with each other. really, nobody stays together anymore. if they do it's all because of the kids, and do they actually think the fighting and hurting doesn't affect the kids at all. it's so sick! i can't believe i actually had a dream wedding, i can't believe I've fantasized about dropping the kids to school and all that family stuff. SPARE ME!

I've written so much about it, but in the end, i still don't understand it. Love is shit. I don't want to believe in it anymore. I'd like to say i don't believe in it at all but then again i would have to take it back someday. and i don't want to have to. I HATE THIS!

just today i did a good thing. especially for someone lazy like me. and it's not like i expect to be treated so nicely about it. i mean, he did say thank you, almost a whisper, almost incomprehensible. and the funny thing is (but who's laughing) if i could go back and have another choice, i'd do it again! how crazy am i?

lover's cross

i love Jim Croce. never mind that they (Denise, Ehm... everyone) laugh at me whenever i sing time in a bottle in the videoke. i just love him.
i have a new favorite Jim Croce song, it's Lover's Cross. listen to it, it's good.. don't watch the youtube video though. trust me. unless you're a big super mario fan. hahaha! or watch it and you'll know why.

my dad is watching his dvd now.. i don't mind seeing him sing, i just prefer not to. so while i listen to him, i do this.

lolo

i planned to write about my grandfather's death last december 30. but, it's not really something i'm comfortable with. so let's just leave it at that.

do pray for his soul though.

series madness

i started season 2 of Gossip Girl yesterday.
and i finished season 3 of How I Met Your Mother today.
how cool is that?

mashed potato and flunking cognitive psych

i saw two people wearing stabilo orange pants today, in the words of Marvin Gaye, WHAT"S GOING ON?
is neon the new fad, i hope not.

but that is not the reason behind this blog entry. the reason is that i have a feeling that i might flunk psy148. which is just sad. pathetic. not to mention embarrassing. psychology is supposed to be interesting. any subject that does not involve solving math problems are labeled PASSABLE to me. but no, not this one, and take note it's not because it's hard it's because the prof (whose name i don't even know) makes it hard. she is nice though, but she can be nicer.

anyway, last night was perfect. Chase, Denise and I went grocery shopping. we cooked mashed potato, well actually Chase cooked mashed potato, Denise and i helped. and we had mashed potato, corn and carrots for dinner. after that we (Ehm, Gel, Mark, Denise, Chase) wiid (which is the verb for playing wii. durrr) and headed to the rooftop and sang disney songs. then i studied for the exam which i probably failed earlier today.

well that's it actually.

dur.

i've got lots of stories about the lack of it. but i've got no time except to say that i can live without certain things for a week, but i can't seem to survive without chuvaness.

i've got to live my other life too,you know.

holiday updates

Belated Merry Christmas everyone. our internet was crazy (i have a feeling Ella has something to do with it hahaha) and i just gave up after a million try, so i wasn't able to blog for days.

dec.24-25
nagmass lang kami sa Binan, but since Uncle Bob and Auntie Lita are home for the holidays, we spent Christmas there. which is okay. dahil mas maraming tao, so mas masaya.

i kinda missed it too. kasi last year we spent christmas at home. mas masaya talaga if there are kids around. my pamangkins went crazy over kuya allan in a santa costume. hahaha!

dec26

we were supposed to go out before and after Christmas we were all busy before the 24th so it was almost impossible. Gusto manuod ni Chase ng Tanging Ina, Nicole and I really just wanted coffee, and when we got to ATC we all wanted fried Mac and Cheese and decided to eat at Fridays. but the boys didn't want to spend too much on food, forever kuripot wala pa ring nagbago hahaha. so we decided on shakeys where we spent the same as we would if we ate fried mac and cheese (bitter talaga ako.) anyway, we had coffee after and hung out in Aplaya.

we saw Shiela btw.

dec.27
kuya paolo and i were watching how i met your mother and forgot all about the time. my dad hates it when we over sleep and he also hates it when we overwatch tv, so patay kami. it was already around 4:30 and we had to sleep, fast, before my dad finds out, oh but he did hahaha. we woke up at 12 , half the day was gone but who would've thought, andami kong nagawa, i finished south of the border west of the sun by Murakami. and i finished two artworks. nag-drawing din sila kuya and si papa, it was a fun sunday afternoon :)

may God forgive the mansons

yesterday was shitty but i'll still be shut about it, except that i will always remember it as the day How I Met Your Mother and Chase saved me a few minutes before today happened. and well, today was great until i listened to helter skelter and mentioned it. soon my parents were telling me about sharon tate and charles manson and all that sick stuff. way to go! really, now i feel extremely christmassy!!! sick sick people. i can't believe they actually exist. and my mom even wanted to show me pictures of the house, and the Helter Skelter on the walls, i freakin saw sharon tate, pregnant, bloody and all. and some people actually look up to this charles manson guy! they even have his face for tattoos. SICK! okay, i can now tolerate che guevarra wearing people who don't even know the hero, just leave that manson guy in the 1960s where he belongs. and way to go manson, you just ruined a potential favorite beatles song! NOW I'M STUCK WITH BLACKBIRD!

I hope i get my perkiness back tomorrow.

i hope noone reads this before christmas. curiousity is deadly.
MERRY CHRISTMAS. and as everyone might head out to post christmas parties and all the jazz (except me) i will borrow a line from my lifesaver, How I Met Your Mother:

a friend does not let a friend drink and dial.