Because my article is finally done.

I realize that all day long I listen to your stories, to your endless theories, even to your worries if your chickens have food in country story. And then I talk about worrying about my article and halfway I stop and ask if you’re listening and realize you’re not. I realize whenever I tell you something I have to always check whether you're listening, because most of the time you're not. Sometimes you tell me you feel unappreciated, and I try hard not to be so self-absorbed like all Leos and never tell you, but I do too. At least the men you love at some point loved you back. I never had the same fate. I mean I only really loved two, just a quarter compared to you. With Chase, although i have nothing bad to say about him except having hurt me so much in the past, I am without good words to say about it too. Not once have I felt needed, or my presence appreciated. The same goes with Mark, who will continue to live despite my existence, or inexistence. I also realize I shouldn't complain, after all thanks to you I sometimes feel fine with the fact that I am alone. Because I feel we're in it together. I don't feel the need for a boyfriend whenever you surprise me with mashed potatoes and BLT whenever I'm lonely, or with hokaido dome (our favorite) whenever you promise you'd come to LB early and didn't, or when we sing El Scorcho out loud. It's just today I feel you don't listen to me enough. And I know I have a tendency to talk way too much, but still. I mean I already feel I don't have enough friends who care enough. I shouldn't feel this way about you. You are my best friend, after all.

just when I thought there's nothing more to give.
i chose you and discovered the million things I haven't given him yet.

you are mine, forever to keep

some people measure their pains by the seasons that passed.
i measure mine by the years.

some people forget when they stop talking about it.
some people forget when they talk about it a lot.
i don't forget. simple as that.

some people recover as fast as they had fallen.
i keep on falling.

some people bounce back as if nothing happened.
i never hit the ground.

some people move on to another when the time requires change.
i never move on.

some people stop when they tell themselves to.
i cheat myself by dreaming.

some people capture your heart.
i will never so much take hold of your hand.

some people pass by and you would never chase them back.
i will run, come morning i will be by your side again.

some people, they never mattered to you.
i am different, i am your friend.

some people they will never understand. they never try.
you always did.

some people, they never measured to my expectations.
you also never did. so i pulled them back so you would.

some people, they try to penetrate my world.
i have built mine around you.

some people will get tired of my complicated life.
i pray you never do.

some people love me.
but i love you.

Rangers

I think I know.

I have one too many reasons to stop being black and white but I can't help it. It's just the way I am. I know they find it funny, an anecdote while drinking even, how I've only had two suitors and I didn't even say yes to one of them. I'm not easy. I'm not saying they are, It's just I need time. I take too much time actually.

I'm too complicated, I don't even understand myself. I wish I'm more complicated though. I don't know what I want. I want to be found. To have something big. to be a Nana and have Ren. or be Nana and have Nana. i don't know!!!!

Maybe I don't want to be found, maybe not as much as finding thrills me.

if this is a choice like gel says it is, then i choose to wake up tomorrow devoid of any hurt or feelings for you. i choose to be happy.

and tomorrow, I will be.

logged out of blogger and decided to download mangas from vnmanga when i found out the site's already closed. WTF

Zero = Love

Watching : Vampire Knight (anime)

the problem with me is I read too much. so there, I already know the ending and I've lost the desire to watch more since i will not get the ending I want. and since I know everything that will happen. Zero over Kaname in whatever dimension. Zero and Yuuki forever. okay, sorry, I sound like a fan just now.

reminds me that I miss: Nana, Goong and Paradise Kiss

read all three mangas. am not a big anime fan. so I choose what i watch depending on the drawing. and I'm a big Ai Yazawa fan, so there. my ged, Nana. The most painful anime there is. read the manga and cried like a baby in front of the computer. Nana is too much for me. Not in a bad way though, it's just, so real to me. the pain is so incredibly real. Watched only up to the 9th episode because it's a long series, I don't even think it's done now. Paradise Kiss is a short one, so I read the manga and watched the anime which lasted for only 4 hours I think. Goong is the manga version of Princess Hours. mas nakakakilig than the live version. believe me.

so there. I'll end this before I rant about mangas.

On s’en va sans savoir

been listening to La Meme Histoire all night. well actually all morning too, since 11 last night til what, 6 am? hahaha! i don't know what to feel listening to it. I guess it brings back the feeling I had when i watched one of the short films from Paris, Je T'aime. The one about a man who was waiting for his wife at a restaurant. all the while, thinking about things he hates about her. how she wears her favorite red jacket all the time, and promises she'd throw it away but never does. how she sings only one song over and over again while she cooks. how he always seem to order the better food when they're eating out because she always seem to like his better than what she ordered. and so now in the restaurant, he's waiting for her so he could tell her he's leaving her for a younger, sexier woman. so she arrives, in her favorite red jacket, and sits opposite him. they stare at each other for a while, she was smiling. and then all of a sudden, she starts to cry. and the man was thinking, could she have found out about the younger, sexier woman? and then out of her bag she pulls out this white paper, and he reads it and finds out she's sick and has only a little while to live. he embraced her, and decided not to leave her. he started doing things for her, taking long walks with her, reading a book to her. He listens to her sing while she cooks, and would hug her from behind resting his chin on her shoulder. he said by acting like a man inlove, he fell inlove again. but the wife died, and since then everytime he sees anyone in a red jacket he feels an intense loneliness.

i don't know how long that film was, a little more than 5 minutes I guess, but it made me so incredibly sad. made me cry, actually. even if I was watching it with Franco and Karize. there were no dialogues, just the man narrating everything. talking of how he feels, of what is happening, so most of the time there's just silence. my ged, parisians are so irritatingly romantic. i don't get kilig over old people, and this one is about a couple in their late 40s or early 50s maybe but it was so beautifully done. I can't wait for Karize to get back in LB so I can get my copy. I want to watch it before the New York, I Love You movie comes out (this August, I think).

so anyway, Feist is tired of singing La Meme Histoire in my itunes, but I'm still not over with the song. I feel both light and sad listening to it. It's not always that I feel this certain, I don't know, peace.

on trying and gaining back my bestfriend

Sir Piocos read my concept paper and poem in class today. He said my entry about how I came up with the concept was much better and more sincere than my poem. That it was actually more poetic. It was actually more of a dear diary thing and I was afraid he’d say how teeny-bopper it was, haha! But he liked it at least, said it was mature and well, poetic. He’s not a fan of the poem though. Ugh.

So anyway, I think it’s about time I make time for writing. Something well though of but not trying too hard. Shit before this semester ends I have to atleast be chosen once for the best poem, im so tired of waiting for MY time. I have to make it happen. Demmit.

Which brings me to Monday night talk with Chase Isip. Funny how we can talk now like we used to when we were still bestfriends-bestfriends. And I had the longest discussion with him about me trying to actually get this guy, and when I couldn’t stress the point why it’s so important for me to try, I just had to tell him. So I did. Mark and I debated on this almost everyday for what, two weeks now. Because I see no point in telling him what’s already passed, Mark says I should just for the heck of it. And now Chase and I are sharing one too many laughs about it. And when I look back, I realize it is funny. Brought us closer I guess. And now he understands, how when it was during his time I never once tried to make him love me, that whenever girls would come to his life I would shut up and simply wait for MY time. and now I just felt the need to find out whether things would be different for me if I try. I know how hopeless and pointless fighting a losing battle is. But after 3 years I realized I’m never really the kind to get tired of hoping. But when Chase looked at me so seriously and said “maawa ka naman sa sarili mo” I felt ridiculously pathetic. He said I should stop trying to change just because I don’t feel enough. He asked me if I don’t feel that I am at least worth someone who’d love me because I’m simple and a million party nights away from being aggressive. I’m crazy sad because of how things are going for me, but on one side I feel extremely happy because I have chase to lean on to. Even if he feels he’s not helping, he’s the biggest help I have right now.

I guess this is a long enough entry to compensate for my absence these past few days. So, til tomorrow. I wait and no one will come. Fucket I’m kidding.

recycling poetry

would you believe, my second to the last post which was actually really just about what happened tonight is now revised into what i will pass tomorrow in Eng106 class. yes, this is what we like to call recycling. it's not yet done done, but it's better, i think. minus the details of the first one which is just a narration. i tried to apply a little subtlety, i've never been good at that though. i'm better with giving it all, no mystery, know what i mean? anyway, eto na:

Dama De Noche
In the silence of your absence
I remind myself
of nights before.
You lulled me to sleep
with your finger
mapping the lines on my palm.
dreamsounds in the background
invisible arabesques on the wall
In the confines
of my apocryphal universe,
where you fall like the nobleman
for dama's fragrance,
I will win your heart
in a one night's time.
I pray Cynthia
sing me to sleep
it's pointless waiting
but you keep singing
and i keep waiting.
I wait for forever's end
And til then
tonight, and nights after
I wait
And no one will come

for balance, instead of ranting about my nonexistent lovelife, I've decided to talk about how shitty my academics are going. well, the reality is that it will all go down to my being irresponsible, but creative writing is not exactly only about sense of responsibility, but talent as well. i look back at all the poems i've done only to realize that they are all wrong. sure, writing is about saying how you feel and all that crap, but apparently there is a right way of doing it.

this is my version of free writing, so for 5-10 minutes i will rant nonstop about not being talented enough. i'm talented at so many things, waiting for one, waiting forever, second. but not so much in writing. I may be the most normal being there is. I am absolutely ordinary and it sucks the life out of me. There is nothing worst in the world than being ordinary.Franco says love for writing is enough reason to go on, but I realize love for writing will not exactly sell, it could only do so much, like pass Eng106 for example(Please Lord, let me must pass eng106).

i'm so tired of wanting something so bad and being contented in watching it from afar. actually, contented is not the right word, more like limited. i have no idea what kind of magic the invisible wall that separates me from my dream is made of. restriction, maybe. i want to free myself from the religious constrictions I have, from the family values I value so much so i can be free to write whatever I want. but the reality is that I don't even know what I want to write about. just that I want to write, that much I know.

I don't want anything else. I just want to write! no purpose, no goal. i just want to write. and yet my heart seeks the acceptance of those around me. I want to be good. my god, I'm never good enough for anything, am I?

Nikko says the problem with poetry is that it's so arbitrary. what may be good for one may suck for someone else. i don't care about anyone else, the acceptance of my professors are enough. one unbelievably flattering compliment and i might, might, might find hope in writing again.

don't get me wrong, leaving writing has never crossed my mind. this is my life. i know no other thing than writing. but sometimes, instead of freeing me from my pains, it causes me greater distress. I believe in loving what you do and doing what you love, and more than the silly boys in my blogs, writing is my one great love. but i'm getting nowhere. i have absolutely nothing wonderful to offer the world. you won't exactly get somewhere by fading away, will you? i don't want to fade away. i'm no kurt cobain, and if ever i do fade away, atleast let me do it with honor. with my own Come As You Are.

i'm not making any sense, am I? i don't usually make sense. i sort of just rant and rant and i usually don't know how to stop. I have nothing to write, tomorrow's the deadline for the Eng106 poem, and I'm tired of making something only good enough to pass. my 35/50, 15/25 and 35/50 is not good enough. no! ONE MAD IDEA! how hard is that?

my god. i've been waiting 3 hours now, where is he?

dama de noche

i found i have a knack for waiting. expecting follows.
the day's bipolar weather made me undesirable in any way possible.
and in the shower i thought of the night i am to spend with you.
dreamsounds in the background
and invisible arabesques on the wall.
you will be busy studying, and i'll be busy pretending.
i spent an entire half hour tending to myself.
a big shirt and tiny-teeny shorts were enough
but instead of smoke and sweat from an all day's work
i smelled like mango passion fruit.
in the confines of my apocryphal universe
where you fall like the nobleman
for dama's fragrance,
i will win your heart
in a one night's time.
feet crossed, chin propped on one palm
i tried putting the thought away
til later when it is real.
cynthia alexander was singing
loud in my ears
and i felt you touch my shoulder
lightly, gently, like a feather
about to fly away.
you were dressed to leave
and i betrayed you with a smile,
i asked you to take care
and you promised you would be back.

feet crossed, chin propped on one palm,
i wait again for forever.
til then, tonight and nights after,
i am your dama de noche.

September all over again

this time, it's no longer just plain painful. last night i was happy. my arms intertwined with yours, you once again played your finger on my palm. i showed you how to do it, you kept doing it wrong but the truth is you can do it any way you want, i'd be glad just to have a part of you touching a part of me.

i'll remember every detail, it will be a crime to forget. I remember every song you sang last night, everything you said. I remember the faces you made when i said something stupid or funny, or when i got over-emotional. I remember the way my cheek touched your shoulder when you were showing me how to twist my hand.

my god, i sound so obsessed!

shiny red balloon spoils everything

barbie, listen please
my little boy blue is stuck
outside waiting for it to stop
one two three
the rain is falling
can you hear?
i can

barbie, sing me to sleep
make me forget for a while
the rain outside
is pouring inside
the tears are coursing
down my back

barbie, stop lying
i have you to blame
it's pointless waiting
but you keep singing
and i keep waiting
and no one will come

barbie, i'm sorry
the world is turning black
paint it back to blue
i'll wait a little longer
i promise i will
til then fill me
with the darkness that is
you

M is for Misery

I know, eventually, like him, I will have to let you go. And it hurts to know I always have to be the one to stay behind while others walk beside you, it hurts that after the long painful journey I had with him, I'm still here treading a longer walk with you. i can stop halfway and run back, but my heart won't let me. and i keep welcoming thoughts of you, and us together only to realize at the end of the day that it can never be.

I put too much effort into this, more than things I did for him. If there's anything I got from this, it's that now I have him to lean on. nakakatawa, pero nakakairita. we're improving, i thought we were. that night we talked for hours, laughing hysterically about the most mundane things, you lulled me to sleep with your finger mapping the lines on my palm, i had my hand resting on your chest, we were listening to dreamsounds, I was so happy. That night ended with her head resting on your shoulders as you brushed her hair with your fingers, you went home hand in hand. i felt so defeated.

this is not a race, if it is, she'd be halfway through. i could atleast run and find out how far my feet would take me, but is it stupid pointless to run and lose? the second placers don't really matter that much, I know, I've always been second. never first. never only. always second.

you make me feel so ugly.