M is for Misery

I know, eventually, like him, I will have to let you go. And it hurts to know I always have to be the one to stay behind while others walk beside you, it hurts that after the long painful journey I had with him, I'm still here treading a longer walk with you. i can stop halfway and run back, but my heart won't let me. and i keep welcoming thoughts of you, and us together only to realize at the end of the day that it can never be.

I put too much effort into this, more than things I did for him. If there's anything I got from this, it's that now I have him to lean on. nakakatawa, pero nakakairita. we're improving, i thought we were. that night we talked for hours, laughing hysterically about the most mundane things, you lulled me to sleep with your finger mapping the lines on my palm, i had my hand resting on your chest, we were listening to dreamsounds, I was so happy. That night ended with her head resting on your shoulders as you brushed her hair with your fingers, you went home hand in hand. i felt so defeated.

this is not a race, if it is, she'd be halfway through. i could atleast run and find out how far my feet would take me, but is it stupid pointless to run and lose? the second placers don't really matter that much, I know, I've always been second. never first. never only. always second.

you make me feel so ugly.