Farewells are "in" this month

Will no longer be posting in this blog. For no good reason except I need change. And i have no special attachment to this blog despite that I was loyal to it for four long years, but I can't delete it.

Anyway, here's my new blog: NEW BLOG. Creative, don't you think?

First Sem Over

My semester is finally over. Contrary to my expectations, it was one of my hardest. I thought a production-free semester would mean I’d also be free from stress and strenuous workshops, but it turned out otherwise. Although hard, it is also a fun-filled semester. I remembered putting a list next to my bed of times Pen skipped class, times Chase got drunk, times I wished I were somewhere else, and genuinely happy times. I forgot all about it, because those are times in countless doses. I am extremely happy to be a semester away from graduation (and real life) but also extremely sad to be leaving behind a lot of people and a lot of good times here in LB Paradise. Here are some of the reasons why this sem is special:

• ENG106 – this is my one chance to expose my sentimental, over-emotional writing. It was also, supposedly, a venue to start my thesis. And so I was disappointed at first, to find that sir Caloi has decided we study poetry instead of short story writing. But I’ve grown so much as a writer through this class. And even finished a suite of poems, which by the way sir Caloi says is one of the best in class. This is an ego-boosting, feel-good, i-don’t-care-if-i-take-again class.

• Faustina’s – I remember uno nights at Café Antonio, Citrus Crème and Spamwich at Boston, Good ol’ Ham bonnet at Ristretto but nothing beats Faustina’s. Because 1.) Cheap, but good coffee 2.) Expensive, but good ribs 3.) Nice staff (I like nice people and good service) 4.) Clean, homey bathroom 5.) Classy royal purple walls and artsy interior 6.) Princess Gelly. I realized I went there once or twice at least in a week, but that I haven’t gone there without Gelly with me. Our pseudo-intellectual discussions of books and movies take place here. We spend hours, twice for five hours here. Faustina is next to home in LB.

• El Scorcho – Our (my, Chase’s and Gelly’s) bestfriend song. Weezer or Dashboard version, whichever. Chase and Gel are my new happy pills. I need them around, even if it means getting teased about being fat incessantly, to keep me sane. I love them both and our efforts to make time for each other.

• PANTAS – I know, I’ve been really busy with Gel and my “me time” so much that I’ve failed to do my job right. I also have been so inactive for the past months. But I love Pantas and I enjoy myself whenever we have to get together for a folio launch or an orientation, or whatever. Just not execom meetings, pleeaaase.

• Housemates – We now have beds, yes congratulations are in order. The house is messier than ever, but it’s not like we care. The whole place looks like a laundry room and cockroaches have now found a new home in our apartment. Sadako still lives in the bathroom, but is now free to roam the living room as well. And manang still resides under the kitchen sink and is now stealing dvds and pony tails too. But I will not exchange this paradise for Paris. No, not the movie nights, or the countless moments of nonsense laughter, or lunch at Tita’s, or inside jokes. This will forever be home to me.

Now that I think of it. Leaving doesn’t sound so good. Yes, the list of times and reasons why I wish I am somewhere else may outnumber these, but here when I am happy, I really am happy. Most people would spend a lifetime finding where they belong, and I know I say I belong somewhere else, but I think maybe this is it.

I don't know why I even bother. Talo naman ako parati. I shouldn't feel like you're a competition but I can't help it, you're taking away the little things I want, when you already have everything. Naaasar ako, hindi sayo, sa sarili ko. Kasi I've told myself so many times that I won't get affected, but I always do. Because even if no one asks, even if no one cares, I'm fragile too. And right now, I feel broken.

Sometimes I want to ask you if you feel neglected, because I do. When I ask you if you're listening and you tell me "no" you never bother to ask what it was I was talking about. And yet I listen to you still, I have no right to throw it at you because I do not listen out of responsibility but out of love. It's just sometimes I wish you'd listen to me too.

Everyday you tell me about him and all your theories and thoughts about him but not once did you ask me how I'm feeling. Yes, I roll my eyes and play dead but don't I always say I will never tire of your problems even if you've told it to me a million times in the span of a month. You're so sensitive of other people's feelings and yet so insensitive of mine. I guess it's hard to gauge how I feel, seeing that I'm so moody lately. But of all people you should understand, I am so demanding of your attention the same way you are of Chase's. It's because you're all I have. At the end of a very bad day, you're the first person I text, the first person I expect to comfort me and you never failed me with that. Twice have I felt harassed by professors, and on both instances, you were there to pick up the pieces. I hate myself for asking too much, for being so selfish. But I have my reasons, yours is the only attention I demand of, and it's not as simple as because Chase has disappointed me much in the past but because, again, you're all I have. And it's not a matter of having no choice but because being that I have no boyfriend, you are the most special person in my life.

In the end, guilt will haunt me to sleep. You are a good friend after all. And I forgive, because don't I always? But you know memory is the most prominent of all concepts in my life and so because I live by remembering, I never forget. So tomorrow, or later I will be okay, we will be okay. But the next time this happens, I will tread our way home in silence, again. And feel just as bad as I do now.

Slowly eating me.

It just hit me. I have to start reading again.
The last one was Memories of my Melancholy Whores which I finished last summer. Embarrassing for a bookwhore. A series of novels I started reading but never finished, after. Atonement. Timetraveller's Wife. 100 Years of Solitude. What is happening to me?
My list keeps getting longer. And I'm stuck with laziness and my desire to maximize my time left with my housemates. I hafta start reading again.

Because my article is finally done.

I realize that all day long I listen to your stories, to your endless theories, even to your worries if your chickens have food in country story. And then I talk about worrying about my article and halfway I stop and ask if you’re listening and realize you’re not. I realize whenever I tell you something I have to always check whether you're listening, because most of the time you're not. Sometimes you tell me you feel unappreciated, and I try hard not to be so self-absorbed like all Leos and never tell you, but I do too. At least the men you love at some point loved you back. I never had the same fate. I mean I only really loved two, just a quarter compared to you. With Chase, although i have nothing bad to say about him except having hurt me so much in the past, I am without good words to say about it too. Not once have I felt needed, or my presence appreciated. The same goes with Mark, who will continue to live despite my existence, or inexistence. I also realize I shouldn't complain, after all thanks to you I sometimes feel fine with the fact that I am alone. Because I feel we're in it together. I don't feel the need for a boyfriend whenever you surprise me with mashed potatoes and BLT whenever I'm lonely, or with hokaido dome (our favorite) whenever you promise you'd come to LB early and didn't, or when we sing El Scorcho out loud. It's just today I feel you don't listen to me enough. And I know I have a tendency to talk way too much, but still. I mean I already feel I don't have enough friends who care enough. I shouldn't feel this way about you. You are my best friend, after all.

just when I thought there's nothing more to give.
i chose you and discovered the million things I haven't given him yet.

you are mine, forever to keep

some people measure their pains by the seasons that passed.
i measure mine by the years.

some people forget when they stop talking about it.
some people forget when they talk about it a lot.
i don't forget. simple as that.

some people recover as fast as they had fallen.
i keep on falling.

some people bounce back as if nothing happened.
i never hit the ground.

some people move on to another when the time requires change.
i never move on.

some people stop when they tell themselves to.
i cheat myself by dreaming.

some people capture your heart.
i will never so much take hold of your hand.

some people pass by and you would never chase them back.
i will run, come morning i will be by your side again.

some people, they never mattered to you.
i am different, i am your friend.

some people they will never understand. they never try.
you always did.

some people, they never measured to my expectations.
you also never did. so i pulled them back so you would.

some people, they try to penetrate my world.
i have built mine around you.

some people will get tired of my complicated life.
i pray you never do.

some people love me.
but i love you.

Rangers

I think I know.

I have one too many reasons to stop being black and white but I can't help it. It's just the way I am. I know they find it funny, an anecdote while drinking even, how I've only had two suitors and I didn't even say yes to one of them. I'm not easy. I'm not saying they are, It's just I need time. I take too much time actually.

I'm too complicated, I don't even understand myself. I wish I'm more complicated though. I don't know what I want. I want to be found. To have something big. to be a Nana and have Ren. or be Nana and have Nana. i don't know!!!!

Maybe I don't want to be found, maybe not as much as finding thrills me.

if this is a choice like gel says it is, then i choose to wake up tomorrow devoid of any hurt or feelings for you. i choose to be happy.

and tomorrow, I will be.

logged out of blogger and decided to download mangas from vnmanga when i found out the site's already closed. WTF

Zero = Love

Watching : Vampire Knight (anime)

the problem with me is I read too much. so there, I already know the ending and I've lost the desire to watch more since i will not get the ending I want. and since I know everything that will happen. Zero over Kaname in whatever dimension. Zero and Yuuki forever. okay, sorry, I sound like a fan just now.

reminds me that I miss: Nana, Goong and Paradise Kiss

read all three mangas. am not a big anime fan. so I choose what i watch depending on the drawing. and I'm a big Ai Yazawa fan, so there. my ged, Nana. The most painful anime there is. read the manga and cried like a baby in front of the computer. Nana is too much for me. Not in a bad way though, it's just, so real to me. the pain is so incredibly real. Watched only up to the 9th episode because it's a long series, I don't even think it's done now. Paradise Kiss is a short one, so I read the manga and watched the anime which lasted for only 4 hours I think. Goong is the manga version of Princess Hours. mas nakakakilig than the live version. believe me.

so there. I'll end this before I rant about mangas.

On s’en va sans savoir

been listening to La Meme Histoire all night. well actually all morning too, since 11 last night til what, 6 am? hahaha! i don't know what to feel listening to it. I guess it brings back the feeling I had when i watched one of the short films from Paris, Je T'aime. The one about a man who was waiting for his wife at a restaurant. all the while, thinking about things he hates about her. how she wears her favorite red jacket all the time, and promises she'd throw it away but never does. how she sings only one song over and over again while she cooks. how he always seem to order the better food when they're eating out because she always seem to like his better than what she ordered. and so now in the restaurant, he's waiting for her so he could tell her he's leaving her for a younger, sexier woman. so she arrives, in her favorite red jacket, and sits opposite him. they stare at each other for a while, she was smiling. and then all of a sudden, she starts to cry. and the man was thinking, could she have found out about the younger, sexier woman? and then out of her bag she pulls out this white paper, and he reads it and finds out she's sick and has only a little while to live. he embraced her, and decided not to leave her. he started doing things for her, taking long walks with her, reading a book to her. He listens to her sing while she cooks, and would hug her from behind resting his chin on her shoulder. he said by acting like a man inlove, he fell inlove again. but the wife died, and since then everytime he sees anyone in a red jacket he feels an intense loneliness.

i don't know how long that film was, a little more than 5 minutes I guess, but it made me so incredibly sad. made me cry, actually. even if I was watching it with Franco and Karize. there were no dialogues, just the man narrating everything. talking of how he feels, of what is happening, so most of the time there's just silence. my ged, parisians are so irritatingly romantic. i don't get kilig over old people, and this one is about a couple in their late 40s or early 50s maybe but it was so beautifully done. I can't wait for Karize to get back in LB so I can get my copy. I want to watch it before the New York, I Love You movie comes out (this August, I think).

so anyway, Feist is tired of singing La Meme Histoire in my itunes, but I'm still not over with the song. I feel both light and sad listening to it. It's not always that I feel this certain, I don't know, peace.

on trying and gaining back my bestfriend

Sir Piocos read my concept paper and poem in class today. He said my entry about how I came up with the concept was much better and more sincere than my poem. That it was actually more poetic. It was actually more of a dear diary thing and I was afraid he’d say how teeny-bopper it was, haha! But he liked it at least, said it was mature and well, poetic. He’s not a fan of the poem though. Ugh.

So anyway, I think it’s about time I make time for writing. Something well though of but not trying too hard. Shit before this semester ends I have to atleast be chosen once for the best poem, im so tired of waiting for MY time. I have to make it happen. Demmit.

Which brings me to Monday night talk with Chase Isip. Funny how we can talk now like we used to when we were still bestfriends-bestfriends. And I had the longest discussion with him about me trying to actually get this guy, and when I couldn’t stress the point why it’s so important for me to try, I just had to tell him. So I did. Mark and I debated on this almost everyday for what, two weeks now. Because I see no point in telling him what’s already passed, Mark says I should just for the heck of it. And now Chase and I are sharing one too many laughs about it. And when I look back, I realize it is funny. Brought us closer I guess. And now he understands, how when it was during his time I never once tried to make him love me, that whenever girls would come to his life I would shut up and simply wait for MY time. and now I just felt the need to find out whether things would be different for me if I try. I know how hopeless and pointless fighting a losing battle is. But after 3 years I realized I’m never really the kind to get tired of hoping. But when Chase looked at me so seriously and said “maawa ka naman sa sarili mo” I felt ridiculously pathetic. He said I should stop trying to change just because I don’t feel enough. He asked me if I don’t feel that I am at least worth someone who’d love me because I’m simple and a million party nights away from being aggressive. I’m crazy sad because of how things are going for me, but on one side I feel extremely happy because I have chase to lean on to. Even if he feels he’s not helping, he’s the biggest help I have right now.

I guess this is a long enough entry to compensate for my absence these past few days. So, til tomorrow. I wait and no one will come. Fucket I’m kidding.

recycling poetry

would you believe, my second to the last post which was actually really just about what happened tonight is now revised into what i will pass tomorrow in Eng106 class. yes, this is what we like to call recycling. it's not yet done done, but it's better, i think. minus the details of the first one which is just a narration. i tried to apply a little subtlety, i've never been good at that though. i'm better with giving it all, no mystery, know what i mean? anyway, eto na:

Dama De Noche
In the silence of your absence
I remind myself
of nights before.
You lulled me to sleep
with your finger
mapping the lines on my palm.
dreamsounds in the background
invisible arabesques on the wall
In the confines
of my apocryphal universe,
where you fall like the nobleman
for dama's fragrance,
I will win your heart
in a one night's time.
I pray Cynthia
sing me to sleep
it's pointless waiting
but you keep singing
and i keep waiting.
I wait for forever's end
And til then
tonight, and nights after
I wait
And no one will come