si tisa tumatagalog

may dalawang oras yata akong nakatitig sa dingding ng Big Dad's at kung hindi lang imposible, nakabisado ko na yata lahat ng nakasulat sa freedom wall nila. kahit minsan sumasakit na yung mata ko, sa kakatitig sa dingding o sa usok ng LB square at sa mga luhang kung pwede lang isuka ay bolimik na ko, nakatitig pa rin ako, at andun pa rin ako sa mausok, mabango at maingay na lugar na yon. ang nakakapagtaka at ang nakakatawa, kahit saan ko pa ibato ang tingin ko balik pa rin ng balik dun sa malalaking letrang FS, green at yellow ang kulay. lahat na ng posibleng ibig sabihin nun naisip ko na, friendster? for sure? feeling sick? forgetting sarah (galing sa forgetting sarah marshall)? fat slim? faster slower? falling stones? ferri swheel? joke lang. naisip ko na ata lahat saka ko nalang naisip na baka pangalan yun.

kung hinayaan ko, mapapanaginipan ko siguro yung lalaking nakanta dun. maganda ang boses at mukang mabait. sana nakaligtas ako sa isa nanamang gabi ng walang katapusang panaginip na di ko maala-alala pag dating ng umaga. pero hanggang dun lang sya, sa stage ng Big Dads hawak ang gitara nya habang nakanta ng mga malulungkot na kanta na para bang nanadya. hindi dahil sa ibang dahilan, kundi dahil hindi sya nakakalagpas sa tingin. hanggang dun lang parati. yun lang ang kaya kong ibigay.

hindi ako madrama. matagal-tagal na ng huli akong bumanat ng mga judith mcnaught na mga linya, pero ng nilulunod ng boses nya ang ingay ng halkhakan at iyakan dun sa sinumpang lugar na yun, nalungkot ako. sabi ni sarah, phase daw yun, yung lahat ng bagay tinatawanan, lahat nginingitian, tas paguwi nagmimistulang bahay ampunan ng luha ang unan. yung bang pag gising mo feeling mo natulog ka ng basa ang buhok. nakakatawa pero hindi ako tumawa. tapos na siguro ako sa phase na yun. siguro kahit wala akong boyfriend o kung ano man, may karapatan din akong maging malungkot. matagal na ring tuyo ang hinihigaan ko.

bago umalis sinulat ko yung pangalan ko sa isang lugar dun sa Big Dads. hindi ko alam kung bakit, papansin lang siguro. gusto ko bago ako umalis ulit, masulatan ko kahit isang maliit na bahagi dyan sa utak mo. kahit saan mo man piliting tumingin gusto kong bumalik balik ang mata mo sa isang malaking T, kulay pula. gusto kong wag mong kalimutan, gusto kong lumagpas sa tingin mo at sumama sa kung saan ka man dinadala ng kaluluwa mo tuwing nakanganga ka't dilat, mahimbing at nananaginip.

nagiisa kang lalaking dinadala ko sa kin. hindi ko man maalala ang panaginip, alam ko. dahil malungkot tuwing paggising.

hello hell again

haven't talked to anyone about it for a long time. it just didn't make sense, and people are getting tired with the story anyway, i know i'm tired. and i also figured it would stop hurting, or that IT would simply stop if i stop writing and talking about it. which is why my tears took me by surprise when i talked to Gel.

i'm okay. it's not just something i tell people when i try to avoid the conversation that is already way overdue. i really am okay. most of the time. i'm not over it, i'm far from moving on, but i've learned the best way to cope with pain, and it's to live with it. so for the past gazillion months, that's what i've been doing. lying to myself and living with it. and it isn't so bad as it sounds, really.

there are so many things to worry and be sad about that THIS didn't seem worthy of my time. for one thing, i lost nikko, i'd like to think he lost us but he doesn't seem concerned. i am anyway, sad and still shocked. but here i am, crying over Jin and PJ's semi-breakup. just because i would rather i had been lied to and be wooed and told the things Jin was told, than to live this boring pathetic life. ofcourse also because i was sad for Jin, but that's another story.

well i figureed it's the time of the year. and maybe the Ber-wind do bring something else than the smell of damp grass and the sound of Jingle Bells. maybe. maybe because it reminds me that this is what, the third christmas already, that i have been wishing for the same thing.

i can't wait to graduate!!!

on notebooks. haha

went to alabang yesterday, supposedly to buy myself a cute notebook. i didn't find any, because still the cutest notebooks can only be found in fullybooked, even the ones in powerbooks look shitty compared to it. ofcourse im a little bias, because jordi labanda notebooks are sold there :))

so anyway, because it's depressing to go home empty handed i bought a small black notebook, that looks a lot like moleskine, except cheaper. yey!

so, another anyway, yesterday i hung out longer at the arts section than in the fictions area. that's both weird and scary. my mom was checking out some of my drawings a couple of days ago, and she said "baka dyan ka sumikat" after she said that, i went straight to my room and started reading. it's scary, me devoting more of my time in my sketching than in writing or reading.

the trip to CSB the other day made me realize i really want to pursue arts. but my first love would always always be writing. it's just new to me, i never wanted anything else but to write before. and now, i want to draw too..

hello few chosen friends who can read this blog. this is my christmas book list, if you want to get me a book this christmas do choose from The List:

• Chuck Palahniuk's Lullaby
• Philippa Gregory's Constant Princess
• Any Haruki Murakami book (except Kafka on the Shore and After DArk which i already have)
• Ernest Hemmingway's A Moveable Feast
• Isabel Allende's House of Spirits
• Joanne Harris' Chocolat

that's it for now. although i think i will be buying Chocolat next week, or maybe Lollipop Shoes if i resist buying another Haruki Murakami book. i don't know what it is with this japanese guy, his works confuse me to the core and yet, and yet i love him. i enjoyed After Dark even if i don't think i understood it. haha!

hello

kuya paolo promised me his macbook pag bumalik daw sa 135 yung weight nya. told him it's pretty impossible. and then mama chimed in, that it is in the impossible that God makes a miracle. haha! my brother is also selling me his macbook, for 40k. that's 20k cheaper than the original price, but still i don't want a secondhand mac, unless he gives it to me for free. which is impossible, unless a miracle happens and he loses a million pounds.

anyway, had fun fun fun at the cemetery last night even though sobrang daming tao. i always enjoy the company of my cousins, plus i missed all of them so much :)

so far, i'm done with Memories of my Melancholy Whores, and After Dark. i'm off to One Hundred Years of Solitude.

plurking

i love you dear blogger account, but i've been busy with this:

Plurk.com

bored. bored. bored.

potato fries for lunch. just so i have a reason to use the deep fryer :)

let me be kafka

i'm planning my escape.

i wanna go biking in Tuscany, sight-seeing in Santorini. or learn Japanese so i wouldn't have to look stupid and lost in Japan. i wanna see the Eiffel Tower, and sip coffee in the cafes in Paris. Eat Tapas in Spain. swim naked in Kuta Bali (or not). do whatever illegal things that's legal in Amsterdam. i wanna lie on my back on fields of grass and let the Aurora Borealis tuck me to sleep and ride a gondola on the canals of Venice. I wanna

mostly i just wanna run away. to the farthest place my feet can take me. and the only sure thing is that i might see Aurora Borealis, and Niagara Falls. or Denise might be able to order me some Tapas, what with her Spanish-speaking skills? haha!

i know that some things don't come out right, i don't wanna leave the people i love. it's just, even though i know it's nothing else but cowardly, escape is my only way

pop art madness

POP ART Madness

there's so much to do. pero bored pa rin ako. dahil dyan, to the rescue ang photobooth ni kuya.

mga rare moments na i actually love my hair :) don't get me wrong, there is no way na magpapakacrazy ako ulit at papagupitan yan. can't wait for my hair to grow.










the first picture reminds me of marish, kamuka ko sya dyan, hahaha napapunta tuloy ako sa friendster nya bigla. haha!

LOSER

bakit ba ang LOSER ko?

Gusto ko ng umalis dito. AYAW KO NA DITO!

dreams come true.

for the entire day my mind is preoccupied by this dream(which some chosen people, thanks to my informative gm, know) i had this morning. and i wondered if it's possible for me to lose my head over depression, but who am i kidding? i was able to survive the last three years so i can't think of anything that could possibly make situations worse except that the longer i stay, the more i get drowned.

oh well. atleast my day was a little better thanks to shopping. aside from the new clothes, i got myself new staedler pens, a unipin pen(because i was right, the pilot drawing pen i used is not available here), chaka two new books! Haruki Murakami's After Dark, and Gabriel Garcia Marquez' Memories of my Melancholy Whores. i'm so happy!! really.

about the dream:
Miggy: so what's so bad about that?
Me: edi yung waking up part. tas you're lying in bed for the next half hour thinking, IT WAS SO REAL! haha
Miggy: well, dreams do come true.

yeah, they do, don't they? for princesses, and poor matchgirls in storybooks. but for the rest of us, dreams remain in our sleep.

math11 sucks. or maybe it's just me. tinuturuan ako ni chase kaninang madaling araw and my mind flies, i can't focus when someone i'm talking to is talking about numbers. nakakaasar.

but forget about that. i'm ready for math22 anyway.

1st semester is finally over. i was a part of two succesful plays, i've got new friends, and well it's a good semester if you leave out a LOT of things. anyway, i've planned out my sembreak although i'm sure to be bored anyhow.

my to buy list includes:

• staedler pens
• pilot drawing pen (o2 and 03)
• a new sketchpad (my last one's ready to retire)
• a haruki murakami book
• a gg marquez book

so pretty much, i'll be doing lots of reading and drawing. IM DRAWING AGAIN! which is good. because i love my new kind of art. my brother says its good, so that's good enough for me. and frankie says ang galing ko daw. well, out of all the other compliments, those two is what matters. first because my brother is the master (joke) and second because franco is kupal.

speaking of franco, the other night, at the prod party while everyone is enjoying the airconed rooms and there were probably just 7 of us left awake we got into a serious conversation. first about why i couldn't get over he who must not be named (how original), about writing (my favorite topic) and well, lots of stuff. i love conversations with franco even if he inserts theories and all that intellectual stuff only he understands, because i get a lot from it. we talked about writing, how i'm afraid to find out that i can't write. because i'm not good at it, and the only thing that keeps me writing is because i love it (and i usually get teary-eyed during this part haha) and he said that in writing, it's all you really need.

edward stole my heart

i am going to take my math11 final exam tomorrow morning. and i'm going to fail. thanks to Edward. and his unbearable and irresistable perfection. this is all my fault i was too arrogant to admit i'd fell inlove with the guy, now i can't even sleep without thinking about him. like Bella, i was probably saying his name in my sleep too. darn it. i'm hooked. whatever drugs stephenie meyers was on when she wrote twilight, i. must. get. hahaha! it doesn't matter that it's not as well written as, say, unbearable lightness of being, who cares!! i haven't smiled so much, haven't felt this kilig over anything my whole life. and i also haven't felt this way for any other characters in any book or movie i've read and watched.

hahaha! i know i sound crazy. i am. i know i must study and that's exactly what i will do after this entry. and maybe i could read one chapter every after 10 minutes of studying as a reward. hahaha! i'm going to regret this for sure.

i think leighton would've played a better bella, and ed westwick for Edward. ugh, cedric diggory doesn't live up to my expectations, well so will anyone else. but atleast put someone a little extraordinary looking. nevertheless i'm still excited about the movie. will watch it with denise and ehm, probably pen too, hopefully.

a very special love

last night was el laberinto's production party. syempre, tulog na naman lang ako. hahaha!

anyway, watched knocked up with kuya paolo this afternoon. then we watched lucky you (ang hot ni eric bana). when he left ma and i watched a very special love. i know i'm not much for tagalog films but God! ang hot ni john lloyd. kelan pa sya naging ganun kagwapo? grabe nahihiya nalang ako sa mga sinasabi ko. hahaha! and Sarah's funny. i just love her.

basta. ang HOT ni JOHN LLOYD!

jumajaipur

since it's 2 am and i've got nothing important to do, i'll post some pictures from last saturday's night out with highschool friends :)
more on multiply.

with klara and gehn

with my bestfriends :)