One day, I have to get up, get out and run as fast as I can to the farthest my feet will take me.

You won’t be there. No one will be. Just me. Finally only myself to blame for my own miseries. God knows how much I’d rather you take me. How much I’d rather I take you with me to my escape. You to ride bikes with me in the fields of Tuscany. You to lean on as I get emotional listening to sad Spanish guitar. You to walk hand in hand with in the bazaars in Bangkok. You to wait for while you’re at work. You to fight with over directions. You to make up with after a long fight. You to laugh with after a long day at work. You to wait for, so we can eat dinner together. You beside me after I painted our new living room wall. You, you, you. I know it will never happen, and it breaks me.

They asked me what hurts more, is it that you don’t love me, or is it that you love my friend? The truth is I don’t know. Just that it hurts. And I need it to stop. I thought I wonderful that you got me over him. But you got me through the pain only to prepare me for the worst.

Someday I will run away, just me. And I know that the world is so beautiful that I will forget whatever pain I felt with you, or with anyone. I fear I will return, I fear I will look back and feel indebted to return to this place. And you won’t be there waiting.

I feel embarrassed for forgiving you. For giving in too easily. It’s only been a year since you’ve cheated on Vane and hurt all of us, but already I’m willing to forget. I feel like I’m betraying Vane by entertaining the possibility of us being friends again. But we were bestfriends Nikko, and yes I had my share of pseudo bestfriends and real ones but you have always been part of the latter. And you telling me now that you will always be here as you have always been only made it worse, it only highlights the fact that I’ve been a bad friend and left you alone to suffer the consequence of your mistakes. The funny thing is I don’t even know if you felt sorry for what you did, but I’m too blinded by how much I miss having you around.

You have no idea how much I wish I’d wake up and the things that did didn’t happen. You have absolutely no idea how caught up I feel in this mess you started, how much I wanted to get this over with and say yes when you asked if we could talk. But I couldn’t, you see I love Vane, everytime she cries about you I remember why I hated you in the first place. I’m afraid of hurting her. But god Nikko, I really just miss you. It pisses me off that I have to avoid you everytime because we both don’t know how to react around each other. I fucking hate that you chose Chris over Vane, over all of us. And then I remember, you had no choice because we left you before you had the chance to explain. Even if, yes, there is nothing to explain. You see how confused I am?

I don’t know if there’s a point in wishing that things will be ok in the end. But I don’t want to give up.

stay
like the sun behind the clouds
whenever the rain decides to come
behind the darkness
whenever the moon is around

on highschool loves

last night's sleepover slash booze night at Nicole's marked the last highschool bonding for this summer. but i am in no position to complain, after all, i rarely, actually never, went out with any of my college friends and yet i was rarely home. except on wednesdays because i have piano lessons.

last friday night, all 13 of us gathered at Clark's apartment for the next day's trip to Nasugbu. and while we laugh out loud about jokes no one outside our circle would ever understand, i realized that though i do not think of them as much as i should, they would forever remain home to me. i say i am happiest when i'm in LB, the truth is i cannot compare, because i'm happy here too. i know that come June, piles of paperworks and good times with my college friends will make me forget asking how they all are, if they too had been the drunk the night before or if they too had gotten a failing mark in their NASC exam, and the truth is i don't know if it means i love them less. all i know is that in this moment, as i think of how much happiness and serenity i felt as we all sit together, talking as if yesterday was no different from our pancit day at Sonny's, our trip to Majayjay, our winning the cheerdance championship, our open forums, i know that they are closest to my heart. and i start missing them already.

...

what depresses me the most is that i am a firm believer that there is nothing worst in the world than being normal. and i am everything but extraordinary. i have absolutely nothing special to offer. except a helluva sense of humor. and my ability to fit in and fade away.

the truth is no matter how much i dream, i will get nowhere far.

Beboo Love <3

ANNA'S HOME. whattup? i'm too lazy to talk about everything that happened last wednesday. just that it was fun!
and for someone we haven't seen for 5 years, she sure hasn't changed a lot. except for the accent, which was, well, WHOA! haha!

TGIF lunch.
coffee at Starbucks.
Hookah at Bed (space?)
And off to Binan for a sleepover.
that's our first day together. and we'll be seeing lots of each other after :)

Mark and Kit

i was supposed to post the pictures from Friday Night's Sleepover with Jear and Nic. but yesterday right after they left i started having dysmenorea, so i fell right asleep and woke up at about 4, just in time for picking up our new dog, a Labrador Retriever, in C5. he's so adorable, he's just 2 months old so he's not that big yet, and he's color yellow. we had a family discussion about his name the other day, but when we bought him he was already named. Loveable Kit of Arcel, how cool is that? that's what it says on his papers, his call name's Kit, so our endless debate on whether to call him ziggy, or kido, or the million other names we all suggested is for nothing. Kit sounds okay though. wachu think?

anyway, I had the weirdest idea that Mark and I would be good together. I know right, where that came from, I have no idea. i laughed it off a couple of times, it keeps coming back. what, why? Hahaha! I haven't been with him all summer. nor have i exchanged texts with him or whatever. i don't know. he just keeps penetrating into my thoughts. stupid stupid overthinking.

another anyway, Imma go play with the puppy now. bye.

on killers and rockers

i seriously have to stop googling everything. chanced upon a Jeffrey Dahmer joke on tumblr and because i don't know who the guy is, i googled him. turns out he's a serial killer! ANG PSYCHO LANG EH! this is like charles manson all over again. i don't know, it creeps me out but it interests me enough to read too much about it.

anyway, on a lighter note. i saw George Harrison's son on the news last night. oh me oh my, they look so alike! and i have to say, even if George's not as famous as the other three, he has always been my favorite beatle. Because Starkey's a poser, haha! And how can i not love the man who wrote While My Guitar Gently Weeps and Something.


but now i love his son. he modeled for a magazine, i don't know what magazine though. and he was running (in a chanel pa i think) and the header says "here comes the son" hahaha! wala lang, i just found the play of words funny, and he plays too! His name's Dhanni by the way.

River Flows In You

just came home from Piano lessons. Ms. Botiquin, my piano teacher who took me in again after forgetting about her for 5 long years, played It Was In The Summertime today which was appropriate and felt right with the heat and the noisy fan which wasn't at all that helpful. kept saying "naging kilala ako" because of Buling Buling sa Pandacan. i had to stop myself from snorting. but ofcourse, she is talented. perhaps even pretty in her youth. now she's old and perhaps a bit senile, I sighed with relief when she almost mentioned Lady Gaga but didn't, because she kept bringing her up in past meetings. but don't get me wrong, i love her. i started playing with her from age 9, i think. i can say, we go back. we're like hommies, yknow. haha!

tried to play River Flows In You, which was a bummer because i suck. things would've been different if only i didn't stop, at 13 i was already playing Fur Elise and now im starting from the beginning, well, sort of. sheesh, but at least im playing again. oh well, my goal is to be able to play that or Eyes On You before the summer ends. my fingers are so tightly crossed i don't think i'd be able to play the piano again.

caught in a middle

BESTFRIEND LOVE.

can't wait to have them over for our yearly sleepover. we'll see each other tomorrow, i think. it's a good thing Shoji came back home, made all of us want to see each other tons. but we're meeting up so much that i'm forgetting the reason behind not having summer classes. THESIS, sounds familiar? demmet. i'm so lazy. atleast i'm productive, piano and cooking lessons, whattup!

but i might not graduate on time. one mad idea, that's all i need for this thesis to work. and maybe, a little time and discipline.

SASASASUMMER

SUMMER SUMMER SUMMER!

This summer is by far the most promising. much much thankful to Shoji and Anna who decided they're getting far too missed. Well actually, Shoji's leaving tomorrow and Anna will be arriving on the 21st. yeah, i know, di manlang nagpangabot.

Summer is Love, it will forever be! too bad i'm single. hahaha! actually, i don't mind. been spending too much time with Nicole and there's no better way to spend Summer! everything's so perfect, sana hindi ma-jinx. haha!

SUMMER IS LALALALOVE

beachin with our boys

it was my 18th birthday the last time i saw Shoji, so when he came home last March30 i couldn't wait to see him. but ofcourse i couldn't (no thanks to exams i wouldn't pass anyway). so we really only got together last monday, on a much awaited trip to nasugbu. i realized that no matter how many times i find an excuse to skip dinner or booze nights with them, i will always go back and realize that they're the best thing that ever happened to me! walang tatalo sa highschool friends.so while my parents were probably worrying that im ssomewhere far with 11 boys, haha, i couldn't possibly be safer. we can't even walk far without having one of them guarding our backs. forgive us for enjoying being donyas for two days, sitting pretty at our beach chairs while the boys cook, clean and take care of us. it's not so long ago that we're the ones expected to take care of them. and as we gathered round the table that doubles as bonfire with all the cigarettes lit that night we girls all sighed at how our little boys are growing up. well except for Allen, who was badly burnt thanks to his endless antics, his ugly ugly sand castle and his asking for feet like a silly marian rivera on the seashore. we used to worry so much about them, but i guess there's no need to now. Shoji's so mature. nakakagulat na nga sobra how Japan and working changed him. actually nakakagulat how we all changed. how we all went from boys and girls running around the elem building to the medyo mature mabisyo people we/they are now. haha! nakakamiss how it was all simple then and yet i couldn't help but smile at how far we've all gone, together.

we'll be back to our normal busy selves come June, and i don't want to return to reality. Nic and i can't stop talking about how sad we are that it's over. that we have to wait another year. the last 2 days were so perfect, and bitin ofcourse. next year daw, we'll do it again for four days. and i seriously can't wait. the promise of sand, sunsets andBESTFRIENDS makes me feel all warm inside. I love love love them. to the moon and back.

devianting

surprise surprise from a sporadic blogger.
i've finally decided to upload something in my DA. i wish i know how to edit though, they look pretty shitty when scanned. plus, i feel primitive because im stuck on pen and paper. haha! anyway, here's my bonggang bonggang deviant. and here's a little peek :


i made this for ate rio, my sis from Pantas. it's a tribute thing because she's already graduating. like half the org!!! it's pretty sad. i'll miss them all so much, if only i could pay their profs hahaha joke lang. but honestly, goodbye sucks no?

we eventually lose our friends.

i'd like to think its not supposed to be that way, but it happens. i'm not sure i will ever be able to accept it. but i realize that slowly, its now happening to me.

of murakami love

i've been listening to Miserable at Best for a million times since i got here at Boston Cafe. and if the world wasn't so high-tech and i still used a cd, i would have worn it out. but it's the perfect song to go along with Toru Watanabe's love for Naoko's twisted self. i can't help but get carried away. and it's not really okay to laugh and feel all teary-eyed while gel's busy with her papers and with no one to smile with! i deserve a space in Naoko and Reiko's asylum that doubles as a resort!

i love it here, Gel says, here you feel so far away from Elbi when in fact right when you look outside you'll see Botica Castro and Minute Burger, complete with smoke effects of jeepneys.

it is so relaxing here, i haven't felt so rested. especially thanks to the party i had last sunday, although i have to say that my mom is the one who's most tired of all the cooking and cleaning and entertaining. (Thank you ma!) Boston Cafe relaxes me, or it must be Haruki Murakami. Norwegian Wood is killing me and i feel like Naoko, the way she makes everything complicated, it doesn't help that she loves The Beatles' Norwegian Wood too! But i have to say, it is kinda weird that i can put it down and resume reading after a day or two. Haruki Murakami is and will always be the shit! forget that some of his works are quite the disappointment. he's won my heart again this time. And if by some warped turn of fate i meet him and he decides to marry me (bah!) i would, behind a heartbeat, if only i don't think of him making me mad like he does with his characters!

So if you want to take those feelings and smash somebody with them, Smash me.
-Toru Watanabe (Norwegian Wood)