feb18

i feel cruel for giving promises i know i won't be able to keep. i feel unappreciative for being given something i wished for and not wanting it because i can't be given the one thing i really want. i feel tired of not having a relevant thing to say other than my pains that no one really cares about. i feel alone, and it's so unfair because people try to come in and i keep myself tightly shut. i feel vulnerable to anything. i feel like a shallow, insecure, morose bitch. just because i've never felt this ugly as when i have to stand beside her, as when i have to talk to her and realize just how perfect she is.

i want to drown every bit of insecurity i have with all the feelings i have for you. then i'll be relieved of all my pains. sometimes i can't help but wonder if things would've been different if i was even just slightly good enough for you. but i know i've already lost the battle before i even step into the field. i know i won't even be able to run the race to vie for your heart because i know anyone can win except me. and it makes me feel so insecure. and i try really hard, i do. but you just can't see past everything you've known. no matter how i change, no matter how i try to be different, you will always always see past it and see the old me. the same way i see the old you.

i wish i could've gone back halfway through the race so i could still have a little part of me left, so i could start anew. but i've nothing more left here. just this sick sick tune i can't stop singing.

valentines drama

i can't stick around for nothing.
i can't wait forever.
i can't be alone always.
i can't be whole for you.
i can't cry for you.
and i can't give you everything.

things i can't do for the things i've already done. i can't give anything i haven't given before. there's nothing more left of me except this wretched me, and i can't expect you to stay but i do. because i expect too much, too much from you. leave me if you can't help but let this happen again. let me wait all night, let me feel so sorry for myself. chase said i shouldn't expect too much from you because i'll only get disappointed it's funny how i take advices from him now. but alone today, i had noone to talk to. and sure the tears took me by surprise as i swore i will never cry, but i didn't cry for you, i did for myself. i needed it.

black and white

the truth is the things i regret i would've done over and over again if given the chance. these are the times i spent with you. my own hell that i invite myself to. just so i could burn in the heat of your drunken embrace, just so i could feel a little warmth of something you wouldn't give out in the sun. amidst strangers and friends carried away by the heat and darkness, i can pretend we're alone. you are different. in the darkness, behind the fog and smoke, you are different. and if i have to stay out of the light forever, i would. if it means i would have another chance of a pseudo happiness, to cover up the truth that i would only remain happy until tomorrow. and i would again regret it the next day. and then do it again if i have another chance.

i know i don't make much sense. but last night you said i am to you what he is to her. a bestfriend. and yet, it's the sweetest thing i've ever been told. only because it came from you.

tomorrow i'll be back to black and white. being grey is not that fun i realized. but one day i will be grey again for you. just so we could share another dance.

for once it's not for you

i think my heart is as fragile as a balloon now, one more pain and it'll pop. and there is only one constant prayer in my lonely nights before i surrender to sleep and that is that he'll turn it into a stone.

i need something permanent. i deserve that. i don't need someone to stay only when he wants to. but i don't want to ask you to stay around, i know i'm not that easy to understand. i know it will be too much to ask, i know i've given away my heart and the only thing left is a finger, nothing compared to the fist-sized beating machine. so how about i say i give you something to hold on to, would you promise to never let go.

i promise i would try. would you promise you would too?